Your Relationship With a Married Man Isn't

If you read my previous blog, which discussed unrealistic expectations in dating, and why women who've never been married / had children tend to be one big red flag, you'll remember the woman who became the sort of poster child for both.  In that post, I also related how the love of her life was a man married to another woman.  Over the years, I've encountered a few women who've told me the same thing.  In fact, I got into a fairly hot debate with another blogger here, when she attempted to defend being involved with a married man.  But this most recent one pushed me over the edge to write about the topic.  I almost feel the need to thank her for providing such great material for this blog, although I doubt she'd be terribly welcoming of my gratitude.

Before we go any further, I'll preface by saying this blog will likely include some rather blunt and nasty sentiments.  And lots of sarcasm.  I consider repeated and ongoing infidelity to be reprehensible and therefore, have little tolerance for those who engage in it.  

Back on topic, which is how someone can consider being involved in someone else's infidelity a meaningful relationship.

As a basis for discussion, here's what the most recent woman wrote in an email to me, although it's incredibly consistent with what I've heard from the others I've encountered.  

...there has been one man in my life who made me feel incredibly sexy, beautiful, and wanted. He was and probably still is absolutely amazing. The only man I have ever loved. We trusted each other against all odds and allowed ourselves to be vulnerable through words, thoughts, and announced feelings. He was also married and it would never be anything but that. Shame on him and shame on me yet the greatest love I have ever felt. 

Morality
Let's get this one out of the way first.  For the cheater, I don't think there's much of a debate to be had.  He's repeatedly cheating, being unfaithful, trashing his marriage vows, etc.  He's a scum bag of the highest order; pretty self-evident stuff.  In my opinion, she's not much better, knowingly engaging with a scumbag cheating on his wife.  Obviously, the situation changes if she doesn't know he's married, but that takes a special kind of naivete.  No, the women I've encountered have all been intelligent enough to know the guy's both married and going to stay that way.

Gullibility?
While that wonderful man is lying to and cheating on his wife, the other woman believes he's being honest with her.  Why would she believe otherwise?  Clearly, his actions demonstrate his high level of integrity!  

My favorite part of her text bears repeating:
We trusted each other against all odds and allowed ourselves to be vulnerable through words, thoughts, and announced feelings. 

Odds of what, you drama queen?  Getting caught sneaking around with a married dude?  Maybe that's it, against all odds, we got away with it.  

Also, I think it's I'd be remiss if I neglected to point out the omission of a rather important word here.  That word is ACTIONS.  As I wrote in my blog about love, it's a verb, and while words are nice to say and hear, they mean nothing without the deeds associated with them.

But, because he has to go home to his wife, he gets a pass on that whole action thing.  Except for the action he's getting from his side chick, obviously.  That's a great gig for him!  

He's saying all the things she wants to hear and she's drinking it in, like some sort of ambrosia.  She believes him because why wouldn't she?  After all, there has never ever been a man, in the history of civilization, who has said things a woman wants to hear in order to get her into the sack.  I'm confident enough to say I speak for every man on this.  It's just something we wouldn't do.

Yet, I've heard many women complain about men who do just that; say whatever they need to for a roll in the hay.  As a matter of fact, the woman who wrote the above, did just that in the same email.  It seems those weren't the right words for her to swallow.

When a woman tries to justify how great the cheater she's screwing is, I like to ask questions that usually get me in trouble, but force her to admit things she doesn't want to.  'So when the last time he changed a tough to reach light bulb for you?  Or got under your car to investigate the odd noise it was making.  When you had that awful stomach flu, did he come over and take care of you?'   The most common response, after the explanations and justifications (he would if he could, really!), is 'never'.  

Gullible?  I think that's being kind.

Affecting Later Relationships
When the two part ways, how does her experience impact how she views new potential relationships?  She has a plethora of fond memories, where her partner is loving, kind, thoughtful, and eager to please.  He always made their time together seem like a fairy tale.  She never considers that he only needed to be this amazing man for a few hours a week.  Almost any man can be 'perfect' and 'amazing' for short bursts.  But she's not thinking about that because she can feel he truly loves her, he said, sarcastically.

