Socks

The most thought provoking, titillating topic of the day - socks. My question is why on God's green earth I can't buy a pack of blue socks where all three pair are identical???? But nooooo....you'll get three different pairs, including one you wouldn't wear to change to scoop out a septic tank, it's so ugly.

And you know damned well that one of those new socks will make a break for sock heaven, whether it be in the recesses of the dryer or behind a piece of furniture. But instead of having two pair left, with a reserve, you've got two pair and an orphan bastard of a sock that you'll have to put out of its misery.

I'd ask the question of who thought this was a good idea but I know the answer. The sock manufacturer! It's a win win for them. They move the ugly styles that the boss's son in law ordered. Plus, they know that smart guys like me will order two packs to ensure they have backups. Well, no more, I'm taking a footwear stand!

Oh, I do have more important things on my mind than socks but I just got done ordering some and decided to vent.

A Word to the Separated and Those Who Might Date Them

Between what I'm about to write and my entry on dating in your 40's, one might get the impression that I've got some sort of vendetta against separated people.  Nothing could be further from the truth; I've got the t-shirt from when I went through it myself.  I absolutely think that separated people deserve a break; they're going through the hell of their marriage ending.  But that doesn't make them any more capable of a relationship than a Tasmanian devil is at styling your hair.  In both instances, someone's probably gonna get hurt.

I dated while I was separated and only realized later how much of an emotional bull in a china shop I'd been.  On the other side of the fence, I've dated separated women and received some of my deepest bruises from them.  In fact, not one of the separated women I've dated has been remotely ready to engage in a relationship.  Therefore, I have an ironclad rule to not date women who've not been divorced.  Being not so bright, I recently violated that rule and paid the price...again.

With that out of the way, let's get to it.   We'll begin by understanding what the separated person feels.  Please note that while this entry tends to be centered on women, the most of the same commentary applies to men.

Failure
Your marriage is ending.  It was the most important relationship in your life and you failed to keep it alive.  You failed!!!!  That's what your subconscious is screaming, over and over.  Regardless of the circumstances that the marriage ended under, you still failed.  Even if, realistically, there was nothing you could have done to save your marriage and the blame genuinely belongs at the feet of your spouse...You Failed!.  The voice will continue to yell at you for quite awhile, whether you deserve it or not.

I know this because, in addition to asking various women I've dated and a few mental health professionals, I've been there myself.  My now ex-wife had undiagnosed borderline personality disorder.  If you know anything about the condition, you understand there was no way I could have saved my marriage.  I knew it too, yet, the screaming was there.  You failed!

So, what's the first thing that many people want to do, once they're separated from their spouse?  They want to prove they're capable of building a solid relationship.  I'm not a failure!!!  I'll show you!!!  They want to prove their voice wrong and jump back into the dating pool.  Wait a minute.  You just crashed an F-14 and killed Goose.  Yet, you want to jump right back in the cockpit?  Do you think that's a good idea, Mav?

The Blame Game
Whether it be in business or our personal lives, when something goes horribly wrong, it's human nature to assign blame to the parties or things we believe to be at fault.  If we're interested in not repeating the same mistakes, we dig a bit deeper to understand the 'why' in addition to the 'who'.  And so it goes, as your mind attempts to determine why your marriage failed.  With the exception of the truly reckless (of which there are many more than you'd want to believe), we all do this and we should.  George Santayana was absolutely spot on when he wrote about those who ignore history repeating it.  This is all well and good, right?  It would be except that damned subconscious can continue to be a real bastard, telling you things that may not be true and potentially harmful.

We'll use a real world example to illustrate.  I dated a woman (actually two, now that I think about it) whose husband repeatedly cheated on her.  Blame and responsibility fall squarely on the scumbag husband for completely desecrating his marriage vows.  She should be able to walk away as unscathed as one can in a divorce, right?  That would be the case, except her subconscious said you must have done something to make him cheat.  You weren't enough for him.  You're too unattractive to excite a man.  It's all your fault because you're a worthless person.  If that weren't enough, this wonderful man constantly criticized  and body shamed her.  She told me she knew he was a jackass and ignored his jibes, but her behavior told me it had made a deep and lasting impression.  I didn't realize how much she'd been damaged until after we broke up; her self-esteem had been demolished and she had abandonment issues in spades.  I know what you're thinking:  Wow, she must have been a basket case and kind of a loser.  Except, you'd be wrong.  She was an amazing woman, smart as hell, witty, incredibly attractive, very successful, and well respected by all who knew her, personally and professionally.  When we were together, I often marveled at how I'd gotten so lucky to have her in my life.  And I fell hard for her, for all the right reasons.  Yet, she ended our relationship because she was afraid I had begun to see her flaws, 'knew' I was going to leave her, and believed I deserved someone much better than her.

As you can imagine, the outcome hurt us both terribly, but there was no convincing her that her perceived flaws were anything but.  I did everything I could to save that relationship, but her mind wouldn't accept that I wasn't going to leave her.  And she's not the first woman I've encountered with these sorts of issues; I've seen it time and again, including the woman who got physically ill over how kind I was to her.

Even if your situation is less dramatic than these examples, you've still been bumped and bruised more than you realize or care to admit to yourself.  The simple act of your spouse leaving you speaks volumes to the back of your mind.  I wasn't enough for him/her.    Even if you left your spouse because they had neglected you, that voice is still saying you weren't worthy of the attention.

