LGTBQ and You

 This entry will be geared primarily toward the fine folks who lean hard to the right.  Its genesis, however, was my own reflection on the topic.  Because this is a quick and dirty one, don't look for a ton of stats; just logic and common sense.

First, let's talk about why folks are LGTBQ.  The brain is an incredibly complex organ that we still don't completely understand all of its intricacies.  While our DNA plays a role in our physical attributes, most innate behaviors are simply hard wired into our brains.  The majority of our population is wired to be attracted to the opposite sex; makes sense for the whole procreation thing.  However, for just under 10%, their wiring tells them to be attracted to the same sex as they are.  In roughly 1.5% of the population, their wiring tells them they're the opposite sex from the one they were born.  These traits are present from birth and don't just pop up at majority.  

It's really not any more complicated than that.  There are some people with anatomy that's different than their brain says they are.  

What being LGTNQ isn't:
- A sickness:  no matter what the hillbillies in the Midwest claim, you can't teach someone to no longer be gay.  That's called torture.  Again, the whole hardwiring thing.

- A choice:  Folks in the LGTBQ community suffer physical and verbal abuse, are discriminated against, and generally ostracized from society.  Many torture themselves trying to be "not gay" to fit in, but hardwiring... I assure you, no one voluntarily chooses to put themselves through that hell.  

- Grooming straight kids to be LGTBQ:  Honestly, this is one of the dumbest myths going about the community.  It isn't a club that needs new members, people!  For the really dense who believe the myth about recruiting kids because gay couples can't procreate, you may have heard about this thing called adoption.  You know, for all the unwanted babies being born because the mothers were forced to bring them to term?

- Different than straight people:  For the most part, these folks want the same things as straight people.  They want to love someone and be loved back; you know, happiness shit.  

- Pedophiles:  Every legitimate study I found online said the same thing, which is 80% of pedophiles are (supposedly) straight men, leaving the 20% remainder of bisexual and homosexual men.  Don't get me started on clergy, because that's well documented.  As I've said before, I'd consider my kids to be safer with two men in drag than with a clergyman.  

Readers should note the numerous times I've mentioned children, because that's important.  As I mentioned before, gay adults began life as gay children, who go through hell growing up.  

What that means is this:

- Gay and lesbian youth are almost four times as likely to commit suicide than their straight counterparts

- Trans youth are almost six times more likely!!!*

That's what we're doing to our children.  Those who are closed minded and full of hate, give it a rest on the whole "that's a guy in women's clothing".  If that person's brain says they're a woman and she wants to live her life as a woman, let the woman be who she is, and hope for her to find her place.  She's gone through more hell than you, most likely.

For those who continually harp on how they want to protect our children, here's your opportunity to put your money where your mouth is and not be a hypocrite.  

I get it; there's an "eww" factor.  Watching gay men kiss continues to be on the icky side for me as well.  Growing up in a rural environment, I saw the LGTBQ community (they didn't have a name then) as freaks.  But then something happened to me; I grew the fuck up.

No one's asking for you to be enthusiastic with your acceptance.  Only to not hate those who want the same thing as you, but aren't the same as you.

*per JAMA published study

Other helpful studies have been linked below.

Studies on subject

Hunter's Fucking Laptop

 Breaking this out from the Twitter Files entry.

You probably already know Hunter's laptop had been dropped for repair due to liquid ingress in April, 2019.  However, because the computer guy was blind (not sure how that works), he can't confirm whether it was Hunter himself who brought it in.  When the shop reached out to advise the work had been completed, every call went unanswered.  Most repair businesses have a policy that any equipment that remained unclaimed after a specified period of time becomes the property of said business.  This business must have had a fairly short window, because the owner, a MAGA Republican, reached out to the FBI in July of that year to advise them of what he had. The FBI collected the drive in December of 2019.  Mac Isaac, the computer guy, also made copies of the drive "just in case".  

It was about that time that Rudy Giuliani was headed to Ukraine on his mission to dig dirt on the Bidens.  This adventure was receiving a lot of attention and our MAGA computer guy thought the drive might be of value.   Computer guy connected with Rudy's attorney and sent him a copy some time during Summer, 2020.  Then, in October, the New York Post began publishing articles on the contents of the drive.  All straightforward, except the drive had gotten bigger.  

Earlier this year, the Washington Post obtained a copy of the NYP / Rudy drive.  They had two separate computer experts analyze the drive and published the findings in a March 30th article.  The short version was the drive was full of corrupt data and they were only able to authenticate ~15% of the emails as definitively originating with Hunter Biden.  But also discovered something quite remarkable.  From the WAPO article that I've linked at the bottom:

"Soon after that period of inactivity — and months after the laptop itself had been taken into FBI custody — three new folders were created on the drive. Dated Sept. 1 and 2, 2020, they bore the names “Desktop Documents,” “Biden Burisma” and “Hunter. Burisma Documents.”

Williams also found records on the drive that indicated someone may have accessed the drive from a West Coast location in October 2020, little more than a week after the first New York Post stories on Hunter Biden’s laptop appeared.

Over the next few days, somebody created three additional folders on the drive, titled, “Mail,” “Salacious Pics Package” and “Big Guy File” — an apparent reference to Joe Biden."

In other words, someone had doctored the drive that that was used for the NYP article to include what one can only deduce is fabricated evidence of criminal wrongdoing.  Even our MAGA computer repair guy said, in an interview, there was a great deal more data on the drive than his original.  For those who may have dozed off, at some point after Max Isaac sent to the drive, but before the NYP article, the drive was modified in an attempt to portray the Bidens as criminals.  To close the WAPO portion, they published a story in April that echoed the March findings, along with the sentiment of "no, it really is a piece of shit and don't pay attention to it."

