Living With Borderline Personality Disorder - A Former Spouse's View

In the time between clients, my mind begins to wander, well, all over the damned place. Lately, it’s been drifting toward past relationships and, in particular, my one and only marriage. I’m over the marriage, put it in the past tense, and moved on, blah, blah, blah. But you see my ex-wife has undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. In fact, I’m the only one who truly recognizes her condition, being in the unique position to see her current and past behavior in fine detail.

My Ex Wife

This entry will provide a view of what it's like to live with someone suffering from BPD.

For those who aren’t familiar with borderline personality disorder, you can read more here:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

The short version is that those with BPD do everything they can to prevent abandonment. This includes manipulating (i.e. lying, gaslighting) their partners in order to keep them from leaving. Their emotional state is in constant turmoil.  Consider BPD to be abandonment issues on steroids and then some.

I’ll preface by saying, despite some parts of the story appearing to be, this is not a ‘woe is me’ story. Consider it as more of a precautionary tale for those who don’t realize that true nut jobs walk among us and can damage you in ways you never believed possible. I certainly didn’t have a clue this was the case, when I met my ex. Hell, I didn’t know what the hell BPD was. I thought mental illness was people wandering the streets, talking to inanimate objects.  Surely, those people would be locked up or labelled or something, right? Aren't they required to wear tags around their necks?  I obviously learned the hard way that's not the case.  They walk among us and can appear very normal.

What sucks about BPD, is that it’s incredibly difficult to diagnose. In fact, I was dating a therapist who had been married to a BPD’er and didn’t figure it out until after the relationship ended, which is what happened with me. She also shared that when a patient at her practice is suspected of having BPD, they are interviewed by multiple therapists because of how adept they are at manipulation.  As a result, most borderlines never receive treatment.

How did I determine my (ex) wife had BPD?  First of all, I knew a great deal of her behavior was abnormal (as you'll see throughout this entry).  In digging around, I found the DSM and considered my ex’s behavior; BPD was the landslide winner. It was solidified by research on the effects of children of Borderlines, which seemed as though they’d just written a description of my step-daughter. I compared notes with the aforementioned therapist I dated and it was as though we’d been living the same lives. The final piece of confirmation fell into place in an almost humorous fashion.   I'd been seeing a therapist, during the dark days of my separation, and kept throwing supporting information at him but he refused to diagnose C as a Borderline. Not seeing her, ethics, blah, blah. Then, in one of my last sessions with him, I shared a recent rather lengthy email conversation with her where everything she wrote screamed ‘I’m a Borderline’. I showed that to my therapist, who after reading through the correspondence, blurted out, ‘Wow, she’s a high functioning Borderline.’ I looked at him and said, ‘gotcha!’

The Courtship
When I met C, she seemed like everything I wanted in a partner. Admittedly, I’d never experienced a true partner in previous relationships so I really had zero clue what I really should be looking for. But C was beautiful, smart, and thought I was the best thing since sliced bread. I was her savior from the other horrible guys she’d dated. And she’d dated a lot of losers, the most extreme example being her second husband who had done time for armed robbery. (Under the heading of ‘some people don’t change’ this would be the same scumbag who I, later, wound up showing the business side of a Glock to convince him he shouldn’t be following ‘our’ kids to their bus stop.) Truly, these should have been warning signs (not almost shooting her ex; that came later) but I defy most men to have a gorgeous woman praise them as their knight in shining armor and think ‘hmm, something ain’t right here’. It’s just not gonna happen! Hell, most guys are somewhat insecure to begin with, so they eat that up like a fat kid wolfs down cake. I know I did.

The relationship progressed incredibly quickly. On her side, the BPD was forcing her timeline. On mine, I was at an age where I decided it was time to settle down and C was amazing. It was almost as though my subconscious said ‘yep, you’ll do nicely’ and that was that.

The Relationship
So, all was right with the world. As time went on, there were little warning signs. I caught her lying to her kids in order to manipulate them. Hmm…she wouldn’t do that to me though, right? Her treatment of me changed over time as well. In the beginning, I could do no wrong but, seemingly overnight, I developed a dizzying array of character flaws. Every misstep was categorized and thrown on the pile. The general message from her to me was ‘I love you regardless of how useless you are’. Pretty effective at making someone feel really lucky they have such an understanding spouse. As time passed, my self-esteem dropped precipitously.

When there were differences of opinion, with respect to our relationship, I would try to be accommodating. There was a part of me that thought ‘she’s been married twice before so she knows better than me’. Hah! Dumb shit!

In general, every disagreement we had was seemingly my fault. When having a disagreement with a partner, my preference is to sit down, as soon as possible (sometimes one or both parties needs to let the steam vent before they can have a productive discussion) and have a frank and respectful discussion. But she wouldn’t discuss differences of opinion between us, ever. And when I would become agitated at her avoiding the discussion, I would somehow find myself apologizing for yelling at her. To be clear, I raised my voice less than half a dozen times, during my marriage, but apologized for yelling no less than fifteen times.

And she was the master at this type of manipulation.

She was also a black belt of the ‘I told you X’ to cover herself. I thought I was the worst husband in the world for not paying attention to my wife (adding to the shame). This was until I wound up taking notes from our conversations (for reasons too lengthy to get into here). Sure enough, her story (in this case, our relocation from PA to RVA) would change almost daily, yet she’d claim that whatever today’s story was had been her position the whole time.

BPD’ers have a great deal of difficulty controlling their emotions, often ‘losing their shit’ on perceived transgressors, many times to the point of becoming physical. C was unusual, for a Borderline, in that she rarely went ballistic and never got physical. But when she did freak out, it was usually in a context one would least expect. 

My favorite example almost invariably blows the minds of everyone who hears it. In fact, even the folks on the BPD support message boards (a community for those living with, or trying to escape, a Borderline) were impressed with this one. It involves cured meats. 

The Ham Incident

We were hosting Easter, and my parents were visiting from out of state, along with my grandmother. The morning of, my mother and I were in the kitchen, both finishing breakfast as well as prepping some sides for Easter dinner. Somewhat out of the blue, C began an argument with me over something I’ve since forgotten. Suffice to say it was something trivial and I defended myself. The argument escalated, with her yelling at me and being generally nasty.