She doesn't see how he's let the garage become a disaster area, how he berates his kids (when he's not ignoring them), or refuses to help around the house.  How he's a bastard to be around, when he's had a bad day at work.  She doesn't hear him body shaming his wife.  These are are all made up and are not intended to describe anyone in particular.  However, from the women I've dated who've had their husband cheat on them, they're not far from the truth.  Not one told me their ex was a loving man at home.  In my experience, men who cheat tend to be neglectful and distasteful husbands.  Beyond the cheating obviously.

But again, she only sees that perfect man she fell in love with and he becomes the yardstick by which other relationships are measured.  That almost always leaves her in a conflicted state.  She wants a 'real' relationship, but none can ever measure up to that little utopia the cheater created for her.  No one, regardless of how exceptional they are, can be perfect 24/7, yet she somehow thinks otherwise.

Other Consequences
Finally, an aspect I can't really comment on, because I've no way of seeing into these women's heads.  What does an affair like this, really do to a woman's self-esteem?  Sure, she feels loved and all that other shit, but in the back of her mind, she knows she'll never be his top priority.  It's thrown in her face every time he goes home to his wife, or cancels an interlude because of unexpected family obligations.  His words say she's the love of his life but his actions invariably confirm her status as second best.  Or does she rationalize it in her obviously malleable mind in some way?  For those who've been in this situation and are brave enough, I'd genuinely welcome your input.

I'll close with a question to ponder.  Certainly, the experience negatively impacts the other woman, but was she already suffering from some sort of issue that made the arrangement attractive in the first place?  Feel free to share your thoughts.

Dating Profile Of The Week for May 1, 2017

Lately, I've been remiss in sharing interesting dating profiles I've come across.  I've been busy meeting the strange and freaky, as well as engaging in real life.  While I've gathered a few profiles that are laughable (which I'll share at some point), this one popped up today and really struck a chord.

On Plenty of Fish, RVA5025 (Natalie) devotes a sizable chunk of her profile to demeaning other women who she sees as inferior to herself.

She writes:

I get that there are many women whose idea of "flirting" is texting naked and suggestive pictures to you. I get that a large percentage of women you've met will go home with you before knowing your last name, and if not on the first date, certainly by the second or third. This is not me. 

That doesn't make me a prude or a woman who doesn't enjoy intimacy. That makes me a woman with self-respect and standards. I know that's rare these days...

I'm going full off the cuff on this one, kids, and remove what little filter I possess.  The first thing I thought, when reading this was 'you stupid, judgmental, closed minded, ignorant bitch'.  Seriously, you're looking down your nose at other women for something you obviously have zero clue about.

Women don't have sex with a guy on the first or second date because they lack self-respect or possess low standards.  They do it because they want to be fucked!  A woman can do that because she controls her body and has the power to do with it as she sees fit.  When she has needs, she has the option to fuck whoever she wants and still look at herself in the mirror.  I'm so sick of slut shaming by the ignorant.

She's not the first woman I've encountered with this same point of view.  The kind who considers sex as a reward for sticking with them through a certain period of time.  'You're a good boy and have proven yourself worthy by tolerating me, despite how bitchy and humorless I am.  You may put your penis inside me.  But please take a shower first and don't even think of putting that thing near my mouth.'  This attitude wasn't uncommon when I was in my 20's, but if a woman reaches her forties and nothing's changed, she's got some issues.  I haven't encountered very many women in their forties who don't want sex a lot.  In any case, you know damned well sex with this chick will be horrible.

A former fwb, who was a devout Muslim, had the same viewpoint, when it came to sleeping with men she was dating.  She even came up with a points system to prevent sleeping with a guy too early.  I told her that no matter what hurdles she put up, it didn't matter.  Just because the guy stayed with you until he met the points quota doesn't mean he won't disappear the morning after he fucks you.  Furthermore, some guys enjoy a challenge, meaning they'll stick it out, just to get what they want. Conversely, fucking a guy on the first or second date has almost no bearing on whether the relationship will last.

I'm done with my tirade now...

