Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Dating Profile Of The Week for May 1, 2017
Lately, I've been remiss in sharing interesting dating profiles I've come across. I've been busy meeting the strange and freaky, as well as engaging in real life. While I've gathered a few profiles that are laughable (which I'll share at some point), this one popped up today and really struck a chord.
On Plenty of Fish, RVA5025 (Natalie) devotes a sizable chunk of her profile to demeaning other women who she sees as inferior to herself.
She writes:
I get that there are many women whose idea of "flirting" is texting naked and suggestive pictures to you. I get that a large percentage of women you've met will go home with you before knowing your last name, and if not on the first date, certainly by the second or third. This is not me.
That doesn't make me a prude or a woman who doesn't enjoy intimacy. That makes me a woman with self-respect and standards. I know that's rare these days...
I'm going full off the cuff on this one, kids, and remove what little filter I possess. The first thing I thought, when reading this was 'you stupid, judgmental, closed minded, ignorant bitch'. Seriously, you're looking down your nose at other women for something you obviously have zero clue about.
Women don't have sex with a guy on the first or second date because they lack self-respect or possess low standards. They do it because they want to be fucked! A woman can do that because she controls her body and has the power to do with it as she sees fit. When she has needs, she has the option to fuck whoever she wants and still look at herself in the mirror. I'm so sick of slut shaming by the ignorant.
She's not the first woman I've encountered with this same point of view. The kind who considers sex as a reward for sticking with them through a certain period of time. 'You're a good boy and have proven yourself worthy by tolerating me, despite how bitchy and humorless I am. You may put your penis inside me. But please take a shower first and don't even think of putting that thing near my mouth.' This attitude wasn't uncommon when I was in my 20's, but if a woman reaches her forties and nothing's changed, she's got some issues. I haven't encountered very many women in their forties who don't want sex a lot. In any case, you know damned well sex with this chick will be horrible.
A former fwb, who was a devout Muslim, had the same viewpoint, when it came to sleeping with men she was dating. She even came up with a points system to prevent sleeping with a guy too early. I told her that no matter what hurdles she put up, it didn't matter. Just because the guy stayed with you until he met the points quota doesn't mean he won't disappear the morning after he fucks you. Furthermore, some guys enjoy a challenge, meaning they'll stick it out, just to get what they want. Conversely, fucking a guy on the first or second date has almost no bearing on whether the relationship will last.
I'm done with my tirade now...
Friday, April 28, 2017
Dating - Expectations and Updates
When I wrote my entry on dating in your 40's, I thought I'd covered the topic fairly well. However, I recently had an experience that pushed what I considered an abnormal dating pitfall into the primary group.
I'd been emailing with a lovely woman, who seemed like a great catch. Educated, funny, very attractive, yada yada yada. We decided to chat on the phone and had an interesting and enjoyable conversation. The next day, she sent me an email that contained the following:
I must be honest though, I felt like I was talking to a long lost buddy, not someone I thought I might date. I'm not writing it off, I simply didn't fall asleep pondering the what ifs. I think that's what I was hoping for.
Wait, what???
While many have become jaded, everyone desires the fairy tale 'happily ever after', whether they'll openly admit it or not. Most of us who are dating have the desire to find a love that will last the rest of our lives. Some, both with and without some sort of mental health issues, tend to dive into a serious relationship more quickly than others. I've been guilty of doing so occasionally, in the past.
However, expecting to discover that perfect match / soulmate / love of your life in an initial phone call is just ludicrous for a host of reasons that I think are self-evident. Sorry, but I'm not feeling the need to sugar coat, today. There must be some insane level of magic that's gotta go down for that to happen! Personally, I've never experienced it nor have I ever encountered someone who claims it happened to them. One thing is for certain though; had someone told me they'd imagined the future with me, after the first phone call, Mo Farah would have looked like he was standing still compared to the speed I exhibited in running away.
She went on to conclude with: This may add to the reasons I am single.
Gee, ya think?
Before our phone conversation, she shared that the great love of her life was married to another woman. That somewhat set the stage for her expectations to be somewhat out of sync with reality. I'll save my thoughts on that situation for another post.
That brings us back to the beginning, where I mention omissions in my original dating entry. While I touched on unrealistic expectations, that section should probably be a bit more robust. If you revisit the blog, you'll see I explicitly state that those in the various segments should be avoided and a new one has been added.
Never Married / No Kids - Probably what will be the most controversial on the list, it belongs just the same. It's intentionally a two criteria segment because, while it may offend some readers, you haven't learned what true commitment is until you've had kids of your own. Marriage can teach commitment, but not always. Regardless, the women in this segment have made a commitment to neither marriage nor children. Because the reasons vary, ranging from unrealistic expectations, to chronic immaturity, to mental illness / fear of commitment / inability to love, and so on, it's not feasible to create the perfect picture of this woman. However, I've dated multiple women who fall into this category and, with only one exception, they've all been disasters.
In addition, it may be a good idea to revisit our own expectations, with respect to a potential partner, and ask ourselves whether they're reasonable, complete fantasy, or potentially harmful to our own well being.
With that, I wish you happy dating, friends!
Friday, March 24, 2017
On Being An Alpha Male
In another venue in which I blog, there has recently been a fair amount of discussion about Alpha males. The primary debate was around what traits an man must possess to be an Alpha. So, I decided to explore the topic a bit further and ask what it really means to be an Alpha and do women actually desire them?
The term 'Alpha male' is frequently misused and often carries a negative connotation in today's society. Today's man is supposed to be warm, caring, and in touch with his feelings. Can a man be all those things and still be an Alpha? In my opinion, the answer is an emphatic yes.
There are many articles on Alpha males floating around, each offering a different take on what makes one a true Alpha. The attributes and traits are endless and span across every aspect of life, from business to interaction with peers, to romantic relationships. For the sake of brevity and maintaining focus, this post will be about the Alpha within the context of a romantic relationship and a potential resulting family.
To best understand what an Alpha is, I think it's more helpful to begin with what an Alpha isn't. He is not the boss, dominating his significant other twenty four hours a day and telling her what to do. He is not in charge every waking moment. This sort of dynamic is reserved for D/s relationships and although a Dom, by definition, must be an Alpha, his taking charge goes several steps further.
Let's begin to fill in the traits that do make an Alpha male. These are qualities I think constitute an Alpha male, but I may have missed a few. Some of these might surprise you.
An Alpha male is:
- A Leader - This is the most elemental trait of an Alpha. He takes the reins and sets the direction of his life and relationship. To be clear, one doesn't need to be in charge to be a leader. However, if you're in charge, you'd better be a leader.
- Confident - An Alpha is secure and comfortable in his own skin. He has no doubt about his desirability to the opposite sex and there's no question in his mind that he's the best man for whatever task he sets his mind to.
