Internet Dating - The Chuckles, Rants, and Face Palms

Let me start off by saying that, aside from sociopaths, most everyone deserves to find their perfect mate.   But one begins to wonder what constitutes a perfect match for most of the women I've seen on dating sites.  (Yes, I'm picking on women again; it's that whole straight, don't date men thing.  The men will take their lumps in my next blog.)  Taken at face value, one begins to wonder if they should be living on their own.  

So, let's poke fun at internet dating profiles and such. Yes, this is a rant, with profanity and name calling and miles below my normal standard of writing.  But I had to get it out, people.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

Before I go any further, I'll admit that I find writing that initial email to a woman to be somewhat stressful.  I've already performed a criteria analysis, as outlined in my entry on Dating in Your 40's, and consider the intended recipient to be a potentially good match.  For me, there are very few women who even pass this first test.  Next comes actually writing a note that will engage the recipient in a way that points out some commonalities, expresses an interest in something they wrote, or in general, demonstrates that I've taken the time to read their profile.  But so many profiles are lacking in the content that allows me to accomplish any of those things.  Most of us are on the site to find a meaningful relationship, yet most people can't be bothered to actually share what they're about. 

So, what does one find on dating profiles?  Let's take a look!

On the 'no content' side, the sentiments I see most frequently are as follows.  Keep in mind that, in many cases, a profile will contain nothing what I've noted.  

 - 'Just ask.' - You've got nothing else on your profile.  How the fuck would I know what to even ask about?  Have you ever been to Scandinavia or neutered a hippo?  Do you swallow or have inverted nipples?

- 'I don't like to talk about myself' - Then I'm going to assume you're not worthy of being talked about.  

Seriously, unless you want endless emails from guys who just want to screw you, prove you're sentient!  

Moving along to the 'might as well be no content' list, we'll start with my two favorites, which are:
- 'I love the beach / water'
&
- 'I love to laugh' - Wow, so do I!  So does 99.9999% of the free world!  The same percentage that thinks being waterboarded wouldn't be fun, but no one mentions that in their profile.  Personally, I'd like to know if someone liked waterboarding more than if they liked to laugh.  As you can tell, this one in particular makes me crazy.

These two usually come in a combo package and I swear 80% of the dating profiles I've read contain them, frequently with nothing beyond them.  Ladies, those attributes don't make you unique or even give a clue about what you're like!  Seriously, if every woman's dating profiles are the same, can women really blame guys for choosing the women with the biggest racks?

- My kids are my life - Well, they damned well better be!  Again, you have to spell that out?  Just once, I'd like to read my two illegitimate kids are a major irritation, but at least both their daddies have started paying support, the deadbeats.

Next, we have negativity; so much negativity...
- These are the profiles that shout what the author doesn't want.  I've seen drama, men who are emotionally unavailable, cheat, lie, are players or serial daters, sociopaths, have issues with mental health, baby mommas, the law, and a few that I've forgotten.  

Listen genius, do you honestly think men who the above apply to are going to say Gee, I'm a sociopath, but she said she doesn't want one of those, so I'll move on.?  Do you even think men who fall into most of those categories know they fit in those categories?  News flash:  You're likely fucked up too, and I bet you haven't figured it out.  Do you think Ted Bundy would have passed most of his victims by if they'd specified they didn't want to be involved with a serial killer?

I get it, you've been burned before and no one enjoys that.  I've been the recipient of a scorched heart as well.  But the only thing you're accomplishing, by throwing all of that garbage in your profile is sounding like a bitter bitch.  I don't want to date a bitter bitch and I'm guessing neither do most men. 

As an honorable mention, I'll finish up with serious inquiries only.  Were you getting completely absurd and comedic inquiries?  Again, I've seen profiles with only those three words on them.  The best was when the woman couldn't even be bothered to take spelling seriously.  Her profile read Serious injuries only.  I don't want none of that sprained ankle shit; you come to me with some head trauma or amputation!

Of course, some rather talented women manage to work several of the above into a profile (and nothing else).  Here's what I don't want.  I love to laugh.  Anything else, just ask.

Over the past few years, I've been on Match, Plenty of Fish, and OkCupid.  Admittedly, the vast majority of the above offenders are on POF, which likely has to do with its cost to join, which is nothing.  It does seem to reflect its client base.  The really frustrating thing about POF is I rarely get responses from women on that site, but have regular interaction on the others.  God's honest truth, I've had the same woman ignore an email I sent on POF, then send me an unsolicited email on Match.  One of life's little mysteries.

One head scratcher that seems to only take place on POF is confusion over your level of education.  I've seen several profiles of women who have unskilled jobs like bus driver and a profile that a second grader could have written better, which there's nothing wrong with, if that's what you've got.  But these same women list themselves as having a graduate degree.  I guess the thought is I graduated, so I must have a graduate degree.

Ultimately, the wisdom I'd like to impart is read your profile, pretending someone else wrote it, and ask yourself whether you'd be interested in dating that person.

Before we move away from profiles, a quick word on photos.  Yes, you may have been absolutely stunning in the 90's, you out of work trophy wife, but it's not relevant to us who might date you now.  Put some current pictures up, for crying out loud.

Conversation
So, I've found a woman with a well-written profile and sent her a lovely note.  If she responds, I've found she's as likely as not to phone in the email conversation.  Seriously people, have you forgotten how to carry on a conversation, using basic communication skills?  In order to be successful and rewarding, a conversation requires both parties be engaged.  After sending a well written note to a woman, it's not uncommon to receive a sentence fragment in return, usually one that affords no opportunity to extend the conversation.  Examples include 'my day was good', in response to sharing an interesting event of the day and asking a few questions.  