Dating - Expectations and Updates

When I wrote my entry on dating in your 40's, I thought I'd covered the topic fairly well.  However, I recently had an experience that pushed what I considered an abnormal dating pitfall into the primary group.  

I'd been emailing with a lovely woman, who seemed like a great catch.  Educated, funny, very attractive, yada yada yada.  We decided to chat on the phone and had an interesting and enjoyable conversation. The next day, she sent me an email that contained the following:

I must be honest though, I felt like I was talking to a long lost buddy, not someone I thought I might date. I'm not writing it off, I simply didn't fall asleep pondering the what ifs. I think that's what I was hoping for.  

Wait, what???   

While many have become jaded, everyone desires the fairy tale 'happily ever after', whether they'll openly admit it or not.  Most of us who are dating have the desire to find a love that will last the rest of our lives.  Some, both with and without some sort of mental health issues, tend to dive into a serious relationship more quickly than others.  I've been guilty of doing so occasionally, in the past.   

However, expecting to discover that perfect match / soulmate / love of your life in an initial phone call is just ludicrous for a host of reasons that I think are self-evident.  Sorry, but I'm not feeling the need to sugar coat, today.  There must be some insane level of magic that's gotta go down for that to happen!    Personally, I've never experienced it nor have I ever encountered someone who claims it happened to them.  One thing is for certain though; had someone told me they'd imagined the future with me, after the first phone call, Mo Farah would have looked like he was standing still compared to the speed I exhibited in running away.

She went on to conclude with: This may add to the reasons I am single.
Gee, ya think?

Before our phone conversation, she shared that the great love of her life was married to another woman.  That somewhat set the stage for her expectations to be somewhat out of sync with reality.  I'll save my thoughts on that situation for another post.  

That brings us back to the beginning, where I mention omissions in my original dating entry.  While I touched on unrealistic expectations, that section should probably be a bit more robust.  If you revisit the blog, you'll see I explicitly state that those in the various segments should be avoided and a new one has been added.  

Never Married / No Kids - Probably what will be the most controversial on the list, it belongs just the same.  It's intentionally a two criteria segment because, while it may offend some readers, you haven't learned what true commitment is until you've had kids of your own.  Marriage can teach commitment, but not always.  Regardless, the women in this segment have made a commitment to neither marriage nor children.  Because the reasons vary, ranging from unrealistic expectations, to chronic immaturity, to mental illness / fear of commitment / inability to love, and so on, it's not feasible to create the perfect picture of this woman.  However, I've dated multiple women who fall into this category and, with only one exception, they've all been disasters.

In addition, it may be a good idea to revisit our own expectations, with respect to a potential partner, and ask ourselves whether they're reasonable, complete fantasy, or potentially harmful to our own well being.  

With that, I wish you happy dating, friends!

On Being An Alpha Male

In another venue in which I blog, there has recently been a fair amount of discussion about Alpha males.  The primary debate was around what traits an man must possess to be an Alpha.  So, I decided to explore the topic a bit further and ask what it really means to be an Alpha and do women actually desire them? 

The term 'Alpha male' is frequently misused and often carries a negative connotation in today's society.  Today's man is supposed to be warm, caring, and in touch with his feelings.  Can a man be all those things and still be an Alpha?  In my opinion, the answer is an emphatic yes.  

There are many articles on Alpha males floating around, each offering a different take on what makes one a true Alpha.  The attributes and traits are endless and span across every aspect of life, from business to interaction with peers, to romantic relationships.  For the sake of brevity and maintaining focus, this post will be about the Alpha within the context of a romantic relationship and a potential resulting family.

To best understand what an Alpha is, I think it's more helpful to begin with what an Alpha isn't.  He is not the boss, dominating his significant other twenty four hours a day and telling her what to do.  He is not in charge every waking moment.  This sort of dynamic is reserved for D/s relationships and although a Dom, by definition, must be an Alpha, his taking charge goes several steps further.

Let's begin to fill in the traits that do make an Alpha male.   These are qualities I think constitute an Alpha male, but I may have missed a few.  Some of these might surprise you.

