The Lost Weekend

What follows is a true story of a hot weekend of debauchery.  I wrote this a few years ago, and published it in another location but thought it might be time to repost it here.  Hope you enjoy.

Regardless of whether you remember the night before or not, you can generally get a read on how good it was by examining your surroundings when you wake up.  With empty wine glasses/bottles, lingerie, and a digital camera scattered around my bedroom, it must have been pretty darned good.  Of course, the dead giveaway of how great the night had been was the gorgeous blonde sleeping next to me. This was the culmination of three days of almost non-stop debauchery that I’ve come to refer to as ‘The Lost Weekend’.

The aforementioned blonde occupying the other side of my bed was named Amber; gorgeous, petite, and about a dozen years my junior.  I had met her a week before and things had gotten very hot, very quickly. There were a few things that I noticed about Amber early on; she loved her own reflection and she was a drama queen. Having been around the block a few times, I knew these attributes would make for some memorable moments in the bedroom and I wasn’t wrong.

Early on, as Amber and I got to know one another, the topic of sex inevitably came up. Amber shared her desire to be treated like my dirty little whore, complete with spanking and hair pulling.  Sign me up, I told her.

The first evening of The Lost Weekend was also the first time she and I were intimate. The sexual tension had built to a fever pitch in the preceding week so we both considered a night of passion a ‘done deal’. After eating the dinner I prepared, we sat down in my living room with some wine. Small talk quickly gave way to kissing. The romantic soft kisses didn’t last long and quickly became more urgent, with our tongues seemingly locked in a battle to the death. I slowly brought my left hand down and brushed the back of it across her breast. One of the most erotic things for me is when a woman’s breath catches and Amber’s did that in response to my touch. My exploration of her breasts became more aggressive as my lips trailed their way down to her neck, exploring, cupping, groping. Feeling like a teenager, I reached up under her top, undid her bra and released her breasts. Fondling at first, flicking my thumb across each nipple. Then I began rolling her nipples between my thumb and forefinger. Remembering what she’d told me, I became a little rougher with my touch, pinching her erect nipples harder and harder. She communicated her appreciation with a series of whimpers.

After a few more moments of playing with her breasts, I slid my hand down and onto her thigh. She responded with a receptive sigh. Sliding my hand around the outer side, slowly moving to the top. Then I slid my hand down to her inner thigh and slowly stroked back and forth, each pass moving further up than the other. Past her stockings, under her skirt. At that point, all pretenses were gone as she threw her legs open to allow my touch. I could taste the anticipation in her kiss. Lightly brushing my fingers across the front of her soaking wet satin panties, another catch, this time with a little shiver. Her hips began to rotate forward, attempting to force my hand into her.  More pressure. I began working little circles with my fingers across her panties. Her breathing continued to deepen and become more ragged in response to what I was doing with my lips and hands. She began to moan softly into my mouth while holding onto me for dear life. Finally, she whispered in my ear ‘I need you inside me’. I asked her if she still wanted to be my dirty little whore and she breathed ‘oh God, yes’. I took her hand and led her to my bedroom.

Inside the bedroom, I finished the job of removing her clothes and set about granting her wish.  Grabbing her shoulders, I pushed her down to her knees and told her to suck my cock like a good little slut. She responded with a submissive ‘yes sir’, unzipped my pants, and pulled out my hard cock. Wrapping her hand around me, she began by kissing my engorged head, licking the shaft, eventually taking all of me in her mouth. I decided a true slut would want all of me in her mouth so I grabbed her head and began fucking her mouth, shoving it all the way in and down her throat. She began to gag and cough so I asked her if I should stop. She responded ‘no, this is what sluts do for their man’. I told her she was a good little whore and that she sucked my cock so well, that she must have sucked a lot of other cocks to get this good. After another few minutes of devouring me, she looked up and said ‘please fuck me, sir….I need your cock inside me.’

I pushed her onto the bed and lowered myself on top of her. Making her tell me one more time how much she wanted me inside her. I put my arms around her and slowly lowered myself, my cock just beginning to penetrate her now dripping pussy. I looked her in the eyes and asked ‘is this what you want, slut?’

‘Yes, sir. Please give it to me.’

With that, I drove my cock all the way into her. I started with slow thrusts and she began to moan in response. I would speed up from time to time until I could feel her just begin to tighten up and her breathing stop. Then I’d back off just a bit, withholding her release.  After about ten minutes of keeping her on edge, I could sense her frustration and asked her if she wanted to cum. She responded with a feeble ‘yes’ to which I replied ‘Tell me what you want. Do you want me to make your pussy cum? Is that what you want? To cum like a dirty whore?’

‘Oh God yes! Please fuck me and make me cum. I’m a dirty little slut and need to get off.’

I began to increase the speed and intensity of my thrusts. Her body responded immediately and I could tell she was moments away from an orgasm. I looked at her again and asked ‘are you gonna cum for me?’

‘Yes, I’m so close.’

‘Then cum all over my hard cock. Show me how good I’m fucking you. I want you to scream like the cheap whore you are. Cum for me, Amber.’