Just today, I had a second email exchange with a woman; I'd sent her a note, last night, as above (events and follow up questions).  This morning, she responded with 'good morning'.  WTF?  Are you going to ignore the last note I sent you, altogether?  It went downhill from there and I broke it off.

And these are all educated women, who should know better!!!

When a woman reaches out first, more chances than not, you'll experience the final hair puller of this rant.  She'll send a note that's these three words and nothing else 
How are you?
Are you telling me that after reading my admittedly long profile, that you couldn't find anything to use as a conversation starter?  That's really all you have to say to get my attention?  I'll pat myself on the back for resisting the temptation to respond that It's a kickass day, because I'm finally off parole and the paternity tests came back negative.  That's what the bitch gets for giving me the clap.

In fact, I'm proud to say I've only trolled one unimaginative woman, who managed to catch me in a mood, one day.  The best an attorney could come up with was Any plans for the weekend?  I responded Yes.  That's what the bitch deserves for giving me the clap!

It goes without saying the blame for this decline in conversational skills stems from the proliferation of apps and the culture of text messaging.  You just can't build a genuine, engaging note on your phone.  Pick up your tablet or sit in front of your pc and show you're capable of more than two sentences worthy of a third grader!

At this point, I'll ask you, my readers, am I completely out of my mind for wanting to be engaged?  Is it unreasonable to not want to expend the time and effort to discover if a woman has something interesting to say?  Note, that there's still the minor matter of considering compatibility.  Perhaps I'm just not with the times and stuck in the past.  After all, these same women who can't be bothered to write a real email obviously meet other men and find success, because they come and go from these sites.  So, I ask my readers, what am I missing?

Finally, as I find new and even more neurotic profiles, I'll post screen shots.  Perhaps we can enjoy the profile of the week.

Cum On My Tits - A Love Story

Here’s a true story of one my most memorable nights of debauchery.  99% of the dialogue is accurate; certain things become lodged in one’s brain, when they occur in the right context.

Jane has shown up in my blog several times before, although I’ve never referred to her by name.  For example, she’s the girl for whom I served as a reference fuck (see previous blog entry for more).  Jane and I were on again, off again with regard to a real relationship but got together occasionally because we enjoyed each other’s company; plus the sex was always good.  A couple of years ago, I decided to have Jane over for dinner, just before Christmas.  We hadn’t seen each other in a while so I wanted to catch up.  As usual, we had a great time over dinner and several glasses of wine.  My intent wasn’t to sleep with her that evening, since our last encounter had been my breaking up with her.  That all went to hell after the second bottle of wine was polished off.  One can only expect so much will power when confronted with an attractive redhead who loves to please in the bedroom.  As I uncorked our third bottle of red, we stood in the kitchen flirting over small talk.  With little fanfare, I grabbed her and kissed her.  There are women who can kiss and those who can’t; Jane represents a true talent in that department and kissing has always been an event unto itself.  We kissed passionately, her lips and tongue tasting of the wine we had just been enjoying.  Our hands groping each other from both excitement and a bit of drunken reverie.  She broke away from me and exclaimed, ‘finally, a man who knows how to kiss me.’ 

We continued to kiss and my hand found its way under her skirt.  ‘Someone’s definitely excited.  I love how wet you get for me’, I said.  She responded that I always made her wet. 

Then she told me what she wanted.  ‘Will you stroke your cock for me tonight?  It’s such a turn on to watch a guy stroke his hard cock.  I want you to cum on my tits too.  It’s been a fantasy of mine.  Will you do that for me?’

I can’t recall exactly how I responded but it was an enthusiastic affirmative. Duh!

We made our way to the bedroom, tearing off clothes as we stumbled.  I threw Jane down on the bed and continued to kiss her, while my hands began exploring her now naked form.  Caressing her breasts, feeling her nipples harden with my touch.  Moving my head down, I began to explore her breasts with my mouth.  Lips at first, then brushing my tongue over each one, then sucking with a bit more intensity.  My hand moved down to touch her sex, her legs parting automatically to receive me.  Just a bit of touching to start, then a bit more pressure on her clit, slowly rubbing in a circle.  Her breathing continued to get heavier and more ragged as I touched her.  I’ve been here before and remember just how she likes to be pleasured.  After taking a break from mouthing her breasts to watch the look of bliss spread across her beautiful face, I return to the task.  She pushed her head up and joined me, both our tongues dancing across her pink nipple.  The site is intoxicating as we both surrender to our pleasure.  I slide one finger into her very wet pussy, causing her to moan.  Jane’s a g-spot girl and it’s time for her to cum for me.  I slowly work my finger in and out of her, finally settling on her g-spot, massaging it in a circular movement.  I can feel her begin to build toward her first orgasm as I vary the pressure to touch her just right.  Her hips begin to move ever so slightly and I ask her if she’s going to cum for me. 

‘Mmm, hmm’

‘Then do it, honey.  Cum for me.  Give me what I want.’

And her first orgasm hits; it’s always the mildest for her.

‘Oooh, ooh, ohh…’

I kiss her passionately and take her hand in mine, guiding it back down between her thighs.  I position my hand over top of hers, finger for finger, so I can slide both of our middle fingers inside her as one.  Then I begin to masturbate her with her own finger, making it my own little sex toy.  After a few moments, I can feel her reach that point.  Women know what I’m referring to; it’s that point where whatever stimulation you’re receiving must end in an orgasm.  Once Jane reaches that point of no return, I remove my own finger, leaving her climax in her own hands, as it were. 

