Dating - Expectations and Updates

When I wrote my entry on dating in your 40's, I thought I'd covered the topic fairly well.  However, I recently had an experience that pushed what I considered an abnormal dating pitfall into the primary group.  

I'd been emailing with a lovely woman, who seemed like a great catch.  Educated, funny, very attractive, yada yada yada.  We decided to chat on the phone and had an interesting and enjoyable conversation. The next day, she sent me an email that contained the following:

I must be honest though, I felt like I was talking to a long lost buddy, not someone I thought I might date. I'm not writing it off, I simply didn't fall asleep pondering the what ifs. I think that's what I was hoping for.  

Wait, what???   

While many have become jaded, everyone desires the fairy tale 'happily ever after', whether they'll openly admit it or not.  Most of us who are dating have the desire to find a love that will last the rest of our lives.  Some, both with and without some sort of mental health issues, tend to dive into a serious relationship more quickly than others.  I've been guilty of doing so occasionally, in the past.   

However, expecting to discover that perfect match / soulmate / love of your life in an initial phone call is just ludicrous for a host of reasons that I think are self-evident.  Sorry, but I'm not feeling the need to sugar coat, today.  There must be some insane level of magic that's gotta go down for that to happen!    Personally, I've never experienced it nor have I ever encountered someone who claims it happened to them.  One thing is for certain though; had someone told me they'd imagined the future with me, after the first phone call, Mo Farah would have looked like he was standing still compared to the speed I exhibited in running away.

She went on to conclude with: This may add to the reasons I am single.
Gee, ya think?

Before our phone conversation, she shared that the great love of her life was married to another woman.  That somewhat set the stage for her expectations to be somewhat out of sync with reality.  I'll save my thoughts on that situation for another post.  

That brings us back to the beginning, where I mention omissions in my original dating entry.  While I touched on unrealistic expectations, that section should probably be a bit more robust.  If you revisit the blog, you'll see I explicitly state that those in the various segments should be avoided and a new one has been added.  

Never Married / No Kids - Probably what will be the most controversial on the list, it belongs just the same.  It's intentionally a two criteria segment because, while it may offend some readers, you haven't learned what true commitment is until you've had kids of your own.  Marriage can teach commitment, but not always.  Regardless, the women in this segment have made a commitment to neither marriage nor children.  Because the reasons vary, ranging from unrealistic expectations, to chronic immaturity, to mental illness / fear of commitment / inability to love, and so on, it's not feasible to create the perfect picture of this woman.  However, I've dated multiple women who fall into this category and, with only one exception, they've all been disasters.

In addition, it may be a good idea to revisit our own expectations, with respect to a potential partner, and ask ourselves whether they're reasonable, complete fantasy, or potentially harmful to our own well being.  

With that, I wish you happy dating, friends!