That was all it took to trigger her massive orgasm. She started screaming that she was cumming but I already knew because her pussy gripped my cock more tightly.  Her body thrashed under mine as her orgasm ripped through her; she continued to scream as I fucked her harder. When I didn’t stop thrusting my cock into her, I could tell she wasn’t quite sure what to do. When I sensed her apprehension, I looked at her again and told her I was fucking her pussy until I was done with it. ‘Isn’t that what whores want? To be used and fucked by a hard cock over and over?’ As expected, this triggered another orgasm for her. I could tell it was even more intense by the way she was clawing at my back and drenching my cock. I didn’t need to order her to scream this time because she did it on her own. After her orgasm had subsided, I gave us both a short break.

Once properly rested, I told her to get on top of me so I could watch her hips rotate on my cock.

‘Put my cock where you want it, dirty girl. I want to see you fuck it and get yourself off like a good slut.’

She climbed on my cock and began moving her hips, looking for it to touch her the way she wanted. I moved my head up and gently licked her left nipple which increased her quiet moans a bit. When I stopped, she looked at me and said ‘suck my tits. Put them in your mouth. I want you to bite them so I can watch.’

I did as she asked and after a few more minutes, she announced that she was going to cum again. I truly enjoyed watching her face contort as she orgasmed. Before that one completely subsided, I grabbed her hips and roughly pulled her down on my cock as far as I could, driving me deep inside her. Again, she looked a bit panicked but I continued to work her hips on my cock. It was then she started to moan like a good little slut. I looked up at her and said ‘is this what you needed? Fucked by someone who knows how to treat a slut like you?’

‘Fuck yes! I love the way you fuck me like a whore! Keep fucking me…please! I want to cum again.’

‘Do you want me to make you cum? You want to get off and scream like a dirty slut again?’

‘Oh fuck yes! I’m your dirty little whore, sir. Fuck me however you want. Play with my tits.’

‘No, I want to watch you play with them. Pinch your nipples nice and hard for me. My dirty girl needs to feel some pain to cum.’

From her hesitation, I could tell she’d never touched herself in front of anyone before. I told her again to play with her tits, ensuring she knew it was not a request.

Those next few moments were amazing to watch. As I began to fuck her from underneath, she started to caress her breasts, pinch her nipples, harder, harder…. And then she completely let herself go, no longer caring about having any control, reveling in being my dirty little whore. Riding my cock with complete abandon, nothing being held back, a look of pure euphoria in her eyes.
It didn’t take long for another orgasm to rip through her but I didn’t allow her to take a break. I maintained my grip on her beautiful hips and worked her on my cock. She screamed as another orgasm ripped through her. Spurring her on with more talk of how good of a fuck toy she was, she came again, this time, digging her nails into my chest. I released her hips and she collapsed on top of me, her breath remained ragged as she recovered from my efforts. After a few minutes, she picked her head up, looked at me, and said ‘no one has ever fucked me like that before. I can’t believe how many times you made me cum!’
I gazed deep into her eyes and responded ‘and I’m nowhere near done.’

After another short break, for more wine and a snack, the heat between the two of us began to build again. We were nowhere near being done with one another on that first night. While the heat was intensifying, she reached down and wrapped her hand around my shaft, a small moan escaping as she stroked it. I asked her if she wanted it inside her again. As she leaned in so her lips were all but touching my ear, I heard ‘mmm,hmm’.

I told her to bend over on her hands and knees, that I was going to take her from behind. Positioning myself, I gazed down appreciatively at her perfect, tight, young ass. Moving forward, as I penetrated her once again, she moaned in appreciation. Starting with slow movements, I gradually began picking up both my speed and intensity, grabbing her hips so she could feel me deep inside her. She began to moan more loudly as I fucked her harder. Remembering what she had told me earlier, I raised my right hand and slapped her ass. Her breath caught from both the surprise and pain. I told her she was a dirty girl who needed a spanking and proceeded to slap her ass a few more times, each swat being progressively harder than the one before.

“Do you like that?” I asked.
She half panted, “Yes, I deserve to be treated like the slut I am.”

“You like having a hard cock fucking you and your ass spanked, don’t you?”

At that point, she didn’t respond; I knew from the way she was moaning that she was going to cum soon.

“God, you’re such a whore. Taking a hard cock from behind and being spanked like a slut. Are you going to cum for me? Cum all over my cock, like the whore you are.”

At that moment, her walls tightened up, gripping my cock like a vise, and I knew she was cumming.
She began to moan loudly as her orgasm ripped through her. I said ‘that’s it, scream like a whore for me. I want to hear how good my cock makes you cum.’

She continued to moan even louder and her hips made sharp, involuntary jerks as her orgasm peaked and began to subside. Without giving her any time to recover, I began to fuck her again, this time pounding her right off the bat. I continued to spank her ass, then reached up and gathered a handful of her long blonde hair. I began pulling on it, as she had asked me to do early on. I asked her if she liked having her hair pulled, like a dirty slut. In between short moans and pants, she breathed ‘harder’. I pulled harder, harder, harder. The sounds she made as I fucked her hard from behind and pulled her hair alternated between whimpers of pain and moans of pleasure. I knew she couldn’t keep this up for long and, sure enough, I could feel her begin to grip me tighter. As she came, I once again, told her how much of a dirty whore she was. The more I told her how good of a slut she was, the louder she moaned.