And then, it happened. Out of the blue, she threw the Easter ham at me!!! I was accosted by a projectile of porcine smoky goodness!

Needless to say, things got really ugly after that. After all, you don’t throw smoked pork at me and get away with it! Nothing physical but there was a ton of screaming and yelling from both of us. My parents were mortified and left (they later told me they never liked my wife). 

We later sat down to talk and here’s the best part of the story. I apologized!!! God, she was an artist. The logic went like this: She had (allegedly) told me the previous night, to try to vacate the kitchen early so she could get the ham prepared. It was because of my mother’s and my loitering, in the kitchen, that she had no choice but to go ape shit and throw meat at me. Yeah, I guess it was my fault you had to throw the ham at me. I’m sorry; I don’t deserve you.

Attempting to project blame, to some degree or another, is a common theme in most relationships, so nothing new there. Most people try to deflect blame at some point. But she took projection to new levels of artistry. Here are two quick examples of her amazing projection, both relating to her wrecking her car, which she did regularly.

Once, she slid on ice, during a big snow storm, while approaching a stop light, and hit the guy in front of her who had already stopped for the red light. Whose fault was that? The dude who stopped at the light, of course.  He should have kept going since it was icy.  

The other one, that was quite inventive, was when she backed into a truck. We had moved into our new home a few months earlier and the builder was there to knock out some punch list items. His truck was parked in front of the closed garage door. C had to leave, opened the garage door, and promptly backed into the contractor’s truck. Whose fault was that one? It was mine because she was late and rushing to meet me. If it weren’t for me wanting to treat her to a nice dinner out, she wouldn’t have wrecked the car.

Her refusal to take blame for anything became a source of resentment for me. I wanted her to take ownership for something; anything. I tried to explain that I don’t care if someone makes mistakes; everyone does. But, if you screw the pooch in your marriage, you take ownership, apologize, and work through it together. Didn’t do a bit of good.

Gaslighting

C would often utilize a certain manipulation technique that I later learned was called gaslighting; a common tactic among those with BPD. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that is considered torture, in some contexts. An excellent description can be found here:

http://counsellingresource.com/features/2011/11/08/gaslighting/

C demonstrated some serious skill at gaslighting. There would be some sort of disagreement between us, followed by her returning (from work or a family ‘meeting’, etc.) with the message that other people with whom she’d discussed the topic with agree with her perspective on the matter. To top it off, invariably, someone she spoke with would allegedly make a disparaging comment about me. Sometimes, there was only a disparaging comment about me; ‘my friends think you’re an asshole’. But the underlying theme was that I was wrong and a piece of shit but C wasn’t the one saying I was a piece of shit. She remained blameless. (I’ll revisit that theme in a later story)

A quick example of her gaslighting: we’d had a non-yelling disagreement over a topic which has been lost to history (which I’m sure I apologized for). The next day, she returned home from work and informed me that she’d spoken with five coworkers about what happened. All five had said they never have arguments with their spouse and one suggested I had an anger management problem. Pretty powerful stuff, if you trust your partner, which I did at the time.

However, as time went on, she got sloppy (desperate) with her gaslighting and made more and more outrageous claims. I used to joke she would claim her colleagues advocated killing puppies, if that’s what her position was. She began to tell me her position was supported by people who she had no way of casually speaking with (i.e. were out of the country, people she had vowed never to speak with again, those she admitted she hadn’t spoken with in years, etc.). In one case, she tried to convince me she’d just discussed ‘whatever’ and gotten support from someone who I knew had passed away a few months earlier. Yep, even those pushing up daisies agreed with her!

To top it off, she was a compulsive (yet talented) liar; a typical trait of those with BPD. I’ve never met someone who had such an aversion for the truth as C. It wasn’t just me she lied to. After we had been married for a few years, each one of her three siblings shared stories of how her compulsive lying had caused a rift between them. Of course, my response was ‘and you couldn’t have told me this before I married her???’ Honestly, I missed most of her lies until later in our relationship or after we separated; she was that good at it.

After we separated, I called her out on the lying, citing various examples where I had concrete evidence. She admitted she had lied to me quite a bit, over the years, but explained ‘I didn’t feel as though I could be honest with you’. She was afraid I’d go bat shit over the truth. Huh? I asked her whether she felt the same way with – and proceeded to rattle off names of her family and a ton of others she constantly lied to.  I don’t recall the fabrication she came up with in response and it doesn’t matter.

I have since come to understand that she was attempting to manipulate me into her own storybook version of the perfect marriage. Instead, the only thing she accomplished was to drive me away. But, to be clear, she was incapable of rational thought in many instances. In most cases, a Borderline truly believes their version of events because their brain can’t process the reality that they may be to blame for something. It’s called dissociative behavior and it creates a new reality of a situation that the borderline mind can accept. There were many occasions where she’d recall a recent situation / conversation / whatever and I’d wonder whether we were discussing the same thing, because I certainly wasn’t part of the event she was describing. 

We tried two go ‘rounds of marriage counseling. However, in both cases, I was in the mode of accepting ‘things aren’t working out because I’m a bad husband’. And she certainly wasn’t going to admit to lying and manipulation.

I’m ashamed to say the lying, manipulation, turned me into a bitter, selfish man. I had an affair at the office (she never found out) with another married woman who gave me what C wouldn’t; the feeling that I was a desirable man. Time went on and I made a couple serious efforts to regroup and be the best husband I could be to C. When I asked for some sort of positive feedback on my efforts, she responded with the message that I’d likely go back to being ‘worthless’ soon. So, I truly became a bastard because why bother trying not to be? 

I absolutely tried to be the best step-father I could. This was very important to me, as their own father wasn’t in the picture and C was incredibly erratic as a parent. On that, I believe I succeeded but that’s another story.