Even if your marriage sucked huge donkey appendages, it was likely consistent.  You could count on your spouse acting a certain way, but more importantly, you could count on them being there.  Suddenly, you're in the Sea of Unknown.  Some people are explorers and embrace the unknown; they find it exciting.  But, for most of the population, the unknown sucks.  All the more reason to seek something stable.  

Affecting my best Magnum PI voice, I know what you're thinking.  I know I'm not ready for another relationship so soon, so I'll keep it casual.  You know, just date for the fun of it and to take care of my social and sexual needs.  Yeah, I've heard that exact phrase uttered more than once.  Think about it.  You've had this gaping hole in your life for how long and it's opened up to epic proportions, now that you've become separated.  Once you find someone who you like, they'll become your knight in shining armor and you'll hold on to them for dear life.  The desire for validation is incredibly strong, whether you admit it to yourself or not.  Your casual relationship just became the great love of your life.  That is right up to where he leaves because you're a basket case.  Regardless of what you tell yourself, that need, that desire to be cared for again will leave your plans to be casual shattered in pieces on the floor, along with your heart.

Does Time Heal?
In my experience, how long someone's been separated has little to do with how well they've dealt with the emotions.  Time does not heal all wounds.  In fact, time can make them worse.  The one that tripped me in the past was the assertion it was over for a long time; we just recently made it formal.  Yeah, it's not really over, if you're still living in the same house.  Physically separating triggers your brain to say this shit's real.  So, take my advice and find a solid therapist to work through the truckload of emotions that have been dumped on you, before you consider dating again.

The Divorce
Let's say you've done that.  You've worked through the emotions and implemented coping skills going forward.  As I'm always the bearer of bad news, I'll point out it ain't over yet.  Now, you're in for the stress of the divorce process, itself, and all the feelings that come with it.  When it comes to divorce, you won't find many where there isn't at least some rather unpleasant wrangling, whether it be financial, custody of the kids, or the house in Boca.  You won't recognize your spouse because they'll pull nasty tricks you didn't think they had in them.  Yes, divorce is the gift that keeps on giving and if you were fortunate enough to make yourself ready to date, I guarantee any relationship you may have begun will suffer through the divorce process.  Admittedly, this challenge isn't a killer, but it sucks none the less.

The Chrysalis and Butterfly
There's one last phenomenon I've encountered that can negatively impact those who would date someone who's separated.   That's what I refer to as the Reinvention.  You've been married to someone for so long.  You've had to give up your interests because your spouse didn't want to be a part of your journey.  You couldn't explore the world, take part in satanic rituals, join the Peace Corps, and so on.  But now you're free to do as you wish.  Screw you, underprivileged kids in the third world, here I come!  The drastic change can be motivated by just a desire to reinvent yourself.  Or it could be done out of spite.  It may be a minor life change; for example, I've seen more new body piercings and fresh tattoos on separated women than you can shake a stick at.

Timing can vary and may be constrained by the law in certain states, where you are prevented from certain types of life changes while separated.  So, the reinvention might occur during the separation or after the divorce is final.  As someone dating a separated person, you run the risk of suddenly dating a completely different person than who you thought you were.

Boomerang
The first potential pitfall that most people think of, when it comes to dating someone who's separated is the danger they'll go back to their spouse.  For me, that's never been an issue; none of the separated women I've dated have waffled the slightest when it came to their desire for a divorce. That's why the first is the last, in this entry.

Minor Silver Lining
There is one potential positive about dating a separated woman.  If her marriage was long and unsatisfying, there may very well be a few long held fantasies she's dying to finally live out.  They can be kind of fun and allow you to be a complete god in the bedroom.  No, you can't see the pictures.

Summary
For those who are separated, I'm not saying you absolutely shouldn't date, solely based upon your status.  Rather, I think it's important to have a full grasp on your emotional well being, before you go charging out into the dating world.  You've dealt with a major life change and by definition, it's impacted you a great deal; almost certainly more than you'll admit to yourself.  Above all, be honest with yourself.

For those who might date someone who's separated, consider this.  Unless you're a mental health guru, you won't spot the crucial signs that something's not right with this person you're dating until it's too late.  Hell, you may not even spot it after things collapse.  No matter how broken someone is they'll almost certainly be able to offer a plausible explanation for why they're not; often they're in complete denial.  Conversely, you may very well encounter someone who's completely taken charge of their emotional health, in positive manner.  Ultimately, you'll have to decide whether you can beat the odds or not.  And to be clear, a divorce decree, in and of itself, is meaningless when it comes to low self-esteem, abandonment issues, fear or intimacy, etc. because there are an amazing amount of divorced people, who've never gotten desperately needed treatment.

With that, I wish all of my separated and divorced readers true happiness.

The Smell of Dog

I’m a serious dog lover, but this is the first time in my life I’ve not owned one. My travel schedule makes having a furry companion unrealistic. I just couldn’t board a dog that frequently, particularly since my choice would be a large one. Were that not the case, I’d have dognapped my border collie from my ex-wife by now. As border collies tend to be, she’s wicked smart and incredibly loyal. When we rescued her, I decided I would learn how to train her and began reading about clicker training. At the time my marriage ended, she knew over a dozen hand signals, three times as many voice commands, and I swear she could read my mind, sometimes. 