During this interlude, I felt an almost involuntary transition in both of us. Watching this young girl seemingly become more aroused the more I dominated and degraded her raised my lust to the point where I truly became her ‘owner’. Likewise, I felt that she had reached a level of trust with me to allow that dynamic.

This led to me looking at her and saying ‘you’re going to prove you’re completely my slut; I want your ass. You need to feel me everywhere.’

I have to admit to surprising myself with that statement.  Anal sex tends to be something discussed, and agreed upon, by both parties (mainly the woman) before it takes place. I’ve had partners who ranged from ‘no way, no how’ to ‘if you get me drunk enough’ to ‘stick it wherever it’ll fit’. While I assumed a role in the bedroom, I’m still a gentleman and would have stopped at any point she told me to.

Anyway, she looked at me with panic in her eyes.

‘I’ve….never done that.’

Okay, here’s the line that she’s going to draw….

‘You need to go very slowly…..’

Even though my cock was drenched from Amber cumming all over it, I decided that a copious amount of lube was in order. Applying it to all the necessary areas, I began to slowly push myself against her tight hole. I could tell she was still tense so I talked to her in an attempt to relax her. Slowly, could feel her relaxing and I began to probe a bit further. Finally, the head of my cock slid past her ring; that’s where I held it for a moment, asking if she was okay. Eventually, I slid my cock deeper to which she responded with a few whimpers. I continued to talk to her, saying how hot it was and how good of a dirty girl she was being.

As my cock hit bottom, she turned around and said ‘Oh my god, you’re in my….ass.’

I said ‘yes, it’s my cock that’s in your ass’.
I began to fuck her slowly at first.

‘Fuck baby, your ass feels so good around my cock. Thank you for giving it to me.’

We settled into a rhythm as I fucked her tight ass, watching my cock disappear with each thrust.
Eventually, I realized she wasn’t getting as much pleasure out of things as I was, so I told her to reach down and touch herself. ‘Show me how much of a dirty girl you are. Finger your pussy while I fuck your ass.’
She played with her clit a bit and began to moan softly.

‘Put your finger inside your pussy baby.’

Following my orders, she slid a finger inside and immediately gasped ‘god, I can feel your cock from my pussy. Oh fuck, every time you thrust it shoves my finger against my g-spot.’

‘Stick another finger in.’

Amber obeyed and gasped again. ‘Oh fuck, I feel so full. This feels amazing! Keep fucking me baby.’

‘Good girl, Amber. You like feeling full, don’t you? I bet you’d like to have two cocks inside you.’

‘Unnhhhf’ was all that came out of her mouth.

‘One hard cock in your pussy and one in your ass. You want two cocks, slut? You want to be a fucking whore with two cocks in you? Maybe another one in your mouth?’

That was all it took to trigger her to a massive orgasm.

It took all I had to hold onto her as she thrashed in front of me screaming, ‘Oh fuck I’m cumming!! Owwweeeww!!!!’

Finally, I decided it was my turn and said ‘I’m going to cum inside you. Shoot my load deep in your ass so you know who it belongs too. Oh fuck….’

My cumming seemed to trigger a smaller, second orgasm for Amber. She thrashed a bit more and then collapsed on the bed, where she stayed until the next morning.

The next morning, after I made her breakfast, was spent in various states of messing around with one another. Eventually, our conversation migrated toward what events were planned for the evening. I told her it would be such a turn on to see her in a hot and slutty outfit for that night’s festivities. She responded enthusiastically by saying ‘I want you to dress me up the way you want; I want to turn you on’.

She was standing against the bed, facing away from me at the time; probably putting something away. In any case, I walked up behind her and whispered in her ear that she turned me on all the time. Not being able to resist a beautiful neck, I began to kiss hers, reaching around to cup her breasts from behind.

Her breathing began to quicken and after a few minutes, she abruptly pulled away from me and said ‘fuck me like a slut’. With that, she unbuttoned her jeans and pulled moved them down around her knees, bringing her panties with them. I brought myself forward and shoved my hard cock inside her already wet pussy. This was no time for tenderness or romance, she wanted to be fucked like a whore so I did. I grabbed her hips and fucked her hard and deep. I looked down at my cock disappearing inside her and then smacked her ass quite hard, receiving a response something between a whimper and a scream.

‘You want to be a dirty little slut, I’ll fuck you like one.  You need to have a hard cock in you all the time, don’t you?’

‘Yes, sir…..’

‘Do you like that hard cock fucking you?’

‘Yessss, sir……’

‘Good, I like fucking your slutty pussy….deep, hard….it’s my pussy now, isn’t it?’

‘Fuck yes, it’s your pussy to fuck whenever you want. Please pull my hair…’

Reaching up, I gathered up a handful of her long blonde hair and pulled.

‘Harder; pull my hair harder!’

I pulled her hair harder and harder as she whimpered and moaned.

‘Is that what you want, you fucking whore?’

‘Oh god yes….fuck me baby.’

Her moaning became louder and I could feel her start to tense up under the brutal fucking and abuse.

‘Are you going to cum for me?’

‘Yes sir…..’

‘That’s what you wanted…my dirty slut wanted to get off and cum all over my cock.’

‘Ohhhhh…..fuck’

‘That’s it slut, fucking cum all over my cock!’

With that, she let out a loud moan and screamed that she was cumming. That was all it took for me to cum, blowing a massive load in her battered pussy.

