Of Alligators and Mental Illness

There was once a man who loved alligators.  He loved them so much that he decided to keep one as a pet.  He named it George and he loved George dearly.  He gave George only the best alligator food and kept him well fed.  He would spend hours talking to George lovingly, giving him massages, and bathing him.  Every day, he told George how much he loved him and that they should be kind to each other.  Then, one day, George wrapped his jaws around the man’s head and killed him.  When the man reached St. Peter’s gates, he was in great conflict.  Had he not loved George enough, that George mauled him?  St. Peter looked at the man and said ‘What did you expect? It’s an alligator, you moron, and that’s what alligators do, they bite people!’

The moral of the story is that some creatures will behave in a certain way, because they’re hard wired to do so.  There’s no logic and no amount of reasoning that will change that behavior.

At this point, I'm certain you're wondering what the hell this has to do with my normal blog content.  This isn't Animal Planet, numb nuts!

The reason for sharing the story is because, like alligators, people can become hard wired for certain behavior.  In both animals, that wiring exists for their own survival or to prevent them from being harmed.  The behavior, in humans, is often learned (nurture over nature) and is usually the result of some sort of emotional trauma(s) in their lives.  This behavior is often irrational and in many cases, self-destructive.  However, it's just as predictable and unchanging as that of the alligator in our story.

And, just like the alligator in our story, you can't change their behavior / response, no matter what you do.  You can point out their behavior as irrational, abnormal, and every other similar adjective under the sun, yet they will remain resolute in their reasons why what they did makes sense.  Or they'll run away, if you've hit home with your argument.  However, they'll almost never reverse course.

This is why I will often refer to women who exhibit certain irrational behavior as alligators.  As always, I'll stipulate that men can also be alligators, but since I only date women, I can't speak to men's behavior.

Because I have the most experience with those suffering with abandonment issues, I'll use it an example.  The quick and dirty is that as the name implies, those suffering from the condition have an irrational fear of being abandoned.  This is often the result of some sort of abandonment they experienced.  One of the women I dated, who had the the worst abandonment issues I've encountered (short of my borderline ex-wife), could all but serve as a textbook illustration of cause and effect.  Through normal conversation, I discovered that her mother was mostly absent, during her childhood.  She had been married twice; the first husband died of cancer and the second told her, out of the blue, that he no longer loved her and wanted a divorce.  Three very important people in this woman's life had either neglected her or abandoned her.  These experiences affected her behavior in the same way as other women I've met, suffering with abandonment issues.  She tended to rush into new relationships, but only after attempting to push her new partner away (as a test to determine whether he represented a likely flight risk), and when she identified a man as a likely flight risk, she ran like hell.

And that's one of the behaviors you can count on from someone afflicted with abandonment issues.  At the first sign you may be a flight risk (perceived or real), that person will disengage and run.  I know this because I've been there.  When the woman above pushed me away, I began to disengage, thinking she wasn't interested.  Once that happened, I was banished.  It was about that time, via subsequent communication, I discovered her abandonment issues.

As noted, you can't reason, debate, bribe, threaten, or argue your way back into their lives.  Or, if you manage the remarkable, you'll be inexorably relegated to the friend zone.  I've got first hand experience on this one.

One more quick example, comes from my borderline ex-wife (who I'll write about in greater detail soon).  When I ended our marriage, I instantly became her sworn enemy.  You see, borderline personality disorder is sort of abandonment issues on steroids squared.  And to a borderline, abandoning them is a cardinal sin equal in magnitude to killing their kids.  Actually worse.  So, I knew she would try to punish me and throw every dirty trick, she could conjure, at me.  Nothing she did surprised me and in some ways, my understanding helped, because I new it wasn't 'personal'.  Likewise, I ran into traffic and ran late, on a run to collect some belongings.  I knew this was a hot button for borderlines and therefore, I'd face her unadulterated wrath, which I did.