Some have challenged this information (because WAPO would make shit up?) by contrasting with a recent CBS story (link below) where they authenticated the drive's contents.  How could both be true?  Easy, CBS had a copy of the original drive, provided by the computer guy's attorney and not the doctored one.  They even note the existence of two versions in their story.  Of course, the doctored version is the one that's been circulating, although I think in tiny pieces, through right wing media.

Because MAGA is apparently a bunch of Karen's, they keep asking why none of the validated material has been released.  My response is "how long do you have?'  First, the FBI won't release a damned thing; period.  If it sees the light of day, it'll be part of discovery prior to a trial.  Speaking of criminal proceedings, what's a hard drive's value with no corroboration as evidence?  And is a computer guy handing the drive over considering a legal search and seizure?

Then there's the question of who really owns the data.  It's obviously legal for the repair shop to claim a piece of equipment, when a customer fails to retrieve it, but can they really claim ownership to the data on it to do with as they choose?  What if the contents of the drive included a lost Beatles album or offshore bank account numbers and passcodes, does the shop owner have the right to sell or use as his own?  From a strictly personal point of view, I'd like to think that answer to be no.  Anyway, the answer to that question, which I think is being asked in court, determines whether the drive can be used as evidence or if CBS can think about sharing. 

Also, does the data include attorney client material, intellectual property?  Would the shop owner now have a claim on an invention he didn't create?  But that's just the tip of the iceberg.  Publishing material that hints at criminal behavior, but never leads to a charge, would be monumentally stupid.  It would be a piece of cake to convince a jury that the Bidens' reputations have been materially damaged.  In a flash, the Bidens would own CBS, with money still being owed.  Obviously, it's a different story if the material is associated with a guilty verdict, but that's a huge reach.  Finally, keep in mind that DOJ rules prevent investigating a sitting President (which is why Trump fended off multiple actions while in office), so don't expect to see any activity from the FBI for two or potentially six years.  In summary, no legitimate entity is going to touch this thing, which means you should be very suspicious of those who do publish supposedly valid material from the drive.  

As a post script, there are a few other comments I'd like to add.  First, I agree that Hunter Biden was asked to be a part of Burisma and other endeavors because of who his father was and not for his qualifications.  Who wouldn't accept a cushy high paying role?  Also, everyone in my circle (and I of course) agrees that if either Hunter or Joe actually committed crimes, they should be tried and punished; period.  

WAPO Article

CBS Story

Gang Bang Queen - The Final Chapter

I'm almost embarrassed to admit that it took a couple of days to stop smarting over the recent GBQ encounter.  But I'd challenge anyone to not be shocked, taken back, etc. under the same circumstances.  The cherry on the top was, according to trick's review, she displayed more skill at certain things than she had with me.  Either that or he was inexperienced.  Or maybe she only brings her A game when she's getting paid.  I've finally been able to identify what bothered me the most / the actual emotional equivalence.  I think we all have former lovers / partners / etc. who I'll categorize as "not completely eliminated, just bad circumstances"; those who were the stars to realign, we'd entertain seeing again. They live in the back of our minds as potentially unfinished business.  However, there are rare completely disqualifying 'things', that can rip them right out of the category.  When that happens, it almost feels as though that person dies.  That's how it felt when GBQ informed me she was escorting again.  You don't recover from hooking, at least for me.  Regardless, the incident flared the fuck out of my intimacy issues.

For what it's worth, I don't think the move was to intentionally hurt me; more of a completely thoughtless way of saying "hey, look what I'm doing".  It almost felt as though she were proud of returning to sucking dick for a living, which is really quite fucked up.  For the record, I consider sex work to be actual work and I know there are those who enjoy it.  However, to leave a decent paying job to return to sex work is a different ballgame.

In reality, it felt as though she'd reached out because she lacked any real support structure in her life.  However, the more she said, the more it began to feel like a pity party.  She indicated she was done with actual relationships and made comments to the effect that she was where she belonged (I'm not sure if she meant Scotland or on her knees; maybe both.)  She didn't like the US, because of the gun violence and mass shootings.  Because her fiancé blew his brains out five years ago she continues to be triggered by anything gun related.  She said she was working to get past that, when we were dating, so it felt like she was just piling on the pity.  It would be cruel to take the position that she's not allowed to feel traumatized, but she didn't witness him do it and it's clear she's not sought any professional help to get past it.  

She was in full swing about how horrible her life was when I chimed in about her complete absence of  contrition for ghosting me, then a year later, hitting me in the face with her little hooker excursion.  As I previously mentioned, that's when she disengaged.  Fuck, she didn't so much as throw a bit of perfunctory sentiment of being sorry.  Definitely not a hooker with a heart of gold.  If I'm ever that self-absorbed, someone shoot me.

At the end, I just wanted to virtually grab her by the collar and give her the speech.  You're fifty one years old and left a decent paying job to be a fucking hooker.  Beyond sucking dick (which you didn't do that well), you have no transferrable skills that would allow you to stay in Europe and make a living.  It's time to grow the fuck up and face your challenges.  You can either seek help or be a sniveling little bitch, being triggered by everything.  And no, it's not easy being single at this stage in life; it can be traumatizing.  But how many decent men are going to want to be with a woman with a pattern of being a hooker when things get tough?  I sure as hell wouldn't date you again.  Pull your shit together and grow the fuck up.