When I left the marriage and moved to Richmond, I found myself with two needs. The first was to find a way to make the world a better place. As a result of being married to a borderline (see previous blogs), I’d become a bitter and selfish, and wasn’t happy with the man that stared back at me in the mirror. That needed to change. The second need I had was a way to get a dog fix without owning one. The solution seemed simple, so I began researching local rescue organizations. The Richmond SPCA has trainers on staff as well as a team of volunteers educated on behavior modification, so I began volunteering there. Understandably, I had to put in some sweat equity before they’d let me actually train dogs, so my first volunteer job was as a dog walker. Having developed knowledge of canine behavior modification, it didn’t take long to be selected for the team and additional training. We focus on both training techniques as well as reading canine body language. You might be surprised at all the things a dog can tell you, if you know how to listen. 

Our projects cover the gamut and really depend on what dogs have needs. Today, I worked with three dogs. The first was recovering from surgery. He needed to get some exercise, but not too much; work the leg but don’t damage it. It’s a bit much to ask normal volunteers to understand where that sweet spot lies, so our team takes over. Plus, he flat out needed some quality time not in his kennel. The second had not been socialized and needed to learn to be a dog. She also really needs to learn to take treats without ripping my fingers off. The third was dog aggressive, so we worked on focus (gaining it back when she sees another dog) as well as a few other things. We’ll also work with dogs who are stressed in the shelter environment; really, they all are but some are much worse than others. If a dog has a bad habit, that might prevent them from being adopted, we’ll work on that. My first project dog was this massive pit bull who got so excited when you came to visit that he’d knock you right over. I taught him that he would lose the thing he wanted most (me) if he jumped. He learned manners and got adopted within a week. We really do run the gamut of what we tackle. Regardless, our goal is to give each dog the best opportunity at being adopted. 

We tend not to get involved with the adoption process, itself, although I’ve had project dogs who were quite special to me. For those, I’ve been known to work families over, if I feel they’ll take care of my baby. That’s the odd thing about this sort of work. It can be easy to get attached to the occasional project dog, because you spend so much time with it. So, when they get adopted, you’re torn between sadness over losing your friend and joy because they’re part of a family, who’ll love them constantly and not just for a dozen hours each week. 

Aside from raising my stepchildren to be productive adults, the work I do at the shelter is the most rewarding thing I’ve done in my life. Knowing I’m helping dogs find forever homes with families who love them makes it all worthwhile. Plus, I get my dog fix and get drooled on to my heart’s desire. I’m exhausted and smell like dog, but I can’t think of a better way to spend an afternoon.

Dating Profile of the Week - January 28, 2016

This is sort of a follow on to my post on internet dating face palms, in which I highlight one or more dating profile as a perfect example of the sorts of things I wrote about.  They're the people you just can't wait to meet (sarcasm alert).

There may be more than one per week, or not.  I'll post them as I find them.

Today's profile comes from Plenty of Fish and user datingsucks70.  Her username alone portends of some promising material.  I'd previously run across her profile and it was one of a number that served as source material for my face palm blog.  I'd planned to let her remain anonymous until I saw she'd changed her headline to I see I won't have much luck in Virginia.  You just can't open that profile quickly enough, when you see that sort of eye catcher luring you in.  

'Sucks' tells potential suitors I already spent 16 years in a failed marriage where I was never the top priority. I was listed somewhere after his job, the pets and alcohol. I do not want to do that again and I deserve much more. I am not to opposed to dating men with children but if you have them please be open to flexibility and allowing someone else to share your life and time with them. Please do not spend our date criticizing your ex. I have run into so many men that bring the baggage of their divorce into their new relationships. 

I really hate to say this but if you are divorced and going through mega-dysfunction with your ex and a custody saga, do not contact me. After meeting six guys on here who spent most of their time on our dates arguing with their ex's attorney over who gets the kids on Earth Day, I cannot take it anymore. 

So warm and seductive; it makes you want to reach out immediately, in the hopes that you could spend time with such a rare gem.  She does share a bit about herself, which I found to be quite interesting, but the material that exudes bitterness dominates her profile.  What's unfortunate is that 'sucks' is an otherwise great catch, at least for me.  She's attractive, educated, with diverse interests, and well traveled.  Even better (for me), she's divorced with no children.  But which woman would you be dating?  The bitter and jaded one or the cultured and engaging one?  I, for one, have no interest in playing those odds.  

Happy Dating, Friends!

Internet Dating - The Chuckles, Rants, and Face Palms

Let me start off by saying that, aside from sociopaths, most everyone deserves to find their perfect mate.   But one begins to wonder what constitutes a perfect match for most of the women I've seen on dating sites.  (Yes, I'm picking on women again; it's that whole straight, don't date men thing.  The men will take their lumps in my next blog.)  Taken at face value, one begins to wonder if they should be living on their own.  

So, let's poke fun at internet dating profiles and such. Yes, this is a rant, with profanity and name calling and miles below my normal standard of writing.  But I had to get it out, people.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

Before I go any further, I'll admit that I find writing that initial email to a woman to be somewhat stressful.  I've already performed a criteria analysis, as outlined in my entry on Dating in Your 40's, and consider the intended recipient to be a potentially good match.  For me, there are very few women who even pass this first test.  Next comes actually writing a note that will engage the recipient in a way that points out some commonalities, expresses an interest in something they wrote, or in general, demonstrates that I've taken the time to read their profile.  But so many profiles are lacking in the content that allows me to accomplish any of those things.  Most of us are on the site to find a meaningful relationship, yet most people can't be bothered to actually share what they're about. 

So, what does one find on dating profiles?  Let's take a look!

On the 'no content' side, the sentiments I see most frequently are as follows.  Keep in mind that, in many cases, a profile will contain nothing what I've noted.  