Some readers may wonder why so much of my blog revolves around mental illness and relationships with those suffering from it.  First, I write about my experiences, and I've been involved with a number of women who suffer from mental illness.  Also, abnormal behavior both fascinates and frustrates me.  Some of the behavior exhibited, as the result of a mental disorder, can be maddening, when you're on the receiving end.  As humans, we desire order and consistency.  The sky is blue, the grass is green, and the sun rises in the East.  But alligators may believe with every fiber of their being that the grass is purple and will attempt to convince you of that until their dying breath.  You wind up sitting there, your mouth agape and eyebrows raised, trying to wrap your head around what they've just done.  The worst case is that the irrational behavior has caused pain, because it came from someone you care about.

Now, when I refer to someone as an alligator, you'll understand the meaning behind it.

How many of you have been affected by an alligator?

Asking For What You Need

In just the past couple of months, I've taken some harsh criticism for something I take very seriously, not being there to support someone I love.  Both accusations came from women; they hurt but also, to be blunt, pissed me off.  Why?  Because, in both instances, I wasn't aware they needed my support until I was accused of neglecting them.  And that's the theme of this blog.

If you want something, ask for it!

This goes for anything you may need someone you love to provide for you.  Support, sex, a shoulder to cry on, dinner out, whatever.  However, we're not talking about another Prada bag or giving up golf.  You're on your own for those sorts of things.

Before I go any further, let's get it out in the open; it's pretty much the men who are guilty of falling short in relationships.  We all know it so I won't couch this entry by saying it applies to both sexes; it doesn't.

People in general, and men in particular, can't be expected to read minds.  Take asking for emotional support as an example.  Men are typically brought up to not show emotion; it's seen as weakness.  Therefore, we almost never ask for someone to 'be there' for us.  We're just not wired to consider that as an option, so that need doesn't pop into our head.  If your entire family gets eaten by a herd of hippos, but you're soldiering onward, wearing a brave face, we think you've got it under control.  About the only time we'll know you need us is if you're bleeding out on the floor after a knife fight.

I'll say it again - If you need something from your partner or close friend, ask for it.  I'm not, in any way, saying you don't deserve what you're asking for.  And whatever it is may be supremely self-evident to you.  But even the most thoughtful guy is going to miss certain things from time to time.  And I'll speak for the male gender when I say we're happy to do things in order to support you.  Your happiness is very important to us.  So ask for what you need.

If you don't ask, then don't complain, because you have no right to.

He should have known about whatever it is he missed?  Perhaps, but, for whatever reason, he didn't.

Silence is tacit acceptance of what you're receiving from those around you, regardless of whether you deserve what they're not giving you.

I'll use the two women I mentioned as examples.  Those who've read my other posts will recognize both of them.  We'll start with my recent friend dumper.  It seems she was upset that I wasn't there for her during the holidays, which are a difficult time for reasons I won't share here.  Honestly, I'd forgotten, because she's always been the master of soldiering on.  I hadn't been around due to my own self-centered issues and tough time, but that's not important.  When I reached out, post holidays, she gave me the silent treatment and continues to.

When a friend isn't there for you, but you need them, which is the better option?
a) Friend 1 - 'Hey, if you're around, I could use some company.  This time of year is a bit rough for me.'
    Friend 2 - 'Sure, when do you want me to come over?  Should I bring cake?'

or

b) Silence, followed by being resentful and angry enough to cut ties with your best friend.

She indicated, on social media, that had I offered an apology, she'd have likely accepted it.  That information was a bit tough to come by, since she'd completely cut me off.  Should I have known to send an apology?  Probably.  I fucked up with her.  But obviously, I didn't.

Again, choose the better option:
a) Friend 1 - 'You suck as a friend!  You disappeared when I needed you.  You know the holidays are tough for me.'
   Friend 2 - 'Oh shit, I forgot about that.  I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you.  You deserve better from me.'

or

b) Friend 1 - Silence

The other person is the woman I was dating while I was ignoring former friend's needs for me to be there.  She was going through a challenging phase of her divorce and it was weighing heavily on her.  However, she was, wait for it, soldiering on.  After we broke up, she complained that I wasn't there for her during that tough time.