As a final funny point (as in fucked up, not humorous), I found her online hooker ad, which lists all the services she offers and sure enough, she's available for gang bangs.  Here's the link, if you're so inclined.  (btw, she's about doubled in weight since I last saw her)

Gang Bang Queen for Hire

As of today, she only has one review and her calendar seems to be wide open.  Not much of a whore...

p.s. - I realize my tone is a bit cold on this entry, but I'm out of fucks to give for people who won't grow the fuck up.

I Was a Threat and Had to Go

We've all heard someone make such a claim to legitimize getting whacked from a job.  It's typically those you know to be incompetent who make it, so no one takes it seriously.  However, in my case, it's true.  Below is my story.  

It started out as the best thing that happened in my career.  I was an actual executive with a VP title and everything.  All of North American sales and marketing reported to me.  The company was privately held, based in Switzerland, but mostly run by Germans.  I was the first American to run the business in over a decade as was my boss, the president of North America.  

Unfortunately, I quickly realized my boss was in way over his head.  He'd never actually managed anyone before and his previous role was as an application engineer.  The controller and I agreed we'd mentor the president; we were confident he'd rise to the occasion.  Except, not only did he not rise, he withdrew and became more resentful toward me as time went by.  

When I started, he told me he would be in the office from 9 a.m. until 3 p.m. as he was responsible for the logistics for his offspring at school.  He'd be working from home and available on his mobile outside that window.  Except not only did he keep that same schedule year round, he was completely dark, when not in the office.  And that's when he decided to come in at all.  On the full days he worked from home, he was not only unreachable, but occasionally posted golf scores on his FB page (according to those who were friends with him).  There were periods of time where no one knew where he was or could get in touch with him.  One of those was when a board member from Switzerland popped by.  'We were in the same meetings, how could he just disappear?'

The man refused to make a decision on anything.  The most jaw dropping example was at a baseball game.  We'd booked sky boxes for the entire staff, complete with catering.  Sometime around the 6th inning, a hostess popped by to ask Jason if we were about done eating or would we like a final food restock.  My girlfriend and I were sitting behind Jason and were both stunned when he literally began to stammer, finally spitting out 'uh...go ask our controller'.  That's how paralyzed he was.  

Another perfect example of his complete lack of ownership was the day our office was in the path of a complete nightmare of a storm.  Hail, wind, torrential rain.  It was so bad, I grabbed my team and hustled them to the safest place in the building I could think of.  No surprise that we lost power.  That shouldn't have been a problem because our building had a generator.  But it wouldn't start because Jason hadn't signed the maintenance agreement.  So there we were; about 20 people dead in the water without power.  After it was clear that situation wouldn't be remedied any time soon, I headed over to Jason's office to huddle up on next steps.  I planned to let my own people go home, but he owned the operations side.  I wanted us to be aligned on our actions.  When I reached his door, he was in front of it, his cute little backpack on his shoulders, locking it up.  When I asked what he was doing, he said 'I'm goin' home.'   I stood there dumbfounded as he walked away, his people stuck in the dead building because he hadn't given them permission to leave.  I turned on my heel and went around, sending everyone home.  The most telling aspect of the story came the next morning, when the warehouse manager called my cell to inform me the power was still off and that they needed direction.  Despite being completely useless, I always deferred to Jason on operations issues and responded to the warehouse manager that Jason would have to make that call.  She interupted me mid sentence to say she'd already tried him and it went right to voicemail.  Then, she said something to the effect of 'you and I both know Jason's MIA and couldn't make a decision even if she could reach him.  Wow.

Because of his paralysis, I became the de facto leader of North America.  And I worked my ass off for my team; 60 hour weeks were the norm.  I quickly garnered their respect by being decisive and having a vision for the future (and communicating it).  There were literally occasions where a customer service person would stop at my door and say 'I'm so excited for the direction you're taking us'.  I shit you not.  

It was quite the downward spiral.  Jason could see he'd lost the team's respect, whereas I'd gained it.  His resentment toward me grew stronger by the day, as he saw me being who the team looked to.  He'd occasionally try to force me to kiss the ring, by berating me for doing something he didn't like, but would come up empty when I'd ask how I should have handled it.  We were spending too much money on promotion, but I caught hell for planning to skip some expensive trade shows, where we didn't have anything new to promote anyway.  There are those who would suggest he was afraid of me.  Those episodes became more and more common, until they reached a breaking point.  I remember telling him 'you want to be a leader, then you have to lead!!!'

Shortly after, there was some sort of upcoming celebration planned, with both the Swiss owner and the CEO coming in to participate.  I had solid relationships with both.  Things with Jason had gotten to the point where it was time for all of his laundry to come out.  It was time for a coup.  Obviously, I kept that to myself, but Jason would have had to be brain dead to not realize I had reached my limit and would serve up a mound of dirt on him.  I suspect there were also things he caved on to the Germans that he was afraid to tell me, so he was afraid of what I'd say about that to the Swiss.  

That's when Jason actually grew a pair of balls and made a decision (to save himself).  He lobbed a note to the aforementioned owner and CEO stating I had to be dismissed with utmost urgency.  This note also outlined my various, and completely fictitious transgressions, to support his decision.  Because the Swiss are scum bags (I've got a dozen data points on that one), they let him do it.  I know these things because the owner and his wife invited me to dinner with them, the next time they were in town and shared the whole thing.  Hans said it came out of the blue.  I remember looking him in the eye and asking, 'didn't you think the timing was a bit odd, Hans?  He absolutely had to get rid of me right before you and Walter came over.'  Blank stare.  With Hans being Swiss, it was dropped there.  