After pulling ourselves back together, we left for lunch and some shopping. Both of us were excited about the purchases we’d made that afternoon. Rather than wasting valuable debauchery time on going out, I made dinner for us. Of course, dinner conversation tended to lean toward what we were going to do to each other later. Knowing how enamored Amber was with herself, I asked her if it would turn her on to make love in front of the huge mirrors in my master bath. Would it turn her on to watch herself being fucked, seeing her face while I was inside her. She thought that was a great idea and told me she'd never watched herself being fucked before.  So I kept that in mind when I set up later (candles, etc.).

Dinner was followed by some light chatting on my sofa and was accompanied by more wine. After it became clear that we were both interested in ‘getting things underway’ I asked if she wanted to go slip into the things I’d bought her that afternoon. She readily agreed and headed off to the bedroom to change.

About ten minutes later, Amber emerged and looked amazing. I’m pretty sure my jaw physically dropped at the vision in front of me; a gorgeous young blonde wearing a silky black negligee, a matching thong, black thigh high stockings, and a pair of stilettos of ‘I’m a dirty slut’ height. I asked her to do a spin for me, so I could take all of her in.

‘You look amazing, baby!’

‘I really like the outfit. Thank you so much!’

I noticed she was a bit flushed and asked her ‘Does the outfit turn you on?’

‘Mmmhmmm’

‘You took awhile to change; were you looking in the mirror and touching yourself?’

Looking at the floor, she sheepishly admitted that she had been.

‘I don’t blame you, baby. I want you to show me how you were touching yourself.’

That panicked look returned to her face.  She still wasn’t comfortable masturbating in front of someone else. So, I decided that she needed some guidance. I looked her in the eyes and, very firmly, said ‘show me’. The way I said it made it clear it wasn’t a request. Slowly, she moved a hand up and began to cup her breast, sliding the silk across her nipples. They instantly became erect and poked at the black silk.

‘Good girl; that’s so hot, baby.’

She slowly moved her other hand down, across her silk covered belly, and into her thong. She gasped a bit when her fingers made contact with her clit. I kept encouraging her, saying how beautiful she was and how hot she was making me. After a few minutes, her self-consciousness gave way to pleasure. She was pawing at her tits and whimpering every time her fingers strummed across her clit.

‘I need to have you inside me soon, baby’

‘Come over and prove how much you want my cock. Show how you love it.’

Without hesitation, she walked over to where I was sitting and roughly unbuttoned / unzipped my pants. I stood up so she could pull them down, then returned to my seated position. She lunged forward and instantly devoured my cock. She sucked it like she had something to prove; that she was worthy of having it inside her. Normally, I would have toyed with her a bit before giving her what she wanted but I was so turned on that I couldn’t wait to fuck this beauty in front of me.

‘Do you want to ride this cock right here?’

‘Mmmhmmf’ she muttered, still sucking for all she was worth.

‘The get up here and fuck it if that’s what you want.’

She stood up, turned around, and I began guiding her onto my rock hard shaft. With as wet and in lust as she was, she didn’t bother working up to anything. She simply dropped herself into my lap, impaling herself. She began moaning immediately, as she worked herself up and down on my pole. I loved seeing her ass moving around on my lap. I reached out and began pawing her tits from behind, using the leverage to drive myself as deep as possible. It didn’t take long for her to cry out that she was cumming. As she collapsed back into my chest, I asked her if she wanted to go into the bathroom and watch us make love in the mirror. She readily agreed so I took her hand and led her into the soft candlelight.

As she was looking at herself in the mirror, I walked up behind her and began kissing her neck, cupping her breasts in my hands.

‘Do you want me inside you?’

‘Yesss’

I gently bent her over and guided my cock into her pussy. We moved slowly at first, enjoying the scene that was playing out. She was transfixed on the image in the mirror in front of her, an almost dreamy look on her face. Seeing her face in the mirror, as it twisted slightly with pleasure, looking down at my hard cock disappearing inside her, the curve of her exquisite ass, her thong pulled to the side, her nylon covered legs; I have to admit it was one of the most erotic moments in my life.

Slowly, I picked up the pace of my thrusting and began talking to her.

‘Do you like watching yourself being taken from behind? Seeing your beautiful face as it twists with the pleasure I’m giving you’

‘Oh god yes…this is so incredible…I love how I look.’

‘Good baby, I want you to see how you look when I’m fucking you.  You're so beautiful.’

With that, I picked up my pace. At this point, I’d learned about where her threshold was. She started moaning softly as I continued to fuck her. I could tell she was just on the edge but needed a bit more stimulation to cum.

‘Does that feel good, baby?’

‘Yes sir.’

Picking up the pace a bit, I could feel her getting closer. But I wasn’t giving her quite enough to make her cum and I could feel her frustration as she started to shove her ass back to make me fuck her harder.

‘Do you want to cum, slut?’

‘Yesssss, I’m so close.’

‘Tell me what you want.’

‘Make me cum; I need to cum.’

‘You need to beg for it, like a good girl.’

‘Please make me cum! I want to cum so bad, baby.’

The dirty talk was getting her even more worked up but I held back just enough to keep her from cumming. Finally, I increased my rhythm a bit, edging her closer to the orgasm that was building inside her. After making her beg just a bit longer, I thrust hard enough to give her the release she desperately wanted. She came with a scream and a shudder so violent I had to hold her steady to prevent her from falling.