In both cases, I'm obviously sympathetic to their situation.  However, when it comes to my not being there, the blame doesn't fall solely on me.  Unless she got the bargain unit, the silver thing friend dumper carries around not only receives phone calls and emails, but it also initiates outgoing messages.  She should try it sometime; it's really awesome.  With respect to the apology, had she asked, I would have offered one; she was my best friend and I loved her for it.  But rather than ask for what she needed, both my time and an apology, she ended our friendship.

In the case of the other woman, I was in the same damned room with her, when she claims I wasn't there for her.  Yes, I was busy making Christmas cookies, but she never gave so much as a hint she needed my shoulder.  Yet she bitched just the same after the fact.

In both cases, their needs were clearly justified, reasonable, and well deserved.  Yet when they didn't receive what they needed, they didn't ask.

I'll repeat this one more time:  Had either of the two asked for me to support them, I would have dropped everything to provide that support, no questions asked.

Ultimately, we must take responsibility for our own needs, even if we're forced to rely on someone else to meet them.  Don't allow yourself fall into the trap of becoming bitter over something you could have received had you simply asked.

Socks

The most thought provoking, titillating topic of the day - socks. My question is why on God's green earth I can't buy a pack of blue socks where all three pair are identical???? But nooooo....you'll get three different pairs, including one you wouldn't wear to change to scoop out a septic tank, it's so ugly.

And you know damned well that one of those new socks will make a break for sock heaven, whether it be in the recesses of the dryer or behind a piece of furniture. But instead of having two pair left, with a reserve, you've got two pair and an orphan bastard of a sock that you'll have to put out of its misery.

I'd ask the question of who thought this was a good idea but I know the answer. The sock manufacturer! It's a win win for them. They move the ugly styles that the boss's son in law ordered. Plus, they know that smart guys like me will order two packs to ensure they have backups. Well, no more, I'm taking a footwear stand!

Oh, I do have more important things on my mind than socks but I just got done ordering some and decided to vent.

A Word to the Separated and Those Who Might Date Them

Between what I'm about to write and my entry on dating in your 40's, one might get the impression that I've got some sort of vendetta against separated people.  Nothing could be further from the truth; I've got the t-shirt from when I went through it myself.  I absolutely think that separated people deserve a break; they're going through the hell of their marriage ending.  But that doesn't make them any more capable of a relationship than a Tasmanian devil is at styling your hair.  In both instances, someone's probably gonna get hurt.

I dated while I was separated and only realized later how much of an emotional bull in a china shop I'd been.  On the other side of the fence, I've dated separated women and received some of my deepest bruises from them.  In fact, not one of the separated women I've dated has been remotely ready to engage in a relationship.  Therefore, I have an ironclad rule to not date women who've not been divorced.  Being not so bright, I recently violated that rule and paid the price...again.

With that out of the way, let's get to it.   We'll begin by understanding what the separated person feels.  Please note that while this entry tends to be centered on women, the most of the same commentary applies to men.

Failure
Your marriage is ending.  It was the most important relationship in your life and you failed to keep it alive.  You failed!!!!  That's what your subconscious is screaming, over and over.  Regardless of the circumstances that the marriage ended under, you still failed.  Even if, realistically, there was nothing you could have done to save your marriage and the blame genuinely belongs at the feet of your spouse...You Failed!.  The voice will continue to yell at you for quite awhile, whether you deserve it or not.

I know this because, in addition to asking various women I've dated and a few mental health professionals, I've been there myself.  My now ex-wife had undiagnosed borderline personality disorder.  If you know anything about the condition, you understand there was no way I could have saved my marriage.  I knew it too, yet, the screaming was there.  You failed!

So, what's the first thing that many people want to do, once they're separated from their spouse?  They want to prove they're capable of building a solid relationship.  I'm not a failure!!!  I'll show you!!!  They want to prove their voice wrong and jump back into the dating pool.  Wait a minute.  You just crashed an F-14 and killed Goose.  Yet, you want to jump right back in the cockpit?  Do you think that's a good idea, Mav?