Returning to when I was shown the door, Jason waited until a day I was working from home to inform me.  Some might say he was too afraid to do it face to face.  I was told I was done, that someone would be by to collect company property, and that I would be arrested if found on the company property.  Then came the crown jewel.  Jason went around to the members of my team I was closest to and informed them they were to have no communication with me and doing so would be grounds for termination.  What would lead the president of a company to put illegal conditions on employment for select individuals? 

In the years since, the owner recognized he was in over his head (we was a young guy and his grandfather was the founder) and hired a professional management team.  I'm sure the new CEO took a all of two minutes to see Jason for what he was, although it took a year before Jason was demoted back to engineering manager, having led the North American operation to double digit losses in the interim.  

Info about the company and Jason here.

Marriage Number Four Down in Flames!

For those who've muddled through my previous entries, you're aware of how my ex-wife is the gift that gave and has kept on giving.  From the manipulation, to the throwing of the ham, to the hell she put me through in our divorce, marrying hubby number four, and the piece de resistance, becoming a wedding officiant.  I thought that she was done, hoped she was done because I genuinely hold no ill will toward her and want her to be happy, because she's got more than her fair share of demons to contend with.  But I was optimistic because she and Number Four have been together for ten years, a new record for her.  I thought of her the other day and wondered if she'd finally gotten it together.

Then today, my father called to inform me that Number Four's mother reached out to him.  Apparently, the marriage is on its last leg and circling the drain, and NF wanted to know what divorce attorney I'd used.  I can only speculate that my ex complained about how much of a bastard the guy was, hence his desire to go with the same formula.  My attorney has no love lost for my ex, partially because she was trash talking him to his (unbeknownst to her) daughter at a cocktail party.  Oops...  Maybe he'll offer a discount; she is a repeat defendant after all.

I feel for the guy, because everyone who knows him has nothing but praise for how kind and goodhearted he is.  But as I've noted before, you have to be pretty naive and more than a little dense to sign up to be Number Four in the first place.  Poor guy is about to enter a living hell, when he asks for a divorce and no one deserves that.  I'm hoping to connect with him before he pulls the trigger, so he can at least be a little prepared for the firestorm that's about to engulf him.


All part of life's rich pageant, my friends.  Thankfully, I'm not on the stage as one of the players, this time.

When The Balance Of Power Turns

No, this isn't about D/s or even about sex.  Consider it more of a life lesson on how you treat the candidates you interview for a job.

To keep it brief, back in September, I interviewed for a job North Carolina.  It was a good fit, for a number of reasons I won't go into and I was excited about moving back to the East Coast.  Shocker, I know.  I even had an inside track in the form of a friend whose agency does all the marketing communications for this company.  He fed me all the info he got on the other candidates and how their interviews went, from another friend who worked for the company.  Total lock, right?

Well, the hiring manager didn't think so.  This job was sales management and he thought I was 'too much of a marketing guy.'  Except despite my follow up just outside the time he committed to have a decision to me, the guy was dark.  I actually found out I didn't get the position from my friend.

Fast forward two months and I'm sitting in a global marketing meeting, where one of my colleagues speaks about developing an electric ass scratcher (make believe product the company I interviewed manufactures).  I see an excellent opportunity to partner with an expert on electric ass scratchers, instead of trying to develop our own, because our value proposition is high tech anti itch solutions, of which we have significant market share.  I intended to connect my team with the company in NC, but then I thought, fuck them; they didn't have the decency to provide me with some form of feedback. The vindictive part of me wanted to reach out to rub it in the ass scratcher's face, that being an asshole lost them a fuck ton of revenue and market visibility.  But I'm too professional, burning bridges and all. 

Things changed the next evening, because I finally did receive a rejection email from ass scratcher.

I responded and concluded with this:
Furthermore, during our global marketing meeting, last week, one of the other market managers mentioned development on a ass scratcher unit and the potential need for a higher capacity ass scratching system.  I informed him that there were companies whose sole business was ass scratching management and that he should consider partnering with one, rather than reinventing the wheel internally, particularly because the market position our company enjoys in this application would drive significant revenue for both parties.

Best Regards,

So, back to the moral which is essentially the golden rule, because being an asshole can get you fucked out of millions in revenue.

Satisficing In Your Relationship

If you're in a relationship that's less than a few years old, I want you to take a look at your significant other and ask yourself what attributes he or she possesses that made you partner with them.  Being  honest with yourself, is one of them that he or she is safe?  Is one of the most appealing features of your partner that you know they won't leave you?  If so, are you living a fulfilling a relationship or are you satisficing?

Satisficing is a decision-making strategy that aims for a satisfactory or adequate result, rather than the optimal solution.  In other words, 'so long as he's stable and won't leave me, I'll partner with him.'

Don't get me wrong, security is important in a relationship; after all, none of us would eagerly partner with someone you knew would likely run like hell, when some heavy lifting was required.  But what do we sacrifice for that security?

