In another venue in which I blog, there has recently been a fair amount of discussion about Alpha males. The primary debate was around what traits an man must possess to be an Alpha. So, I decided to explore the topic a bit further and ask what it really means to be an Alpha and do women actually desire them?
The term 'Alpha male' is frequently misused and often carries a negative connotation in today's society. Today's man is supposed to be warm, caring, and in touch with his feelings. Can a man be all those things and still be an Alpha? In my opinion, the answer is an emphatic yes.
There are many articles on Alpha males floating around, each offering a different take on what makes one a true Alpha. The attributes and traits are endless and span across every aspect of life, from business to interaction with peers, to romantic relationships. For the sake of brevity and maintaining focus, this post will be about the Alpha within the context of a romantic relationship and a potential resulting family.
To best understand what an Alpha is, I think it's more helpful to begin with what an Alpha isn't. He is not the boss, dominating his significant other twenty four hours a day and telling her what to do. He is not in charge every waking moment. This sort of dynamic is reserved for D/s relationships and although a Dom, by definition, must be an Alpha, his taking charge goes several steps further.
Let's begin to fill in the traits that do make an Alpha male. These are qualities I think constitute an Alpha male, but I may have missed a few. Some of these might surprise you.
An Alpha male is:
- A Leader - This is the most elemental trait of an Alpha. He takes the reins and sets the direction of his life and relationship. To be clear, one doesn't need to be in charge to be a leader. However, if you're in charge, you'd better be a leader.
- Confident - An Alpha is secure and comfortable in his own skin. He has no doubt about his desirability to the opposite sex and there's no question in his mind that he's the best man for whatever task he sets his mind to.
- Decisive - When confronted with a tough choice, he doesn't hesitate. That doesn't mean he's reckless, rather that he'll quickly consider each option and make the right decision as opposed to being frozen by the challenge. The Alpha doesn't waffle.
- Calm under pressure - When things are collapsing at his feet, the Alpha male doesn't panic. He's the shoulder you know will be there to lean on, no matter what the circumstances. He doesn't raise his voice unnecessarily, so when he does, there's no doubt about the importance of what he's saying.
- Charismatic - The Alpha is an interesting guy that you want to be around. He draws you in with his insight and story telling.
- Protective - Do not mess with an Alpha's family or you may wind up in a situation where your life may be in question. Ask my stepdaughter's stalker, who was finally treated to a view up the barrel of a Glock.
- Smart - Regardless of his education, an Alpha soaks up information like a sponge and understands how to best apply it. He's a sharp guy who can easily tell if you're trying to get one past him.
- Ambitious - He's not complacent when it comes to his place in the world and is always seeking a way to improve his families lot in life.
- Dependable - When he commits to making something happen, you can forget about it. Whether it's taking out the trash or planning a vacation, if he says he'll do it, the job will be completed when necessary.
- Calculating - He hasn't figured just out the current challenge, he's considered three steps beyond it, as well as the various contingencies.
- The unquestioned master in the bedroom - This is one area where the Alpha is completely in charge. Whether he's tenderly making love to you or making you scream that your his dirty slut, he leaves no doubt that he owns his lover.
- Resilient - Even the Alpha male fails from time to time. But he doesn't sit around and mope about it. He's back on his feet before anyone noticed he took a spill.
- Fair - He understands that a healthy relationship means that his partner is just that, with an equal vote in how they run their lives.
- Able to say 'I'm sorry' - Being dominant doesn't mean being an asshat. He recognizes that it takes a stronger man to admit he's wrong and apologize, than force his mistake.
- A Supportive partner - He enables his partner to be the best she can and will take up the slack when her career dictates unusually long hours. The Alpha genuinely cares about those he loves and wants them to feel it. He's confident enough to eschew the spotlight to provide his partner what she needs.
Did the last three attributes surprise you? If you truly understand what it means to be a leader, their inclusion should make perfect sense. Very few people want to be bossed around and dominated every minute of the day. They desire the feeling of safety but still want to have their voices heard, to be treated as an equal. An Alpha male understands that.
Do women desire Alpha males over non-Alpha's? In a word, Yes!!!! The resounding message that I've heard from every woman I've chatted with on the topic is they want an Alpha male.
What makes women desire Alpha males? This really depends upon the woman. In the case of a woman who completely subscribes to traditional gender roles, the answer is self-evident. However, I've found that most women crave that sort of dynamic, to some degree, for reasons I've outlined before in this post.
At this point, you're saying I've dated some women who could be considered Alphas. Do they also crave Alpha males? Good question. At first glance, you would think that an Alpha woman would prefer a man who doesn't challenge her. Someone with whom she doesn't butt heads with constantly. But that's not the case at all. The desire isn't there because they want to be challenged so much as they want a partner who won't shy away, when they become domineering. My most rewarding relationship was with a woman Alpha. It worked because we respected the hell out of each other. There were things she had a stronger opinion and others that were important to me. Because we were both leaders, it allowed us to sort of pick and choose where each of us led. She never thought she'd want to be with another Alpha and was surprised by how much she enjoyed it. Apparently all of her previous significant others complained that she was too much of a ball buster and rather high maintenance. I found her to be anything but.
If we delve a bit deeper, we can gain more of an understanding as to the specific attributes women find appealing. We'll do this by discussing two Alpha traits that I've repeatedly been told men fall short on. I've heard women repeatedly complain about men being indecisive, with several using the exact same example. Any truly observant man must admit that it's mostly women who run the household on a daily basis. They're usually the one to deal with the kids, plan meals, and most everything else to keep the family afloat. Sometimes, they want their husband / significant other to take them out for dinner and they don't want to make yet another decision about where to go. When they ask him to choose, they'll receive a response of I don't know, what do you want? You can get away with that exchange once, but on the second go around, you'd better man up and pick a restaurant. That's a minor detail, you're saying. It might be to you, but I've lost count of how many times I've heard thank God you're able to make a decision! My ex-husband and every other guy I've dated couldn't do that simple thing for me and it drove me crazy! Even if he accidentally chose a place we wound up hating, we'd hate it together and still find a way to make it fun! Yeah, it's that important, guys.
In my opinion, that theme applies to almost every aspect of a relationship. The Alpha is considerate of what their partner wants and will defer to her desires (so long as they're within reason, obviously). However, in the absence of a strong opinion, he'll take the lead and make it happen, whether that be dinner, a vacation, or other things a couple does.
If you understand women at all, you know that sometimes, it's the little things that can mean so much. From what I've gathered, in speaking with various women, the restaurant challenge tends to be rather symbolic, more than substantive, but indicates a greater problem. The overall message being, I've given up on him being decisive on larger issues, but you'd think he could make one minor decision.
The other area women tell me men fall short is being dominant in the bedroom. It is the rare woman who doesn't want their man to own them in the bedroom, and only a true Alpha can do it. This and the reasons why, were covered in my blog celebrating sluts. But if a man is indecisive or meek everywhere else, he just can't sell being an Alpha in the bedroom, to the frustration of his partner.
At this point, I could offend a large chunk of my male readers and share that one of the other resounding messages I've heard from women is that pretty much every man in their relationship history couldn't pass muster as an Alpha. Or, I could explore valuable tools on how to ensure you're perceived as an Alpha, but how many men would read that? Hell, there's a guy sitting in his parents' basement, whose only ever been with a woman once yet he's confident he's a rock solid Alpha male. No, I've answered the two questions I'd posed at the outset of this entry, so I'll leave it there.