- Decisive - When confronted with a tough choice, he doesn't hesitate. That doesn't mean he's reckless, rather that he'll quickly consider each option and make the right decision as opposed to being frozen by the challenge. The Alpha doesn't waffle.
- Calm under pressure - When things are collapsing at his feet, the Alpha male doesn't panic. He's the shoulder you know will be there to lean on, no matter what the circumstances. He doesn't raise his voice unnecessarily, so when he does, there's no doubt about the importance of what he's saying.
- Charismatic - The Alpha is an interesting guy that you want to be around. He draws you in with his insight and story telling.
- Protective - Do not mess with an Alpha's family or you may wind up in a situation where your life may be in question. Ask my stepdaughter's stalker, who was finally treated to a view up the barrel of a Glock.
- Smart - Regardless of his education, an Alpha soaks up information like a sponge and understands how to best apply it. He's a sharp guy who can easily tell if you're trying to get one past him.
- Ambitious - He's not complacent when it comes to his place in the world and is always seeking a way to improve his families lot in life.
- Dependable - When he commits to making something happen, you can forget about it. Whether it's taking out the trash or planning a vacation, if he says he'll do it, the job will be completed when necessary.
- Calculating - He hasn't figured just out the current challenge, he's considered three steps beyond it, as well as the various contingencies.
- The unquestioned master in the bedroom - This is one area where the Alpha is completely in charge. Whether he's tenderly making love to you or making you scream that your his dirty slut, he leaves no doubt that he owns his lover.
- Resilient - Even the Alpha male fails from time to time. But he doesn't sit around and mope about it. He's back on his feet before anyone noticed he took a spill.
- Fair - He understands that a healthy relationship means that his partner is just that, with an equal vote in how they run their lives.
- Able to say 'I'm sorry' - Being dominant doesn't mean being an asshat. He recognizes that it takes a stronger man to admit he's wrong and apologize, than force his mistake.
- A Supportive partner - He enables his partner to be the best she can and will take up the slack when her career dictates unusually long hours. The Alpha genuinely cares about those he loves and wants them to feel it. He's confident enough to eschew the spotlight to provide his partner what she needs.
Did the last three attributes surprise you? If you truly understand what it means to be a leader, their inclusion should make perfect sense. Very few people want to be bossed around and dominated every minute of the day. They desire the feeling of safety but still want to have their voices heard, to be treated as an equal. An Alpha male understands that.
Do women desire Alpha males over non-Alpha's? In a word, Yes!!!! The resounding message that I've heard from every woman I've chatted with on the topic is they want an Alpha male.
What makes women desire Alpha males? This really depends upon the woman. In the case of a woman who completely subscribes to traditional gender roles, the answer is self-evident. However, I've found that most women crave that sort of dynamic, to some degree, for reasons I've outlined before in this post.
At this point, you're saying I've dated some women who could be considered Alphas. Do they also crave Alpha males? Good question. At first glance, you would think that an Alpha woman would prefer a man who doesn't challenge her. Someone with whom she doesn't butt heads with constantly. But that's not the case at all. The desire isn't there because they want to be challenged so much as they want a partner who won't shy away, when they become domineering. My most rewarding relationship was with a woman Alpha. It worked because we respected the hell out of each other. There were things she had a stronger opinion and others that were important to me. Because we were both leaders, it allowed us to sort of pick and choose where each of us led. She never thought she'd want to be with another Alpha and was surprised by how much she enjoyed it. Apparently all of her previous significant others complained that she was too much of a ball buster and rather high maintenance. I found her to be anything but.
If we delve a bit deeper, we can gain more of an understanding as to the specific attributes women find appealing. We'll do this by discussing two Alpha traits that I've repeatedly been told men fall short on. I've heard women repeatedly complain about men being indecisive, with several using the exact same example. Any truly observant man must admit that it's mostly women who run the household on a daily basis. They're usually the one to deal with the kids, plan meals, and most everything else to keep the family afloat. Sometimes, they want their husband / significant other to take them out for dinner and they don't want to make yet another decision about where to go. When they ask him to choose, they'll receive a response of I don't know, what do you want? You can get away with that exchange once, but on the second go around, you'd better man up and pick a restaurant. That's a minor detail, you're saying. It might be to you, but I've lost count of how many times I've heard thank God you're able to make a decision! My ex-husband and every other guy I've dated couldn't do that simple thing for me and it drove me crazy! Even if he accidentally chose a place we wound up hating, we'd hate it together and still find a way to make it fun! Yeah, it's that important, guys.
In my opinion, that theme applies to almost every aspect of a relationship. The Alpha is considerate of what their partner wants and will defer to her desires (so long as they're within reason, obviously). However, in the absence of a strong opinion, he'll take the lead and make it happen, whether that be dinner, a vacation, or other things a couple does.
If you understand women at all, you know that sometimes, it's the little things that can mean so much. From what I've gathered, in speaking with various women, the restaurant challenge tends to be rather symbolic, more than substantive, but indicates a greater problem. The overall message being, I've given up on him being decisive on larger issues, but you'd think he could make one minor decision.
The other area women tell me men fall short is being dominant in the bedroom. It is the rare woman who doesn't want their man to own them in the bedroom, and only a true Alpha can do it. This and the reasons why, were covered in my blog celebrating sluts. But if a man is indecisive or meek everywhere else, he just can't sell being an Alpha in the bedroom, to the frustration of his partner.
At this point, I could offend a large chunk of my male readers and share that one of the other resounding messages I've heard from women is that pretty much every man in their relationship history couldn't pass muster as an Alpha. Or, I could explore valuable tools on how to ensure you're perceived as an Alpha, but how many men would read that? Hell, there's a guy sitting in his parents' basement, whose only ever been with a woman once yet he's confident he's a rock solid Alpha male. No, I've answered the two questions I'd posed at the outset of this entry, so I'll leave it there.
The term 'Alpha male' is frequently misused and often carries a negative connotation in today's society. Today's man is supposed to be warm, caring, and in touch with his feelings. Can a man be all those things and still be an Alpha? In my opinion, the answer is an emphatic yes.
There are many articles on Alpha males floating around, each offering a different take on what makes one a true Alpha. The attributes and traits are endless and span across every aspect of life, from business to interaction with peers, to romantic relationships. For the sake of brevity and maintaining focus, this post will be about the Alpha within the context of a romantic relationship and a potential resulting family.
To best understand what an Alpha is, I think it's more helpful to begin with what an Alpha isn't. He is not the boss, dominating his significant other twenty four hours a day and telling her what to do. He is not in charge every waking moment. This sort of dynamic is reserved for D/s relationships and although a Dom, by definition, must be an Alpha, his taking charge goes several steps further.
Let's begin to fill in the traits that do make an Alpha male. These are qualities I think constitute an Alpha male, but I may have missed a few. Some of these might surprise you.
An Alpha male is:
- A Leader - This is the most elemental trait of an Alpha. He takes the reins and sets the direction of his life and relationship. To be clear, one doesn't need to be in charge to be a leader. However, if you're in charge, you'd better be a leader.