As usual, I'll share some of my own experiences to illuminate the dynamics of dating for safety.  We'll start with my ex-wife, who I've written about before.  After I ended the marriage, she immediately jumped into the dating pool and coupled with a guy who clearly exhibited safety.  Before going any further, I'll refresh my readers on my wife's attributes that are salient to this topic, which were that she was very attractive and skilled at manipulation.  As a result, she could have had a wide choice of men.  The one she chose was mostly unemployed (he has a graphics business with no website) and demonstrated no indication of a backbone, the times our paths crossed.  My intent isn't to insult him, rather than stating facts.  She was the one in charge and was obviously the hottest piece of ass this guy had ever gotten his hands on.  In summary, this guy wasn't going anywhere; he was eminently safe.  As evidence, they've been together for over ten years, which is longer than any of her previous relationships.

I'd also previously referenced my next example, which is a woman who left me before I could leave her.  She latched the fuck onto the next guy she dated and wound up marrying him.  In her case, because we remained friends for a bit, I am well aware of the sacrifices she made.  Again, it was obvious this woman was the hottest thing he'd ever dated and was obviously not going anywhere.  She would complain to me how the guy was a mess, from the divorce he was going through, and was the stereotypical dull dude.   How uncultured he was and that he was a raging homebody (she was the opposite).  He had four of his own kids, where she had two.  Again, no insult intended, but her resentment for her own children lived just below the surface, yet she signed up for a full boat Brady Bunch?  He was gainfully employed, however. 

The one attribute these men shared was their commitment.  'Til death do us part, even if you're the cause of my imminent demise.' 

This would be all well and fine if one could accurately identify the safe ones.  In my experience, the ones who we perceive as having no better options to be the safest.  Except that's not the case.  I'll speak for men, because I am men.  You give some poor shlub an amazing, gorgeous woman who's a rock star in the sack, and he may very well begin believing he can attract other women out of his league.  Mr. Safety isn't quite as safe as you thought.  Of course, he'll realize that's not the case and come crawling back, but that's another topic.

So, look at your significant other again and ask yourself if you're satisficing.

Out of Work Trophy Wife Encounter

Yes readers, one sneaked through my selection process and it didn't end well.  Our first interaction was through Match and she seemed intelligent, motivated, kind, and hot, but not OWTW hot.  Her profile and initial round of notes indicated she was a special needs teacher.  I'll fast forward through much of the intervening communication and provide the salient facts, since she's not really worth typing a great deal about.  We got onto the topic of sex, she wanted it, I'm a master at talking dirty and creating images, we were going to meet last night for dinner and she'd come over and begin to explore her submissive side.  I do love me some exploration.  We both seemed to want a genuine relationship and I parroted her desires, in that aspect of our communication.  I probably took it a bit further due to a combination of excitement over (seemingly) finding someone in Kansas worth dating. 

At this point, I'll mention recognizing a few red flags pointing to a potential OWTW, including how her successful, and apparently fuck nuts, attorney husband had traded her in on a younger model.

The day before our date, she went a bit dark, cutting email down to a single note.  I asked her if everything was okay, at which point she told me she thought I was pushing for something more serious than she wanted.  I responded that I had no interest in jumping into anything.  Her note made it clear she didn't accept what I'd told her.  Perhaps if I'd mentioned that there's no way in hell I want to establish anything remotely resembling roots in fucking Kansas. 

By the time our date rolled around, I knew there was no way she was coming home with me.  She arrived decked out in designer clothing and admittedly, looked quite delicious.  Dinner was full of vacuous conversation, where I learned she actually wasn't teaching, or working at all.  She was dabbling and not happy with any of her teaching options.  That one wasn't an immediate bell, because I was still determining whether I could get her in the sack.  Sorry, I'm a guy after all.  Dinner ended, with no conversation about her coming home with me, so I broached the topic.  As expected, she declined, sticking to her story of my wanting to move too quickly and how she didn't want to hurt me.  I commented that she had clearly made up her mind before coming to dinner, which she denied.  I'll come back to that.

I made the mistake of asking something to the effect of why she came to dinner, knowing she wasn't going home with me.  And she let me have it with everything she could think of: the rushing into a relationship, how she didn't like the phrasing I used in one of my notes, how I didn't apologize properly for something she felt I needed to apologize.  She was put off that I couldn't come up with any sexual fantasies, when she asked (sorry, they're not really fantasies after they've been fulfilled).  Then, she berated me for foisting fantasies onto her (except they weren't fantasies, but dirty things most other women enjoyed).  She took issue with things I'd said that I never said; those had to have come from some other guy.  On and on it went, with no end in sight.  I've had women I'd been dating for months tell me off in a shorter amount of time than this woman I'd just met.   She'd run through her list of transgressions, then circle back to the beginning, finding some new grievance to add for the next rotation.  I've never experienced anything like this!  I did everything I could think of to indicate the conversation was over, to gracefully make an exit.  I did this twice, but she wasn't losing any steam, so I wound up doing something I've never done before.  I got up and walked out on her, muttering something to the effect of 'have a nice life'.

It hit me later that all of these supposed transgressions occurred before we laid eyes on each other, so which only adds fuel to my previous query of why did she meet in the first place.  What a truly horrible encounter.

As I'm sure you can tell, I'm still angered by the whole episode, but was able to perform a post mortem on the date and finally uncover her motive for coming to dinner; the only possible motive.  She was still sexed up, from the dirty talk I'd been plying her with and was hoping I'd be more of a stud muffin than I appeared in my pictures.  At that point, she would have likely forgotten the whole 'hurting others' thing and gone home with me.  Transparent and shallow; not the things I look for in a woman.

And what pisses me off the most is I spent $30 on some fucking grapefruit flavored Absolut that she asked for me to have for her.  It's not the money, mind you, but the reminder of the bitch every time I open the freezer.  I sure as hell won't drink it.  Anyone want a bottle of nasty vodka?