 - 'Just ask.' - You've got nothing else on your profile.  How the fuck would I know what to even ask about?  Have you ever been to Scandinavia or neutered a hippo?  Do you swallow or have inverted nipples?

- 'I don't like to talk about myself' - Then I'm going to assume you're not worthy of being talked about.  

Seriously, unless you want endless emails from guys who just want to screw you, prove you're sentient!  

Moving along to the 'might as well be no content' list, we'll start with my two favorites, which are:
- 'I love the beach / water'
&
- 'I love to laugh' - Wow, so do I!  So does 99.9999% of the free world!  The same percentage that thinks being waterboarded wouldn't be fun, but no one mentions that in their profile.  Personally, I'd like to know if someone liked waterboarding more than if they liked to laugh.  As you can tell, this one in particular makes me crazy.

These two usually come in a combo package and I swear 80% of the dating profiles I've read contain them, frequently with nothing beyond them.  Ladies, those attributes don't make you unique or even give a clue about what you're like!  Seriously, if every woman's dating profiles are the same, can women really blame guys for choosing the women with the biggest racks?

- My kids are my life - Well, they damned well better be!  Again, you have to spell that out?  Just once, I'd like to read my two illegitimate kids are a major irritation, but at least both their daddies have started paying support, the deadbeats.

Next, we have negativity; so much negativity...
- These are the profiles that shout what the author doesn't want.  I've seen drama, men who are emotionally unavailable, cheat, lie, are players or serial daters, sociopaths, have issues with mental health, baby mommas, the law, and a few that I've forgotten.  

Listen genius, do you honestly think men who the above apply to are going to say Gee, I'm a sociopath, but she said she doesn't want one of those, so I'll move on.?  Do you even think men who fall into most of those categories know they fit in those categories?  News flash:  You're likely fucked up too, and I bet you haven't figured it out.  Do you think Ted Bundy would have passed most of his victims by if they'd specified they didn't want to be involved with a serial killer?

I get it, you've been burned before and no one enjoys that.  I've been the recipient of a scorched heart as well.  But the only thing you're accomplishing, by throwing all of that garbage in your profile is sounding like a bitter bitch.  I don't want to date a bitter bitch and I'm guessing neither do most men. 

As an honorable mention, I'll finish up with serious inquiries only.  Were you getting completely absurd and comedic inquiries?  Again, I've seen profiles with only those three words on them.  The best was when the woman couldn't even be bothered to take spelling seriously.  Her profile read Serious injuries only.  I don't want none of that sprained ankle shit; you come to me with some head trauma or amputation!

Of course, some rather talented women manage to work several of the above into a profile (and nothing else).  Here's what I don't want.  I love to laugh.  Anything else, just ask.

Over the past few years, I've been on Match, Plenty of Fish, and OkCupid.  Admittedly, the vast majority of the above offenders are on POF, which likely has to do with its cost to join, which is nothing.  It does seem to reflect its client base.  The really frustrating thing about POF is I rarely get responses from women on that site, but have regular interaction on the others.  God's honest truth, I've had the same woman ignore an email I sent on POF, then send me an unsolicited email on Match.  One of life's little mysteries.

One head scratcher that seems to only take place on POF is confusion over your level of education.  I've seen several profiles of women who have unskilled jobs like bus driver and a profile that a second grader could have written better, which there's nothing wrong with, if that's what you've got.  But these same women list themselves as having a graduate degree.  I guess the thought is I graduated, so I must have a graduate degree.

Ultimately, the wisdom I'd like to impart is read your profile, pretending someone else wrote it, and ask yourself whether you'd be interested in dating that person.

Before we move away from profiles, a quick word on photos.  Yes, you may have been absolutely stunning in the 90's, you out of work trophy wife, but it's not relevant to us who might date you now.  Put some current pictures up, for crying out loud.

Conversation
So, I've found a woman with a well-written profile and sent her a lovely note.  If she responds, I've found she's as likely as not to phone in the email conversation.  Seriously people, have you forgotten how to carry on a conversation, using basic communication skills?  In order to be successful and rewarding, a conversation requires both parties be engaged.  After sending a well written note to a woman, it's not uncommon to receive a sentence fragment in return, usually one that affords no opportunity to extend the conversation.  Examples include 'my day was good', in response to sharing an interesting event of the day and asking a few questions.  

Just today, I had a second email exchange with a woman; I'd sent her a note, last night, as above (events and follow up questions).  This morning, she responded with 'good morning'.  WTF?  Are you going to ignore the last note I sent you, altogether?  It went downhill from there and I broke it off.

And these are all educated women, who should know better!!!

When a woman reaches out first, more chances than not, you'll experience the final hair puller of this rant.  She'll send a note that's these three words and nothing else 
How are you?
Are you telling me that after reading my admittedly long profile, that you couldn't find anything to use as a conversation starter?  That's really all you have to say to get my attention?  I'll pat myself on the back for resisting the temptation to respond that It's a kickass day, because I'm finally off parole and the paternity tests came back negative.  That's what the bitch gets for giving me the clap.

In fact, I'm proud to say I've only trolled one unimaginative woman, who managed to catch me in a mood, one day.  The best an attorney could come up with was Any plans for the weekend?  I responded Yes.  That's what the bitch deserves for giving me the clap!

It goes without saying the blame for this decline in conversational skills stems from the proliferation of apps and the culture of text messaging.  You just can't build a genuine, engaging note on your phone.  Pick up your tablet or sit in front of your pc and show you're capable of more than two sentences worthy of a third grader!