Without giving her much of a rest, I grabbed her hair and pulled her so her body was parallel to the large mirror. I wanted her to have a ringside seat to see me entering her. With some additional humiliation and pain, I was rewarded with another intense orgasm that gripped my cock inside her pussy.

After the mirror interlude, we took a short break for some much needed wine and other sustenance. Once we were both refreshed, our debauchery resumed in earnest as we worked our way through various positions, sweating, moaning, spanking…

Finally, I threw her on the bed with her ass just at the edge, allowing me to stand on the floor and penetrate her while her legs were over my shoulders.

'Oh my god, no one has ever fucked me this way before!'

I grabbed her hips and thrust as deep as I could; slow at first. Picking up speed, Amber began to moan and thrash on the bed. She groped at her breasts, twisting her nipples to maximize the intensity. Soon, her legs locked around my shoulders and she screamed that she was cumming. I kept fucking her and began telling her what a good little whore she was, laying on the bed, with her legs in the air, and taking my hard cock deep inside her. I kept fucking her and reached down to play with her clit, causing her to thrash even more wildly.

‘Fuck, I’m cumming, baby. I love your cock inside me…OOOOooooohhhnnnn….’

Seeing this gorgeous blonde writhing on my bed and watching my cock battering her pussy was finally getting to me. I told her I was going to cum soon.

‘Cum all over me. I want to feel you shoot your load all over my belly and tits!’

‘You want me to make sure you know who owns you?  You want to be my cum slut?’

‘Yes, I’m YOUR dirty little whore. Cum all over me and make me yours.’

Well, that was all it took. I pulled my cock out of her and came. After fucking for almost two hours off and on, I shot a huge load all over her belly and tits. She rubbed my cum all over her tits and promptly passed out, spent from my using her body. She was so wiped out, that I even had to take off her stockings for her.

All in all, a pretty fun weekend.  And no, you can't see the pictures.

Concealed Carry Permits - Kansas Finds Yet Another Way To Suck

If I'm allowed to carry a concealed handgun in the state I live, I plan on doing so.  We'll skip the existential debate surrounding guns and such, because I won't go there.  This post is intended to be another in the series that never ends on why Kansas sucks; the concealed carry permit application process.  Since most of my readers have likely never applied for a concealed carry permit (CCW), I'll compare and contrast with the two other states in which I've held permits, Virginia and Pennsylvania.  All three are 'shall issue' states, which means they will issue anyone a carry permit, unless a legitimate reason exists to not do so.  In other words, the applicant need not justify the need for a permit (i.e. owns a jewelry store and carries large sums of cash) to receive one.

We'll begin with qualifications; what sort of bona fides does an applicant require to apply for a permit?  (We'll assume our applicant has a clean criminal record and no other disqualifying attributes.)

PA:  Nada
VA:  Essentially, if you've ever taken a handgun course, been in law enforcement, or shot competitively, you're good.
A fairly low bar; I submitted my scores from previous matches I've shot. 

KS:  Applicants must complete a 9 hour CCW class that reviews gun safety and self-defense laws, followed by a handgun proficiency test (that literally everyone passes; the instructors made sure of that) and a written exam (with the same level of difficulty as the shooting qual).
Everyone must take the class.  Doesn't matter if you're a former Navy SEAL, who practices defense law now.  You're taking the class.

I've held a CCW permit for 20+ years and always taken an active interest in understanding the relevant laws.  Plus, I shot competitively for a dozen years and even taught new shooter classes.  As you can imagine, the class was beyond painful for me.  I was a good boy though, and didn't call the instructor out on any of his bullshit, just sitting there and trying not to cringe.  I did laugh at the shooting qual, not because it was beyond remedial, but because of the range officer's reaction.  RO's were there for safety and to provide advice to the shooters, which they did by 'reading' targets (a way of identifying common mistakes based upon where the shots hit).  I used the same tactic when teaching new shooters.  The one in my area gets to my target, in which all the holes are neatly clustered in what would be the A zone if we were using a USPSA target (even though I'd not shot a gun in 9 years).  He had this befuddled look on his face and reluctantly admitted 'I'm not sure how much help I can give you'.  I chuckled and revealed my background.  Hell, just the gun I was shooting likely had more rounds through it than all the other students had shot, in their lives.

Back to the process...

PA and VA:  Take your paperwork (application and supporting documents) and a check to your local courthouse.  Submit, get fingerprinted, and receive your permit in the mail in 7-10 days.

KS:
Have passport photos taken.
Attach two of those to your application, then take all your shit (certificate from the mandatory class) to the local sheriff, along with two checks (one for the AG, the other to National Inbreeding Foundation, the fuck if I can remember). While they've got you bent over for the fees, they'll also fingerprint you.

In some period of time, you'll receive something in the mail that says you're approved.  You'll take that to your local drivers licence center, where they take your picture (what the hell happened to the photos I already submitted???), and mail your permit in another 7-10 days.  Quick and efficient!

Let's discuss fees.
VA and PA are both $35
Kansas continues to demonstrate how it excels in all aspects of sucking donkey dicks.  You'll be writing checks for $132.50.  No, that's not a typo.