Blast From Past - My Turkish FWB

This entry is a bit unusual for me, because I'm taking a hard swipe at someone.  Surprisingly, that person was the subject of a previous swipe.  Read into that as you wish.  My style is a bit raw and unrefined in this entry as well.  You could interpret that to mean the topic wasn't important enough for me to edit and polish my writing.  Or not...

When I was back in Richmond a few months ago, I had dinner with the former Turkish FWB I'd written about in The Girl Who Owned Nothing.  I didn't mention the FWB part earlier, but that was a significant portion of our friendship.  Anyway, I thought it would be nice to see her and, yes, perhaps enjoy some dirtiness.  However, the evening wound up being one of the most unpleasant experiences I've had in recent memory.  I'd have written about it sooner, except I'd not bothered to walk through the events, with a critical eye, until now.  I tend to be a trusting sort with those I know, particularly if they've had my cock in their mouth, so I'm not attempting to spot lies.  If someone's a known manipulative fuck, then I'm likely discounting everything that comes from their mouths in the first place.  Speaking of fucks, I didn't have enough to care all that much about that evening. 

I'll hold my conclusion on the matter and let my readers reach their own conclusions about what the hell was going through her mind.

When I'd reached out to FWB and let her know I was coming to town, she was aloof and made it clear a yet to be scheduled date with any other guy would take precedence over dinner with me and we definitely would NOT be having sex.  It's heartwarming to feel welcomed by your friends.

During dinner, she regaled me with tales of having sex with different men and told me that one in particular was amazing.  I asked what made him that way; what did he do to you?  There was nothing specific, she said, just that the passion was so incredibly intense with him.  I asked if any of these men had taken her ass from me or if I was still the only man who'd given her that pleasure.  She told me I was still the only one, but quickly moved on to another topic.  That seemed a bit strange, considering that was what she wanted most, once I introduced her to the act.  If things were so passionate, why not ask for him to take her ass, too? 

The conversation remained on the topic of sex.  On orgasms, she had once told me she'd had more in the first encounter with me than her whole life up until that night.  During dinner, that story changed.  She claimed that I'd misunderstood her, when she'd said she was a virgin when she married her husband.  'We fucked like bunnies even before we were married and he gave me lots of orgasms.' 

Hmmm...I feel a theme in here somewhere.

Oral sex - Our first time together, her blowjob skills were rather lacking; hell, she'd not had much experience.  However, she took direction well, so with plenty of  coaching, and a few videos I sent over, she became one of the best I've ever had.  When the topic came up, during my recent visit, she told me she learned on her own, just by watching videos and that I had nothing to do with it.

Dick Size - One of the men she told me she slept with had a huge penis.  Now, this woman is tiny in every way, so I asked if it hurt, to which she replied it was amazing having something that big in her.  I'm average size, but have zero envy of larger cocks.

Surprisingly, my ego wasn't bruised with the pelting of veiled insults.  However, it did sting a bit how she seemed to intentionally try to hurt me exactly where she thought she could do the most damage.   I work hard to discover all the little things that drive my partner crazy, so I take pride in my skills in the bedroom.  She knew this because she'd once told me 'your dedication to fucking is superior'.  Yes, I wrote it down because I found it humorous.  But she seemed to deliberately attack my ability as a lover.

Then, a few weeks later, I returned to the conversation and began considering the things she said.  Let's just say the bullshit began piling up.  Was the husband who rocked her world the same one she complained had been horrible in the sack, sometimes prematurely ejaculating before he'd gotten undressed?  Did I miss her commenting on how watching blowjob videos and learning on her own improved her skills, when she'd been blowing me?  And that amazing huge dick she loved so much; what about the well-endowed guy she'd slept with after I cut her off?  The one who she said hurt her, because he was so large.  And why again didn't she want that non-specifically passionate guy to not do the thing that made her orgasm the hardest?  The non-specifically passionate guy who began the evening described as the love of her life and ended as just a fuck buddy, who used her for sex, then took another woman to his condo in Miami. 

There were a few other things she said that evening that were in direct contradiction to her previous messaging.  When she read of my imminent departure to KC, she came by my house, literally in tears, to say goodbye.  I remarked that I was surprised she wasn't upset about the blog entry, to which she sniffed and responded 'it was true'.  Except it suddenly became not true during dinner.  I must have heard her wrong.  Damned hearing clearly requires a professional assessment. 

Then the obvious hit me.  She had wanted me for herself the whole time and I rejected her.  The evening full of jabs were her way of getting back at me.  As with the manipulation, while we were involved with one another, it was petty and childish.  But I still felt bad for hurting her.

So, the other night, I sent her a note apologizing for causing her so much pain.  She responded by denying that was the case, of course.  I may have shot a note back wondering why she spent an entire evening lying, in a deliberate attempt to hurt me.  Or not...some things need to be a mystery.

Do You Know Yourself? Really?

The words on the screen stung a bit.  They were from a woman with whom I thought I saw what could be an amazing relationship.  Our third date had been even more fun than the previous two and it was clear our desire would take over on number four and we'd become intimate.  I'd told her I wanted us to be exclusive.  Regular readers know I'm a fan of monogamy, plus I really liked this woman.  But there were the words.

I don't want an exclusive sexual relationship with you.

After a bit of back and forth, I got to the heart of the matter.  She wanted a sexual relationship with me but wanted to explore new possibilities, being fresh out of her marriage (dating separated people...never a good idea).  She wanted to sleep around a bit.