The ultimate tipping point was my taking a job in Richmond. She agreed to the move and was excited about my promotion. But, she wasn’t being honest with me or herself. As her sister later told me, ‘regardless of what she told you, there was no way C was moving down to VA.’ I’ll spare you the blow by blow but suffice to say that dynamic ripped apart what little was left of the fabric of our marriage.

And as the marriage finally disintegrated, I never once heard her tell me she loved me and wanted to save our marriage. Instead, she would berate me about not honoring my commitment; or abandoning her and the kids. 

In all honesty, I didn’t see the lying, manipulation, and emotional abuse for what it was. My motives to end the marriage were purely selfish at the time. I was tired of being told how horrible I was as a husband and tired of being lied to. I wanted out. I had to get out. My self-esteem was shot to hell.  I'll never forget that conversation I had in my head the night I decided to end our marriage.  I thought to myself 'I'm a worthless man and no one will ever want to be with me, but I just can't take this anymore'.  

The next evening, I told her I was done.  I became an enemy in a heartbeat and she wouldn’t allow me into the house. It had nothing to do with fear of me taking things from the marital home; just that she didn’t want me in ‘her’ home, being the traitor I was. She told me, flat out, that she was going to punish me for not living up to my commitment. She was so petty as to change my contact in her phone to ‘Dickhead’. It should go without saying that she dragged out the divorce as long as she could, milking me for spousal support the whole time. She wanted to keep our house, and belongings, and have me walk away with nothing. 

I can’t say I was devastated because I wasn’t. Sure, it hurt like hell that my world was turned on its head overnight. I was in a new city, in a new job, going through a divorce. Stress much? On the flip side, four days after I asked for the divorce, C had signed up on an internet dating site. I found this out later; her daughter was appalled.

Changed the Locks

Funny story about punishing me and how the manipulation continued during our separation.  She and I were working on a day for me to come up to PA and collect some belongings. She had commitments come up on the day I had free. No problem, I said, I have the key and I’ll get what we agreed to. She then told me that the locks had been changed. I asked why; I hadn’t threatened her in any way, had I? No. And I lived four hours away, so it’s not like I could pop by to serve some ulterior motive. She said her brother-in-law (who I got along with very well) did it because he ‘just thought it would be best’. I said it had to be an expensive proposition, considering what we paid for the custom finish on our door hardware. Yes, but he wanted it taken care of.

I was visiting my parents, during this email exchange (she wouldn’t talk on the phone and I was glad for ‘paper’ confirmations of what she’d agreed to) and it hit me. That common theme again!!!  I was being screwed, it was by some other entity, and C was blameless. I said to my parents, ‘the locks weren’t changed, she just doesn’t want me there.’ I tried to get my dad to take a $1k bet that the locks weren’t changed, but he’s a smart guy and passed.

So, the day arrived, and I pulled into my driveway, walked up and rang the doorbell. C opened the door and, after some small talk, I asked about the locks. I told her the finish matched really well to the original equipment. She took the bait and told me all about the process and how she didn’t want to change the locks but her brother in law did it without asking, etc. etc. etc. I let her dig the hole for ten minutes or so, then pulled out my key and said, ‘I guess this is trash and won’t work now.’ I stuck the key in the door, sure enough, it worked. The look on her face was priceless and all she could say was ‘whoops!’ I’ve never seen her so uncollected. She then began berating me about how useless I was and how I betrayed her and the kids. Broken record…

The Escape

One very important thing to remember about Borderlines is that it’s tough to get away from them. Even though I was the enemy, C continued to reach out to me. These little pings took various forms but they all were intended to yank my chain to get a reaction; ‘I’m throwing out you’re X (that I wouldn’t allow you to collect) that you like so much.’ Or, if her new boyfriend went out of town, she’d act like I was her friend again. You see, even though we were divorcing, she was desperately trying to prevent my final abandonment. And that’s the fun gift that keeps on giving with a Borderline. Unless you find a way to make a final break, they’ll keep bouncing back into your life. You must escape, period.

How did I get C to leave me alone? Simple, I shared my assertion she had BPD. The short version is that, once I determined without a doubt, she had BPD, I sent her a letter detailing how her behavior was perfectly in line with someone with BPD. That even her daughter was a textbook example for behavior of a child with a BPD parent. I (stupidly) offered to reconcile in order to get her the help she needed. Thankfully, she refused (it was easier to stay with the poor guy who didn’t realize how fucked up she was) and denied she had BPD (as borderlines do). From that point on, when she’d try to manipulate me, or exhibit other typical BPD behavior, I’d point it out and tell her I understood it was her BPD driving her. She’d attempt to suck me into an argument by insulting me and I’d respond calmly that I’d be happy to discuss my shortcomings with her and her therapist. Ultimately, she stopped communicating. I’m sure there were two factors involved in her backing away. She was freaked about being identified as having BPD. In fact, she was freaked even more when her own therapist pointed out some unrelated corroborating evidence. Plus, she realized I had become impervious to her manipulation so there was no longer a payoff for the behavior. In fact, it became dangerous for her because every little nasty trick she pulled was answered as another behavior typical of borderlines.

During that period of punishment and nasty tricks, my friends would ask me why I wasn't more angry over her treatment of me.  I told them the alligator story and explained she had no control over her actions.  I can still remember the puzzled looks on their faces.

There’s obviously a whole lot more I could share but those are the high (or low) points. Some readers might ask how the hell I could be so naïve not to see all the warning signs. Well, as I mentioned above, I’ll throw a beautiful, smart woman in front of you, have her extoll your amazingness to the world, and see how long you last.  And with a borderline, when things are good, they're amazing.  Once you’re in, it’s tough to break away because you’ve been convinced you’re not worthy of a good woman. It’s a slow, insidious process. Truly, the nut jobs who have their act polished are incredibly seductive. I wound up dating another girl who made the same noises (she didn’t seem to be a Borderline though) and it wasn’t easy to walk away from, even with the knowledge I’ve gained. 

While some may read this and think otherwise, I’m not bitter over what happened. The truth is that C wasn’t in control of her actions and, as a result, I can’t blame her. 