‘God that’s so hot, Janey.  I love watching you touch yourself for me.  Will you make yourself cum for me?  I want you show me how much I excite you.’

As she touches herself, I return to her breasts and pleasure her that way.  Then, she cums for me.  Her ‘ooh, ooh, oh…’ accompanied by the soft spasm in her hips.

Once she recovers, it’s clear she has her mind on her own oral arguments.  Jane loves to suck my cock and shoves me back on the bed so she can get to work.  Tonight, there’s no teasing…no playful licking.  She’s hungry for me down her throat and devours my cock over and over.  After deep throating me for a bit, she moves up and straddles me.  I love how her hips move as she rides my cock.  I reach up and play with her nipples.  She’s moaning louder than normal tonight; I can hear the urgency as she works me.  But the urgency somehow transitions to frustration.  She wants to cum again and just can’t get there fast enough for her liking.  She rolls off of me, onto her back, and begins to thrust her fingers in and out of herself.  Her body spasms in a way I hadn’t seen before and she screams as her orgasm rips through her body. 

‘Fuck!’

She then pulls me on top of her, wraps her legs around me, and tells me to fuck her.  She needs to cum all over my cock.  Honestly, the next few hours remain a bit hazy for me.  We continued to use each other in every position we could think of, stopping occasionally for a bit of a rest and more wine.  Ultimately, I wound up behind her (for the second or third time), grabbing her hips and thrusting deeply.  Over time, I’d worked out just the right angle to best ravage her g-spot; a move that caused her to orgasm almost constantly and always made me cum as well.  The combination of not lasting much longer inside her as well as fatigue (3 hours of fucking will do that to you!) made the decision easy.  I pulled her shoulders up so I could stay inside her while I whispered in her ear.

‘Do you want me to stroke my cock for you and cum all over your tits?’

‘Yes, do it.’

I moved to where I was standing next to the side of the bed, allowing me to lean back on it slightly, and she immediately dropped to her knees in front of me.  She couldn’t resist sucking my hard cock for a bit but then moved back a bit to watch the show she wanted.  I started masturbating for her, milking my hard cock.  As my shaft would become dry, I’d pull her head forward and she’d deep throat me until I was lubed up from her saliva. 

As I resumed stroking my cock, I watched Jane watching me and I’ve never seen a look on a woman’s face quite like hers that night.  Her expression was one of pure, unadulterated lust; her eyes burning as she watched me stroking my cock in directly in front of her face.  I’ll never forget that look on her face as long as I live nor will I forget the scene; it was one of the hottest sexual experiences I’ve ever had. 

Jane would occasionally interrupt my stroking to enjoy playing with my cock.  She’d stroke it herself, then lean forward and bury it between her breasts, wrapping them around it so she could feel me fucking her tits, then use her mouth to make it wet again. 

After providing her with her value for the price of admission, I decided it was time to grant her second request.  I asked her if she was ready to feel my cum all over her tits.

‘Yes, cum all over me.  I want to feel your hot cum.’

I repeated the exchange a few more times, further working us both up, then took a step forward so I could explode all over her pretty tits.  There are few times that real life lives up to what you see in porn but this was one of them for me.  I groaned that I was going to cum and then began to erupt just where she asked.  It was one of the biggest loads I’ve ever mustered and it truly splashed all over both of her breasts.  She pulled me against her and rubbed my cock in the hot, sticky mess that pooled between her tits. 

At that point, we both pretty well collapsed.  It was quite the marathon, lasting until just after three a.m. and I still had to drive to Florida the next morning.  Yes, it was a long drive but well worth the pain.

I hope you enjoyed reading this and appreciate any feedback.  I’ll pass it along to Jane too.

Dating in Your 40's - Not For The Faint of Heart

Finding the right person in your forties sucks.  There, I said it and if you’re single and in your forties, you already know it to be true.  But, being a student of human nature and a guy who likes to analyze things to death, I’ve done my best to get to some of the underlying issues of why it sucks.  Admittedly, my viewpoint will be colored by my sex (yep, I’m a guy), but I’m confident much of my babbling will be relatable to the fairer sex as well. 

Also, in order to properly convey the points I need to make, I will be utilizing descriptors that might be mistaken for value statements (i.e. economic status).  However, they aren’t, so leave your prejudices at the door. 

For those with a short attention span, dating in your forties sucks because we’re more restrictive, in terms of attributes we find acceptable in a potential partner, and the dating pool sucks. 

The Internet

As most of us single folks utilize the internet for meeting new potential partners, I’ll use this as a context for my article.  This is where we’ll begin.  On a good day, internet dating can be an amazing tool to meet other singles in your area.  It can also represent a never ending shit show that can leave you feeling frustrated and unwanted.    

On the positive side, internet dating brings together potentially compatible singles who wouldn’t likely meet otherwise.  Just plug in your criteria and go from there; you can narrow down your potential matches by almost any criteria you can imagine.  In my case, I searched for women who are Asian, taller than 6’, with red hair, possess a Master’s degree, and speak Flemish. 

On the negative side, if you’re not of stout self-image, it’ll (further) erode your self-esteem like a typhoon on a tropical beach.  You will send very nice notes to members of the opposite sex (or same sex) and receive no response.  Or they’ll engage, then disappear; this can be after one email, one date, or one sexual encounter.  In other words, rejection becomes a daily routine.

Why do people not respond or disappear?  First, there could be a legitimate reason, such as you don’t meet their criteria.  Experience has taught me that women who are separated, regardless of circumstances, are almost guaranteed to have latent emotional issues to contend with, from their failed marriage.  Aside from logic, whether it be Match, Plenty of Fish, OKC, or any of the other myriad of dating sites, you’ve got to make an impression that’s compelling very quickly.  Regardless of sex, you’re immediately judged by whether the viewer finds you attractive via your photos.  We know men are visually stimulated, but it surprised me to learn that women based much of their initial interest on a quick look at a guy’s pictures. 