- Confident - An Alpha is secure and comfortable in his own skin. He has no doubt about his desirability to the opposite sex and there's no question in his mind that he's the best man for whatever task he sets his mind to.
- Decisive - When confronted with a tough choice, he doesn't hesitate. That doesn't mean he's reckless, rather that he'll quickly consider each option and make the right decision as opposed to being frozen by the challenge. The Alpha doesn't waffle.
- Calm under pressure - When things are collapsing at his feet, the Alpha male doesn't panic. He's the shoulder you know will be there to lean on, no matter what the circumstances. He doesn't raise his voice unnecessarily, so when he does, there's no doubt about the importance of what he's saying.
- Charismatic - The Alpha is an interesting guy that you want to be around. He draws you in with his insight and story telling.
- Protective - Do not mess with an Alpha's family or you may wind up in a situation where your life may be in question. Ask my stepdaughter's stalker, who was finally treated to a view up the barrel of a Glock.
- Smart - Regardless of his education, an Alpha soaks up information like a sponge and understands how to best apply it. He's a sharp guy who can easily tell if you're trying to get one past him.
- Ambitious - He's not complacent when it comes to his place in the world and is always seeking a way to improve his families lot in life.
- Dependable - When he commits to making something happen, you can forget about it. Whether it's taking out the trash or planning a vacation, if he says he'll do it, the job will be completed when necessary.
- Calculating - He hasn't figured just out the current challenge, he's considered three steps beyond it, as well as the various contingencies.
- The unquestioned master in the bedroom - This is one area where the Alpha is completely in charge. Whether he's tenderly making love to you or making you scream that your his dirty slut, he leaves no doubt that he owns his lover.
- Resilient - Even the Alpha male fails from time to time. But he doesn't sit around and mope about it. He's back on his feet before anyone noticed he took a spill.
- Fair - He understands that a healthy relationship means that his partner is just that, with an equal vote in how they run their lives.
- Able to say 'I'm sorry' - Being dominant doesn't mean being an asshat. He recognizes that it takes a stronger man to admit he's wrong and apologize, than force his mistake.
- A Supportive partner - He enables his partner to be the best she can and will take up the slack when her career dictates unusually long hours. The Alpha genuinely cares about those he loves and wants them to feel it. He's confident enough to eschew the spotlight to provide his partner what she needs.
Did the last three attributes surprise you? If you truly understand what it means to be a leader, their inclusion should make perfect sense. Very few people want to be bossed around and dominated every minute of the day. They desire the feeling of safety but still want to have their voices heard, to be treated as an equal. An Alpha male understands that.
Do women desire Alpha males over non-Alpha's? In a word, Yes!!!! The resounding message that I've heard from every woman I've chatted with on the topic is they want an Alpha male.
What makes women desire Alpha males? This really depends upon the woman. In the case of a woman who completely subscribes to traditional gender roles, the answer is self-evident. However, I've found that most women crave that sort of dynamic, to some degree, for reasons I've outlined before in this post.
At this point, you're saying I've dated some women who could be considered Alphas. Do they also crave Alpha males? Good question. At first glance, you would think that an Alpha woman would prefer a man who doesn't challenge her. Someone with whom she doesn't butt heads with constantly. But that's not the case at all. The desire isn't there because they want to be challenged so much as they want a partner who won't shy away, when they become domineering. My most rewarding relationship was with a woman Alpha. It worked because we respected the hell out of each other. There were things she had a stronger opinion and others that were important to me. Because we were both leaders, it allowed us to sort of pick and choose where each of us led. She never thought she'd want to be with another Alpha and was surprised by how much she enjoyed it. Apparently all of her previous significant others complained that she was too much of a ball buster and rather high maintenance. I found her to be anything but.
If we delve a bit deeper, we can gain more of an understanding as to the specific attributes women find appealing. We'll do this by discussing two Alpha traits that I've repeatedly been told men fall short on. I've heard women repeatedly complain about men being indecisive, with several using the exact same example. Any truly observant man must admit that it's mostly women who run the household on a daily basis. They're usually the one to deal with the kids, plan meals, and most everything else to keep the family afloat. Sometimes, they want their husband / significant other to take them out for dinner and they don't want to make yet another decision about where to go. When they ask him to choose, they'll receive a response of I don't know, what do you want? You can get away with that exchange once, but on the second go around, you'd better man up and pick a restaurant. That's a minor detail, you're saying. It might be to you, but I've lost count of how many times I've heard thank God you're able to make a decision! My ex-husband and every other guy I've dated couldn't do that simple thing for me and it drove me crazy! Even if he accidentally chose a place we wound up hating, we'd hate it together and still find a way to make it fun! Yeah, it's that important, guys.
In my opinion, that theme applies to almost every aspect of a relationship. The Alpha is considerate of what their partner wants and will defer to her desires (so long as they're within reason, obviously). However, in the absence of a strong opinion, he'll take the lead and make it happen, whether that be dinner, a vacation, or other things a couple does.
If you understand women at all, you know that sometimes, it's the little things that can mean so much. From what I've gathered, in speaking with various women, the restaurant challenge tends to be rather symbolic, more than substantive, but indicates a greater problem. The overall message being, I've given up on him being decisive on larger issues, but you'd think he could make one minor decision.
The other area women tell me men fall short is being dominant in the bedroom. It is the rare woman who doesn't want their man to own them in the bedroom, and only a true Alpha can do it. This and the reasons why, were covered in my blog celebrating sluts. But if a man is indecisive or meek everywhere else, he just can't sell being an Alpha in the bedroom, to the frustration of his partner.
At this point, I could offend a large chunk of my male readers and share that one of the other resounding messages I've heard from women is that pretty much every man in their relationship history couldn't pass muster as an Alpha. Or, I could explore valuable tools on how to ensure you're perceived as an Alpha, but how many men would read that? Hell, there's a guy sitting in his parents' basement, whose only ever been with a woman once yet he's confident he's a rock solid Alpha male. No, I've answered the two questions I'd posed at the outset of this entry, so I'll leave it there.
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Of Alligators and Mental Illness
There was once a man who loved alligators. He loved them so much that he decided to keep one as a pet. He named it George and he loved George dearly. He gave George only the best alligator food and kept him well fed. He would spend hours talking to George lovingly, giving him massages, and bathing him. Every day, he told George how much he loved him and that they should be kind to each other. Then, one day, George wrapped his jaws around the man’s head and killed him. When the man reached St. Peter’s gates, he was in great conflict. Had he not loved George enough, that George mauled him? St. Peter looked at the man and said ‘What did you expect? It’s an alligator, you moron, and that’s what alligators do, they bite people!’
The moral of the story is that some creatures will behave in a certain way, because they’re hard wired to do so. There’s no logic and no amount of reasoning that will change that behavior.