I responded by asking "you know we're talking about you, right?  The woman who, on our second date, wouldn't invite me up to her apartment in order to continue the heavy make out session that had begun in my car because 'I barely know you'.  The same woman, who on our third date, required some serious arm twisting before she finally relented to having me up; for the same reason, I might add.  (and not to have sex) And you think you can casually fuck random guys?"

While we were a couple, we would often joke about that, and she would always finish with 'I could totally be a slut.'  Sure you could, sweetheart.

My point in sharing this story is that her lack of understanding of who she was and what she was capable of could have torpedoed something great between the two of us.  (instead, it was her abysmal self-esteem that served as the projectile, but that's another story)

The experience that spurred this entry though, occurred recently, and was deja vu all over again with a similar encounter a few years ago.  While both women fell into the same demographic, two data points do not make a trend.  But the data points are the same.  The women were full blown submissives, who hadn't been with a man in at least a year.  Having spotted their concealed desires, I brought each 'out of their shell' and was met with a sentiment of 'I want you to take me asap' and called 'master' by both.  Then, to borrow a line from Top Gun, they each realized their sex drive wrote a check their body couldn't cash.  In other words, both flaked.  The first got halfway to the wine bar, at which we were meeting, and realized she couldn't go through with fucking a complete stranger.  She was apologetic, I was supportive.  There was some chemistry, but we never reconnected.  The second one ghosted me before we could meet.  I sent her a note a week or so after, asking why she ghosted me, to which she responded to the effect of 'those things you said to me before we even met were screwed up'.  Oh, you mean the things that you were self-stimulating to as I said them?  As noted, both women couldn't overcome their own inhibitions, even though they clearly thought they could.

The moral of these stories is understanding the person in the mirror is vital, when you're attempting to find a mate or chart your course.  Without knowing yourself, you can never hope to truly know someone else.

Happy dating, readers.

Confessions of a Former Womanizer

Yes, I'm the former womanizer and have just opened myself up to the scorn of my female readers.
If you’ve read my previous posts, I like to remain as close to bulletproof as possible, so why the hell would I expose myself in this way?   I read a blog post, earlier today, written by a woman who had a man romance her, then sleep with her, and then bolt.  She was genuinely confused and hurt over what took place.  I wanted to share one potential reason why men act in this manner, from the perspective of someone who knows exactly what goes on in the jerk’s mind.  To reinforce what many women already know (but still get bruised), which is – When a guy bolts like this, it almost never is the result of shortcomings he sees in you, rather it’s driven by those he sees in himself.

What follows are my own personal experiences and rather raw admissions, as well as some of what I found, when I did some research a few years ago. I’m not a trained mental health professional; this post is not intended to diagnose, treat, blah blah blah.

Also, this post is not meant to excuse the behavior.  I know I hurt a number of women and for that, I’m ashamed.

On with the story - There was a period of time, after I separated from my wife, where I slept with a quite a number of women. It was the same pattern over and over. Seduce them, sleep with them once or maybe twice, and then bail, often leaving them hurt. Yep, that’s what a womanizer does. And you’re probably thinking I was reveling in boosting my body count and feeling like a stud. The truth is it left me ashamed and feeling like a complete loser.  I can’t speak for all men, but if you’re somewhat skilled at luring a woman into your bed, at some point, you don’t care about augmenting your body count.  I know I didn’t.   My goal wasn't to sleep with a bunch of random women, then leave them. What I wanted was to have a genuine loving relationship.  So, what was keeping me bed hopping?

Some background for you, before I go any further. Those who’ve read my other posts know I was married to a woman with borderline personality disorder. If you’re not familiar with the condition, take a moment to look it up or read about my experience. Go ahead; I’ll wait. The short version, in the context of this entry, is that borderlines will manipulate you, lie to you, gaslight you, exploit your vulnerabilities, and generally make you feel worthless. Yeah, it sucked and left me with a completely demolished sense of self-esteem and an unhealthy fear of intimacy.

When I left her and got back into the dating world, it was scary as hell. My marriage taught me that being vulnerable to someone was to be avoided at all costs. Vulnerability=Pain=Bad  Yet, I knew that a genuine, solid relationship requires vulnerability to your partner. The result was this insane tug of war inside my head, which was depressing on a high order. I ultimately became an alligator and one of the whackjobs I harp on.

So, what the fuck was going through my head that would cause me to bolt? There were a few different lines of thought that popped into my head, depending on the situation. But they all centered on a common theme that shouldn’t surprise anyone:  ‘she’s going to figure out how much of a loser I am; I’d better run before she does and hurts me.’

Others were variations on this theme.

‘How am I going to follow this up?’ – It’s easy to capture someone’s attention and entice them toward you. As bad as this sounds, it tends to be a formula. Share this story, flirt this way, show how you’re confident with this anecdote, that you’re warm and caring with another, flirt some more. But, no surprise, you lead with your best material, then panic because you think you don’t have anything left to hold her attention, once you’ve captured it. Of course, that’s bullshit, because women want you to be yourself and not put on a show, once they’ve decided to ‘let you in’. But don’t try to convince your subconscious of that.

The Maverick / ‘No, it’s no good.’ – The movie, Top Gun, is full of valuable life lessons for just about any situation. In this case, if you remember when Maverick got back in the air, after killing Goose, he lost his nerve and would disengage, saying ‘No, it’s no good’. I did the same thing, but my rationale for disengaging was built upon as many reasons I could concoct to convince myself a relationship wouldn’t work with this particular woman.

