Of Alligators and Mental Illness

There was once a man who loved alligators.  He loved them so much that he decided to keep one as a pet.  He named it George and he loved George dearly.  He gave George only the best alligator food and kept him well fed.  He would spend hours talking to George lovingly, giving him massages, and bathing him.  Every day, he told George how much he loved him and that they should be kind to each other.  Then, one day, George wrapped his jaws around the man’s head and killed him.  When the man reached St. Peter’s gates, he was in great conflict.  Had he not loved George enough, that George mauled him?  St. Peter looked at the man and said ‘What did you expect? It’s an alligator, you moron, and that’s what alligators do, they bite people!’

The moral of the story is that some creatures will behave in a certain way, because they’re hard wired to do so.  There’s no logic and no amount of reasoning that will change that behavior.

At this point, I'm certain you're wondering what the hell this has to do with my normal blog content.  This isn't Animal Planet, numb nuts!

The reason for sharing the story is because, like alligators, people can become hard wired for certain behavior.  In both animals, that wiring exists for their own survival or to prevent them from being harmed.  The behavior, in humans, is often learned (nurture over nature) and is usually the result of some sort of emotional trauma(s) in their lives.  This behavior is often irrational and in many cases, self-destructive.  However, it's just as predictable and unchanging as that of the alligator in our story.

And, just like the alligator in our story, you can't change their behavior / response, no matter what you do.  You can point out their behavior as irrational, abnormal, and every other similar adjective under the sun, yet they will remain resolute in their reasons why what they did makes sense.  Or they'll run away, if you've hit home with your argument.  However, they'll almost never reverse course.

This is why I will often refer to women who exhibit certain irrational behavior as alligators.  As always, I'll stipulate that men can also be alligators, but since I only date women, I can't speak to men's behavior.

Because I have the most experience with those suffering with abandonment issues, I'll use it an example.  The quick and dirty is that as the name implies, those suffering from the condition have an irrational fear of being abandoned.  This is often the result of some sort of abandonment they experienced.  One of the women I dated, who had the the worst abandonment issues I've encountered (short of my borderline ex-wife), could all but serve as a textbook illustration of cause and effect.  Through normal conversation, I discovered that her mother was mostly absent, during her childhood.  She had been married twice; the first husband died of cancer and the second told her, out of the blue, that he no longer loved her and wanted a divorce.  Three very important people in this woman's life had either neglected her or abandoned her.  These experiences affected her behavior in the same way as other women I've met, suffering with abandonment issues.  She tended to rush into new relationships, but only after attempting to push her new partner away (as a test to determine whether he represented a likely flight risk), and when she identified a man as a likely flight risk, she ran like hell.

And that's one of the behaviors you can count on from someone afflicted with abandonment issues.  At the first sign you may be a flight risk (perceived or real), that person will disengage and run.  I know this because I've been there.  When the woman above pushed me away, I began to disengage, thinking she wasn't interested.  Once that happened, I was banished.  It was about that time, via subsequent communication, I discovered her abandonment issues.

As noted, you can't reason, debate, bribe, threaten, or argue your way back into their lives.  Or, if you manage the remarkable, you'll be inexorably relegated to the friend zone.  I've got first hand experience on this one.

One more quick example, comes from my borderline ex-wife (who I'll write about in greater detail soon).  When I ended our marriage, I instantly became her sworn enemy.  You see, borderline personality disorder is sort of abandonment issues on steroids squared.  And to a borderline, abandoning them is a cardinal sin equal in magnitude to killing their kids.  Actually worse.  So, I knew she would try to punish me and throw every dirty trick, she could conjure, at me.  Nothing she did surprised me and in some ways, my understanding helped, because I new it wasn't 'personal'.  Likewise, I ran into traffic and ran late, on a run to collect some belongings.  I knew this was a hot button for borderlines and therefore, I'd face her unadulterated wrath, which I did.

Some readers may wonder why so much of my blog revolves around mental illness and relationships with those suffering from it.  First, I write about my experiences, and I've been involved with a number of women who suffer from mental illness.  Also, abnormal behavior both fascinates and frustrates me.  Some of the behavior exhibited, as the result of a mental disorder, can be maddening, when you're on the receiving end.  As humans, we desire order and consistency.  The sky is blue, the grass is green, and the sun rises in the East.  But alligators may believe with every fiber of their being that the grass is purple and will attempt to convince you of that until their dying breath.  You wind up sitting there, your mouth agape and eyebrows raised, trying to wrap your head around what they've just done.  The worst case is that the irrational behavior has caused pain, because it came from someone you care about.

