I dated while I was separated and only realized later how much of an emotional bull in a china shop I'd been. On the other side of the fence, I've dated separated women and received some of my deepest bruises from them. In fact, not one of the separated women I've dated has been remotely ready to engage in a relationship. Therefore, I have an ironclad rule to not date women who've not been divorced. Being not so bright, I recently violated that rule and paid the price...again.
With that out of the way, let's get to it. We'll begin by understanding what the separated person feels. Please note that while this entry tends to be centered on women, the most of the same commentary applies to men.
Failure
Your marriage is ending. It was the most important relationship in your life and you failed to keep it alive. You failed!!!! That's what your subconscious is screaming, over and over. Regardless of the circumstances that the marriage ended under, you still failed. Even if, realistically, there was nothing you could have done to save your marriage and the blame genuinely belongs at the feet of your spouse...You Failed!. The voice will continue to yell at you for quite awhile, whether you deserve it or not.
So, what's the first thing that many people want to do, once they're separated from their spouse? They want to prove they're capable of building a solid relationship. I'm not a failure!!! I'll show you!!! They want to prove their voice wrong and jump back into the dating pool. Wait a minute. You just crashed an F-14 and killed Goose. Yet, you want to jump right back in the cockpit? Do you think that's a good idea, Mav?
The Blame Game
Whether it be in business or our personal lives, when something goes horribly wrong, it's human nature to assign blame to the parties or things we believe to be at fault. If we're interested in not repeating the same mistakes, we dig a bit deeper to understand the 'why' in addition to the 'who'. And so it goes, as your mind attempts to determine why your marriage failed. With the exception of the truly reckless (of which there are many more than you'd want to believe), we all do this and we should. George Santayana was absolutely spot on when he wrote about those who ignore history repeating it. This is all well and good, right? It would be except that damned subconscious can continue to be a real bastard, telling you things that may not be true and potentially harmful.
We'll use a real world example to illustrate. I dated a woman (actually two, now that I think about it) whose husband repeatedly cheated on her. Blame and responsibility fall squarely on the scumbag husband for completely desecrating his marriage vows. She should be able to walk away as unscathed as one can in a divorce, right? That would be the case, except her subconscious said you must have done something to make him cheat. You weren't enough for him. You're too unattractive to excite a man. It's all your fault because you're a worthless person. If that weren't enough, this wonderful man constantly criticized and body shamed her. She told me she knew he was a jackass and ignored his jibes, but her behavior told me it had made a deep and lasting impression. I didn't realize how much she'd been damaged until after we broke up; her self-esteem had been demolished and she had abandonment issues in spades. I know what you're thinking: Wow, she must have been a basket case and kind of a loser. Except, you'd be wrong. She was an amazing woman, smart as hell, witty, incredibly attractive, very successful, and well respected by all who knew her, personally and professionally. When we were together, I often marveled at how I'd gotten so lucky to have her in my life. And I fell hard for her, for all the right reasons. Yet, she ended our relationship because she was afraid I had begun to see her flaws, 'knew' I was going to leave her, and believed I deserved someone much better than her.
As you can imagine, the outcome hurt us both terribly, but there was no convincing her that her perceived flaws were anything but. I did everything I could to save that relationship, but her mind wouldn't accept that I wasn't going to leave her. And she's not the first woman I've encountered with these sorts of issues; I've seen it time and again, including the woman who got physically ill over how kind I was to her.
Even if your situation is less dramatic than these examples, you've still been bumped and bruised more than you realize or care to admit to yourself. The simple act of your spouse leaving you speaks volumes to the back of your mind. I wasn't enough for him/her. Even if you left your spouse because they had neglected you, that voice is still saying you weren't worthy of the attention.
Even if your marriage sucked huge donkey appendages, it was likely consistent. You could count on your spouse acting a certain way, but more importantly, you could count on them being there. Suddenly, you're in the Sea of Unknown. Some people are explorers and embrace the unknown; they find it exciting. But, for most of the population, the unknown sucks. All the more reason to seek something stable.