What I was not thinking was how to sleep with as many women as I could and who cares if I hurt them. Again, I’m not trying to excuse the behavior, but I’d be willing to bet that 99% of the guys who act like jerks aren’t making a conscious decision to do so.

I’ve read that those with similar issues to what I suffered crave the thrill of the chase more than men without issues. Then they lose interest once the challenge has gone away. I don’t know if I buy into that, although research shows the free testosterone a man's body releases when in contact with a lovely woman creates an almost euphoric effect.  I know I've felt it.  Those who suffer with intimacy and/or abandonment issues enjoy a larger number of chases, only because they’re compelled to run away, once the shit gets real. You wind up repeating the cycle more frequently than a well-grounded male. But to say these men enjoy the overall experience more doesn’t ring true. Perhaps, it becomes a sort of soothing factor to them in the same way being in a relationship soothes men who can have one. I’ll let someone with the proper training weigh in on that.

I’m happy to say I’ve broken my own cycle of behavior. Therapy helped, but recognizing I had an issue and being mindful about allowing those toxic thoughts into my head has paid even greater dividends. Since then, I’ve had a few actual relationships.  Most importantly, I’ve not slept with, then bolted on a single woman.

This entry was penned a few years ago, yet never posted.  In the interim, I experienced the turmoil with Sloan, with whom I was vulnerable like a boss and hurt rather badly.  What a strong refresher to my subconscious of how vulnerability leads to anything but pain and disappointment.  I guess we'll see whether I fall off the wagon; I honestly hope I won't.

Love - It's a Verb Dammit

The following is the maiden entry in my now world famous blog 😎.  However, for reasons unbeknownst to me, it had disappeared.  Obviously, this can't stand, so I'm reposting it, with a few edits to tighten it up (or make it worse, depending how you look at it).  The entry is important to me for both the message and circumstances that caused me to write it.  Also, there are a number of other entries in my blog that refer back to this one.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about love.  We all want to love and be loved; anyone who claims they don’t is lying. Those three little words can so intoxicating to hear from someone you think hung the moon.  But, do we really understand what it means to love someone?  To me, it involves so much more than emotion.  To me, love is a verb.

Emotion is the feeling that forms for those we feel very strongly about. It’s sort of the ‘secret sauce’ of a relationship and something that I’m not so arrogant to think I can tackle explaining. You can read one of the myriad of studies on the topic, should you wish to delve deeper into that particular facet.

Blah, blah, blah…tell me something I don’t know.

Okay, how about this? Love cannot be love without commitment, a conscious decision to consider the other person’s happiness and well-being as a priority in your actions.

Alongside commitment, comes sacrifice, because in order to place that priority on the other person’s well-being, it often requires you to give something up. For example, you don’t buy the Porsche so your wife will have the funds for grad school.  You sacrifice willingly and happily for the other person.

The two components of emotional bond and commitment must total up to some value, which I won’t attempt to quantify here, in order for true love to exist. However, both must be present. This basic structure applies to all forms of love; romantic, familial, love of friends, etc. The ratios will fluctuate accordingly, depending upon the type of love.

I’m sure we all know a couple who’s been together forever and their entire lives revolve around each other.  They've become so emotionally bonded, that they'd be lost without the other and their entire lives have been about making each other happy.  What about some other examples? A mother loves her newborn baby more than life itself, but beyond the whole imprinting and chemical stuff, how much emotion could she really feel for a screaming, poop machine that won’t let her sleep?  Yet, she sacrifices sleep, her social life, a healthy chunk of her income, and so on because of an unbreakable commitment to its well-being.  I can't think of a more perfect example of love as a verb.

The genesis of this entry occurred about a month and a half after Sloan and I became a couple, when I told her I loved her for the first time.  She took issue with my doing so, saying I didn't know her well enough to feel that way.  I responded that love was a verb and I'd made a commitment to make her happiness a priority.  I still live that commitment as much as I'm able, under the circumstances, as does she.

On the flip side, we have way too many members of our society who allow their emotions to run amok, fall for every person they sleep with, and call it love. But when loving that person becomes work and requires effort, they’re not quite as in love as they thought. The emotion may have been there, but the commitment was non-existent. And that’s one of the reasons our divorce rate is so damned high.

Fortunately, I’ve only experienced this with one woman I loved. She was all in for the lavish dinners, vacations, gifts, and attention heaped upon her. But, when our relationship required work (in this case, honest communication), she ran for the exit.

I’ve dated enough women to have heard every rationale known to man for their previous marriage ending. I can completely buy infidelity as a valid reason to walk away.  Abuse, a no brainer.  A marriage isn’t much good if one of the partners doesn’t honor their commitment to the other.  But, there have been a few who have told me ‘I fell out of love with him’, to which I always ask how that occurred.  Didn’t you try to work to save the marriage, particularly as it was beginning to falter?  It’s caused a few less than pleasant moments when I’ve followed up with ‘what happens when our fairy tale ends?  Would you fall out of love with me too?  Should I just sign over half of my assets now?’ And, that tends to be my cue to exit.

Ordinarily, I'd continue to proselytize but I think the concept a basic one.  Plus, there has apparently already been much written on the topic (which I looked into after writing my own piece) as well as a John Mayer song (also discovered after writing this).

Love isn't just something you feel, it's something you do, because love is a verb.

So, I end by asking my readers a question. Do you know how to love?