At this point, I'll ask you, my readers, am I completely out of my mind for wanting to be engaged?  Is it unreasonable to not want to expend the time and effort to discover if a woman has something interesting to say?  Note, that there's still the minor matter of considering compatibility.  Perhaps I'm just not with the times and stuck in the past.  After all, these same women who can't be bothered to write a real email obviously meet other men and find success, because they come and go from these sites.  So, I ask my readers, what am I missing?

Finally, as I find new and even more neurotic profiles, I'll post screen shots.  Perhaps we can enjoy the profile of the week.

Cum On My Tits - A Love Story

Here’s a true story of one my most memorable nights of debauchery.  99% of the dialogue is accurate; certain things become lodged in one’s brain, when they occur in the right context.

Jane has shown up in my blog several times before, although I’ve never referred to her by name.  For example, she’s the girl for whom I served as a reference fuck (see previous blog entry for more).  Jane and I were on again, off again with regard to a real relationship but got together occasionally because we enjoyed each other’s company; plus the sex was always good.  A couple of years ago, I decided to have Jane over for dinner, just before Christmas.  We hadn’t seen each other in a while so I wanted to catch up.  As usual, we had a great time over dinner and several glasses of wine.  My intent wasn’t to sleep with her that evening, since our last encounter had been my breaking up with her.  That all went to hell after the second bottle of wine was polished off.  One can only expect so much will power when confronted with an attractive redhead who loves to please in the bedroom.  As I uncorked our third bottle of red, we stood in the kitchen flirting over small talk.  With little fanfare, I grabbed her and kissed her.  There are women who can kiss and those who can’t; Jane represents a true talent in that department and kissing has always been an event unto itself.  We kissed passionately, her lips and tongue tasting of the wine we had just been enjoying.  Our hands groping each other from both excitement and a bit of drunken reverie.  She broke away from me and exclaimed, ‘finally, a man who knows how to kiss me.’ 

We continued to kiss and my hand found its way under her skirt.  ‘Someone’s definitely excited.  I love how wet you get for me’, I said.  She responded that I always made her wet. 

Then she told me what she wanted.  ‘Will you stroke your cock for me tonight?  It’s such a turn on to watch a guy stroke his hard cock.  I want you to cum on my tits too.  It’s been a fantasy of mine.  Will you do that for me?’

I can’t recall exactly how I responded but it was an enthusiastic affirmative. Duh!

We made our way to the bedroom, tearing off clothes as we stumbled.  I threw Jane down on the bed and continued to kiss her, while my hands began exploring her now naked form.  Caressing her breasts, feeling her nipples harden with my touch.  Moving my head down, I began to explore her breasts with my mouth.  Lips at first, then brushing my tongue over each one, then sucking with a bit more intensity.  My hand moved down to touch her sex, her legs parting automatically to receive me.  Just a bit of touching to start, then a bit more pressure on her clit, slowly rubbing in a circle.  Her breathing continued to get heavier and more ragged as I touched her.  I’ve been here before and remember just how she likes to be pleasured.  After taking a break from mouthing her breasts to watch the look of bliss spread across her beautiful face, I return to the task.  She pushed her head up and joined me, both our tongues dancing across her pink nipple.  The site is intoxicating as we both surrender to our pleasure.  I slide one finger into her very wet pussy, causing her to moan.  Jane’s a g-spot girl and it’s time for her to cum for me.  I slowly work my finger in and out of her, finally settling on her g-spot, massaging it in a circular movement.  I can feel her begin to build toward her first orgasm as I vary the pressure to touch her just right.  Her hips begin to move ever so slightly and I ask her if she’s going to cum for me. 

‘Mmm, hmm’

‘Then do it, honey.  Cum for me.  Give me what I want.’

And her first orgasm hits; it’s always the mildest for her.

‘Oooh, ooh, ohh…’

I kiss her passionately and take her hand in mine, guiding it back down between her thighs.  I position my hand over top of hers, finger for finger, so I can slide both of our middle fingers inside her as one.  Then I begin to masturbate her with her own finger, making it my own little sex toy.  After a few moments, I can feel her reach that point.  Women know what I’m referring to; it’s that point where whatever stimulation you’re receiving must end in an orgasm.  Once Jane reaches that point of no return, I remove my own finger, leaving her climax in her own hands, as it were. 

‘God that’s so hot, Janey.  I love watching you touch yourself for me.  Will you make yourself cum for me?  I want you show me how much I excite you.’

As she touches herself, I return to her breasts and pleasure her that way.  Then, she cums for me.  Her ‘ooh, ooh, oh…’ accompanied by the soft spasm in her hips.

Once she recovers, it’s clear she has her mind on her own oral arguments.  Jane loves to suck my cock and shoves me back on the bed so she can get to work.  Tonight, there’s no teasing…no playful licking.  She’s hungry for me down her throat and devours my cock over and over.  After deep throating me for a bit, she moves up and straddles me.  I love how her hips move as she rides my cock.  I reach up and play with her nipples.  She’s moaning louder than normal tonight; I can hear the urgency as she works me.  But the urgency somehow transitions to frustration.  She wants to cum again and just can’t get there fast enough for her liking.  She rolls off of me, onto her back, and begins to thrust her fingers in and out of herself.  Her body spasms in a way I hadn’t seen before and she screams as her orgasm rips through her body. 

‘Fuck!’