The Blame Game
Whether it be in business or our personal lives, when something goes horribly wrong, it's human nature to assign blame to the parties or things we believe to be at fault.  If we're interested in not repeating the same mistakes, we dig a bit deeper to understand the 'why' in addition to the 'who'.  And so it goes, as your mind attempts to determine why your marriage failed.  With the exception of the truly reckless (of which there are many more than you'd want to believe), we all do this and we should.  George Santayana was absolutely spot on when he wrote about those who ignore history repeating it.  This is all well and good, right?  It would be except that damned subconscious can continue to be a real bastard, telling you things that may not be true and potentially harmful.

We'll use a real world example to illustrate.  I dated a woman (actually two, now that I think about it) whose husband repeatedly cheated on her.  Blame and responsibility fall squarely on the scumbag husband for completely desecrating his marriage vows.  She should be able to walk away as unscathed as one can in a divorce, right?  That would be the case, except her subconscious said you must have done something to make him cheat.  You weren't enough for him.  You're too unattractive to excite a man.  It's all your fault because you're a worthless person.  If that weren't enough, this wonderful man constantly criticized  and body shamed her.  She told me she knew he was a jackass and ignored his jibes, but her behavior told me it had made a deep and lasting impression.  I didn't realize how much she'd been damaged until after we broke up; her self-esteem had been demolished and she had abandonment issues in spades.  I know what you're thinking:  Wow, she must have been a basket case and kind of a loser.  Except, you'd be wrong.  She was an amazing woman, smart as hell, witty, incredibly attractive, very successful, and well respected by all who knew her, personally and professionally.  When we were together, I often marveled at how I'd gotten so lucky to have her in my life.  And I fell hard for her, for all the right reasons.  Yet, she ended our relationship because she was afraid I had begun to see her flaws, 'knew' I was going to leave her, and believed I deserved someone much better than her.

As you can imagine, the outcome hurt us both terribly, but there was no convincing her that her perceived flaws were anything but.  I did everything I could to save that relationship, but her mind wouldn't accept that I wasn't going to leave her.  And she's not the first woman I've encountered with these sorts of issues; I've seen it time and again, including the woman who got physically ill over how kind I was to her.

Even if your situation is less dramatic than these examples, you've still been bumped and bruised more than you realize or care to admit to yourself.  The simple act of your spouse leaving you speaks volumes to the back of your mind.  I wasn't enough for him/her.    Even if you left your spouse because they had neglected you, that voice is still saying you weren't worthy of the attention.

Even if your marriage sucked huge donkey appendages, it was likely consistent.  You could count on your spouse acting a certain way, but more importantly, you could count on them being there.  Suddenly, you're in the Sea of Unknown.  Some people are explorers and embrace the unknown; they find it exciting.  But, for most of the population, the unknown sucks.  All the more reason to seek something stable.  

Affecting my best Magnum PI voice, I know what you're thinking.  I know I'm not ready for another relationship so soon, so I'll keep it casual.  You know, just date for the fun of it and to take care of my social and sexual needs.  Yeah, I've heard that exact phrase uttered more than once.  Think about it.  You've had this gaping hole in your life for how long and it's opened up to epic proportions, now that you've become separated.  Once you find someone who you like, they'll become your knight in shining armor and you'll hold on to them for dear life.  The desire for validation is incredibly strong, whether you admit it to yourself or not.  Your casual relationship just became the great love of your life.  That is right up to where he leaves because you're a basket case.  Regardless of what you tell yourself, that need, that desire to be cared for again will leave your plans to be casual shattered in pieces on the floor, along with your heart.