Ultimately, what came out of the whole episode? Well, I learned a lot more about myself. When I looked in the mirror, after we separated, I didn’t like what I saw and made a sincere effort to change the things that bothered me most.  For some time after, I overcompensated for missing what I felt I should have caught by ‘chasing shadows’ in other women. OMG, she likes the same type of apple C does; she’s gotta be nuts! I developed a rockin' case of fear of intimacy.  But, I’ve settled down and moved on to be what I would like to think is an emotionally healthy state.  In the meantime, C has married her fourth husband; the shelf life on her marriages seems to be around seven years, so the clock is ticking.

So, to all of my readers, I wish you happy and healthy dating.  Don't ignore warning signs in a potential partner.  If something seems abnormal, it probably is, regardless of how the other party justifies it.

https://tinyurl.com/gkvnbwz

Religion, Faith, etc.

Preface:
Because religion and faith come into play in the dating world, I thought it might be a good time to share my views on the topic.  I'm doing this now because these topics will come into play in at least one upcoming entry and it's easier to throw it all out in one spot, instead of having to repeatedly explain my position.  This is NOT meant as an all encompassing treatise on theology, nor as the basis for an existential debate on the topic.

Before I go any further, let me be very clear on one thing:  I respect the rights of others to believe in whatever they wish and I expect that respect to be reciprocated. 

Organized Religion
I have a hate love hate relationship with organized religion.  There's no question that religious entities do some great work for the needy, but they've also been responsible for more than a little genocide along the way.  More Jews and Muslims have died in the name of God than at the hands of the Third Reich.  For centuries, religious institutions were the least tolerant and most oppressive forces upon society.  But make no mistake, intolerance of other religions was all about power.  In particular, the Catholic church had it and wanted to keep it at all costs.  If that meant slaughtering members of some upstart religion?  Um yeah, it was God's will they died.  We'll come back to God's will later.  But the insanity that's been seen its origin in organized religion is just overwhelming, if you think about it.

Christianity doesn't have a monopoly on power plays in the name of dogma.  Sure, the split in Islam into the Sunni and Shia began as a difference in beliefs, but it's long since become all about, you guessed it, power.  And thousands have died as a result.

As to the horrific things currently being perpetrated by a few meatheads in the name of Islam, I don't associate them with the religion.  Power hungry (gee, recurring theme) despots exhort and fund acts by uneducated, ignorant, weak minded, goat fuckers because said despots don't have the economic horsepower to be true world leaders.  The homegrown versions are about the same, except they don't have the lack of education to blame.  And they likely still fuck goats.

I have to admit the current Pope encourages me just a bit.  He seems to be interested more about his fellow man than the power of the Catholic church.  Granted, by being so warm and fuzzy, he's hoping to entice people to join the church, but who doesn't have a motive?

My ambivalence toward organized religion continues at the local level,  When I was much younger, I went to church every Sunday, participated in Bible study groups, and such.  Some of the most genuinely kind and selfless people I've ever met were members of that church.  Wow, I hadn't thought of them in years and the memories have warmed my soul just a bit.  On the flip side, my church, as I'm sure most churches, included some of the most petty, selfish, jackwads I've ever met.  These were mostly in leadership positions.  They had their own agenda and it was all about, you guessed it, power, usually over the most inane things.

The Word Of God
Most of the atrocities I've mentioned have been in the name of some god and usually justified by citing the word of said deity.
As I'm neither a scholar of Christianity nor Islam, I'll stick with what I'm the least ignorant about, which is the former.  Regardless, my position comes down to this:  how the hell can you know what the real word of God is?
Most of us are aware that the Bible we know doesn't include all the books written, particularly with respect to the New Testament.  That portion was written over the span of the first through the sixth century AD.  Six hundred years is quite awhile after Jesus allegedly walked the earth to be writing about him with any credibility.  I'll go out on a limb and say there weren't any first hand witnesses around when those books were written.  The earliest books of the New Testament were written fifty plus years after, which makes one wonder why the authors waited so long to chronicle the deeds of the messiah.  If they guy actually existed, performed miracles, and such, one would think his deeds would have been written about contemporaneously.  And not all the books made the cut; one source I found said that there were originally three thousand books in the New Testament.  Who says they weren't the correct ones?  A group of clergy sat down and chose the ones to be included.  Again, I'm fairly certain none of them had first hand knowledge of the events.  Therefore, I would argue that we have no way of knowing what the actual word of God was.

Some of what's considered to be the word of God was most likely created as a way to govern the Hebrews as they sought out a new home.  They no longer had a king to fear and obey, so a new entity to guide them was required.  What better of a leader to have than a divine one who is all powerful and all seeing?  What better to create unity than a benevolent deity, who loves his followers (and isn't afraid to raise a little hell when they get out of line)?

One of the items in the Bible that I'll point to as a support for the 'code of conduct' theory is the prohibition of eating pork, as outlined in Leviticus.  It's only been recently that pork could be consumed without fear of contracting trichinosis, so consuming pork could be downright dangerous back before we understood proper food preparation and sanitation.  'Hey, to keep our people safe, we'll just put in that God said it's uncool.'  For all we know, the guy who wrote that part of the scripture had a beef (no pun intended) with his neighbor, who was a pig farmer.  It's all for naught anyway, because in Mark, Jesus contradicts God and says all food is okay.  How did that go down when Jesus rose to meet Daddy?

God:  You disobeyed my word by making meat from the pig okay
Jesus:  Dad, there's this thing they make from pig; one of the disciples slipped it into dinner.  That Joseph's such a joker.  Anyway, it was delicious!  Heavenly even.
G:  Don't get carried away, son.  So, what's this new food of the pig called?
J:  Bacon!

There are plenty of other things noted in the Bible, that are naughty in God's eyes, yet even the church accepts them now.  Just because you're 'the church' doesn't grant you the right to reinterpret the word of God.  Although, the Bible was retooled and reinterpreted several centuries after JC left the building, so there's that.

How the Bible has been manipulated over the centuries is a topic unto itself, but it certainly casts a new light on various religions claiming theirs is the right one, and condemn those who worship differently as blasphemers.  And they shallst be known as the greatest of the idiots.