She then pulls me on top of her, wraps her legs around me, and tells me to fuck her.  She needs to cum all over my cock.  Honestly, the next few hours remain a bit hazy for me.  We continued to use each other in every position we could think of, stopping occasionally for a bit of a rest and more wine.  Ultimately, I wound up behind her (for the second or third time), grabbing her hips and thrusting deeply.  Over time, I’d worked out just the right angle to best ravage her g-spot; a move that caused her to orgasm almost constantly and always made me cum as well.  The combination of not lasting much longer inside her as well as fatigue (3 hours of fucking will do that to you!) made the decision easy.  I pulled her shoulders up so I could stay inside her while I whispered in her ear.

‘Do you want me to stroke my cock for you and cum all over your tits?’

‘Yes, do it.’

I moved to where I was standing next to the side of the bed, allowing me to lean back on it slightly, and she immediately dropped to her knees in front of me.  She couldn’t resist sucking my hard cock for a bit but then moved back a bit to watch the show she wanted.  I started masturbating for her, milking my hard cock.  As my shaft would become dry, I’d pull her head forward and she’d deep throat me until I was lubed up from her saliva. 

As I resumed stroking my cock, I watched Jane watching me and I’ve never seen a look on a woman’s face quite like hers that night.  Her expression was one of pure, unadulterated lust; her eyes burning as she watched me stroking my cock in directly in front of her face.  I’ll never forget that look on her face as long as I live nor will I forget the scene; it was one of the hottest sexual experiences I’ve ever had. 

Jane would occasionally interrupt my stroking to enjoy playing with my cock.  She’d stroke it herself, then lean forward and bury it between her breasts, wrapping them around it so she could feel me fucking her tits, then use her mouth to make it wet again. 

After providing her with her value for the price of admission, I decided it was time to grant her second request.  I asked her if she was ready to feel my cum all over her tits.

‘Yes, cum all over me.  I want to feel your hot cum.’

I repeated the exchange a few more times, further working us both up, then took a step forward so I could explode all over her pretty tits.  There are few times that real life lives up to what you see in porn but this was one of them for me.  I groaned that I was going to cum and then began to erupt just where she asked.  It was one of the biggest loads I’ve ever mustered and it truly splashed all over both of her breasts.  She pulled me against her and rubbed my cock in the hot, sticky mess that pooled between her tits. 

At that point, we both pretty well collapsed.  It was quite the marathon, lasting until just after three a.m. and I still had to drive to Florida the next morning.  Yes, it was a long drive but well worth the pain.

I hope you enjoyed reading this and appreciate any feedback.  I’ll pass it along to Jane too.

Dating in Your 40's - Not For The Faint of Heart

Finding the right person in your forties sucks.  There, I said it and if you’re single and in your forties, you already know it to be true.  But, being a student of human nature and a guy who likes to analyze things to death, I’ve done my best to get to some of the underlying issues of why it sucks.  Admittedly, my viewpoint will be colored by my sex (yep, I’m a guy), but I’m confident much of my babbling will be relatable to the fairer sex as well. 

Also, in order to properly convey the points I need to make, I will be utilizing descriptors that might be mistaken for value statements (i.e. economic status).  However, they aren’t, so leave your prejudices at the door. 

For those with a short attention span, dating in your forties sucks because we’re more restrictive, in terms of attributes we find acceptable in a potential partner, and the dating pool sucks. 

The Internet

As most of us single folks utilize the internet for meeting new potential partners, I’ll use this as a context for my article.  This is where we’ll begin.  On a good day, internet dating can be an amazing tool to meet other singles in your area.  It can also represent a never ending shit show that can leave you feeling frustrated and unwanted.    

On the positive side, internet dating brings together potentially compatible singles who wouldn’t likely meet otherwise.  Just plug in your criteria and go from there; you can narrow down your potential matches by almost any criteria you can imagine.  In my case, I searched for women who are Asian, taller than 6’, with red hair, possess a Master’s degree, and speak Flemish. 

On the negative side, if you’re not of stout self-image, it’ll (further) erode your self-esteem like a typhoon on a tropical beach.  You will send very nice notes to members of the opposite sex (or same sex) and receive no response.  Or they’ll engage, then disappear; this can be after one email, one date, or one sexual encounter.  In other words, rejection becomes a daily routine.

Why do people not respond or disappear?  First, there could be a legitimate reason, such as you don’t meet their criteria.  Experience has taught me that women who are separated, regardless of circumstances, are almost guaranteed to have latent emotional issues to contend with, from their failed marriage.  Aside from logic, whether it be Match, Plenty of Fish, OKC, or any of the other myriad of dating sites, you’ve got to make an impression that’s compelling very quickly.  Regardless of sex, you’re immediately judged by whether the viewer finds you attractive via your photos.  We know men are visually stimulated, but it surprised me to learn that women based much of their initial interest on a quick look at a guy’s pictures. 

And if you’re not an Adonis or Christy Turlington, making that impression becomes more of a challenge.  Users have a ‘cafeteria’ with oh so many options to choose from, all of whom are single (the ones who aren’t lying) and want to meet someone.  If they’re all single, I should be able to have whichever I want, right?  After all, with all these amazingly hot chicks/guys, I should be able to have one.  Yep, unrealistic expectations abound, on the net.  I’ll pick on the fairer sex because, being straight and all, I only have experience with women’s profiles.  I’ve read more than one profile of a rather unattractive, borderline obese woman, with three kids, specify that she’s only attracted to tall, handsome, fit men.  That’s great, because no other women want that.  Listen, just because this bunch of guys, with rock hard abs and a killer smile, are on the same dating site as you doesn’t make you any closer to their league. 

