If you're in a relationship that's less than a few years old, I want you to take a look at your significant other and ask yourself what attributes he or she possesses that made you partner with them. Being honest with yourself, is one of them that he or she is safe? Is one of the most appealing features of your partner that you know they won't leave you? If so, are you living a fulfilling a relationship or are you satisficing?
Satisficing is a decision-making strategy that aims for a satisfactory or adequate result, rather than the optimal solution. In other words, 'so long as he's stable and won't leave me, I'll partner with him.'
Don't get me wrong, security is important in a relationship; after all, none of us would eagerly partner with someone you knew would likely run like hell, when some heavy lifting was required. But what do we sacrifice for that security?
As usual, I'll share some of my own experiences to illuminate the dynamics of dating for safety. We'll start with my ex-wife, who I've written about before. After I ended the marriage, she immediately jumped into the dating pool and coupled with a guy who clearly exhibited safety. Before going any further, I'll refresh my readers on my wife's attributes that are salient to this topic, which were that she was very attractive and skilled at manipulation. As a result, she could have had a wide choice of men. The one she chose was mostly unemployed (he has a graphics business with no website) and demonstrated no indication of a backbone, the times our paths crossed. My intent isn't to insult him, rather than stating facts. She was the one in charge and was obviously the hottest piece of ass this guy had ever gotten his hands on. In summary, this guy wasn't going anywhere; he was eminently safe. As evidence, they've been together for over ten years, which is longer than any of her previous relationships.
I'd also previously referenced my next example, which is a woman who left me before I could leave her. She latched the fuck onto the next guy she dated and wound up marrying him. In her case, because we remained friends for a bit, I am well aware of the sacrifices she made. Again, it was obvious this woman was the hottest thing he'd ever dated and was obviously not going anywhere. She would complain to me how the guy was a mess, from the divorce he was going through, and was the stereotypical dull dude. How uncultured he was and that he was a raging homebody (she was the opposite). He had four of his own kids, where she had two. Again, no insult intended, but her resentment for her own children lived just below the surface, yet she signed up for a full boat Brady Bunch? He was gainfully employed, however.
The one attribute these men shared was their commitment. 'Til death do us part, even if you're the cause of my imminent demise.'
This would be all well and fine if one could accurately identify the safe ones. In my experience, the ones who we perceive as having no better options to be the safest. Except that's not the case. I'll speak for men, because I am men. You give some poor shlub an amazing, gorgeous woman who's a rock star in the sack, and he may very well begin believing he can attract other women out of his league. Mr. Safety isn't quite as safe as you thought. Of course, he'll realize that's not the case and come crawling back, but that's another topic.
So, look at your significant other again and ask yourself if you're satisficing.