The Existence of God / Allah / Ishvara / Other Deities
In short, the horrible things that go on in our world wouldn't occur, were there a loving deity guiding us and protecting us.  So no, I don't believe in the general concept of God(s).  That doesn't mean there wasn't a creator of some sort.  Yes, the big bang theory has a great deal of evidence behind it, but what was before that?  For all we know, our universe was a project for some cosmic teenager's senior science project, that he got a B- on.

People of Faith
Readers might be surprised to find I actually hold a great deal of respect for people of earnest faith. Those who truly live being Christian are some of the kindest, most giving, I've ever met.  Truly, now more than ever, faith is something that's tough to hold onto.  And if your faith provides you comfort, solace, and brings joy to your life, you're ahead of the rest of us.  Not to mention, most religion's tenets provide an excellent moral framework.

However, that respect has a few boundaries.  While I advocate the freedom to believe and worship as your faith dictates, practicing your religion should never impinge upon my ability to practice my own.  Worship that golden calf all you want but if you get in my face for eating a steak, you're gonna have a chance to meet that golden calf maker sooner rather than later.

There is one other segment of the faithful that makes me want to punch them every time they speak; I refer to them as the ones who always want God to drive.  These are the people who proclaim everything that happens to them as God's will and take little to no responsibility for their own actions.  No, it wasn't God's will you're paralyzed and He's not doing it to test you; it's because you were a dumb fuck and got shitfaced before you got behind the wheel.  I met someone recently, who repeatedly did stupid things, most of which I pointed out were stupid prior to said stupid actions being taken.  Instead of modifying their behavior, they'd pray for guidance on what to do.  Um, I just gave you the fucking guidance!!!!  They would repeatedly say 'it's in God's hands'.

Listen people, if you believe in God, you still need to remember the two greatest gifts he's given to you; free will and a brain.  And that's the argument I've had with more than one of the non-drivers.  I've lost count of how many times I've said 'I'm fairly certain God would want you to use the fucking brain he gave you to make the right choices, instead of hoping he'll clean up after you after you make the wrong ones.'  I don't believe in God but I'm fairly certain if he actually existed, he wouldn't appreciate you treating him like your janitor.

Challenging Dog Days

Preface:  This entry is not intended to evoke a pity party nor to solicit platitudes for my volunteer work.  It's simply a 'get it off your chest' post.

As I mentioned in a previous blog entry, volunteering at the local SPCA has been incredibly rewarding for me.  I can see genuine results of my efforts in the form of dogs finding homes.  And I get to play with dogs, which is always fun.  However, over the past few weeks, there have been some rough days for me at the shelter.

It'll help if I set the stage a bit.  What most people don't realize is that many of the animals that come through our facility have never been pets or have been in 'the system' for so long, they've forgotten how to be one.  As a result, they can often be quite difficult to work with, spooky, and sometimes aggressive.  When I get done at the shelter, it sometimes feels as though I've been in a bar fight, because some massive animal has been fighting me on a leash or body slamming me in excitement.  Bottom line, you can't do this sort of work without possessing a sincere, genuine love of animals.

But you wind up facing a double edged sword, because as much as you love these dogs, even the more challenging ones, you have to be able to switch your emotions off when you leave at the end of the day.  If you don't, you'll wind up a complete mess and unable to do the work you've committed yourself to.  It's a skill I've become adept at over the six years of so I've been on the volunteer training group.  Some of the things I've seen, with respect to the condition dogs arrive in, I refuse to speak or think about.  You have to shut those thoughts out.

But every now and again, there are dogs that won't allow you to just walk away unscathed.  For one reason or another, they steal your heart and won't let go.  So, as much as I try to cultivate my cold, bulletproof persona, I'll admit to there being times I've driven home with a tear in my eye.  That happened this past week, but it was more of a tidal wave.

The story starts in September of last year.  There were two German Shepherds that came into the shelter together; one was a 'standard', the other a beautiful white one.  They had clearly been in the system for quite some time and were so shut down and flat that they were almost spooky. Like most dogs, they were incredibly stressed in the shelter environment.  They were were loving, gentle, and scared out of their minds and for some reason, these two captured my heart.  Two gorgeous dogs like that would normally find homes in a heartbeat.  The white one alone would be adopted before I could finish typing this sentence.  Except they had become emotionally dependent on one another and could only be adopted as a pair.  Because of their codependency, I couldn't really work with one dog at a time, so I spent hours with both, gaining their trust, giving them love, treats, and generally trying to make their stay a little stressful.  I know it helped a bit because they didn't wag their tails at all, when someone came to visit; they began doing it for me but only me.

Obviously, adopting two massive dogs requires someone special.  Yet, some time in October, it happened, but came back within a month, when their new family had to move and couldn't take the girls along.  They went back out in March and I thought they'd struck gold, being adopted by a family with a farm.  We were all encouraged by the photos of the girls playing, which no one could get them to do at the shelter.  Then, on Thursday, I saw a sign on one of the kennels - 'Reserved for X & Y'.  My girls were being returned (through no fault of their own) and it felt like my heart was being ripped out.  I'm not ashamed to admit there were a few tears even before I left the shelter that day.

But I'm taking all of the emotion and turning it to motivation to get the dogs adopted.  That means breaking them up, if  at all possible, but only if it can be done without harming their emotional well being.  I'm the only one they trust enough to venture out without each other, so the task falls to me.  I'll spare you the details, but I began yesterday and am encouraged by what I've accomplished so far.
Long post, with multiple admissions of vulnerability, but it needed to be written just to get if off my chest.  Thanks for reading.

Your Relationship With a Married Man Isn't

If you read my previous blog, which discussed unrealistic expectations in dating, and why women who've never been married / had children tend to be one big red flag, you'll remember the woman who became the sort of poster child for both.  In that post, I also related how the love of her life was a man married to another woman.  Over the years, I've encountered a few women who've told me the same thing.  In fact, I got into a fairly hot debate with another blogger here, when she attempted to defend being involved with a married man.  But this most recent one pushed me over the edge to write about the topic.  I almost feel the need to thank her for providing such great material for this blog, although I doubt she'd be terribly welcoming of my gratitude.