If you’re halfway attractive and can put two sentences together, there will be quite a number of parties interested in meeting you.  This can be exciting and a great ego boost, but it’s oh so easy to get caught up in an ‘all you can eat’ mentality.  There are all these people who want me, I must meet them all so I can choose the absolute best one for me!  I’ve chatted with women who’ve admitted, yes, I have dates on Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday, but I’d still like to meet you.  Yeah, I’ll pass.  Pick one or two and leave the others for another day.  You can narrow those five guys down, can’t you?

Focused On What's Important

So, now that I’ve got my list of tall, Asian, redheads, I must go about narrowing it down to the women, with whom I believe I’m most compatible.  Except it isn’t quite so simple.  The great thing about finding a partner when you’re younger (and making it work) is that you could be quite different from one another and still succeed as a couple.  Most of your lives are in front of you and you grow together.  This changes dramatically, as we age. 

By now, you’ve grown into a person who knows (or damned well should) who they are, what they stand for, and they fit in the world.  You have a job that likely defines you more than you’d care to admit.  Short of winning the lottery, you’ve pretty much settled into the socioeconomic group in which you’ll spend the remainder of your life.  Again, that defines you more than we’d like to admit.  You’ve either continued to expand your mind or decided there’s no need.  You have children or you don’t.  Perhaps you still want children.  You eat what you eat.  Your views on politics and religion are pretty solid.   Your personal habits have been set and you’ll be damned if someone won’t let you watch TV in bed.

For better or for worse, you’re about finished with any radical changes to all of these aspects of your life. 

As our lives have become more focused, so does our criteria for a partner.  In most cases, this is a good thing.  Shared experiences are pretty important when determining whether we might be compatible with someone.  Just to throw out a few random items from my own personal journey.  Twenty years ago, I’d never been out of the country so finding someone who had experienced (or wanted to experience) the world outside the US held zero importance.  Now, having traveled the world several times over for both business and pleasure, I can’t imagine being with someone whose interest stopped at the border.  Would we take separate vacations?  I enjoy cooking and eating ‘gourmet’ meals.  Would it make sense to try to date a woman who thought Ruby Tuesday was fine dining?  These are examples of how my dating criteria have become more focused and yes, more restrictive, as the result of personal experience. 

At what point does even healthy narrowing of criteria become too restrictive?  I would offer that most of us don’t know what we really need to be happy, otherwise, we’d be happily involved with a fantastic partner.  How many of us are searching for our ideal, instead of someone who’ll be an amazing friend and lover?  Are we unwilling to settle for what we need in order to get what we want?  Does what we want really exist?  Again, the internet can be awesome, because you can learn a great deal about a person from their profile.  But how much knowledge is too much and are we doing the wrong things with it?  For the sake of brevity, I’ll recall a recent stroll through the land of dating profiles.  One of the tall, redheaded Asian women listed her favorite movies, as suggested by the dating site.  They were mostly what I consider to be dumb comedies (Will Farrell), and I caught myself thinking nope, she won’t work because she has crap taste in movies.  Then, I thought you’re going to discount what appears to be an attractive, well adjusted, and intelligent woman solely because of her taste in movies?  That’s beyond stupid!  But this is a risk we take that can do more harm than good.

Speaking of harm, we can sometimes allow our previous experiences to impact our criteria in a less than healthy manner.  For example, I dated a woman who had this litany of inconsequential and random traits that a prospective partner must not possess.  As we talked, it became clear that the criteria represented a list of little things she didn’t like about her ex-husband.  She allowed her baggage to impact her in a less than healthy manner.  It’s like saying my ex liked to golf and he cheated on me, so if you golf, that means I can never trust you.   

Now that I’ve narrowed down the field and have a list of tall, redheaded Asian women, who speak Flemish AND enjoy the same movies as me, I reach the final, and most difficult challenge of dating.  Which ones are actually able to have a relationship?

The Broken 

I used to bemoan that I seemed to attract all the ‘crazies’, until I realized that 80% of the singles population were broken, in some manner or another.  Listen, by the time you’re in your mid-forties, you’ve been beaten around emotionally.  Your marriage has failed, your spouse left you, abused you, cheated, and so on.  There could be longstanding issues that had their genesis in childhood when a parent died, was absent, or worse.  All of these things add up and can manifest themselves in various ways.  Abandonment issues and fear of intimacy are the two most frequent traits I’ve found in women my age.  The common thread seems to be diminished (or destroyed) self-esteem.  Depending on the severity, these can be absolute nightmares, for both parties, in trying to establish a healthy relationship.

Those who suffer from these conditions tend to feel unworthy of being loved, and live in fear that their potential partner will discover just how undeserving they are.  In the case of abandonment issues, the will often behave in a manner that will ensure the departure of their new love interest, making He’ll leave me a self-fulfilling prophecy.  This has happened to me a few times.  In general, they either avoid being vulnerable (and subsequently being hurt again) or jump into relationships incredibly quickly, in the hopes the other party will feel the same emotional bond.   Even once in a relationship, their self-worth doesn’t improve.  Therefore, they may be very jealous of their partner and repeatedly accuse them of cheating.  Even with sound logic and effective visual aids, you will not successfully be able to reason with these people.

Almost every woman I’ve dated in the past year has suffered from abandonment or intimacy issues, mostly as a result of self-esteem that’s taken a beating at the hands of their former spouses.  It’s a horrible shame; I’ve seen smart, desirable, kind women who think they’re worth nothing to a partner.  On the flip side, they’re rock stars in their careers.  In one case, she agreed to an exclusive relationship but accepted that I’d sleep with other women.  I imagine men suffer just as much as women.  I’ll admit to dealing with fear of intimacy in the past, myself. 