At this point, I'm certain you're wondering what the hell this has to do with my normal blog content. This isn't Animal Planet, numb nuts!
The reason for sharing the story is because, like alligators, people can become hard wired for certain behavior. In both animals, that wiring exists for their own survival or to prevent them from being harmed. The behavior, in humans, is often learned (nurture over nature) and is usually the result of some sort of emotional trauma(s) in their lives. This behavior is often irrational and in many cases, self-destructive. However, it's just as predictable and unchanging as that of the alligator in our story.
And, just like the alligator in our story, you can't change their behavior / response, no matter what you do. You can point out their behavior as irrational, abnormal, and every other similar adjective under the sun, yet they will remain resolute in their reasons why what they did makes sense. Or they'll run away, if you've hit home with your argument. However, they'll almost never reverse course.
This is why I will often refer to women who exhibit certain irrational behavior as alligators. As always, I'll stipulate that men can also be alligators, but since I only date women, I can't speak to men's behavior.
Because I have the most experience with those suffering with abandonment issues, I'll use it an example. The quick and dirty is that as the name implies, those suffering from the condition have an irrational fear of being abandoned. This is often the result of some sort of abandonment they experienced. One of the women I dated, who had the the worst abandonment issues I've encountered (short of my borderline ex-wife), could all but serve as a textbook illustration of cause and effect. Through normal conversation, I discovered that her mother was mostly absent, during her childhood. She had been married twice; the first husband died of cancer and the second told her, out of the blue, that he no longer loved her and wanted a divorce. Three very important people in this woman's life had either neglected her or abandoned her. These experiences affected her behavior in the same way as other women I've met, suffering with abandonment issues. She tended to rush into new relationships, but only after attempting to push her new partner away (as a test to determine whether he represented a likely flight risk), and when she identified a man as a likely flight risk, she ran like hell.
And that's one of the behaviors you can count on from someone afflicted with abandonment issues. At the first sign you may be a flight risk (perceived or real), that person will disengage and run. I know this because I've been there. When the woman above pushed me away, I began to disengage, thinking she wasn't interested. Once that happened, I was banished. It was about that time, via subsequent communication, I discovered her abandonment issues.
As noted, you can't reason, debate, bribe, threaten, or argue your way back into their lives. Or, if you manage the remarkable, you'll be inexorably relegated to the friend zone. I've got first hand experience on this one.
One more quick example, comes from my borderline ex-wife (who I'll write about in greater detail soon). When I ended our marriage, I instantly became her sworn enemy. You see, borderline personality disorder is sort of abandonment issues on steroids squared. And to a borderline, abandoning them is a cardinal sin equal in magnitude to killing their kids. Actually worse. So, I knew she would try to punish me and throw every dirty trick, she could conjure, at me. Nothing she did surprised me and in some ways, my understanding helped, because I new it wasn't 'personal'. Likewise, I ran into traffic and ran late, on a run to collect some belongings. I knew this was a hot button for borderlines and therefore, I'd face her unadulterated wrath, which I did.
Some readers may wonder why so much of my blog revolves around mental illness and relationships with those suffering from it. First, I write about my experiences, and I've been involved with a number of women who suffer from mental illness. Also, abnormal behavior both fascinates and frustrates me. Some of the behavior exhibited, as the result of a mental disorder, can be maddening, when you're on the receiving end. As humans, we desire order and consistency. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and the sun rises in the East. But alligators may believe with every fiber of their being that the grass is purple and will attempt to convince you of that until their dying breath. You wind up sitting there, your mouth agape and eyebrows raised, trying to wrap your head around what they've just done. The worst case is that the irrational behavior has caused pain, because it came from someone you care about.
Now, when I refer to someone as an alligator, you'll understand the meaning behind it.
How many of you have been affected by an alligator?
The moral of the story is that some creatures will behave in a certain way, because they’re hard wired to do so. There’s no logic and no amount of reasoning that will change that behavior.
At this point, I'm certain you're wondering what the hell this has to do with my normal blog content. This isn't Animal Planet, numb nuts!
The reason for sharing the story is because, like alligators, people can become hard wired for certain behavior. In both animals, that wiring exists for their own survival or to prevent them from being harmed. The behavior, in humans, is often learned (nurture over nature) and is usually the result of some sort of emotional trauma(s) in their lives. This behavior is often irrational and in many cases, self-destructive. However, it's just as predictable and unchanging as that of the alligator in our story.
And, just like the alligator in our story, you can't change their behavior / response, no matter what you do. You can point out their behavior as irrational, abnormal, and every other similar adjective under the sun, yet they will remain resolute in their reasons why what they did makes sense. Or they'll run away, if you've hit home with your argument. However, they'll almost never reverse course.
This is why I will often refer to women who exhibit certain irrational behavior as alligators. As always, I'll stipulate that men can also be alligators, but since I only date women, I can't speak to men's behavior.
Because I have the most experience with those suffering with abandonment issues, I'll use it an example. The quick and dirty is that as the name implies, those suffering from the condition have an irrational fear of being abandoned. This is often the result of some sort of abandonment they experienced. One of the women I dated, who had the the worst abandonment issues I've encountered (short of my borderline ex-wife), could all but serve as a textbook illustration of cause and effect. Through normal conversation, I discovered that her mother was mostly absent, during her childhood. She had been married twice; the first husband died of cancer and the second told her, out of the blue, that he no longer loved her and wanted a divorce. Three very important people in this woman's life had either neglected her or abandoned her. These experiences affected her behavior in the same way as other women I've met, suffering with abandonment issues. She tended to rush into new relationships, but only after attempting to push her new partner away (as a test to determine whether he represented a likely flight risk), and when she identified a man as a likely flight risk, she ran like hell.
And that's one of the behaviors you can count on from someone afflicted with abandonment issues. At the first sign you may be a flight risk (perceived or real), that person will disengage and run. I know this because I've been there. When the woman above pushed me away, I began to disengage, thinking she wasn't interested. Once that happened, I was banished. It was about that time, via subsequent communication, I discovered her abandonment issues.
As noted, you can't reason, debate, bribe, threaten, or argue your way back into their lives. Or, if you manage the remarkable, you'll be inexorably relegated to the friend zone. I've got first hand experience on this one.
One more quick example, comes from my borderline ex-wife (who I'll write about in greater detail soon). When I ended our marriage, I instantly became her sworn enemy. You see, borderline personality disorder is sort of abandonment issues on steroids squared. And to a borderline, abandoning them is a cardinal sin equal in magnitude to killing their kids. Actually worse. So, I knew she would try to punish me and throw every dirty trick, she could conjure, at me. Nothing she did surprised me and in some ways, my understanding helped, because I new it wasn't 'personal'. Likewise, I ran into traffic and ran late, on a run to collect some belongings. I knew this was a hot button for borderlines and therefore, I'd face her unadulterated wrath, which I did.