And if you’re not an Adonis or Christy Turlington, making that impression becomes more of a challenge.  Users have a ‘cafeteria’ with oh so many options to choose from, all of whom are single (the ones who aren’t lying) and want to meet someone.  If they’re all single, I should be able to have whichever I want, right?  After all, with all these amazingly hot chicks/guys, I should be able to have one.  Yep, unrealistic expectations abound, on the net.  I’ll pick on the fairer sex because, being straight and all, I only have experience with women’s profiles.  I’ve read more than one profile of a rather unattractive, borderline obese woman, with three kids, specify that she’s only attracted to tall, handsome, fit men.  That’s great, because no other women want that.  Listen, just because this bunch of guys, with rock hard abs and a killer smile, are on the same dating site as you doesn’t make you any closer to their league. 

If you’re halfway attractive and can put two sentences together, there will be quite a number of parties interested in meeting you.  This can be exciting and a great ego boost, but it’s oh so easy to get caught up in an ‘all you can eat’ mentality.  There are all these people who want me, I must meet them all so I can choose the absolute best one for me!  I’ve chatted with women who’ve admitted, yes, I have dates on Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday, but I’d still like to meet you.  Yeah, I’ll pass.  Pick one or two and leave the others for another day.  You can narrow those five guys down, can’t you?

Focused On What's Important

So, now that I’ve got my list of tall, Asian, redheads, I must go about narrowing it down to the women, with whom I believe I’m most compatible.  Except it isn’t quite so simple.  The great thing about finding a partner when you’re younger (and making it work) is that you could be quite different from one another and still succeed as a couple.  Most of your lives are in front of you and you grow together.  This changes dramatically, as we age. 

By now, you’ve grown into a person who knows (or damned well should) who they are, what they stand for, and they fit in the world.  You have a job that likely defines you more than you’d care to admit.  Short of winning the lottery, you’ve pretty much settled into the socioeconomic group in which you’ll spend the remainder of your life.  Again, that defines you more than we’d like to admit.  You’ve either continued to expand your mind or decided there’s no need.  You have children or you don’t.  Perhaps you still want children.  You eat what you eat.  Your views on politics and religion are pretty solid.   Your personal habits have been set and you’ll be damned if someone won’t let you watch TV in bed.

For better or for worse, you’re about finished with any radical changes to all of these aspects of your life. 

As our lives have become more focused, so does our criteria for a partner.  In most cases, this is a good thing.  Shared experiences are pretty important when determining whether we might be compatible with someone.  Just to throw out a few random items from my own personal journey.  Twenty years ago, I’d never been out of the country so finding someone who had experienced (or wanted to experience) the world outside the US held zero importance.  Now, having traveled the world several times over for both business and pleasure, I can’t imagine being with someone whose interest stopped at the border.  Would we take separate vacations?  I enjoy cooking and eating ‘gourmet’ meals.  Would it make sense to try to date a woman who thought Ruby Tuesday was fine dining?  These are examples of how my dating criteria have become more focused and yes, more restrictive, as the result of personal experience. 

At what point does even healthy narrowing of criteria become too restrictive?  I would offer that most of us don’t know what we really need to be happy, otherwise, we’d be happily involved with a fantastic partner.  How many of us are searching for our ideal, instead of someone who’ll be an amazing friend and lover?  Are we unwilling to settle for what we need in order to get what we want?  Does what we want really exist?  Again, the internet can be awesome, because you can learn a great deal about a person from their profile.  But how much knowledge is too much and are we doing the wrong things with it?  For the sake of brevity, I’ll recall a recent stroll through the land of dating profiles.  One of the tall, redheaded Asian women listed her favorite movies, as suggested by the dating site.  They were mostly what I consider to be dumb comedies (Will Farrell), and I caught myself thinking nope, she won’t work because she has crap taste in movies.  Then, I thought you’re going to discount what appears to be an attractive, well adjusted, and intelligent woman solely because of her taste in movies?  That’s beyond stupid!  But this is a risk we take that can do more harm than good.

Speaking of harm, we can sometimes allow our previous experiences to impact our criteria in a less than healthy manner.  For example, I dated a woman who had this litany of inconsequential and random traits that a prospective partner must not possess.  As we talked, it became clear that the criteria represented a list of little things she didn’t like about her ex-husband.  She allowed her baggage to impact her in a less than healthy manner.  It’s like saying my ex liked to golf and he cheated on me, so if you golf, that means I can never trust you.   

Now that I’ve narrowed down the field and have a list of tall, redheaded Asian women, who speak Flemish AND enjoy the same movies as me, I reach the final, and most difficult challenge of dating.  Which ones are actually able to have a relationship?

The Broken 

I used to bemoan that I seemed to attract all the ‘crazies’, until I realized that 80% of the singles population were broken, in some manner or another.  Listen, by the time you’re in your mid-forties, you’ve been beaten around emotionally.  Your marriage has failed, your spouse left you, abused you, cheated, and so on.  There could be longstanding issues that had their genesis in childhood when a parent died, was absent, or worse.  All of these things add up and can manifest themselves in various ways.  Abandonment issues and fear of intimacy are the two most frequent traits I’ve found in women my age.  The common thread seems to be diminished (or destroyed) self-esteem.  Depending on the severity, these can be absolute nightmares, for both parties, in trying to establish a healthy relationship.