Affecting my best Magnum PI voice, I know what you're thinking. I know I'm not ready for another relationship so soon, so I'll keep it casual. You know, just date for the fun of it and to take care of my social and sexual needs. Yeah, I've heard that exact phrase uttered more than once. Think about it. You've had this gaping hole in your life for how long and it's opened up to epic proportions, now that you've become separated. Once you find someone who you like, they'll become your knight in shining armor and you'll hold on to them for dear life. The desire for validation is incredibly strong, whether you admit it to yourself or not. Your casual relationship just became the great love of your life. That is right up to where he leaves because you're a basket case. Regardless of what you tell yourself, that need, that desire to be cared for again will leave your plans to be casual shattered in pieces on the floor, along with your heart.
In my experience, how long someone's been separated has little to do with how well they've dealt with the emotions. Time does not heal all wounds. In fact, time can make them worse. The one that tripped me in the past was the assertion it was over for a long time; we just recently made it formal. Yeah, it's not really over, if you're still living in the same house. Physically separating triggers your brain to say this shit's real. So, take my advice and find a solid therapist to work through the truckload of emotions that have been dumped on you, before you consider dating again.
The Divorce
Let's say you've done that. You've worked through the emotions and implemented coping skills going forward. As I'm always the bearer of bad news, I'll point out it ain't over yet. Now, you're in for the stress of the divorce process, itself, and all the feelings that come with it. When it comes to divorce, you won't find many where there isn't at least some rather unpleasant wrangling, whether it be financial, custody of the kids, or the house in Boca. You won't recognize your spouse because they'll pull nasty tricks you didn't think they had in them. Yes, divorce is the gift that keeps on giving and if you were fortunate enough to make yourself ready to date, I guarantee any relationship you may have begun will suffer through the divorce process. Admittedly, this challenge isn't a killer, but it sucks none the less.
The Chrysalis and Butterfly
There's one last phenomenon I've encountered that can negatively impact those who would date someone who's separated. That's what I refer to as the Reinvention. You've been married to someone for so long. You've had to give up your interests because your spouse didn't want to be a part of your journey. You couldn't explore the world, take part in satanic rituals, join the Peace Corps, and so on. But now you're free to do as you wish. Screw you, underprivileged kids in the third world, here I come! The drastic change can be motivated by just a desire to reinvent yourself. Or it could be done out of spite. It may be a minor life change; for example, I've seen more new body piercings and fresh tattoos on separated women than you can shake a stick at.
Timing can vary and may be constrained by the law in certain states, where you are prevented from certain types of life changes while separated. So, the reinvention might occur during the separation or after the divorce is final. As someone dating a separated person, you run the risk of suddenly dating a completely different person than who you thought you were.
Boomerang
The first potential pitfall that most people think of, when it comes to dating someone who's separated is the danger they'll go back to their spouse. For me, that's never been an issue; none of the separated women I've dated have waffled the slightest when it came to their desire for a divorce. That's why the first is the last, in this entry.
Minor Silver Lining
There is one potential positive about dating a separated woman. If her marriage was long and unsatisfying, there may very well be a few long held fantasies she's dying to finally live out. They can be kind of fun and allow you to be a complete god in the bedroom. No, you can't see the pictures.
Summary
For those who are separated, I'm not saying you absolutely shouldn't date, solely based upon your status. Rather, I think it's important to have a full grasp on your emotional well being, before you go charging out into the dating world. You've dealt with a major life change and by definition, it's impacted you a great deal; almost certainly more than you'll admit to yourself. Above all, be honest with yourself.
For those who might date someone who's separated, consider this. Unless you're a mental health guru, you won't spot the crucial signs that something's not right with this person you're dating until it's too late. Hell, you may not even spot it after things collapse. No matter how broken someone is they'll almost certainly be able to offer a plausible explanation for why they're not; often they're in complete denial. Conversely, you may very well encounter someone who's completely taken charge of their emotional health, in positive manner. Ultimately, you'll have to decide whether you can beat the odds or not. And to be clear, a divorce decree, in and of itself, is meaningless when it comes to low self-esteem, abandonment issues, fear or intimacy, etc. because there are an amazing amount of divorced people, who've never gotten desperately needed treatment.
With that, I wish all of my separated and divorced readers true happiness.
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