An Alpha male is:
- A Leader - This is the most elemental trait of an Alpha.  He takes the reins and sets the direction of his life and relationship.  To be clear, one doesn't need to be in charge to be a leader.  However, if you're in charge, you'd better be a leader.

- Confident - An Alpha is secure and comfortable in his own skin.  He has no doubt about his desirability to the opposite sex and there's no question in his mind that he's the best man for whatever task he sets his mind to.

- Decisive - When confronted with a tough choice, he doesn't hesitate.  That doesn't mean he's reckless, rather that he'll quickly consider each option and make the right decision as opposed to being frozen by the challenge.  The Alpha doesn't waffle.

- Calm under pressure - When things are collapsing at his feet, the Alpha male doesn't panic.  He's the shoulder you know will be there to lean on, no matter what the circumstances.  He doesn't raise his voice unnecessarily, so when he does, there's no doubt about the importance of what he's saying.

- Charismatic - The Alpha is an interesting guy that you want to be around.  He draws you in with his insight and story telling.

- Protective - Do not mess with an Alpha's family or you may wind up in a situation where your life may be in question.  Ask my stepdaughter's stalker, who was finally treated to a view up the barrel of a Glock.

- Smart - Regardless of his education, an Alpha soaks up information like a sponge and understands how to best apply it.  He's a sharp guy who can easily tell if you're trying to get one past him.

- Ambitious - He's not complacent when it comes to his place in the world and is always seeking a way to improve his families lot in life.  

- Dependable - When he commits to making something happen, you can forget about it.  Whether it's taking out the trash or planning a vacation, if he says he'll do it, the job will be completed when necessary.

- Calculating - He hasn't figured just out the current challenge, he's considered three steps beyond it, as well as the various contingencies.  

- The unquestioned master in the bedroom - This is one area where the Alpha is completely in charge.  Whether he's tenderly making love to you or making you scream that your his dirty slut, he leaves no doubt that he owns his lover. 

- Resilient - Even the Alpha male fails from time to time.  But he doesn't sit around and mope about it.  He's back on his feet before anyone noticed he took a spill. 

- Fair - He understands that a healthy relationship means that his partner is just that, with an equal vote in how they run their lives.

- Able to say 'I'm sorry' - Being dominant doesn't mean being an asshat.  He recognizes that it takes a stronger man to admit he's wrong and apologize, than force his mistake.

- A Supportive partner - He enables his partner to be the best she can and will take up the slack when her career dictates unusually long hours.  The Alpha genuinely cares about those he loves and wants them to feel it.  He's confident enough to eschew the spotlight to provide his partner what she needs.  

Did the last three attributes surprise you?  If you truly understand what it means to be a leader, their inclusion should make perfect sense.  Very few people want to be bossed around and dominated every minute of the day.  They desire the feeling of safety but still want to have their voices heard, to be treated as an equal.  An Alpha male understands that.  
Do women desire Alpha males over non-Alpha's?  In a word, Yes!!!!  The resounding message that I've heard from every woman I've chatted with on the topic is they want an Alpha male.

What makes women desire Alpha males?  This really depends upon the woman.  In the case of a woman who completely subscribes to traditional gender roles, the answer is self-evident.  However, I've found that most women crave that sort of dynamic, to some degree, for reasons I've outlined before in this post.  

  At this point, you're saying I've dated some women who could be considered Alphas.  Do they also crave Alpha males?  Good question.  At first glance, you would think that an Alpha woman would prefer a man who doesn't challenge her.  Someone with whom she doesn't butt heads with constantly.   But that's not the case at all.  The desire isn't there because they want to be challenged so much as they want a partner who won't shy away, when they become domineering.  My most rewarding relationship was with a woman Alpha.  It worked because we respected the hell out of each other.  There were things she had a stronger opinion and others that were important to me.  Because we were both leaders, it allowed us to sort of pick and choose where each of us led.  She never thought she'd want to be with another Alpha and was surprised by how much she enjoyed it.  Apparently all of her previous significant others complained that she was too much of a ball buster and rather high maintenance.  I found her to be anything but.