Does Time Heal?
In my experience, how long someone's been separated has little to do with how well they've dealt with the emotions.  Time does not heal all wounds.  In fact, time can make them worse.  The one that tripped me in the past was the assertion it was over for a long time; we just recently made it formal.  Yeah, it's not really over, if you're still living in the same house.  Physically separating triggers your brain to say this shit's real.  So, take my advice and find a solid therapist to work through the truckload of emotions that have been dumped on you, before you consider dating again.

The Divorce
Let's say you've done that.  You've worked through the emotions and implemented coping skills going forward.  As I'm always the bearer of bad news, I'll point out it ain't over yet.  Now, you're in for the stress of the divorce process, itself, and all the feelings that come with it.  When it comes to divorce, you won't find many where there isn't at least some rather unpleasant wrangling, whether it be financial, custody of the kids, or the house in Boca.  You won't recognize your spouse because they'll pull nasty tricks you didn't think they had in them.  Yes, divorce is the gift that keeps on giving and if you were fortunate enough to make yourself ready to date, I guarantee any relationship you may have begun will suffer through the divorce process.  Admittedly, this challenge isn't a killer, but it sucks none the less.

The Chrysalis and Butterfly
There's one last phenomenon I've encountered that can negatively impact those who would date someone who's separated.   That's what I refer to as the Reinvention.  You've been married to someone for so long.  You've had to give up your interests because your spouse didn't want to be a part of your journey.  You couldn't explore the world, take part in satanic rituals, join the Peace Corps, and so on.  But now you're free to do as you wish.  Screw you, underprivileged kids in the third world, here I come!  The drastic change can be motivated by just a desire to reinvent yourself.  Or it could be done out of spite.  It may be a minor life change; for example, I've seen more new body piercings and fresh tattoos on separated women than you can shake a stick at.

Timing can vary and may be constrained by the law in certain states, where you are prevented from certain types of life changes while separated.  So, the reinvention might occur during the separation or after the divorce is final.  As someone dating a separated person, you run the risk of suddenly dating a completely different person than who you thought you were.

Boomerang
The first potential pitfall that most people think of, when it comes to dating someone who's separated is the danger they'll go back to their spouse.  For me, that's never been an issue; none of the separated women I've dated have waffled the slightest when it came to their desire for a divorce. That's why the first is the last, in this entry.

Minor Silver Lining
There is one potential positive about dating a separated woman.  If her marriage was long and unsatisfying, there may very well be a few long held fantasies she's dying to finally live out.  They can be kind of fun and allow you to be a complete god in the bedroom.  No, you can't see the pictures.

Summary
For those who are separated, I'm not saying you absolutely shouldn't date, solely based upon your status.  Rather, I think it's important to have a full grasp on your emotional well being, before you go charging out into the dating world.  You've dealt with a major life change and by definition, it's impacted you a great deal; almost certainly more than you'll admit to yourself.  Above all, be honest with yourself.

For those who might date someone who's separated, consider this.  Unless you're a mental health guru, you won't spot the crucial signs that something's not right with this person you're dating until it's too late.  Hell, you may not even spot it after things collapse.  No matter how broken someone is they'll almost certainly be able to offer a plausible explanation for why they're not; often they're in complete denial.  Conversely, you may very well encounter someone who's completely taken charge of their emotional health, in positive manner.  Ultimately, you'll have to decide whether you can beat the odds or not.  And to be clear, a divorce decree, in and of itself, is meaningless when it comes to low self-esteem, abandonment issues, fear or intimacy, etc. because there are an amazing amount of divorced people, who've never gotten desperately needed treatment.

With that, I wish all of my separated and divorced readers true happiness.

The Smell of Dog

I’m a serious dog lover, but this is the first time in my life I’ve not owned one. My travel schedule makes having a furry companion unrealistic. I just couldn’t board a dog that frequently, particularly since my choice would be a large one. Were that not the case, I’d have dognapped my border collie from my ex-wife by now. As border collies tend to be, she’s wicked smart and incredibly loyal. When we rescued her, I decided I would learn how to train her and began reading about clicker training. At the time my marriage ended, she knew over a dozen hand signals, three times as many voice commands, and I swear she could read my mind, sometimes. 