To add one final dimension of suck to Kansas, their permit's only valid for four years, where VA and PA are good four five.  Fuck, for $132, Kansas' permit should be valid for a decade and include valet service!

I have to admit to being a bad boy, in class, when the instructor went through the required steps.  It was a completely involuntary uttering of 'you've got to be kidding, right?'

Let's wrap up with a quick recap.
PA and VA:
One stop at your local sheriff / circuit court
Cost $35
Your permit is valid for 5 years.

Kansas:
Four stops, including 9 hours lost in a class I didn't need. 
$132.50
Valid for 4 years.

And I know what you're thinking; 'He's just looking for things to bitch about, now.  Kansas can't suck that badly.'  You're wrong.  While it was with neither glee nor joy that I relocated here, I actually had the mindset that the only thing I'd be giving up was topography and the richness of Richmond itself, and having 2 hour access to the beach, mountains, and DC.  I figured 'how bad could it be?'  The fact is that Kansas has repeatedly beaten me about the head and neck, seemingly yelling 'you made such a mistake moving here; what the fuck were you thinking???'  Seriously, even removing the flatness and bad roads from the equation, every damned aspect of living here is worse than anywhere I've lived before.  I've racked my brain, attempting to identify one point of life, one little thing that's better here than the East Coast.  But there just aren't any.  Restaurants, grocery stores, things to do, cost of living, dating, ease of life, weather...they all suck here.  Perhaps my new hobby should become binge drinking.

Happy living, readers!

Do You Know Yourself? Really?

The words on the screen stung a bit.  They were from a woman with whom I thought I saw what could be an amazing relationship.  Our third date had been even more fun than the previous two and it was clear our desire would take over on number four and we'd become intimate.  I'd told her I wanted us to be exclusive.  Regular readers know I'm a fan of monogamy, plus I really liked this woman.  But there were the words.

I don't want an exclusive sexual relationship with you.

After a bit of back and forth, I got to the heart of the matter.  She wanted a sexual relationship with me but wanted to explore new possibilities, being fresh out of her marriage (dating separated people...never a good idea).  She wanted to sleep around a bit.

I responded by asking "you know we're talking about you, right?  The woman who, on our second date, wouldn't invite me up to her apartment in order to continue the heavy make out session that had begun in my car because 'I barely know you'.  The same woman, who on our third date, required some serious arm twisting before she finally relented to having me up; for the same reason, I might add.  (and not to have sex) And you think you can casually fuck random guys?"

While we were a couple, we would often joke about that, and she would always finish with 'I could totally be a slut.'  Sure you could, sweetheart.

My point in sharing this story is that her lack of understanding of who she was and what she was capable of could have torpedoed something great between the two of us.  (instead, it was her abysmal self-esteem that served as the projectile, but that's another story)

The experience that spurred this entry though, occurred recently, and was deja vu all over again with a similar encounter a few years ago.  While both women fell into the same demographic, two data points do not make a trend.  But the data points are the same.  The women were full blown submissives, who hadn't been with a man in at least a year.  Having spotted their concealed desires, I brought each 'out of their shell' and was met with a sentiment of 'I want you to take me asap' and called 'master' by both.  Then, to borrow a line from Top Gun, they each realized their sex drive wrote a check their body couldn't cash.  In other words, both flaked.  The first got halfway to the wine bar, at which we were meeting, and realized she couldn't go through with fucking a complete stranger.  She was apologetic, I was supportive.  There was some chemistry, but we never reconnected.  The second one ghosted me before we could meet.  I sent her a note a week or so after, asking why she ghosted me, to which she responded to the effect of 'those things you said to me before we even met were screwed up'.  Oh, you mean the things that you were self-stimulating to as I said them?  As noted, both women couldn't overcome their own inhibitions, even though they clearly thought they could.

The moral of these stories is understanding the person in the mirror is vital, when you're attempting to find a mate or chart your course.  Without knowing yourself, you can never hope to truly know someone else.

Happy dating, readers.

The Insightful Bachelor Joins The Klan

Sunday morning in the flat lands and I'm waking up alone again.  This is noteworthy because I had two women eager and willing for me to do very bad things to them, this weekend, and I bailed on both.  Each brought her own brand of lunacy to the table, and since they dropped in at the same time, I thought I'd share.  

The first woman was a previous float in my parade of loons.  We had traded notes a few months back, but not met.  She was the first woman who had 'scheduled' a sexting session.  Seriously, she told me that we would sext that evening and at the appointed time, began sending x-rated pictures and videos.  Perhaps I'm different from most guys, but I need a bit of warming up before such a stream of material excites me.  In any case, before I wander too far into the details, I blew her off because she was an oddball.  She was oddly self-absorbed and shared way too many details of her dysfunctional past with me.  Because she fancied herself as a writer, those details came in the form of epic length emails.  Ask her what time it was and she'd share interminable thoughts on time itself, as well as how it impacted her previous struggles with mental illness.  