Those who suffer from these conditions tend to feel unworthy of being loved, and live in fear that their potential partner will discover just how undeserving they are.  In the case of abandonment issues, the will often behave in a manner that will ensure the departure of their new love interest, making He’ll leave me a self-fulfilling prophecy.  This has happened to me a few times.  In general, they either avoid being vulnerable (and subsequently being hurt again) or jump into relationships incredibly quickly, in the hopes the other party will feel the same emotional bond.   Even once in a relationship, their self-worth doesn’t improve.  Therefore, they may be very jealous of their partner and repeatedly accuse them of cheating.  Even with sound logic and effective visual aids, you will not successfully be able to reason with these people.

Almost every woman I’ve dated in the past year has suffered from abandonment or intimacy issues, mostly as a result of self-esteem that’s taken a beating at the hands of their former spouses.  It’s a horrible shame; I’ve seen smart, desirable, kind women who think they’re worth nothing to a partner.  On the flip side, they’re rock stars in their careers.  In one case, she agreed to an exclusive relationship but accepted that I’d sleep with other women.  I imagine men suffer just as much as women.  I’ll admit to dealing with fear of intimacy in the past, myself. 

These are genuine life traumas we need to face and deal with but most of us lack the self-awareness to realize our feelings, and resulting behavior, aren’t normal or healthy.  The bottom line is that we won’t fix these issues on our own and they won’t just go away.  If you suspect you may be suffering through one of these conditions, please get help.  If not for yourself, but for those who you’ll continue to hurt, if you don’t.

Oh, and the mental health challenges can be so much worse.  I was married to a woman with borderline personality disorder, whose constant emotional abuse caused my fear of intimacy.  I’ve dated a bi polar and a closet alcoholic as well.  Then, you’ve got your sociopaths, narcissists, and the list goes on.  When I was young and naïve, if questioned, I would have been sure anyone that out of touch would have been diagnosed or at least recognize it in their own behavior.  Nope, they’re walking among us, folks, and want to be our dates.

Some blunt words of advice to those who are separated: Don’t try to find a relationship until you’re divorced.  If you haven’t finished the divorce process, you’ve not completely dealt with all of the shit I mentioned above.  I’ve not met one separated woman who’s even begun to address the trauma from her marriage.  I know you want to prove you’re a good partner, worthy of being loved, but all you’ll prove is you’re a mess.  I’ll spare my readers the gory details, but suffice to say I’ve been proven correct every time I’ve dated someone not divorced.  Just don’t do it; if not for yourself, but for the people who you’ll cause pain when you flake out (and you will flake).

In short, we forty something singles are a mass of emotionally wounded people, many of whom shouldn’t even attempt a relationship in our current emotional state.

If you weren’t disheartened before, I’m quite certain you are now, after reading the facts.  Rather than leaving you wanting to jump off a cliff, I’ll end with a bit of humor.

Some Interesting Demographics

As I’ve done the whole dating thing, I’ve discovered certain recurring themes within women’s profiles; there are certain demographics that appear somewhat regularly, in my dating pool.  I’m sure the ladies see similar buckets for guys but I obviously wouldn’t know much about that.  So feel free to share your own.  Regardless, in my experience, one should steer clear of any of these folks for the reasons stated.  Anyway, my favorite categories are:

Crazy Cat Lady in Training – She has as many photos of her cats on her dating profile as she does of herself and they are referred to as her babies (because she usually doesn’t have children).  Her cats (or dogs) are shown dressed for Halloween and various other holidays.  Yes, these women exist even in their early forties! 

The Max Density Lifer – These women are type A, typically with no children, who have developed interests and hobbies to fill the time and emotional void of being single and childless.  These hobbies have become obsessions and occupy a great deal of these people’s time.  Some are super athletes who run, mountain bike, road bike, or compete in (and train incessantly for) triathlons, etc.  Other time filling interests include horses, boating, and volunteering.  Don’t get me wrong; being in excellent health and engaging in activities that benefit the community can be great things.  But many of these people are undateable.  First, they really don’t have time to date because they’re training for this or that.  Plus, they tend to severely limit their dating pool, particularly in the case of the super athletes.  Because their obsession has become an integral part of their lives, dating someone who doesn’t share that enthusiasm is destined to fail. 

The Out of Work Trophy Wife – This group is my favorite.  These women are usually quite striking, even if their looks have faded a bit with age.  While I don’t take pleasure in anyone’s pain, it’s clear they’ve been traded in on a younger model and are a bit lost.  Their jobs, if they have one outside the house, tend to be of the dabbling type, yet they manage lavish vacations in Paris or Aspen, if they post photos from this decade.  So little doubt the lion’s share of their income stems from the great alimony package they’ve received from their rich ex-husband.  Unless you’re wealthy and don’t want a younger model, it’s best to steer clear of these women.  Without the rich husband and lavish lifestyle that came to define them, these women don’t really know who they are.  Most still long for that lavish lifestyle, so they’re seeking another wealthy partner (or they’re on seekingarrangements, looking for a sugar daddy).  They often suffer from low self-esteem, due to emotional neglect from their prior spouse (while he was amassing his fortune).  Regardless, they’re a gorgeous train wreck to avoid. 

The Trump Supporter – Nothing more to be said on this one.

The Asexual – This woman hasn’t had a sex drive since the 80’s, when her hormones were running amok.  Since then, she’s developed an unhealthy aversion toward intimacy.  She’s invariably uninteresting and not playful. 