If we delve a bit deeper, we can gain more of an understanding as to the specific attributes women find appealing.  We'll do this by discussing two Alpha traits that I've repeatedly been told men fall short on.  I've heard women repeatedly complain about men being indecisive, with several using the exact same example.  Any truly observant man must admit that it's mostly women who run the household on a daily basis.  They're usually the one to deal with the kids, plan meals, and most everything else to keep the family afloat.  Sometimes, they want their husband / significant other to take them out for dinner and they don't want to make yet another decision about where to go.  When they ask him to choose, they'll receive a response of I don't know, what do you want?  You can get away with that exchange once, but on the second go around, you'd better man up and pick a restaurant.  That's a minor detail, you're saying. It might be to you, but I've lost count of how many times I've heard thank God you're able to make a decision!  My ex-husband and every other guy I've dated couldn't do that simple thing for me and it drove me crazy!  Even if he accidentally chose a place we wound up hating, we'd hate it together and still find a way to make it fun!  Yeah, it's that important, guys.  

In my opinion, that theme applies to almost every aspect of a relationship.  The Alpha is considerate of what their partner wants and will defer to her desires (so long as they're within reason, obviously).  However, in the absence of a strong opinion, he'll take the lead and make it happen, whether that be dinner, a vacation, or other things a couple does.

If you understand women at all, you know that sometimes, it's the little things that can mean so much.  From what I've gathered, in speaking with various women, the restaurant challenge tends to be rather symbolic, more than substantive, but indicates a greater problem.  The overall message being, I've given up on him being decisive on larger issues, but you'd think he could make one minor decision.  

The other area women tell me men fall short is being dominant in the bedroom.  It is the rare woman who doesn't want their man to own them in the bedroom, and only a true Alpha can do it.  This and the reasons why, were covered in my blog celebrating sluts.  But if a man is indecisive or meek everywhere else, he just can't sell being an Alpha in the bedroom, to the frustration of his partner.  

At this point, I could offend a large chunk of my male readers and share that one of the other resounding messages I've heard from women is that pretty much every man in their relationship history couldn't pass muster as an Alpha.  Or, I could explore valuable tools on how to ensure you're perceived as an Alpha, but how many men would read that?  Hell, there's a guy sitting in his parents' basement, whose only ever been with a woman once yet he's confident he's a rock solid Alpha male.  No, I've answered the two questions I'd posed at the outset of this entry, so I'll leave it there.

Of Alligators and Mental Illness

There was once a man who loved alligators.  He loved them so much that he decided to keep one as a pet.  He named it George and he loved George dearly.  He gave George only the best alligator food and kept him well fed.  He would spend hours talking to George lovingly, giving him massages, and bathing him.  Every day, he told George how much he loved him and that they should be kind to each other.  Then, one day, George wrapped his jaws around the man’s head and killed him.  When the man reached St. Peter’s gates, he was in great conflict.  Had he not loved George enough, that George mauled him?  St. Peter looked at the man and said ‘What did you expect? It’s an alligator, you moron, and that’s what alligators do, they bite people!’

The moral of the story is that some creatures will behave in a certain way, because they’re hard wired to do so.  There’s no logic and no amount of reasoning that will change that behavior.

At this point, I'm certain you're wondering what the hell this has to do with my normal blog content.  This isn't Animal Planet, numb nuts!

The reason for sharing the story is because, like alligators, people can become hard wired for certain behavior.  In both animals, that wiring exists for their own survival or to prevent them from being harmed.  The behavior, in humans, is often learned (nurture over nature) and is usually the result of some sort of emotional trauma(s) in their lives.  This behavior is often irrational and in many cases, self-destructive.  However, it's just as predictable and unchanging as that of the alligator in our story.

And, just like the alligator in our story, you can't change their behavior / response, no matter what you do.  You can point out their behavior as irrational, abnormal, and every other similar adjective under the sun, yet they will remain resolute in their reasons why what they did makes sense.  Or they'll run away, if you've hit home with your argument.  However, they'll almost never reverse course.

This is why I will often refer to women who exhibit certain irrational behavior as alligators.  As always, I'll stipulate that men can also be alligators, but since I only date women, I can't speak to men's behavior.