Some readers may wonder why so much of my blog revolves around mental illness and relationships with those suffering from it. First, I write about my experiences, and I've been involved with a number of women who suffer from mental illness. Also, abnormal behavior both fascinates and frustrates me. Some of the behavior exhibited, as the result of a mental disorder, can be maddening, when you're on the receiving end. As humans, we desire order and consistency. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and the sun rises in the East. But alligators may believe with every fiber of their being that the grass is purple and will attempt to convince you of that until their dying breath. You wind up sitting there, your mouth agape and eyebrows raised, trying to wrap your head around what they've just done. The worst case is that the irrational behavior has caused pain, because it came from someone you care about.
Now, when I refer to someone as an alligator, you'll understand the meaning behind it.
How many of you have been affected by an alligator?
Asking For What You Need
In just the past couple of months, I've taken some harsh criticism for something I take very seriously, not being there to support someone I love. Both accusations came from women; they hurt but also, to be blunt, pissed me off. Why? Because, in both instances, I wasn't aware they needed my support until I was accused of neglecting them. And that's the theme of this blog.
If you want something, ask for it!
This goes for anything you may need someone you love to provide for you. Support, sex, a shoulder to cry on, dinner out, whatever. However, we're not talking about another Prada bag or giving up golf. You're on your own for those sorts of things.
Before I go any further, let's get it out in the open; it's pretty much the men who are guilty of falling short in relationships. We all know it so I won't couch this entry by saying it applies to both sexes; it doesn't.
People in general, and men in particular, can't be expected to read minds. Take asking for emotional support as an example. Men are typically brought up to not show emotion; it's seen as weakness. Therefore, we almost never ask for someone to 'be there' for us. We're just not wired to consider that as an option, so that need doesn't pop into our head. If your entire family gets eaten by a herd of hippos, but you're soldiering onward, wearing a brave face, we think you've got it under control. About the only time we'll know you need us is if you're bleeding out on the floor after a knife fight.
I'll say it again - If you need something from your partner or close friend, ask for it. I'm not, in any way, saying you don't deserve what you're asking for. And whatever it is may be supremely self-evident to you. But even the most thoughtful guy is going to miss certain things from time to time. And I'll speak for the male gender when I say we're happy to do things in order to support you. Your happiness is very important to us. So ask for what you need.
If you don't ask, then don't complain, because you have no right to.
He should have known about whatever it is he missed? Perhaps, but, for whatever reason, he didn't.
Silence is tacit acceptance of what you're receiving from those around you, regardless of whether you deserve what they're not giving you.
I'll use the two women I mentioned as examples. Those who've read my other posts will recognize both of them. We'll start with my recent friend dumper. It seems she was upset that I wasn't there for her during the holidays, which are a difficult time for reasons I won't share here. Honestly, I'd forgotten, because she's always been the master of soldiering on. I hadn't been around due to my own self-centered issues and tough time, but that's not important. When I reached out, post holidays, she gave me the silent treatment and continues to.
When a friend isn't there for you, but you need them, which is the better option?
a) Friend 1 - 'Hey, if you're around, I could use some company. This time of year is a bit rough for me.'
Friend 2 - 'Sure, when do you want me to come over? Should I bring cake?'
or
b) Silence, followed by being resentful and angry enough to cut ties with your best friend.
She indicated, on social media, that had I offered an apology, she'd have likely accepted it. That information was a bit tough to come by, since she'd completely cut me off. Should I have known to send an apology? Probably. I fucked up with her. But obviously, I didn't.
Again, choose the better option:
a) Friend 1 - 'You suck as a friend! You disappeared when I needed you. You know the holidays are tough for me.'
Friend 2 - 'Oh shit, I forgot about that. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. You deserve better from me.'
or
b) Friend 1 - Silence
The other person is the woman I was dating while I was ignoring former friend's needs for me to be there. She was going through a challenging phase of her divorce and it was weighing heavily on her. However, she was, wait for it, soldiering on. After we broke up, she complained that I wasn't there for her during that tough time.
In both cases, I'm obviously sympathetic to their situation. However, when it comes to my not being there, the blame doesn't fall solely on me. Unless she got the bargain unit, the silver thing friend dumper carries around not only receives phone calls and emails, but it also initiates outgoing messages. She should try it sometime; it's really awesome. With respect to the apology, had she asked, I would have offered one; she was my best friend and I loved her for it. But rather than ask for what she needed, both my time and an apology, she ended our friendship.
In the case of the other woman, I was in the same damned room with her, when she claims I wasn't there for her. Yes, I was busy making Christmas cookies, but she never gave so much as a hint she needed my shoulder. Yet she bitched just the same after the fact.
In both cases, their needs were clearly justified, reasonable, and well deserved. Yet when they didn't receive what they needed, they didn't ask.
I'll repeat this one more time: Had either of the two asked for me to support them, I would have dropped everything to provide that support, no questions asked.
Ultimately, we must take responsibility for our own needs, even if we're forced to rely on someone else to meet them. Don't allow yourself fall into the trap of becoming bitter over something you could have received had you simply asked.
If you want something, ask for it!
This goes for anything you may need someone you love to provide for you. Support, sex, a shoulder to cry on, dinner out, whatever. However, we're not talking about another Prada bag or giving up golf. You're on your own for those sorts of things.
Before I go any further, let's get it out in the open; it's pretty much the men who are guilty of falling short in relationships. We all know it so I won't couch this entry by saying it applies to both sexes; it doesn't.
People in general, and men in particular, can't be expected to read minds. Take asking for emotional support as an example. Men are typically brought up to not show emotion; it's seen as weakness. Therefore, we almost never ask for someone to 'be there' for us. We're just not wired to consider that as an option, so that need doesn't pop into our head. If your entire family gets eaten by a herd of hippos, but you're soldiering onward, wearing a brave face, we think you've got it under control. About the only time we'll know you need us is if you're bleeding out on the floor after a knife fight.
I'll say it again - If you need something from your partner or close friend, ask for it. I'm not, in any way, saying you don't deserve what you're asking for. And whatever it is may be supremely self-evident to you. But even the most thoughtful guy is going to miss certain things from time to time. And I'll speak for the male gender when I say we're happy to do things in order to support you. Your happiness is very important to us. So ask for what you need.
If you don't ask, then don't complain, because you have no right to.
He should have known about whatever it is he missed? Perhaps, but, for whatever reason, he didn't.
Silence is tacit acceptance of what you're receiving from those around you, regardless of whether you deserve what they're not giving you.
I'll use the two women I mentioned as examples. Those who've read my other posts will recognize both of them. We'll start with my recent friend dumper. It seems she was upset that I wasn't there for her during the holidays, which are a difficult time for reasons I won't share here. Honestly, I'd forgotten, because she's always been the master of soldiering on. I hadn't been around due to my own self-centered issues and tough time, but that's not important. When I reached out, post holidays, she gave me the silent treatment and continues to.
