Internet Dating - The Chuckles, Rants, and Face Palms

Let me start off by saying that, aside from sociopaths, most everyone deserves to find their perfect mate.   But one begins to wonder what constitutes a perfect match for most of the women I've seen on dating sites.  (Yes, I'm picking on women again; it's that whole straight, don't date men thing.  The men will take their lumps in my next blog.)  Taken at face value, one begins to wonder if they should be living on their own.  

So, let's poke fun at internet dating profiles and such. Yes, this is a rant, with profanity and name calling and miles below my normal standard of writing.  But I had to get it out, people.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

Before I go any further, I'll admit that I find writing that initial email to a woman to be somewhat stressful.  I've already performed a criteria analysis, as outlined in my entry on Dating in Your 40's, and consider the intended recipient to be a potentially good match.  For me, there are very few women who even pass this first test.  Next comes actually writing a note that will engage the recipient in a way that points out some commonalities, expresses an interest in something they wrote, or in general, demonstrates that I've taken the time to read their profile.  But so many profiles are lacking in the content that allows me to accomplish any of those things.  Most of us are on the site to find a meaningful relationship, yet most people can't be bothered to actually share what they're about. 

So, what does one find on dating profiles?  Let's take a look!

On the 'no content' side, the sentiments I see most frequently are as follows.  Keep in mind that, in many cases, a profile will contain nothing what I've noted.  

 - 'Just ask.' - You've got nothing else on your profile.  How the fuck would I know what to even ask about?  Have you ever been to Scandinavia or neutered a hippo?  Do you swallow or have inverted nipples?

- 'I don't like to talk about myself' - Then I'm going to assume you're not worthy of being talked about.  

Seriously, unless you want endless emails from guys who just want to screw you, prove you're sentient!  

Moving along to the 'might as well be no content' list, we'll start with my two favorites, which are:
- 'I love the beach / water'
&
- 'I love to laugh' - Wow, so do I!  So does 99.9999% of the free world!  The same percentage that thinks being waterboarded wouldn't be fun, but no one mentions that in their profile.  Personally, I'd like to know if someone liked waterboarding more than if they liked to laugh.  As you can tell, this one in particular makes me crazy.

These two usually come in a combo package and I swear 80% of the dating profiles I've read contain them, frequently with nothing beyond them.  Ladies, those attributes don't make you unique or even give a clue about what you're like!  Seriously, if every woman's dating profiles are the same, can women really blame guys for choosing the women with the biggest racks?

- My kids are my life - Well, they damned well better be!  Again, you have to spell that out?  Just once, I'd like to read my two illegitimate kids are a major irritation, but at least both their daddies have started paying support, the deadbeats.

Next, we have negativity; so much negativity...
- These are the profiles that shout what the author doesn't want.  I've seen drama, men who are emotionally unavailable, cheat, lie, are players or serial daters, sociopaths, have issues with mental health, baby mommas, the law, and a few that I've forgotten.  

Listen genius, do you honestly think men who the above apply to are going to say Gee, I'm a sociopath, but she said she doesn't want one of those, so I'll move on.?  Do you even think men who fall into most of those categories know they fit in those categories?  News flash:  You're likely fucked up too, and I bet you haven't figured it out.  Do you think Ted Bundy would have passed most of his victims by if they'd specified they didn't want to be involved with a serial killer?

I get it, you've been burned before and no one enjoys that.  I've been the recipient of a scorched heart as well.  But the only thing you're accomplishing, by throwing all of that garbage in your profile is sounding like a bitter bitch.  I don't want to date a bitter bitch and I'm guessing neither do most men. 

As an honorable mention, I'll finish up with serious inquiries only.  Were you getting completely absurd and comedic inquiries?  Again, I've seen profiles with only those three words on them.  The best was when the woman couldn't even be bothered to take spelling seriously.  Her profile read Serious injuries only.  I don't want none of that sprained ankle shit; you come to me with some head trauma or amputation!

Of course, some rather talented women manage to work several of the above into a profile (and nothing else).  Here's what I don't want.  I love to laugh.  Anything else, just ask.

Over the past few years, I've been on Match, Plenty of Fish, and OkCupid.  Admittedly, the vast majority of the above offenders are on POF, which likely has to do with its cost to join, which is nothing.  It does seem to reflect its client base.  The really frustrating thing about POF is I rarely get responses from women on that site, but have regular interaction on the others.  God's honest truth, I've had the same woman ignore an email I sent on POF, then send me an unsolicited email on Match.  One of life's little mysteries.

One head scratcher that seems to only take place on POF is confusion over your level of education.  I've seen several profiles of women who have unskilled jobs like bus driver and a profile that a second grader could have written better, which there's nothing wrong with, if that's what you've got.  But these same women list themselves as having a graduate degree.  I guess the thought is I graduated, so I must have a graduate degree.

Ultimately, the wisdom I'd like to impart is read your profile, pretending someone else wrote it, and ask yourself whether you'd be interested in dating that person.

Before we move away from profiles, a quick word on photos.  Yes, you may have been absolutely stunning in the 90's, you out of work trophy wife, but it's not relevant to us who might date you now.  Put some current pictures up, for crying out loud.

Conversation
So, I've found a woman with a well-written profile and sent her a lovely note.  If she responds, I've found she's as likely as not to phone in the email conversation.  Seriously people, have you forgotten how to carry on a conversation, using basic communication skills?  In order to be successful and rewarding, a conversation requires both parties be engaged.  After sending a well written note to a woman, it's not uncommon to receive a sentence fragment in return, usually one that affords no opportunity to extend the conversation.  Examples include 'my day was good', in response to sharing an interesting event of the day and asking a few questions.  

Just today, I had a second email exchange with a woman; I'd sent her a note, last night, as above (events and follow up questions).  This morning, she responded with 'good morning'.  WTF?  Are you going to ignore the last note I sent you, altogether?  It went downhill from there and I broke it off.

And these are all educated women, who should know better!!!

When a woman reaches out first, more chances than not, you'll experience the final hair puller of this rant.  She'll send a note that's these three words and nothing else 
How are you?
Are you telling me that after reading my admittedly long profile, that you couldn't find anything to use as a conversation starter?  That's really all you have to say to get my attention?  I'll pat myself on the back for resisting the temptation to respond that It's a kickass day, because I'm finally off parole and the paternity tests came back negative.  That's what the bitch gets for giving me the clap.

In fact, I'm proud to say I've only trolled one unimaginative woman, who managed to catch me in a mood, one day.  The best an attorney could come up with was Any plans for the weekend?  I responded Yes.  That's what the bitch deserves for giving me the clap!

It goes without saying the blame for this decline in conversational skills stems from the proliferation of apps and the culture of text messaging.  You just can't build a genuine, engaging note on your phone.  Pick up your tablet or sit in front of your pc and show you're capable of more than two sentences worthy of a third grader!

At this point, I'll ask you, my readers, am I completely out of my mind for wanting to be engaged?  Is it unreasonable to not want to expend the time and effort to discover if a woman has something interesting to say?  Note, that there's still the minor matter of considering compatibility.  Perhaps I'm just not with the times and stuck in the past.  After all, these same women who can't be bothered to write a real email obviously meet other men and find success, because they come and go from these sites.  So, I ask my readers, what am I missing?

Finally, as I find new and even more neurotic profiles, I'll post screen shots.  Perhaps we can enjoy the profile of the week.