Now, when I refer to someone as an alligator, you'll understand the meaning behind it.

How many of you have been affected by an alligator?

Asking For What You Need

In just the past couple of months, I've taken some harsh criticism for something I take very seriously, not being there to support someone I love.  Both accusations came from women; they hurt but also, to be blunt, pissed me off.  Why?  Because, in both instances, I wasn't aware they needed my support until I was accused of neglecting them.  And that's the theme of this blog.

If you want something, ask for it!

This goes for anything you may need someone you love to provide for you.  Support, sex, a shoulder to cry on, dinner out, whatever.  However, we're not talking about another Prada bag or giving up golf.  You're on your own for those sorts of things.

Before I go any further, let's get it out in the open; it's pretty much the men who are guilty of falling short in relationships.  We all know it so I won't couch this entry by saying it applies to both sexes; it doesn't.

People in general, and men in particular, can't be expected to read minds.  Take asking for emotional support as an example.  Men are typically brought up to not show emotion; it's seen as weakness.  Therefore, we almost never ask for someone to 'be there' for us.  We're just not wired to consider that as an option, so that need doesn't pop into our head.  If your entire family gets eaten by a herd of hippos, but you're soldiering onward, wearing a brave face, we think you've got it under control.  About the only time we'll know you need us is if you're bleeding out on the floor after a knife fight.

I'll say it again - If you need something from your partner or close friend, ask for it.  I'm not, in any way, saying you don't deserve what you're asking for.  And whatever it is may be supremely self-evident to you.  But even the most thoughtful guy is going to miss certain things from time to time.  And I'll speak for the male gender when I say we're happy to do things in order to support you.  Your happiness is very important to us.  So ask for what you need.

If you don't ask, then don't complain, because you have no right to.

He should have known about whatever it is he missed?  Perhaps, but, for whatever reason, he didn't.

Silence is tacit acceptance of what you're receiving from those around you, regardless of whether you deserve what they're not giving you.

I'll use the two women I mentioned as examples.  Those who've read my other posts will recognize both of them.  We'll start with my recent friend dumper.  It seems she was upset that I wasn't there for her during the holidays, which are a difficult time for reasons I won't share here.  Honestly, I'd forgotten, because she's always been the master of soldiering on.  I hadn't been around due to my own self-centered issues and tough time, but that's not important.  When I reached out, post holidays, she gave me the silent treatment and continues to.

When a friend isn't there for you, but you need them, which is the better option?
a) Friend 1 - 'Hey, if you're around, I could use some company.  This time of year is a bit rough for me.'
    Friend 2 - 'Sure, when do you want me to come over?  Should I bring cake?'

or

b) Silence, followed by being resentful and angry enough to cut ties with your best friend.

She indicated, on social media, that had I offered an apology, she'd have likely accepted it.  That information was a bit tough to come by, since she'd completely cut me off.  Should I have known to send an apology?  Probably.  I fucked up with her.  But obviously, I didn't.

Again, choose the better option:
a) Friend 1 - 'You suck as a friend!  You disappeared when I needed you.  You know the holidays are tough for me.'
   Friend 2 - 'Oh shit, I forgot about that.  I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you.  You deserve better from me.'

or

b) Friend 1 - Silence

The other person is the woman I was dating while I was ignoring former friend's needs for me to be there.  She was going through a challenging phase of her divorce and it was weighing heavily on her.  However, she was, wait for it, soldiering on.  After we broke up, she complained that I wasn't there for her during that tough time.

In both cases, I'm obviously sympathetic to their situation.  However, when it comes to my not being there, the blame doesn't fall solely on me.  Unless she got the bargain unit, the silver thing friend dumper carries around not only receives phone calls and emails, but it also initiates outgoing messages.  She should try it sometime; it's really awesome.  With respect to the apology, had she asked, I would have offered one; she was my best friend and I loved her for it.  But rather than ask for what she needed, both my time and an apology, she ended our friendship.

In the case of the other woman, I was in the same damned room with her, when she claims I wasn't there for her.  Yes, I was busy making Christmas cookies, but she never gave so much as a hint she needed my shoulder.  Yet she bitched just the same after the fact.

In both cases, their needs were clearly justified, reasonable, and well deserved.  Yet when they didn't receive what they needed, they didn't ask.

I'll repeat this one more time:  Had either of the two asked for me to support them, I would have dropped everything to provide that support, no questions asked.

Ultimately, we must take responsibility for our own needs, even if we're forced to rely on someone else to meet them.  Don't allow yourself fall into the trap of becoming bitter over something you could have received had you simply asked.