When I left the marriage and moved to Richmond, I found myself with two needs. The first was to find a way to make the world a better place. As a result of being married to a borderline (see previous blogs), I’d become a bitter and selfish, and wasn’t happy with the man that stared back at me in the mirror. That needed to change. The second need I had was a way to get a dog fix without owning one. The solution seemed simple, so I began researching local rescue organizations. The Richmond SPCA has trainers on staff as well as a team of volunteers educated on behavior modification, so I began volunteering there. Understandably, I had to put in some sweat equity before they’d let me actually train dogs, so my first volunteer job was as a dog walker. Having developed knowledge of canine behavior modification, it didn’t take long to be selected for the team and additional training. We focus on both training techniques as well as reading canine body language. You might be surprised at all the things a dog can tell you, if you know how to listen. 

Our projects cover the gamut and really depend on what dogs have needs. Today, I worked with three dogs. The first was recovering from surgery. He needed to get some exercise, but not too much; work the leg but don’t damage it. It’s a bit much to ask normal volunteers to understand where that sweet spot lies, so our team takes over. Plus, he flat out needed some quality time not in his kennel. The second had not been socialized and needed to learn to be a dog. She also really needs to learn to take treats without ripping my fingers off. The third was dog aggressive, so we worked on focus (gaining it back when she sees another dog) as well as a few other things. We’ll also work with dogs who are stressed in the shelter environment; really, they all are but some are much worse than others. If a dog has a bad habit, that might prevent them from being adopted, we’ll work on that. My first project dog was this massive pit bull who got so excited when you came to visit that he’d knock you right over. I taught him that he would lose the thing he wanted most (me) if he jumped. He learned manners and got adopted within a week. We really do run the gamut of what we tackle. Regardless, our goal is to give each dog the best opportunity at being adopted. 

We tend not to get involved with the adoption process, itself, although I’ve had project dogs who were quite special to me. For those, I’ve been known to work families over, if I feel they’ll take care of my baby. That’s the odd thing about this sort of work. It can be easy to get attached to the occasional project dog, because you spend so much time with it. So, when they get adopted, you’re torn between sadness over losing your friend and joy because they’re part of a family, who’ll love them constantly and not just for a dozen hours each week. 

Aside from raising my stepchildren to be productive adults, the work I do at the shelter is the most rewarding thing I’ve done in my life. Knowing I’m helping dogs find forever homes with families who love them makes it all worthwhile. Plus, I get my dog fix and get drooled on to my heart’s desire. I’m exhausted and smell like dog, but I can’t think of a better way to spend an afternoon.

Dating Profile of the Week - January 28, 2016

This is sort of a follow on to my post on internet dating face palms, in which I highlight one or more dating profile as a perfect example of the sorts of things I wrote about.  They're the people you just can't wait to meet (sarcasm alert).

There may be more than one per week, or not.  I'll post them as I find them.

Today's profile comes from Plenty of Fish and user datingsucks70.  Her username alone portends of some promising material.  I'd previously run across her profile and it was one of a number that served as source material for my face palm blog.  I'd planned to let her remain anonymous until I saw she'd changed her headline to I see I won't have much luck in Virginia.  You just can't open that profile quickly enough, when you see that sort of eye catcher luring you in.  

'Sucks' tells potential suitors I already spent 16 years in a failed marriage where I was never the top priority. I was listed somewhere after his job, the pets and alcohol. I do not want to do that again and I deserve much more. I am not to opposed to dating men with children but if you have them please be open to flexibility and allowing someone else to share your life and time with them. Please do not spend our date criticizing your ex. I have run into so many men that bring the baggage of their divorce into their new relationships. 

I really hate to say this but if you are divorced and going through mega-dysfunction with your ex and a custody saga, do not contact me. After meeting six guys on here who spent most of their time on our dates arguing with their ex's attorney over who gets the kids on Earth Day, I cannot take it anymore. 