These are genuine life traumas we need to face and deal with but most of us lack the self-awareness to realize our feelings, and resulting behavior, aren’t normal or healthy.  The bottom line is that we won’t fix these issues on our own and they won’t just go away.  If you suspect you may be suffering through one of these conditions, please get help.  If not for yourself, but for those who you’ll continue to hurt, if you don’t.

Oh, and the mental health challenges can be so much worse.  I was married to a woman with borderline personality disorder, whose constant emotional abuse caused my fear of intimacy.  I’ve dated a bi polar and a closet alcoholic as well.  Then, you’ve got your sociopaths, narcissists, and the list goes on.  When I was young and naïve, if questioned, I would have been sure anyone that out of touch would have been diagnosed or at least recognize it in their own behavior.  Nope, they’re walking among us, folks, and want to be our dates.

Some blunt words of advice to those who are separated: Don’t try to find a relationship until you’re divorced.  If you haven’t finished the divorce process, you’ve not completely dealt with all of the shit I mentioned above.  I’ve not met one separated woman who’s even begun to address the trauma from her marriage.  I know you want to prove you’re a good partner, worthy of being loved, but all you’ll prove is you’re a mess.  I’ll spare my readers the gory details, but suffice to say I’ve been proven correct every time I’ve dated someone not divorced.  Just don’t do it; if not for yourself, but for the people who you’ll cause pain when you flake out (and you will flake).

In short, we forty something singles are a mass of emotionally wounded people, many of whom shouldn’t even attempt a relationship in our current emotional state.

If you weren’t disheartened before, I’m quite certain you are now, after reading the facts.  Rather than leaving you wanting to jump off a cliff, I’ll end with a bit of humor.

Some Interesting Demographics

As I’ve done the whole dating thing, I’ve discovered certain recurring themes within women’s profiles; there are certain demographics that appear somewhat regularly, in my dating pool.  I’m sure the ladies see similar buckets for guys but I obviously wouldn’t know much about that.  So feel free to share your own.  Regardless, in my experience, one should steer clear of any of these folks for the reasons stated.  Anyway, my favorite categories are:

Crazy Cat Lady in Training – She has as many photos of her cats on her dating profile as she does of herself and they are referred to as her babies (because she usually doesn’t have children).  Her cats (or dogs) are shown dressed for Halloween and various other holidays.  Yes, these women exist even in their early forties! 

The Max Density Lifer – These women are type A, typically with no children, who have developed interests and hobbies to fill the time and emotional void of being single and childless.  These hobbies have become obsessions and occupy a great deal of these people’s time.  Some are super athletes who run, mountain bike, road bike, or compete in (and train incessantly for) triathlons, etc.  Other time filling interests include horses, boating, and volunteering.  Don’t get me wrong; being in excellent health and engaging in activities that benefit the community can be great things.  But many of these people are undateable.  First, they really don’t have time to date because they’re training for this or that.  Plus, they tend to severely limit their dating pool, particularly in the case of the super athletes.  Because their obsession has become an integral part of their lives, dating someone who doesn’t share that enthusiasm is destined to fail. 

The Out of Work Trophy Wife – This group is my favorite.  These women are usually quite striking, even if their looks have faded a bit with age.  While I don’t take pleasure in anyone’s pain, it’s clear they’ve been traded in on a younger model and are a bit lost.  Their jobs, if they have one outside the house, tend to be of the dabbling type, yet they manage lavish vacations in Paris or Aspen, if they post photos from this decade.  So little doubt the lion’s share of their income stems from the great alimony package they’ve received from their rich ex-husband.  Unless you’re wealthy and don’t want a younger model, it’s best to steer clear of these women.  Without the rich husband and lavish lifestyle that came to define them, these women don’t really know who they are.  Most still long for that lavish lifestyle, so they’re seeking another wealthy partner (or they’re on seekingarrangements, looking for a sugar daddy).  They often suffer from low self-esteem, due to emotional neglect from their prior spouse (while he was amassing his fortune).  Regardless, they’re a gorgeous train wreck to avoid. 

The Trump Supporter – Nothing more to be said on this one.

The Asexual – This woman hasn’t had a sex drive since the 80’s, when her hormones were running amok.  Since then, she’s developed an unhealthy aversion toward intimacy.  She’s invariably uninteresting and not playful. 

Never Married / No Kids -  Probably what will be the most controversial on the list, it belongs just the same.  It's intentionally a two criteria segment because, while it may offend some readers, you haven't learned what true commitment is until you've had kids of your own.  Marriage can teach commitment, but not always.  Regardless, the women in this segment have made a commitment to neither marriage nor children.  Because the reasons vary, ranging from unrealistic expectations, to chronic immaturity, to mental illness, and so on, it's not feasible to create the perfect picture of this woman.  However, I've dated multiple women who fall into this category and, with only one exception, they've all been disasters.  This demographic was added after I'd originally published this entry (4/28/17), driven mostly by a woman I'd encountered, as chronicled in this entry.  However, that experience caused me to recall other instances where I'd either dated or considered dating someone who fell in this bucket.  And yes, they were all undatable.  

Okay, maybe that was humorous if you didn’t fall into one of those categories, but such is life.  Look for more internet dating rants in the coming weeks.

Happy Dating, Friends!