When a friend isn't there for you, but you need them, which is the better option?
a) Friend 1 - 'Hey, if you're around, I could use some company. This time of year is a bit rough for me.'
Friend 2 - 'Sure, when do you want me to come over? Should I bring cake?'
or
b) Silence, followed by being resentful and angry enough to cut ties with your best friend.
She indicated, on social media, that had I offered an apology, she'd have likely accepted it. That information was a bit tough to come by, since she'd completely cut me off. Should I have known to send an apology? Probably. I fucked up with her. But obviously, I didn't.
Again, choose the better option:
a) Friend 1 - 'You suck as a friend! You disappeared when I needed you. You know the holidays are tough for me.'
Friend 2 - 'Oh shit, I forgot about that. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. You deserve better from me.'
or
b) Friend 1 - Silence
The other person is the woman I was dating while I was ignoring former friend's needs for me to be there. She was going through a challenging phase of her divorce and it was weighing heavily on her. However, she was, wait for it, soldiering on. After we broke up, she complained that I wasn't there for her during that tough time.
In both cases, I'm obviously sympathetic to their situation. However, when it comes to my not being there, the blame doesn't fall solely on me. Unless she got the bargain unit, the silver thing friend dumper carries around not only receives phone calls and emails, but it also initiates outgoing messages. She should try it sometime; it's really awesome. With respect to the apology, had she asked, I would have offered one; she was my best friend and I loved her for it. But rather than ask for what she needed, both my time and an apology, she ended our friendship.
In the case of the other woman, I was in the same damned room with her, when she claims I wasn't there for her. Yes, I was busy making Christmas cookies, but she never gave so much as a hint she needed my shoulder. Yet she bitched just the same after the fact.
In both cases, their needs were clearly justified, reasonable, and well deserved. Yet when they didn't receive what they needed, they didn't ask.
I'll repeat this one more time: Had either of the two asked for me to support them, I would have dropped everything to provide that support, no questions asked.
Ultimately, we must take responsibility for our own needs, even if we're forced to rely on someone else to meet them. Don't allow yourself fall into the trap of becoming bitter over something you could have received had you simply asked.
Sunday, March 5, 2017
Socks
The most thought provoking, titillating topic of the day - socks. My question is why on God's green earth I can't buy a pack of blue socks where all three pair are identical???? But nooooo....you'll get three different pairs, including one you wouldn't wear to change to scoop out a septic tank, it's so ugly.
And you know damned well that one of those new socks will make a break for sock heaven, whether it be in the recesses of the dryer or behind a piece of furniture. But instead of having two pair left, with a reserve, you've got two pair and an orphan bastard of a sock that you'll have to put out of its misery.
I'd ask the question of who thought this was a good idea but I know the answer. The sock manufacturer! It's a win win for them. They move the ugly styles that the boss's son in law ordered. Plus, they know that smart guys like me will order two packs to ensure they have backups. Well, no more, I'm taking a footwear stand!
Oh, I do have more important things on my mind than socks but I just got done ordering some and decided to vent.
And you know damned well that one of those new socks will make a break for sock heaven, whether it be in the recesses of the dryer or behind a piece of furniture. But instead of having two pair left, with a reserve, you've got two pair and an orphan bastard of a sock that you'll have to put out of its misery.
I'd ask the question of who thought this was a good idea but I know the answer. The sock manufacturer! It's a win win for them. They move the ugly styles that the boss's son in law ordered. Plus, they know that smart guys like me will order two packs to ensure they have backups. Well, no more, I'm taking a footwear stand!
Oh, I do have more important things on my mind than socks but I just got done ordering some and decided to vent.
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
A Word to the Separated and Those Who Might Date Them
Between what I'm about to write and my entry on dating in your 40's, one might get the impression that I've got some sort of vendetta against separated people. Nothing could be further from the truth; I've got the t-shirt from when I went through it myself. I absolutely think that separated people deserve a break; they're going through the hell of their marriage ending. But that doesn't make them any more capable of a relationship than a Tasmanian devil is at styling your hair. In both instances, someone's probably gonna get hurt.
I dated while I was separated and only realized later how much of an emotional bull in a china shop I'd been. On the other side of the fence, I've dated separated women and received some of my deepest bruises from them. In fact, not one of the separated women I've dated has been remotely ready to engage in a relationship. Therefore, I have an ironclad rule to not date women who've not been divorced. Being not so bright, I recently violated that rule and paid the price...again.
With that out of the way, let's get to it. We'll begin by understanding what the separated person feels. Please note that while this entry tends to be centered on women, the most of the same commentary applies to men.
Failure
Your marriage is ending. It was the most important relationship in your life and you failed to keep it alive. You failed!!!! That's what your subconscious is screaming, over and over. Regardless of the circumstances that the marriage ended under, you still failed. Even if, realistically, there was nothing you could have done to save your marriage and the blame genuinely belongs at the feet of your spouse...You Failed!. The voice will continue to yell at you for quite awhile, whether you deserve it or not.
I know this because, in addition to asking various women I've dated and a few mental health professionals, I've been there myself. My now ex-wife had undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. If you know anything about the condition, you understand there was no way I could have saved my marriage. I knew it too, yet, the screaming was there. You failed!
So, what's the first thing that many people want to do, once they're separated from their spouse? They want to prove they're capable of building a solid relationship. I'm not a failure!!! I'll show you!!! They want to prove their voice wrong and jump back into the dating pool. Wait a minute. You just crashed an F-14 and killed Goose. Yet, you want to jump right back in the cockpit? Do you think that's a good idea, Mav?
The Blame Game
Whether it be in business or our personal lives, when something goes horribly wrong, it's human nature to assign blame to the parties or things we believe to be at fault. If we're interested in not repeating the same mistakes, we dig a bit deeper to understand the 'why' in addition to the 'who'. And so it goes, as your mind attempts to determine why your marriage failed. With the exception of the truly reckless (of which there are many more than you'd want to believe), we all do this and we should. George Santayana was absolutely spot on when he wrote about those who ignore history repeating it. This is all well and good, right? It would be except that damned subconscious can continue to be a real bastard, telling you things that may not be true and potentially harmful.
We'll use a real world example to illustrate. I dated a woman (actually two, now that I think about it) whose husband repeatedly cheated on her. Blame and responsibility fall squarely on the scumbag husband for completely desecrating his marriage vows. She should be able to walk away as unscathed as one can in a divorce, right? That would be the case, except her subconscious said you must have done something to make him cheat. You weren't enough for him. You're too unattractive to excite a man. It's all your fault because you're a worthless person. If that weren't enough, this wonderful man constantly criticized and body shamed her. She told me she knew he was a jackass and ignored his jibes, but her behavior told me it had made a deep and lasting impression. I didn't realize how much she'd been damaged until after we broke up; her self-esteem had been demolished and she had abandonment issues in spades. I know what you're thinking: Wow, she must have been a basket case and kind of a loser. Except, you'd be wrong. She was an amazing woman, smart as hell, witty, incredibly attractive, very successful, and well respected by all who knew her, personally and professionally. When we were together, I often marveled at how I'd gotten so lucky to have her in my life. And I fell hard for her, for all the right reasons. Yet, she ended our relationship because she was afraid I had begun to see her flaws, 'knew' I was going to leave her, and believed I deserved someone much better than her.
