Regular readers of my blog know that I’m nothing if not understanding of those with mental health challenges. That I have had more than my share of exposure to those suffering from various issues and have first hand knowledge of how lives can be turned upside down. I've always offered my support to those suffering these people and written a great deal on my experiences.
One thing I've taken flak for in the past has been my characterization of certain women (again, no experience with guys) as broken. That such a term is hurtful, stereotypical, and further stigmatizes mental illness. I've ignored this criticism and will continue to use the term for a few reasons. First, it might make be helpful to define broken, in the context of humans.
Broken (adj). - Suffering from a treatable or curable mental health condition whereby said condition significantly impacts or prohibits that person's ability to form or maintain a healthy relationship with others.
I've shared numerous examples of encounters with broken women in this blog. While most have serious signs of abandonment issues or intimacy issues, I've no doubt there are other conditions I've not been able to identify. I've noted a few of those in this blog as well. Regardless, they are all mostly incapable of having a healthy relationship. And while it's a bit stereotypical to lump them together, it would make entries unreadable were I to be so granular each time the topic came up.
To those who consider the term to stigmatize mental illness, go look at cat memes. Every time I encounter someone in whom I identify a mental illness (in the context of dating), I am incredibly supportive and urge them to seek treatment. I've never considered the term to be derogatory when I've used it. Of course, I'd be happy to never encounter a broken woman again, but that's a bit much to ask (more on that to come).
Not every person who can't build a healthy relationship is broken. Some merely have their heads up their asses, either with unreasonable expectations, being self-centered, chronically immature, etc. Others are just pathologically odd, but these people don't suffer with a diagnosable mental illness. These are the fuckups because, they have no excuse to be well, fucked up. I think we've all encountered a few of these people in our lives, although since I've jettisoned most quickly, I have no way of knowing whether they're broken as well.
Fuckup (noun) - someone without a diagnosable mental health issue yet causes havoc for those in their life
Having defined broken and fuckup, we'll move on to the title appellation and explore the whackjob.
Whackjob (noun) - A person with a treatable or curable mental health condition whereby said condition repeatedly causes harm to those around them but they never seek treatment despite overwhelming evidence of a condition existing.
Essentially, a whackjob is someone who's broken and despite overwhelming empirical evidence of their abnormal behavior, refuses to admit they're in need of treatment. The whackjob is where my kindness and understanding leaves the building because not only do they cause harm to others, they repeat the cycle over and over again. You may think I have an issue with whackjobs because of the harm they've caused to me, but it's much more than that. It's damage to the truly innocent who can't run away that make me dislike whackjobs so much. And yep, this term does stigmatize those who fall into it. That's intentional because if we call them for what they really are, perhaps they'll take responsibility for themselves. I tend to use this term quite sparingly, reserved only for the truly deserving.
My ex-wife represents an absolute perfect example of a whackjob. Her borderline personality disorder harmed many many people who I don't think she'd want to inflict that upon. Bullet points are probably best to document both behavior and impact.
- Promiscuity, resulting in unwanted pregnancy and subsequently putting her child and herself at risk
- Inability to be alone, causing her children to see a parade of sometimes dangerous losers passing through their lives
- Compulsive lying serious enough that all three of her siblings cut contact with her at one point or another as well as destroy numerous friendships and job loss
- Now on her fourth husband, with uncounted engagements (seriously, she had a collection of engagement rings but would never tell me the actual number of fiances she'd had)
- Treatment of her daughter resulting in her suffering from borderline personality disorder as well. (because borderlines often beget borderlines)
While she made my life a living hell for almost a decade, it was her family and children who suffered the most. It's one thing to hurt someone who's a grownup and can extricate themselves from the situation but another to cause grave mental injury to defenseless children. Regardless of your ability to self-justify, anyone could see such behavior as being abnormal. She solidified her whackjob status after I sat down with her (after separating) and outlined all of this and more to reach the conclusion she had BPD. Like most borderlines do, she told me I was out of my mind and tried to get me to drop it.
One doesn't need as severe a condition as BPD to become a whackjob. I wound up in a one night stand with a woman exhibiting such nasty intimacy issues that she tried her best to disassociate herself from the event and left the house at a run when I tried to hold her after sex. You and I both know this wasn't a one off; it's a pattern in her life. But running from various men's homes doesn't seem to have made an impact. Shame too, because I really liked her.
And I get that the mind has ways of rationalizing your behavior and protecting itself. Hell, borderlines have been known to unintentionally, subconsciously 'rewrite' memories to where they could pass a lie detector test with their version of events. But. for most whackjobs, there just has to be a point where the evidence becomes so overwhelming they can’t ignore they’ve got some serious fucking issues. Certainly, those people exist, but they can't really function in society. When you're lying about your conduct, because you know it's aberrant, there's no way you can convince me you're unaware you're a mess. And that's one of the things I've asked the potential whackjob. 'Did you tell your friends what you did and why you did it?'
More importantly, how can you be so self-centered as to continue with the same behavior, inflicting pain and suffering on every person who comes to care for you? Instead of reaching out to an appropriate mental health professional and addressing your issues to take some fucking responsibility for your actions? When someone sits your ass down and provides pretty compelling evidence of your condition? When you know damned well it's hurting those you say you love?
(This is not a rant on my ex-wife. While some of the above applies only to her, the majority is relevant with other whackjobs I've encountered as well.)
I have no time for whackjobs and absolutely hate encountering them because they consider only themselves and not those who love them.
I warned you that kindness had left the building.
Now that I've got all of that off my chest, I have one final term to define. These are the people who are just odd or screwy. While they're not screwy in a manner that repeatedly damages them or others who care about them, they are screwy nonetheless. These are the people we shall refer to as normal, because let's face it, we're all a bit screwed up in some way. For that reason, you'll never see me refer to anyone as screwy.
Screwy (noun) - Normal
In my next entry, we'll delve into some numbers.
In the meantime, stay healthy, friends...