Before we go any further, I'll preface by saying this blog will likely include some rather blunt and nasty sentiments.  And lots of sarcasm.  I consider repeated and ongoing infidelity to be reprehensible and therefore, have little tolerance for those who engage in it.  

Back on topic, which is how someone can consider being involved in someone else's infidelity a meaningful relationship.

As a basis for discussion, here's what the most recent woman wrote in an email to me, although it's incredibly consistent with what I've heard from the others I've encountered.  

...there has been one man in my life who made me feel incredibly sexy, beautiful, and wanted. He was and probably still is absolutely amazing. The only man I have ever loved. We trusted each other against all odds and allowed ourselves to be vulnerable through words, thoughts, and announced feelings. He was also married and it would never be anything but that. Shame on him and shame on me yet the greatest love I have ever felt. 

Morality
Let's get this one out of the way first.  For the cheater, I don't think there's much of a debate to be had.  He's repeatedly cheating, being unfaithful, trashing his marriage vows, etc.  He's a scum bag of the highest order; pretty self-evident stuff.  In my opinion, she's not much better, knowingly engaging with a scumbag cheating on his wife.  Obviously, the situation changes if she doesn't know he's married, but that takes a special kind of naivete.  No, the women I've encountered have all been intelligent enough to know the guy's both married and going to stay that way.

Gullibility?
While that wonderful man is lying to and cheating on his wife, the other woman believes he's being honest with her.  Why would she believe otherwise?  Clearly, his actions demonstrate his high level of integrity!  

My favorite part of her text bears repeating:
We trusted each other against all odds and allowed ourselves to be vulnerable through words, thoughts, and announced feelings. 

Odds of what, you drama queen?  Getting caught sneaking around with a married dude?  Maybe that's it, against all odds, we got away with it.  

Also, I think it's I'd be remiss if I neglected to point out the omission of a rather important word here.  That word is ACTIONS.  As I wrote in my blog about love, it's a verb, and while words are nice to say and hear, they mean nothing without the deeds associated with them.

But, because he has to go home to his wife, he gets a pass on that whole action thing.  Except for the action he's getting from his side chick, obviously.  That's a great gig for him!  

He's saying all the things she wants to hear and she's drinking it in, like some sort of ambrosia.  She believes him because why wouldn't she?  After all, there has never ever been a man, in the history of civilization, who has said things a woman wants to hear in order to get her into the sack.  I'm confident enough to say I speak for every man on this.  It's just something we wouldn't do.

Yet, I've heard many women complain about men who do just that; say whatever they need to for a roll in the hay.  As a matter of fact, the woman who wrote the above, did just that in the same email.  It seems those weren't the right words for her to swallow.

When a woman tries to justify how great the cheater she's screwing is, I like to ask questions that usually get me in trouble, but force her to admit things she doesn't want to.  'So when the last time he changed a tough to reach light bulb for you?  Or got under your car to investigate the odd noise it was making.  When you had that awful stomach flu, did he come over and take care of you?'   The most common response, after the explanations and justifications (he would if he could, really!), is 'never'.  

Gullible?  I think that's being kind.

Affecting Later Relationships
When the two part ways, how does her experience impact how she views new potential relationships?  She has a plethora of fond memories, where her partner is loving, kind, thoughtful, and eager to please.  He always made their time together seem like a fairy tale.  She never considers that he only needed to be this amazing man for a few hours a week.  Almost any man can be 'perfect' and 'amazing' for short bursts.  But she's not thinking about that because she can feel he truly loves her, he said, sarcastically.

She doesn't see how he's let the garage become a disaster area, how he berates his kids (when he's not ignoring them), or refuses to help around the house.  How he's a bastard to be around, when he's had a bad day at work.  She doesn't hear him body shaming his wife.  These are are all made up and are not intended to describe anyone in particular.  However, from the women I've dated who've had their husband cheat on them, they're not far from the truth.  Not one told me their ex was a loving man at home.  In my experience, men who cheat tend to be neglectful and distasteful husbands.  Beyond the cheating obviously.

But again, she only sees that perfect man she fell in love with and he becomes the yardstick by which other relationships are measured.  That almost always leaves her in a conflicted state.  She wants a 'real' relationship, but none can ever measure up to that little utopia the cheater created for her.  No one, regardless of how exceptional they are, can be perfect 24/7, yet she somehow thinks otherwise.

Other Consequences
Finally, an aspect I can't really comment on, because I've no way of seeing into these women's heads.  What does an affair like this, really do to a woman's self-esteem?  Sure, she feels loved and all that other shit, but in the back of her mind, she knows she'll never be his top priority.  It's thrown in her face every time he goes home to his wife, or cancels an interlude because of unexpected family obligations.  His words say she's the love of his life but his actions invariably confirm her status as second best.  Or does she rationalize it in her obviously malleable mind in some way?  For those who've been in this situation and are brave enough, I'd genuinely welcome your input.

I'll close with a question to ponder.  Certainly, the experience negatively impacts the other woman, but was she already suffering from some sort of issue that made the arrangement attractive in the first place?  Feel free to share your thoughts.

Dating Profile Of The Week for May 1, 2017

Lately, I've been remiss in sharing interesting dating profiles I've come across.  I've been busy meeting the strange and freaky, as well as engaging in real life.  While I've gathered a few profiles that are laughable (which I'll share at some point), this one popped up today and really struck a chord.

On Plenty of Fish, RVA5025 (Natalie) devotes a sizable chunk of her profile to demeaning other women who she sees as inferior to herself.

She writes:

I get that there are many women whose idea of "flirting" is texting naked and suggestive pictures to you. I get that a large percentage of women you've met will go home with you before knowing your last name, and if not on the first date, certainly by the second or third. This is not me. 

That doesn't make me a prude or a woman who doesn't enjoy intimacy. That makes me a woman with self-respect and standards. I know that's rare these days...