Never Married / No Kids -  Probably what will be the most controversial on the list, it belongs just the same.  It's intentionally a two criteria segment because, while it may offend some readers, you haven't learned what true commitment is until you've had kids of your own.  Marriage can teach commitment, but not always.  Regardless, the women in this segment have made a commitment to neither marriage nor children.  Because the reasons vary, ranging from unrealistic expectations, to chronic immaturity, to mental illness, and so on, it's not feasible to create the perfect picture of this woman.  However, I've dated multiple women who fall into this category and, with only one exception, they've all been disasters.  This demographic was added after I'd originally published this entry (4/28/17), driven mostly by a woman I'd encountered, as chronicled in this entry.  However, that experience caused me to recall other instances where I'd either dated or considered dating someone who fell in this bucket.  And yes, they were all undatable.  

Okay, maybe that was humorous if you didn’t fall into one of those categories, but such is life.  Look for more internet dating rants in the coming weeks.

Happy Dating, Friends!

A Few Things I've Learned About Dating

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Good In The Sack Defined

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about lovers who were fantastic in the sack and what made them stand out.  Maybe it’s because the last two I’ve experienced left me a bit unsatisfied, for lack of a better word.  I know that sounds a bit harsh but perhaps I’ve reached a level of maturity where quality truly does matter more than quantity.  Although it makes for fun conversation with my married guy friends to brag about racking up numbers, it just doesn’t cut it for me, these days.  No, you’re not taking away my man card either.  What I’m trying to say is that, from a pure sex perspective, I want my partner to bring something to the party beyond her vagina.  I want to have my socks at least jostled, if not rocked, when I get into the sack.  Let’s face it, life’s too short to spend a bunch of time playing the game to find out he or she is a dud in bed.

What makes a woman good in the sack, to me?  (Obviously, the following babble will apply only to me but perhaps others will find insight from the points I’ll make)  After giving the topic some thought, I’ve come up with the following list (guys love lists!).  The best lovers I’ve experienced all have certain traits in common.  Some are amazing for different reasons than others.  But they all possess two or more of the below attributes in spades, along with a healthy ‘competency’ in the remaining areas.    

So, in no particular order…

1 – A willingness to be slutty – If you’ve read my previous entry on sluts, you’ll understand where I’m coming from.  Some of my most memorable encounters have been with women who allow themselves to embrace their slutty side.  They unapologetically need to be fucked and get off in as many ways as possible.  I’m not looking for a complete slut, per se, but things like dropping to your knees and taking me in your mouth, while standing on the deck, is always a nice surprise.  Tell me to fuck you like a dirty slut from time to time.  Beg me to pull out and shoot my hot cum all over your ass, tits, face, or belly.  Skip the underwear, occasionally, when we go to dinner; then tell me about it at the restaurant.  And let’s face it, what guy (other than the insecure ones) doesn’t get turned on watching a woman bring herself off for him? 

2 – Be open to new experiences – this is kind of a follow-on to number 1, particularly if you’re a slut in training.  The hottest example (those who have read previous posts might remember this one) I can offer is with a lover who I asked, while she had me in her mouth, ‘do you want to touch yourself while you’re sucking my cock?’  She reached back and began to play with her clit and orgasmed almost immediately.  Then she asked me if I’d like for her to move so I could have a better view of her touching herself.  Yes please!  One of the reasons the experience was so hot was that, afterward, she shared that she had never done anything like that for another partner and found the act very exciting.  In fact, she yelled at me for exposing her to the variation; ‘Every time I think about doing that to you, I wind up having to pull out my vibrator!’

My point is that the great thing about sex is it’s an experience that evolves the more you do it.  Or at least it should!  Doing the same thing, the same way, over and over, rarely holds my attention. 

3 – Tell me what you want – This is probably the one trait that stands above the others as a turn on, for me.  It’s an attribute that is shared by all the women who have rocked my world in the sack.  To be sure, I’m not saying I want someone who will guide me through the entire process like a rookie.  I think I’ve graduated beyond ‘insert Tab A into Slot B.  And trust me, I’ll figure out rather quickly how my partner’s wired (i.e. does she respond more to stimulation of her clit or g-spot).  What I’m referring to are things that even the more attentive men might miss or not be comfortable initiating.  Two examples that remain prominent in my ‘damn, that was hot’ memory happened to occur with the same woman.

The first might seem a bit tame, but it should be taken in context.  After our second date, she came back to my place for some high quality making out.  I really liked this woman and, surprising as this may sound, I’m somewhat old fashioned during the ‘getting to know you’ phase of what seems to be a genuine romantic relationship.  She didn’t strike me as being the kind of girl who would appreciate being pawed on the second date, so I was sticking to the kissing agenda.  Turns out she wanted to be pawed and let me know by grabbing my hand and placing it on one of her breasts.  I know it sounds silly but I found that to be pretty stimulating.  And a good time was had by all.

The other example is quite a bit hotter.  I’ll recount the entire evening at some point but the highlight was her telling me that watching a guy stroke his hard cock until it exploded turned her on.  She asked if I would do that for her and cum all over her tits.  Sure, it was hot…damn it was hot, but that act was not something I would typically suggest to a partner.  So, had she not asked, her lovely breasts would have remained unglazed and her fantasy wouldn’t have been made into reality.

4 – Take an active role – One of the things I pride myself on, is the skill to ensure sex with me is more of an experience than a standalone act.  Kind of like Disney World, but with sex toys.  Not going to go into details beyond that it’s about setting the right mood for the direction the evening’s play is going to take, usually keying off my partner’s vibes prior to the funky stuff.  I’m a Type A and very competitive, so my goal is to make my partner remember me with the right amount of dampness.  Physically, I’ll work my ass off to insure she walks away with a bit of stiffness in her thighs.  That being said, it’s nice, to occasionally not be the one to take the lead.  Even nicer is to ensure I get to cum, from time to time.  Yes, a guy just said that and this is not an alternate universe. 