So warm and seductive; it makes you want to reach out immediately, in the hopes that you could spend time with such a rare gem.  She does share a bit about herself, which I found to be quite interesting, but the material that exudes bitterness dominates her profile.  What's unfortunate is that 'sucks' is an otherwise great catch, at least for me.  She's attractive, educated, with diverse interests, and well traveled.  Even better (for me), she's divorced with no children.  But which woman would you be dating?  The bitter and jaded one or the cultured and engaging one?  I, for one, have no interest in playing those odds.  

Happy Dating, Friends!

Internet Dating - The Chuckles, Rants, and Face Palms

Let me start off by saying that, aside from sociopaths, most everyone deserves to find their perfect mate.   But one begins to wonder what constitutes a perfect match for most of the women I've seen on dating sites.  (Yes, I'm picking on women again; it's that whole straight, don't date men thing.  The men will take their lumps in my next blog.)  Taken at face value, one begins to wonder if they should be living on their own.  

So, let's poke fun at internet dating profiles and such. Yes, this is a rant, with profanity and name calling and miles below my normal standard of writing.  But I had to get it out, people.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

Before I go any further, I'll admit that I find writing that initial email to a woman to be somewhat stressful.  I've already performed a criteria analysis, as outlined in my entry on Dating in Your 40's, and consider the intended recipient to be a potentially good match.  For me, there are very few women who even pass this first test.  Next comes actually writing a note that will engage the recipient in a way that points out some commonalities, expresses an interest in something they wrote, or in general, demonstrates that I've taken the time to read their profile.  But so many profiles are lacking in the content that allows me to accomplish any of those things.  Most of us are on the site to find a meaningful relationship, yet most people can't be bothered to actually share what they're about. 

So, what does one find on dating profiles?  Let's take a look!

On the 'no content' side, the sentiments I see most frequently are as follows.  Keep in mind that, in many cases, a profile will contain nothing what I've noted.  

 - 'Just ask.' - You've got nothing else on your profile.  How the fuck would I know what to even ask about?  Have you ever been to Scandinavia or neutered a hippo?  Do you swallow or have inverted nipples?

- 'I don't like to talk about myself' - Then I'm going to assume you're not worthy of being talked about.  

Seriously, unless you want endless emails from guys who just want to screw you, prove you're sentient!  

Moving along to the 'might as well be no content' list, we'll start with my two favorites, which are:
- 'I love the beach / water'
&
- 'I love to laugh' - Wow, so do I!  So does 99.9999% of the free world!  The same percentage that thinks being waterboarded wouldn't be fun, but no one mentions that in their profile.  Personally, I'd like to know if someone liked waterboarding more than if they liked to laugh.  As you can tell, this one in particular makes me crazy.

These two usually come in a combo package and I swear 80% of the dating profiles I've read contain them, frequently with nothing beyond them.  Ladies, those attributes don't make you unique or even give a clue about what you're like!  Seriously, if every woman's dating profiles are the same, can women really blame guys for choosing the women with the biggest racks?

- My kids are my life - Well, they damned well better be!  Again, you have to spell that out?  Just once, I'd like to read my two illegitimate kids are a major irritation, but at least both their daddies have started paying support, the deadbeats.

Next, we have negativity; so much negativity...
- These are the profiles that shout what the author doesn't want.  I've seen drama, men who are emotionally unavailable, cheat, lie, are players or serial daters, sociopaths, have issues with mental health, baby mommas, the law, and a few that I've forgotten.  

Listen genius, do you honestly think men who the above apply to are going to say Gee, I'm a sociopath, but she said she doesn't want one of those, so I'll move on.?  Do you even think men who fall into most of those categories know they fit in those categories?  News flash:  You're likely fucked up too, and I bet you haven't figured it out.  Do you think Ted Bundy would have passed most of his victims by if they'd specified they didn't want to be involved with a serial killer?

I get it, you've been burned before and no one enjoys that.  I've been the recipient of a scorched heart as well.  But the only thing you're accomplishing, by throwing all of that garbage in your profile is sounding like a bitter bitch.  I don't want to date a bitter bitch and I'm guessing neither do most men. 