Because I have the most experience with those suffering with abandonment issues, I'll use it an example.  The quick and dirty is that as the name implies, those suffering from the condition have an irrational fear of being abandoned.  This is often the result of some sort of abandonment they experienced.  One of the women I dated, who had the the worst abandonment issues I've encountered (short of my borderline ex-wife), could all but serve as a textbook illustration of cause and effect.  Through normal conversation, I discovered that her mother was mostly absent, during her childhood.  She had been married twice; the first husband died of cancer and the second told her, out of the blue, that he no longer loved her and wanted a divorce.  Three very important people in this woman's life had either neglected her or abandoned her.  These experiences affected her behavior in the same way as other women I've met, suffering with abandonment issues.  She tended to rush into new relationships, but only after attempting to push her new partner away (as a test to determine whether he represented a likely flight risk), and when she identified a man as a likely flight risk, she ran like hell.

And that's one of the behaviors you can count on from someone afflicted with abandonment issues.  At the first sign you may be a flight risk (perceived or real), that person will disengage and run.  I know this because I've been there.  When the woman above pushed me away, I began to disengage, thinking she wasn't interested.  Once that happened, I was banished.  It was about that time, via subsequent communication, I discovered her abandonment issues.

As noted, you can't reason, debate, bribe, threaten, or argue your way back into their lives.  Or, if you manage the remarkable, you'll be inexorably relegated to the friend zone.  I've got first hand experience on this one.

One more quick example, comes from my borderline ex-wife (who I'll write about in greater detail soon).  When I ended our marriage, I instantly became her sworn enemy.  You see, borderline personality disorder is sort of abandonment issues on steroids squared.  And to a borderline, abandoning them is a cardinal sin equal in magnitude to killing their kids.  Actually worse.  So, I knew she would try to punish me and throw every dirty trick, she could conjure, at me.  Nothing she did surprised me and in some ways, my understanding helped, because I new it wasn't 'personal'.  Likewise, I ran into traffic and ran late, on a run to collect some belongings.  I knew this was a hot button for borderlines and therefore, I'd face her unadulterated wrath, which I did.

Some readers may wonder why so much of my blog revolves around mental illness and relationships with those suffering from it.  First, I write about my experiences, and I've been involved with a number of women who suffer from mental illness.  Also, abnormal behavior both fascinates and frustrates me.  Some of the behavior exhibited, as the result of a mental disorder, can be maddening, when you're on the receiving end.  As humans, we desire order and consistency.  The sky is blue, the grass is green, and the sun rises in the East.  But alligators may believe with every fiber of their being that the grass is purple and will attempt to convince you of that until their dying breath.  You wind up sitting there, your mouth agape and eyebrows raised, trying to wrap your head around what they've just done.  The worst case is that the irrational behavior has caused pain, because it came from someone you care about.

Now, when I refer to someone as an alligator, you'll understand the meaning behind it.

How many of you have been affected by an alligator?

Asking For What You Need

In just the past couple of months, I've taken some harsh criticism for something I take very seriously, not being there to support someone I love.  Both accusations came from women; they hurt but also, to be blunt, pissed me off.  Why?  Because, in both instances, I wasn't aware they needed my support until I was accused of neglecting them.  And that's the theme of this blog.

If you want something, ask for it!

This goes for anything you may need someone you love to provide for you.  Support, sex, a shoulder to cry on, dinner out, whatever.  However, we're not talking about another Prada bag or giving up golf.  You're on your own for those sorts of things.

Before I go any further, let's get it out in the open; it's pretty much the men who are guilty of falling short in relationships.  We all know it so I won't couch this entry by saying it applies to both sexes; it doesn't.

People in general, and men in particular, can't be expected to read minds.  Take asking for emotional support as an example.  Men are typically brought up to not show emotion; it's seen as weakness.  Therefore, we almost never ask for someone to 'be there' for us.  We're just not wired to consider that as an option, so that need doesn't pop into our head.  If your entire family gets eaten by a herd of hippos, but you're soldiering onward, wearing a brave face, we think you've got it under control.  About the only time we'll know you need us is if you're bleeding out on the floor after a knife fight.