You see, after 45 minutes of proper thrusting, one’s johnsonrod tends to become desensitized.  Plus, by that point, I’m hitting the wall, in terms of general stamina.  Throw in more than one partner who could be referred to as ‘gushers’ (where friction becomes almost non-existent), then add certain women’s tendency to buck their hips when they orgasm, and you wind up having a coronary before you have one of your own.  Again, I’m all about pleasing my partner but, if we’ve had sex half a dozen times and I haven’t had an orgasm, I’m probably gonna lose some interest.  Yeah, it’s nice to hear ‘you’ve screwed me into a catatonic state’ or ‘I think you broke me’ but, for cryin’ out loud, suck it up and finish me off once in a while!

5 – The right amount of submissiveness – Being a Type A personality, both in and out of the bedroom, it follows that I appreciate when my partner is on the submissive side.  Surprisingly, this isn’t as important as I’d initially thought.  In fact, there is such a thing as a partner being too submissive for me.  Exhibit A would be a woman I dated for a year or so.  She was incredibly sub in the sack.  It seemed that no matter what I envisioned in terms of dominating her, she would get more excited.  Tie her to the bed and violate her in nasty ways?  She was in.  Inflict pain and humiliation?  She’d be first in line.  You’d think that having what I would consider the ultimate fuck toy would be awesome.  And it was, for a while.  But I ultimately hit the realization, much like in some of the other examples, that I was doing all the work, all the time.  It seemed that there was more ‘doing to her’ than ‘doing things to each other’.  Sure, I pride myself on putting in the effort blah, blah, blah.  But, if I’m the only one putting in any effort in the bedroom, you’d better start putting effort elsewhere, like cleaning my kitchen.  Yes, that was a chauvinistic comment and I’ll own it.

6 – A Connection – Yep, it helps to respect the person you’re about to get naked with.  To want to spend time with them beyond the bedroom.  It makes you want to put the effort into making the experience as gratifying for both parties as possible.  Respect is so key for me, in terms of sleeping with someone.  As I told a woman I was dating, I truly can’t treat a woman like a whore unless I respect her. 

Respect builds trust and trust is crucial toward trying things that push your partner’s comfort envelope.  Without it, how can you ever expect him/her to live out your fantasy of having sex dressed as Rocky and Bullwinkle, while riding a unicycle through an actuarial convention?  It just isn’t gonna happen, no matter how you attempt to convince your partner how hot it would be. 

So, that’s my list.  Sure, there are other things that are nice to have, like your partner being vocal (but don’t blow out my eardrums while my head is next to yours!), but those are the attributes that I’ve found rock my world.

Which begs the question to my readers – what do you find to be world rocking in a partner?  I’d enjoy hearing what others find to be complete turn-ons.

Abandonment Issues - I Knew You'd Leave Me

Dating in your 40’s.  I’ve hit the point where I consider a root canal, followed by forced viewing of every Donald Trump speech to be preferable.  I’m literally exhausted by the process and becoming more disheartened by the day.  My fugue of futility comes from a realization I had a few weeks ago.  I used to bemoan that I wound up dating all the loons.  I did this quietly, because falling for loons says as much about you as it does the loons.  However, it’s become clear to me that the reason I wind up dating so many broken women is because 90% of all women are broken.  (It follows that 90% of single men in their 40’s are broken, but because I don’t date them, I have no firsthand knowledge.)  

Today’s installment of depression is brought to you by abandonment issues.  Can you say abandonment issues, boys and girls?  Sure, I knew you could. 

You see, the last two women I found myself absolutely smitten by were also affected by abandonment issues.  Unlike some other mental health issues, such as my personal fav borderline personality disorder, abandonment issues don’t always ‘suck you in’ on their own.  In fact, I’ve become quite adept at recognizing when I’m being sucked in and go through sort of a mental checklist with each woman I meet.  Does she only want to talk about me?  Has she not shared anything about her past?  Am I being positioned as the man who will save her from her horrible life?  For the record, ‘yes’ to any of these questions is not a good thing.  In many cases, abandonment issues won’t trip the typical alarms up front, which makes them that much more painful when they do show up. 

I’ll skip how abandonment issues tend to develop, because you’ve got the internet, and go straight to how they suck, at least for me.  Abandonment issues (AI) are essentially the fear of being abandoned.  While it may seem counter intuitive, those with AI will often push those they’ve come to care about away.  It becomes a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.  When they successfully push, they can scream (to themselves) ‘see, I knew he’d leave me!’  AI can cause other issues in relationships, but unlike some other mental health issues, they aren’t usually as terminal to that relationship.  It’s that pushing away that has killed two potentially special relationships for me in the past two months because I’ve fallen for the trap.

Worth noting is that in my 40’s, I can count the number of truly special connections I’ve had on one hand.  Even my now-ex-wife didn’t fall into that category.  Chalk some of that up to my own fear of intimacy (which I skipped blogging about).  But nonetheless, it’s an incredibly rare occurrence for me.  Therefore, when one goes to hell in a hand basket, it tends to leave a mark.  What’s strange is two of those have happened in the past three months. 

Late summer, I met someone who ticked every one of my boxes and it felt as though the heavens opened up.  She was the only woman I’ve ever met who I could see spending the rest of my life with.  Having not known her that long, whether I wanted to remained to be seen.  She seemed to share my feelings and the time we spent together was positively bliss.  Then came the pushing away.  As I was scared to death over beginning to fall for someone at all, I panicked, fell into her trap, and abandoned her.  After a few days, I began to recognize her abandonment issues (I’ve seen them before and diagnosed women before their therapists have) and tried to work things out with her.  But another fun part of AI is that once you’re labelled as a flight risk, you’ll never be allowed back into her heart.  So, I was fucked and left beating my head against the wall.