I'm going full off the cuff on this one, kids, and remove what little filter I possess.  The first thing I thought, when reading this was 'you stupid, judgmental, closed minded, ignorant bitch'.  Seriously, you're looking down your nose at other women for something you obviously have zero clue about.

Women don't have sex with a guy on the first or second date because they lack self-respect or possess low standards.  They do it because they want to be fucked!  A woman can do that because she controls her body and has the power to do with it as she sees fit.  When she has needs, she has the option to fuck whoever she wants and still look at herself in the mirror.  I'm so sick of slut shaming by the ignorant.

She's not the first woman I've encountered with this same point of view.  The kind who considers sex as a reward for sticking with them through a certain period of time.  'You're a good boy and have proven yourself worthy by tolerating me, despite how bitchy and humorless I am.  You may put your penis inside me.  But please take a shower first and don't even think of putting that thing near my mouth.'  This attitude wasn't uncommon when I was in my 20's, but if a woman reaches her forties and nothing's changed, she's got some issues.  I haven't encountered very many women in their forties who don't want sex a lot.  In any case, you know damned well sex with this chick will be horrible.

A former fwb, who was a devout Muslim, had the same viewpoint, when it came to sleeping with men she was dating.  She even came up with a points system to prevent sleeping with a guy too early.  I told her that no matter what hurdles she put up, it didn't matter.  Just because the guy stayed with you until he met the points quota doesn't mean he won't disappear the morning after he fucks you.  Furthermore, some guys enjoy a challenge, meaning they'll stick it out, just to get what they want. Conversely, fucking a guy on the first or second date has almost no bearing on whether the relationship will last.

I'm done with my tirade now...

Dating - Expectations and Updates

When I wrote my entry on dating in your 40's, I thought I'd covered the topic fairly well.  However, I recently had an experience that pushed what I considered an abnormal dating pitfall into the primary group.  

I'd been emailing with a lovely woman, who seemed like a great catch.  Educated, funny, very attractive, yada yada yada.  We decided to chat on the phone and had an interesting and enjoyable conversation. The next day, she sent me an email that contained the following:

I must be honest though, I felt like I was talking to a long lost buddy, not someone I thought I might date. I'm not writing it off, I simply didn't fall asleep pondering the what ifs. I think that's what I was hoping for.  

Wait, what???   

While many have become jaded, everyone desires the fairy tale 'happily ever after', whether they'll openly admit it or not.  Most of us who are dating have the desire to find a love that will last the rest of our lives.  Some, both with and without some sort of mental health issues, tend to dive into a serious relationship more quickly than others.  I've been guilty of doing so occasionally, in the past.   

However, expecting to discover that perfect match / soulmate / love of your life in an initial phone call is just ludicrous for a host of reasons that I think are self-evident.  Sorry, but I'm not feeling the need to sugar coat, today.  There must be some insane level of magic that's gotta go down for that to happen!    Personally, I've never experienced it nor have I ever encountered someone who claims it happened to them.  One thing is for certain though; had someone told me they'd imagined the future with me, after the first phone call, Mo Farah would have looked like he was standing still compared to the speed I exhibited in running away.

She went on to conclude with: This may add to the reasons I am single.
Gee, ya think?

Before our phone conversation, she shared that the great love of her life was married to another woman.  That somewhat set the stage for her expectations to be somewhat out of sync with reality.  I'll save my thoughts on that situation for another post.  

That brings us back to the beginning, where I mention omissions in my original dating entry.  While I touched on unrealistic expectations, that section should probably be a bit more robust.  If you revisit the blog, you'll see I explicitly state that those in the various segments should be avoided and a new one has been added.  

Never Married / No Kids - Probably what will be the most controversial on the list, it belongs just the same.  It's intentionally a two criteria segment because, while it may offend some readers, you haven't learned what true commitment is until you've had kids of your own.  Marriage can teach commitment, but not always.  Regardless, the women in this segment have made a commitment to neither marriage nor children.  Because the reasons vary, ranging from unrealistic expectations, to chronic immaturity, to mental illness / fear of commitment / inability to love, and so on, it's not feasible to create the perfect picture of this woman.  However, I've dated multiple women who fall into this category and, with only one exception, they've all been disasters.

In addition, it may be a good idea to revisit our own expectations, with respect to a potential partner, and ask ourselves whether they're reasonable, complete fantasy, or potentially harmful to our own well being.  

With that, I wish you happy dating, friends!

On Being An Alpha Male

In another venue in which I blog, there has recently been a fair amount of discussion about Alpha males.  The primary debate was around what traits an man must possess to be an Alpha.  So, I decided to explore the topic a bit further and ask what it really means to be an Alpha and do women actually desire them? 

The term 'Alpha male' is frequently misused and often carries a negative connotation in today's society.  Today's man is supposed to be warm, caring, and in touch with his feelings.  Can a man be all those things and still be an Alpha?  In my opinion, the answer is an emphatic yes.  

There are many articles on Alpha males floating around, each offering a different take on what makes one a true Alpha.  The attributes and traits are endless and span across every aspect of life, from business to interaction with peers, to romantic relationships.  For the sake of brevity and maintaining focus, this post will be about the Alpha within the context of a romantic relationship and a potential resulting family.

To best understand what an Alpha is, I think it's more helpful to begin with what an Alpha isn't.  He is not the boss, dominating his significant other twenty four hours a day and telling her what to do.  He is not in charge every waking moment.  This sort of dynamic is reserved for D/s relationships and although a Dom, by definition, must be an Alpha, his taking charge goes several steps further.

Let's begin to fill in the traits that do make an Alpha male.   These are qualities I think constitute an Alpha male, but I may have missed a few.  Some of these might surprise you.

An Alpha male is:
- A Leader - This is the most elemental trait of an Alpha.  He takes the reins and sets the direction of his life and relationship.  To be clear, one doesn't need to be in charge to be a leader.  However, if you're in charge, you'd better be a leader.

- Confident - An Alpha is secure and comfortable in his own skin.  He has no doubt about his desirability to the opposite sex and there's no question in his mind that he's the best man for whatever task he sets his mind to.