This woman reappeared and wanted me to afford her another opportunity to date.  Having suffered her bullshit before, I told her I needed a fuck toy and she would come over Saturday (last) night to provide that service.  She readily agreed and the epic notes returned.  Fuck, I forgot what a whack job she was.  It was actually something relatively minor that caused her to be kicked to the curb again.  In the midst of the painfully long emails, she made the comment 'your such a good guy', or something to that effect.  I won't date a woman if her profile has that error and this woman constantly pats herself on the back for being an extraordinary writer.  Yet, she still can't get 'your' and 'you're' straight.  Granted, I would have finally skipped the encounter anyway, to escape the constant garbage coming from her mouth, not to mention, she had the strong aroma of a stalker, but the end result was the same.

The other woman, in some ways, was even more fucked up than the first one.  Like the first, she was smart, educated, and had something to say.  It didn't hurt she was gorgeous as well.  I'll also mention she was black; be very clear I have no feelings, one way or another, about dating a black woman; I'm mentioning it because it'll be important later.  Sandi was an interesting girl, in that she worked like crazy to maintain her tough, outer shell.  She also seemed to enjoy keeping me on my toes.  For those reasons, I took some of her demands with a grain of salt.  But she made demands that, in my mind, had her straddling the fence between high maintenance and manipulative.  For example, when we planned to talk on the phone for the first time, she got angry I wouldn't share my number as soon as the plans were made, even though we wouldn't be speaking for several hours.  

There were other things that rang some bells, such as her way of engaging her fwb's.  I'll stop for a moment and state that one of the other things I appreciated about Sandi was her sex drive and level of perversity similar to mine.  Back to her fwb's, she would fuck them, but refused to kiss them.  This, she told me, was in order to compartmentalize feelings versus sexual pleasure.  I found this to be rather odd, because I've kissed every one of my fwb's and they've eagerly reciprocated.  She also made it clear she was no one's sub; in fact, she told me I would be her's.  Also, she enjoyed having a man go down on her, but hadn't experienced that in years, due to the vulnerability involved in receiving oral.

We had planned to get together last night, but talked every evening this past week, almost always enjoying some phone dirtiness before hanging up.  Sometimes, the phone sex was the main event.  She slowly opened up to me and began to realize that I really wasn't just interested in fucking her.  That trust allowed her to share her deepest, darkest sexual fantasy with me.  I've done some very naughty, dirty things sexually, but what she shared shocked even me.  I was to secure a Klan robe / hood and put her in her place, treat her like a possession, rough her up / choke her, and degrade her without mercy.  I sort of said 'youwantmetodowhatnow?'  I find the Klan to be the worst of those with whom I share the planet and to have a strong, black woman want to bring them into the bedroom absolutely floored me.  It would have been difficult for me to put on a set of Klan robes.  That being said, within certain boundaries (i.e. no other species, football teams, scat, etc.) I'll do what it takes to take my partner to new levels of sexual pleasure.  So, that was the role play for that night's phone fun.  

But the demands / manipulation continued to where we'd talk in circles for an hour about the same topic, only to land back where we started; what was objectionable 30 minutes ago was suddenly a perfect idea.  The straw that broke it for me was she told me she wanted to hear me tell her I loved her.  (I'll remind readers I'd not met this woman)  Naturally, I told her that wouldn't happen for a bit, because, well, I'm emotionally healthy.  This hurt her feelings quite a bit.  She backpedaled to explain it was a sexual fantasy, although I knew she was full of shit.  Our last exchange of the night involved her demand for a certain dirty picture (btw, she's only the second woman I've encountered who likes dick pics).  I teased her and asked if she thought she deserved the picture.  'So much for making me happy.'  That was it; no dirty sex is worth the borderline tantrums and manipulation.  So, I woke up yesterday morning and called off our date.  

I've resisted the temptation to 'diagnose' this woman, although it's clear there are some serious intimacy issues present.  I'm just happy to have not had her over, because she also smelled of 'stalker'.

Those are the most recent women I've interacted with, beyond a note or two.  There have been a number of women who seem unable to hold a conversation, but that's a constant background noise.    

In closing, I will mention that finding KKK robes and hoods is pretty much impossible.  Neither Amazon nor eBay list them, and if those two don't offer something, it's likely not available to buy.  There's my tidbit of knowledge for the week.

Happy dating, readers.         

A Trip To The DMV - Kansas Finds More Ways To Suck

The DMV is never fun, regardless of where you live.  However, this week, Kansas took the experience to a new and painful level for me.  In this state, you must traverse a multi-stage process for titling / registering your vehicles, when you move from another state.  First, you must present the vehicle and title to the Kansas Highway Patrol for them to validate the VIN's match, then do the DMV purgatory.  I took both of my cars for the VIN check, a few weeks ago; each requiring over an hour of waiting and messing about with apathetic civil servants.  I didn't find time to complete the process until this past week.

Wednesday morning, I set out for the drivers license facility (different than the DMV) and managed to knock that out in about an hour.  Not bad for the typical government parade of sloths.  What made me chuckle is the temporary DL I received, which looks like a bar receipt; on thermal paper and everything.  This thing has to last 30-45 days; imagine trying to keep a receipt from Target that long (in your wallet).  Both PA and VA (the two other states in which I've lived) had facilities in which you walked out with a real license. 