I'll say it again - If you need something from your partner or close friend, ask for it.  I'm not, in any way, saying you don't deserve what you're asking for.  And whatever it is may be supremely self-evident to you.  But even the most thoughtful guy is going to miss certain things from time to time.  And I'll speak for the male gender when I say we're happy to do things in order to support you.  Your happiness is very important to us.  So ask for what you need.

If you don't ask, then don't complain, because you have no right to.

He should have known about whatever it is he missed?  Perhaps, but, for whatever reason, he didn't.

Silence is tacit acceptance of what you're receiving from those around you, regardless of whether you deserve what they're not giving you.

I'll use the two women I mentioned as examples.  Those who've read my other posts will recognize both of them.  We'll start with my recent friend dumper.  It seems she was upset that I wasn't there for her during the holidays, which are a difficult time for reasons I won't share here.  Honestly, I'd forgotten, because she's always been the master of soldiering on.  I hadn't been around due to my own self-centered issues and tough time, but that's not important.  When I reached out, post holidays, she gave me the silent treatment and continues to.

When a friend isn't there for you, but you need them, which is the better option?
a) Friend 1 - 'Hey, if you're around, I could use some company.  This time of year is a bit rough for me.'
    Friend 2 - 'Sure, when do you want me to come over?  Should I bring cake?'

or

b) Silence, followed by being resentful and angry enough to cut ties with your best friend.

She indicated, on social media, that had I offered an apology, she'd have likely accepted it.  That information was a bit tough to come by, since she'd completely cut me off.  Should I have known to send an apology?  Probably.  I fucked up with her.  But obviously, I didn't.

Again, choose the better option:
a) Friend 1 - 'You suck as a friend!  You disappeared when I needed you.  You know the holidays are tough for me.'
   Friend 2 - 'Oh shit, I forgot about that.  I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you.  You deserve better from me.'

or

b) Friend 1 - Silence

The other person is the woman I was dating while I was ignoring former friend's needs for me to be there.  She was going through a challenging phase of her divorce and it was weighing heavily on her.  However, she was, wait for it, soldiering on.  After we broke up, she complained that I wasn't there for her during that tough time.

In both cases, I'm obviously sympathetic to their situation.  However, when it comes to my not being there, the blame doesn't fall solely on me.  Unless she got the bargain unit, the silver thing friend dumper carries around not only receives phone calls and emails, but it also initiates outgoing messages.  She should try it sometime; it's really awesome.  With respect to the apology, had she asked, I would have offered one; she was my best friend and I loved her for it.  But rather than ask for what she needed, both my time and an apology, she ended our friendship.

In the case of the other woman, I was in the same damned room with her, when she claims I wasn't there for her.  Yes, I was busy making Christmas cookies, but she never gave so much as a hint she needed my shoulder.  Yet she bitched just the same after the fact.

In both cases, their needs were clearly justified, reasonable, and well deserved.  Yet when they didn't receive what they needed, they didn't ask.

I'll repeat this one more time:  Had either of the two asked for me to support them, I would have dropped everything to provide that support, no questions asked.

Ultimately, we must take responsibility for our own needs, even if we're forced to rely on someone else to meet them.  Don't allow yourself fall into the trap of becoming bitter over something you could have received had you simply asked.

Socks

The most thought provoking, titillating topic of the day - socks. My question is why on God's green earth I can't buy a pack of blue socks where all three pair are identical???? But nooooo....you'll get three different pairs, including one you wouldn't wear to change to scoop out a septic tank, it's so ugly.

And you know damned well that one of those new socks will make a break for sock heaven, whether it be in the recesses of the dryer or behind a piece of furniture. But instead of having two pair left, with a reserve, you've got two pair and an orphan bastard of a sock that you'll have to put out of its misery.

I'd ask the question of who thought this was a good idea but I know the answer. The sock manufacturer! It's a win win for them. They move the ugly styles that the boss's son in law ordered. Plus, they know that smart guys like me will order two packs to ensure they have backups. Well, no more, I'm taking a footwear stand!

Oh, I do have more important things on my mind than socks but I just got done ordering some and decided to vent.