As an honorable mention, I'll finish up with serious inquiries only.  Were you getting completely absurd and comedic inquiries?  Again, I've seen profiles with only those three words on them.  The best was when the woman couldn't even be bothered to take spelling seriously.  Her profile read Serious injuries only.  I don't want none of that sprained ankle shit; you come to me with some head trauma or amputation!

Of course, some rather talented women manage to work several of the above into a profile (and nothing else).  Here's what I don't want.  I love to laugh.  Anything else, just ask.

Over the past few years, I've been on Match, Plenty of Fish, and OkCupid.  Admittedly, the vast majority of the above offenders are on POF, which likely has to do with its cost to join, which is nothing.  It does seem to reflect its client base.  The really frustrating thing about POF is I rarely get responses from women on that site, but have regular interaction on the others.  God's honest truth, I've had the same woman ignore an email I sent on POF, then send me an unsolicited email on Match.  One of life's little mysteries.

One head scratcher that seems to only take place on POF is confusion over your level of education.  I've seen several profiles of women who have unskilled jobs like bus driver and a profile that a second grader could have written better, which there's nothing wrong with, if that's what you've got.  But these same women list themselves as having a graduate degree.  I guess the thought is I graduated, so I must have a graduate degree.

Ultimately, the wisdom I'd like to impart is read your profile, pretending someone else wrote it, and ask yourself whether you'd be interested in dating that person.

Before we move away from profiles, a quick word on photos.  Yes, you may have been absolutely stunning in the 90's, you out of work trophy wife, but it's not relevant to us who might date you now.  Put some current pictures up, for crying out loud.

Conversation
So, I've found a woman with a well-written profile and sent her a lovely note.  If she responds, I've found she's as likely as not to phone in the email conversation.  Seriously people, have you forgotten how to carry on a conversation, using basic communication skills?  In order to be successful and rewarding, a conversation requires both parties be engaged.  After sending a well written note to a woman, it's not uncommon to receive a sentence fragment in return, usually one that affords no opportunity to extend the conversation.  Examples include 'my day was good', in response to sharing an interesting event of the day and asking a few questions.  

Just today, I had a second email exchange with a woman; I'd sent her a note, last night, as above (events and follow up questions).  This morning, she responded with 'good morning'.  WTF?  Are you going to ignore the last note I sent you, altogether?  It went downhill from there and I broke it off.

And these are all educated women, who should know better!!!

When a woman reaches out first, more chances than not, you'll experience the final hair puller of this rant.  She'll send a note that's these three words and nothing else 
How are you?
Are you telling me that after reading my admittedly long profile, that you couldn't find anything to use as a conversation starter?  That's really all you have to say to get my attention?  I'll pat myself on the back for resisting the temptation to respond that It's a kickass day, because I'm finally off parole and the paternity tests came back negative.  That's what the bitch gets for giving me the clap.

In fact, I'm proud to say I've only trolled one unimaginative woman, who managed to catch me in a mood, one day.  The best an attorney could come up with was Any plans for the weekend?  I responded Yes.  That's what the bitch deserves for giving me the clap!

It goes without saying the blame for this decline in conversational skills stems from the proliferation of apps and the culture of text messaging.  You just can't build a genuine, engaging note on your phone.  Pick up your tablet or sit in front of your pc and show you're capable of more than two sentences worthy of a third grader!

At this point, I'll ask you, my readers, am I completely out of my mind for wanting to be engaged?  Is it unreasonable to not want to expend the time and effort to discover if a woman has something interesting to say?  Note, that there's still the minor matter of considering compatibility.  Perhaps I'm just not with the times and stuck in the past.  After all, these same women who can't be bothered to write a real email obviously meet other men and find success, because they come and go from these sites.  So, I ask my readers, what am I missing?

Finally, as I find new and even more neurotic profiles, I'll post screen shots.  Perhaps we can enjoy the profile of the week.