- Decisive - When confronted with a tough choice, he doesn't hesitate.  That doesn't mean he's reckless, rather that he'll quickly consider each option and make the right decision as opposed to being frozen by the challenge.  The Alpha doesn't waffle.

- Calm under pressure - When things are collapsing at his feet, the Alpha male doesn't panic.  He's the shoulder you know will be there to lean on, no matter what the circumstances.  He doesn't raise his voice unnecessarily, so when he does, there's no doubt about the importance of what he's saying.

- Charismatic - The Alpha is an interesting guy that you want to be around.  He draws you in with his insight and story telling.

- Protective - Do not mess with an Alpha's family or you may wind up in a situation where your life may be in question.  Ask my stepdaughter's stalker, who was finally treated to a view up the barrel of a Glock.

- Smart - Regardless of his education, an Alpha soaks up information like a sponge and understands how to best apply it.  He's a sharp guy who can easily tell if you're trying to get one past him.

- Ambitious - He's not complacent when it comes to his place in the world and is always seeking a way to improve his families lot in life.  

- Dependable - When he commits to making something happen, you can forget about it.  Whether it's taking out the trash or planning a vacation, if he says he'll do it, the job will be completed when necessary.

- Calculating - He hasn't figured just out the current challenge, he's considered three steps beyond it, as well as the various contingencies.  

- The unquestioned master in the bedroom - This is one area where the Alpha is completely in charge.  Whether he's tenderly making love to you or making you scream that your his dirty slut, he leaves no doubt that he owns his lover. 

- Resilient - Even the Alpha male fails from time to time.  But he doesn't sit around and mope about it.  He's back on his feet before anyone noticed he took a spill. 

- Fair - He understands that a healthy relationship means that his partner is just that, with an equal vote in how they run their lives.

- Able to say 'I'm sorry' - Being dominant doesn't mean being an asshat.  He recognizes that it takes a stronger man to admit he's wrong and apologize, than force his mistake.

- A Supportive partner - He enables his partner to be the best she can and will take up the slack when her career dictates unusually long hours.  The Alpha genuinely cares about those he loves and wants them to feel it.  He's confident enough to eschew the spotlight to provide his partner what she needs.  

Did the last three attributes surprise you?  If you truly understand what it means to be a leader, their inclusion should make perfect sense.  Very few people want to be bossed around and dominated every minute of the day.  They desire the feeling of safety but still want to have their voices heard, to be treated as an equal.  An Alpha male understands that.  
Do women desire Alpha males over non-Alpha's?  In a word, Yes!!!!  The resounding message that I've heard from every woman I've chatted with on the topic is they want an Alpha male.

What makes women desire Alpha males?  This really depends upon the woman.  In the case of a woman who completely subscribes to traditional gender roles, the answer is self-evident.  However, I've found that most women crave that sort of dynamic, to some degree, for reasons I've outlined before in this post.  

  At this point, you're saying I've dated some women who could be considered Alphas.  Do they also crave Alpha males?  Good question.  At first glance, you would think that an Alpha woman would prefer a man who doesn't challenge her.  Someone with whom she doesn't butt heads with constantly.   But that's not the case at all.  The desire isn't there because they want to be challenged so much as they want a partner who won't shy away, when they become domineering.  My most rewarding relationship was with a woman Alpha.  It worked because we respected the hell out of each other.  There were things she had a stronger opinion and others that were important to me.  Because we were both leaders, it allowed us to sort of pick and choose where each of us led.  She never thought she'd want to be with another Alpha and was surprised by how much she enjoyed it.  Apparently all of her previous significant others complained that she was too much of a ball buster and rather high maintenance.  I found her to be anything but.

If we delve a bit deeper, we can gain more of an understanding as to the specific attributes women find appealing.  We'll do this by discussing two Alpha traits that I've repeatedly been told men fall short on.  I've heard women repeatedly complain about men being indecisive, with several using the exact same example.  Any truly observant man must admit that it's mostly women who run the household on a daily basis.  They're usually the one to deal with the kids, plan meals, and most everything else to keep the family afloat.  Sometimes, they want their husband / significant other to take them out for dinner and they don't want to make yet another decision about where to go.  When they ask him to choose, they'll receive a response of I don't know, what do you want?  You can get away with that exchange once, but on the second go around, you'd better man up and pick a restaurant.  That's a minor detail, you're saying. It might be to you, but I've lost count of how many times I've heard thank God you're able to make a decision!  My ex-husband and every other guy I've dated couldn't do that simple thing for me and it drove me crazy!  Even if he accidentally chose a place we wound up hating, we'd hate it together and still find a way to make it fun!  Yeah, it's that important, guys.  

In my opinion, that theme applies to almost every aspect of a relationship.  The Alpha is considerate of what their partner wants and will defer to her desires (so long as they're within reason, obviously).  However, in the absence of a strong opinion, he'll take the lead and make it happen, whether that be dinner, a vacation, or other things a couple does.

If you understand women at all, you know that sometimes, it's the little things that can mean so much.  From what I've gathered, in speaking with various women, the restaurant challenge tends to be rather symbolic, more than substantive, but indicates a greater problem.  The overall message being, I've given up on him being decisive on larger issues, but you'd think he could make one minor decision.  

The other area women tell me men fall short is being dominant in the bedroom.  It is the rare woman who doesn't want their man to own them in the bedroom, and only a true Alpha can do it.  This and the reasons why, were covered in my blog celebrating sluts.  But if a man is indecisive or meek everywhere else, he just can't sell being an Alpha in the bedroom, to the frustration of his partner.  

At this point, I could offend a large chunk of my male readers and share that one of the other resounding messages I've heard from women is that pretty much every man in their relationship history couldn't pass muster as an Alpha.  Or, I could explore valuable tools on how to ensure you're perceived as an Alpha, but how many men would read that?  Hell, there's a guy sitting in his parents' basement, whose only ever been with a woman once yet he's confident he's a rock solid Alpha male.  No, I've answered the two questions I'd posed at the outset of this entry, so I'll leave it there.