As you can imagine, the outcome hurt us both terribly, but there was no convincing her that her perceived flaws were anything but. I did everything I could to save that relationship, but her mind wouldn't accept that I wasn't going to leave her. And she's not the first woman I've encountered with these sorts of issues; I've seen it time and again, including the woman who got physically ill over how kind I was to her.
Even if your situation is less dramatic than these examples, you've still been bumped and bruised more than you realize or care to admit to yourself. The simple act of your spouse leaving you speaks volumes to the back of your mind. I wasn't enough for him/her. Even if you left your spouse because they had neglected you, that voice is still saying you weren't worthy of the attention.
Even if your marriage sucked huge donkey appendages, it was likely consistent. You could count on your spouse acting a certain way, but more importantly, you could count on them being there. Suddenly, you're in the Sea of Unknown. Some people are explorers and embrace the unknown; they find it exciting. But, for most of the population, the unknown sucks. All the more reason to seek something stable.
Affecting my best Magnum PI voice, I know what you're thinking. I know I'm not ready for another relationship so soon, so I'll keep it casual. You know, just date for the fun of it and to take care of my social and sexual needs. Yeah, I've heard that exact phrase uttered more than once. Think about it. You've had this gaping hole in your life for how long and it's opened up to epic proportions, now that you've become separated. Once you find someone who you like, they'll become your knight in shining armor and you'll hold on to them for dear life. The desire for validation is incredibly strong, whether you admit it to yourself or not. Your casual relationship just became the great love of your life. That is right up to where he leaves because you're a basket case. Regardless of what you tell yourself, that need, that desire to be cared for again will leave your plans to be casual shattered in pieces on the floor, along with your heart.
Does Time Heal?
In my experience, how long someone's been separated has little to do with how well they've dealt with the emotions. Time does not heal all wounds. In fact, time can make them worse. The one that tripped me in the past was the assertion it was over for a long time; we just recently made it formal. Yeah, it's not really over, if you're still living in the same house. Physically separating triggers your brain to say this shit's real. So, take my advice and find a solid therapist to work through the truckload of emotions that have been dumped on you, before you consider dating again.
The Divorce
Let's say you've done that. You've worked through the emotions and implemented coping skills going forward. As I'm always the bearer of bad news, I'll point out it ain't over yet. Now, you're in for the stress of the divorce process, itself, and all the feelings that come with it. When it comes to divorce, you won't find many where there isn't at least some rather unpleasant wrangling, whether it be financial, custody of the kids, or the house in Boca. You won't recognize your spouse because they'll pull nasty tricks you didn't think they had in them. Yes, divorce is the gift that keeps on giving and if you were fortunate enough to make yourself ready to date, I guarantee any relationship you may have begun will suffer through the divorce process. Admittedly, this challenge isn't a killer, but it sucks none the less.
The Chrysalis and Butterfly
There's one last phenomenon I've encountered that can negatively impact those who would date someone who's separated. That's what I refer to as the Reinvention. You've been married to someone for so long. You've had to give up your interests because your spouse didn't want to be a part of your journey. You couldn't explore the world, take part in satanic rituals, join the Peace Corps, and so on. But now you're free to do as you wish. Screw you, underprivileged kids in the third world, here I come! The drastic change can be motivated by just a desire to reinvent yourself. Or it could be done out of spite. It may be a minor life change; for example, I've seen more new body piercings and fresh tattoos on separated women than you can shake a stick at.
Timing can vary and may be constrained by the law in certain states, where you are prevented from certain types of life changes while separated. So, the reinvention might occur during the separation or after the divorce is final. As someone dating a separated person, you run the risk of suddenly dating a completely different person than who you thought you were.
Boomerang
The first potential pitfall that most people think of, when it comes to dating someone who's separated is the danger they'll go back to their spouse. For me, that's never been an issue; none of the separated women I've dated have waffled the slightest when it came to their desire for a divorce. That's why the first is the last, in this entry.
Minor Silver Lining
There is one potential positive about dating a separated woman. If her marriage was long and unsatisfying, there may very well be a few long held fantasies she's dying to finally live out. They can be kind of fun and allow you to be a complete god in the bedroom. No, you can't see the pictures.
Summary
For those who are separated, I'm not saying you absolutely shouldn't date, solely based upon your status. Rather, I think it's important to have a full grasp on your emotional well being, before you go charging out into the dating world. You've dealt with a major life change and by definition, it's impacted you a great deal; almost certainly more than you'll admit to yourself. Above all, be honest with yourself.
For those who might date someone who's separated, consider this. Unless you're a mental health guru, you won't spot the crucial signs that something's not right with this person you're dating until it's too late. Hell, you may not even spot it after things collapse. No matter how broken someone is they'll almost certainly be able to offer a plausible explanation for why they're not; often they're in complete denial. Conversely, you may very well encounter someone who's completely taken charge of their emotional health, in positive manner. Ultimately, you'll have to decide whether you can beat the odds or not. And to be clear, a divorce decree, in and of itself, is meaningless when it comes to low self-esteem, abandonment issues, fear or intimacy, etc. because there are an amazing amount of divorced people, who've never gotten desperately needed treatment.
With that, I wish all of my separated and divorced readers true happiness.
I dated while I was separated and only realized later how much of an emotional bull in a china shop I'd been. On the other side of the fence, I've dated separated women and received some of my deepest bruises from them. In fact, not one of the separated women I've dated has been remotely ready to engage in a relationship. Therefore, I have an ironclad rule to not date women who've not been divorced. Being not so bright, I recently violated that rule and paid the price...again.
With that out of the way, let's get to it. We'll begin by understanding what the separated person feels. Please note that while this entry tends to be centered on women, the most of the same commentary applies to men.
Failure
Your marriage is ending. It was the most important relationship in your life and you failed to keep it alive. You failed!!!! That's what your subconscious is screaming, over and over. Regardless of the circumstances that the marriage ended under, you still failed. Even if, realistically, there was nothing you could have done to save your marriage and the blame genuinely belongs at the feet of your spouse...You Failed!. The voice will continue to yell at you for quite awhile, whether you deserve it or not.
So, what's the first thing that many people want to do, once they're separated from their spouse? They want to prove they're capable of building a solid relationship. I'm not a failure!!! I'll show you!!! They want to prove their voice wrong and jump back into the dating pool. Wait a minute. You just crashed an F-14 and killed Goose. Yet, you want to jump right back in the cockpit? Do you think that's a good idea, Mav?