The most recent instance was just this morning.  Similar to the above except not quite as intense; but incredibly special nonetheless.  Just as before, I fell into her trap of pushing me away.  What makes me want to kick myself repeatedly is that I recognized her AI before and as she pushed me away.  You see, her MO of communication was identical to the woman above and there were clues within that pattern.  For example, despite the euphoria shared when together, communication is all but absent in between dates.  No, neither was screwing someone else; each had other commitments that absolutely precluded that.  See above comment about being pushed away.  I knew what was happening and resolved I wouldn’t fall into her trap.  Unfortunately, this one threw in an extra push that caused me to give in and abandon her.  Mother fucker…  While it doesn’t make the situation smart any less, at I’ve learned to not even bother trying to work things out.  So, this time, I’ve gone straight to head banging and muttering softly to myself. 

Crap Parents - The Sequel

In reading some of the comments to my Crap Parents blog post (Thank You!), a few parenting stories of my own have popped back into my head.  I’ll admit that the memories are somewhat bittersweet, as I no longer have contact with the step kids I grew to love as my own.  Distance and a vindictive ex-wife, unfortunately, were enough to seal that fate. 

Anyway, I thought I’d share some real world examples of my own on how not being afraid to be a hard ass as a parent, can be a good thing.  Both stories involve my step-daughter; the one with screaming ADHD and resulting impulse control issues.  Keep in mind, particularly for the second story, that I was known as the hard ass of the two parental figures in her life. 

One Saturday afternoon, I was alone in the house with my daughter.  She was planning to head to a music festival and was eagerly waiting for one of her friends to pick her up.  I knew she was excited about the concert, having mentioned it several times during the previous week.  At some point, my attention was drawn to noise coming from the street / cul de sac in front of our home.  Looking out, I saw a worn out Chrysler minivan attempting to do donuts.  I called up to my daughter and asked if that was her friend.  She said that wasn’t his car to which I responded that it had better not be because there was no way my daughter, step or otherwise, was riding with that idiot.  I was also pretty angry because we lived in a rather nice neighborhood; yes, part of it was being a snob but a larger part was because there were small children present. 

The next thing I knew, you guessed it, the minivan pulled into our driveway and honked the horn.  I reminded my daughter of the time honored father’s code of ‘if you honk your horn in my driveway, you’d better be dropping off a package because you ain’t picking up my daughter’, and made it very clear she was not riding with this moron.  She was not so happy but said she’d tell her friend she wasn’t going.  The next thing I know, the aforementioned friends (another friend had tagged along) were on my back deck, where I was smoking a cigar (still not sure what I ever saw in those things).  In a respectful tone, he asked why I wouldn’t allow my daughter to go with him.  After I laid out the reasons, he proceeded to explain to me why I was wrong.  To this day, I’m quite proud of myself for not having two bodies to bury in the back yard.  However, after about two minutes of discourse between the two of us, I informed him his departure would be a wise move.  A strange teenager telling a man he was dumb in his own home is tantamount to asking to have the living daylights beaten out of him. 

Numb nuts finally left and my daughter sequestered herself into her room.  Much as I wanted to just let things lie, I decided a good father would chat with his daughter about the event.  Knowing how much she was looking forward to the concert, I knew I’d be facing the untamed wrath of a teenage girl.  I knocked on her door and walked in.

Before I even got two words out of my mouth, my daughter jumped up and threw her arms around me.  With tears in her eyes, she told me how grateful she was to have me as her dad.  That she’d never had anyone she could count on to protect her until I came along.  To say I was shocked would be an understatement.  That moment still brings a tear to my eyes.

The other story I’d like to share happened about six months after their mother and I separated.  I was chatting with my step daughter and she told me how much she missed me.  She said that she missed the structure I brought as a parent.  This shocked me a bit and I jokingly reminded her of her and her brother’s comments about my being the hard ass parent.  And then she said something I’ll never forget, so long as I live.  ‘You were firm, but you were fair, and we always knew you loved us.’  Wow, pretty powerful stuff, at least for me.

Beyond recounting seemingly self-serving stories, my point is that kids need a healthy, repeat healthy, structure during their formative years.  Regardless of how much they fight it sometimes, they crave structure; they appreciate it.  Honestly, it’s sometimes easier to let things slide.  You think ‘I just don’t feel like dealing with the drama right now.  I’ll deal with it later.’  If you’re not prepared to enforce your rules, then don’t set them.

At the risk of going into full babble mode, I’ll share one more story.  I was with a female friend recently.  Her son had his three cousins staying with her for a few nights over the holidays, so there were four pre-teen boys in the house.  They were typical rambunctious kids and a lot of fun.  At 8:45 pm, she announced that lights out would be at 9:00.  9:00 came and went with no effect on the mayhem upstairs.  At 9:15, I reminded her of her lights out time.  She responded that they were just being boys and I shouldn’t be such a hard ass.  She completely missed the point!  I had no issue with the boys having fun.  What I had an issue with was her drawing a line in the sand and walking away from it.

You might read this and think I ran my home like Army basic training.  You’d be wrong.  I didn’t have rules for everything; trust me, I’ve seen the damage that can do to kids.  Rules and limits were in place where it made sense.  When rules were broken, there were consequences commensurate with the importance of the rule.  Those consequences were consistent and uniformly enforced.