Bar receipt in hand, I trekked to the DMV to finish the process.  After waiting the proper 25 minutes, I was called to window 12, where I presented my completed paperwork.  The drone behind the counter told me I must have handed her the wrong title, because the inspection sheet noted a KTM motorcycle.  I don't own a motorcycle which meant the damned inspection station screwed up.  Back in the car, I trudged to the KHP facility, where I was told to sign in and take a seat.   I responded 'I don't plan on being here long enough to need a seat.  You need to remedy this mixup and have me on my way.'  The woman manning the counter looked at me and, I swear on my grandmother's grave, said 'remedy?'  I stared at her and said 'fix'.  'Oh, okay; wait a minute.'  A few minutes later, I made the return trip back to the DMV.  I approached another counter, this time, and presented my now correct paperwork. 

'Do you have your VA registration?'
'Uh, no...it wasn't on the list of documents I was to provide, based upon your website.'
'Well, I need it to determine timing for your taxes.' 
It's obvious I had the registration for the vehicle I was driving, but the reg for my other car was, shocker, in my other car.

Thus, I found myself making another trek, still nowhere near completing my task.  After grabbing some lunch, kicking a few kittens, and otherwise releasing my frustrations, I returned to the DMV.  This time, I had everything I needed and was able to complete the full transaction.  Although, the final act was to pay KS property tax on my cars, which was 20% higher than what I paid in VA.  I pretty much said to the drone behind the counter 'you've got to be kidding! You charge more than a real state and still have shit roads and services.  How the hell do you charge this much?'  Not surprising I received no response on that one. 

In any case, I'm now legal in the state of...I can't even say it. 

How was your week?

Quarterly Dating Profile of the Week

Typically, I post profiles I can make fun of, but that's not the case here.  I read this opening recently and it just struck me as funny.  Usually, we reach out to those with whom we share common interests / experiences.  That's not likely here.  'You too???'

My self-summary
I spent most of my 20s traveling to Antarctica researching polar plankton. Now, I enjoy documentaries (the more depressing the better!),...

Religion and Dating in Kansas

Having been here for seven months (holy fucking shit, that realization just made me a bit nauseous!), I should have already encountered someone I wanted to date more than a few times, or at least developed one or two 'special friends', with whom I could spend quality time.  However, I've only gone on multiple dates with one person.  It goes without saying that dating sucks, but seriously, this has been an incredible dry spell.  This lack of companionship can essentially be attributed to one factor, religion.

I've already shared my views on religion and faith here.  With the exception I noted in that entry, I'd previously not encountered much friction on the topic of religion in the context of dating.  That is until I moved here...to the Bible Belt.  You see, the majority of people I've come across here are practicing Christians and most women want the same quality in their partner.  Beyond it narrowing the dating pool quite a bit, no foul, right?  Wrong.

You see, many of these so called devout Christians take quite a bit of license with the 'no sex before marriage' rule.  That's the one good thing about OKCupid; it's easy to see by how a woman answers the sex questions what's important to her.  It's fairly common to find a woman who responds she'll sleep with a guy on their first date, but God is very important to her.

My position is if you're going to be a Christian, be a Christian.  If you consider the Bible to be the word of God, follow it.  You're either in or you're out.  'I like these rules, but not those, so I'll ignore them' serves only to highlight your hypocrisy.   His word is either sacrosanct or it's not, and if it's not, then stop calling yourself a person of faith.

To those I've questioned on the topic, the typical response has been 'I have a special relationship with God'.  So, you and your sky daddy sat down and he said 'fuck all the guys you want, I got your back'?  You'll forgive me if I'm a bit skeptical about that one.

It all boils down to this:  This is your god, the one you worship, and profess to follow.  If you can't be faithful to Him, then how can I expect you will be to some schmuck you're dating?

The cherry on the top is these women (and I'm sure men, but I don't date them), will be the first to judge you for not being a Christian.  They look down their noses at you as though you're some sort of ignorant, evil creature.  Hypocrisy elevated to a very high standard.

And this has nothing to do with slut shaming.  Those who read my blog know I wholeheartedly celebrate sluts.  A woman can fuck her way through the NFC east, for all I care, and I'd have not one unkind word to say about her.  However, if she's espousing to worship her sky daddy while doing it, she's a waste of oxygen.

For example, the girl who owned nothing would scream with delight as I pounded her ass, and called her a whore, but still gave me shit for not believing in God.

In another case, I'd been chatting with a woman (here in the Flat Lands) who seemed to be a good fit; smart, funny, cute, blah, blah.  We'd discussed sex and she became rather excited about becoming my dirty girl, even being owned by me.  We planned to meet for dinner, then she would come to my house, the next night, to get laid, no pretense of anything else.  Fast forward to dinner and the food arrives.  Before she tears into her steak, she bows her head.  Holy shit, this chick is saying grace!  The chick I had just met, who wanted me to fuck her like a slut the following night, was saying grace!

My rant toward these people:  You fuckers are the worst kind of hypocrites and numb skulls.  You make the rest of us suffer through you wearing your supposed faith on your sleeve, looking down your nose at those who don't share your beliefs, yet you don't live it yourself.  Exactly what do you plan to say to St. Peter at the pearly gates, when he points out more men had gone down on you than on the Titanic?

No one should be shocked that I absolutely won't date a Christian.  If she truly believes, I'm not waiting until marriage or a 'serious' relationship before we get naughty (and potentially discover she's horrible in the sack).  If she does fuck, she's a hypocrite.

And that's life in Kansas...how's your love life?