The Blame Game
Whether it be in business or our personal lives, when something goes horribly wrong, it's human nature to assign blame to the parties or things we believe to be at fault. If we're interested in not repeating the same mistakes, we dig a bit deeper to understand the 'why' in addition to the 'who'. And so it goes, as your mind attempts to determine why your marriage failed. With the exception of the truly reckless (of which there are many more than you'd want to believe), we all do this and we should. George Santayana was absolutely spot on when he wrote about those who ignore history repeating it. This is all well and good, right? It would be except that damned subconscious can continue to be a real bastard, telling you things that may not be true and potentially harmful.
We'll use a real world example to illustrate. I dated a woman (actually two, now that I think about it) whose husband repeatedly cheated on her. Blame and responsibility fall squarely on the scumbag husband for completely desecrating his marriage vows. She should be able to walk away as unscathed as one can in a divorce, right? That would be the case, except her subconscious said you must have done something to make him cheat. You weren't enough for him. You're too unattractive to excite a man. It's all your fault because you're a worthless person. If that weren't enough, this wonderful man constantly criticized and body shamed her. She told me she knew he was a jackass and ignored his jibes, but her behavior told me it had made a deep and lasting impression. I didn't realize how much she'd been damaged until after we broke up; her self-esteem had been demolished and she had abandonment issues in spades. I know what you're thinking: Wow, she must have been a basket case and kind of a loser. Except, you'd be wrong. She was an amazing woman, smart as hell, witty, incredibly attractive, very successful, and well respected by all who knew her, personally and professionally. When we were together, I often marveled at how I'd gotten so lucky to have her in my life. And I fell hard for her, for all the right reasons. Yet, she ended our relationship because she was afraid I had begun to see her flaws, 'knew' I was going to leave her, and believed I deserved someone much better than her.
As you can imagine, the outcome hurt us both terribly, but there was no convincing her that her perceived flaws were anything but. I did everything I could to save that relationship, but her mind wouldn't accept that I wasn't going to leave her. And she's not the first woman I've encountered with these sorts of issues; I've seen it time and again, including the woman who got physically ill over how kind I was to her.
Even if your situation is less dramatic than these examples, you've still been bumped and bruised more than you realize or care to admit to yourself. The simple act of your spouse leaving you speaks volumes to the back of your mind. I wasn't enough for him/her. Even if you left your spouse because they had neglected you, that voice is still saying you weren't worthy of the attention.
Even if your marriage sucked huge donkey appendages, it was likely consistent. You could count on your spouse acting a certain way, but more importantly, you could count on them being there. Suddenly, you're in the Sea of Unknown. Some people are explorers and embrace the unknown; they find it exciting. But, for most of the population, the unknown sucks. All the more reason to seek something stable.
Affecting my best Magnum PI voice, I know what you're thinking. I know I'm not ready for another relationship so soon, so I'll keep it casual. You know, just date for the fun of it and to take care of my social and sexual needs. Yeah, I've heard that exact phrase uttered more than once. Think about it. You've had this gaping hole in your life for how long and it's opened up to epic proportions, now that you've become separated. Once you find someone who you like, they'll become your knight in shining armor and you'll hold on to them for dear life. The desire for validation is incredibly strong, whether you admit it to yourself or not. Your casual relationship just became the great love of your life. That is right up to where he leaves because you're a basket case. Regardless of what you tell yourself, that need, that desire to be cared for again will leave your plans to be casual shattered in pieces on the floor, along with your heart.
In my experience, how long someone's been separated has little to do with how well they've dealt with the emotions. Time does not heal all wounds. In fact, time can make them worse. The one that tripped me in the past was the assertion it was over for a long time; we just recently made it formal. Yeah, it's not really over, if you're still living in the same house. Physically separating triggers your brain to say this shit's real. So, take my advice and find a solid therapist to work through the truckload of emotions that have been dumped on you, before you consider dating again.
The Divorce
Let's say you've done that. You've worked through the emotions and implemented coping skills going forward. As I'm always the bearer of bad news, I'll point out it ain't over yet. Now, you're in for the stress of the divorce process, itself, and all the feelings that come with it. When it comes to divorce, you won't find many where there isn't at least some rather unpleasant wrangling, whether it be financial, custody of the kids, or the house in Boca. You won't recognize your spouse because they'll pull nasty tricks you didn't think they had in them. Yes, divorce is the gift that keeps on giving and if you were fortunate enough to make yourself ready to date, I guarantee any relationship you may have begun will suffer through the divorce process. Admittedly, this challenge isn't a killer, but it sucks none the less.
The Chrysalis and Butterfly
There's one last phenomenon I've encountered that can negatively impact those who would date someone who's separated. That's what I refer to as the Reinvention. You've been married to someone for so long. You've had to give up your interests because your spouse didn't want to be a part of your journey. You couldn't explore the world, take part in satanic rituals, join the Peace Corps, and so on. But now you're free to do as you wish. Screw you, underprivileged kids in the third world, here I come! The drastic change can be motivated by just a desire to reinvent yourself. Or it could be done out of spite. It may be a minor life change; for example, I've seen more new body piercings and fresh tattoos on separated women than you can shake a stick at.
Timing can vary and may be constrained by the law in certain states, where you are prevented from certain types of life changes while separated. So, the reinvention might occur during the separation or after the divorce is final. As someone dating a separated person, you run the risk of suddenly dating a completely different person than who you thought you were.
Boomerang
The first potential pitfall that most people think of, when it comes to dating someone who's separated is the danger they'll go back to their spouse. For me, that's never been an issue; none of the separated women I've dated have waffled the slightest when it came to their desire for a divorce. That's why the first is the last, in this entry.
Minor Silver Lining
There is one potential positive about dating a separated woman. If her marriage was long and unsatisfying, there may very well be a few long held fantasies she's dying to finally live out. They can be kind of fun and allow you to be a complete god in the bedroom. No, you can't see the pictures.
Summary
For those who are separated, I'm not saying you absolutely shouldn't date, solely based upon your status. Rather, I think it's important to have a full grasp on your emotional well being, before you go charging out into the dating world. You've dealt with a major life change and by definition, it's impacted you a great deal; almost certainly more than you'll admit to yourself. Above all, be honest with yourself.
For those who might date someone who's separated, consider this. Unless you're a mental health guru, you won't spot the crucial signs that something's not right with this person you're dating until it's too late. Hell, you may not even spot it after things collapse. No matter how broken someone is they'll almost certainly be able to offer a plausible explanation for why they're not; often they're in complete denial. Conversely, you may very well encounter someone who's completely taken charge of their emotional health, in positive manner. Ultimately, you'll have to decide whether you can beat the odds or not. And to be clear, a divorce decree, in and of itself, is meaningless when it comes to low self-esteem, abandonment issues, fear or intimacy, etc. because there are an amazing amount of divorced people, who've never gotten desperately needed treatment.
With that, I wish all of my separated and divorced readers true happiness.
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