Your Relationship With a Married Man Isn't

If you read my previous blog, which discussed unrealistic expectations in dating, and why women who've never been married / had children tend to be one big red flag, you'll remember the woman who became the sort of poster child for both.  In that post, I also related how the love of her life was a man married to another woman.  Over the years, I've encountered a few women who've told me the same thing.  In fact, I got into a fairly hot debate with another blogger here, when she attempted to defend being involved with a married man.  But this most recent one pushed me over the edge to write about the topic.  I almost feel the need to thank her for providing such great material for this blog, although I doubt she'd be terribly welcoming of my gratitude.

Before we go any further, I'll preface by saying this blog will likely include some rather blunt and nasty sentiments.  And lots of sarcasm.  I consider repeated and ongoing infidelity to be reprehensible and therefore, have little tolerance for those who engage in it.  

Back on topic, which is how someone can consider being involved in someone else's infidelity a meaningful relationship.

As a basis for discussion, here's what the most recent woman wrote in an email to me, although it's incredibly consistent with what I've heard from the others I've encountered.  

...there has been one man in my life who made me feel incredibly sexy, beautiful, and wanted. He was and probably still is absolutely amazing. The only man I have ever loved. We trusted each other against all odds and allowed ourselves to be vulnerable through words, thoughts, and announced feelings. He was also married and it would never be anything but that. Shame on him and shame on me yet the greatest love I have ever felt. 

Morality
Let's get this one out of the way first.  For the cheater, I don't think there's much of a debate to be had.  He's repeatedly cheating, being unfaithful, trashing his marriage vows, etc.  He's a scum bag of the highest order; pretty self-evident stuff.  In my opinion, she's not much better, knowingly engaging with a scumbag cheating on his wife.  Obviously, the situation changes if she doesn't know he's married, but that takes a special kind of naivete.  No, the women I've encountered have all been intelligent enough to know the guy's both married and going to stay that way.

Gullibility?
While that wonderful man is lying to and cheating on his wife, the other woman believes he's being honest with her.  Why would she believe otherwise?  Clearly, his actions demonstrate his high level of integrity!  

My favorite part of her text bears repeating:
We trusted each other against all odds and allowed ourselves to be vulnerable through words, thoughts, and announced feelings. 

Odds of what, you drama queen?  Getting caught sneaking around with a married dude?  Maybe that's it, against all odds, we got away with it.  

Also, I think it's I'd be remiss if I neglected to point out the omission of a rather important word here.  That word is ACTIONS.  As I wrote in my blog about love, it's a verb, and while words are nice to say and hear, they mean nothing without the deeds associated with them.

But, because he has to go home to his wife, he gets a pass on that whole action thing.  Except for the action he's getting from his side chick, obviously.  That's a great gig for him!  

He's saying all the things she wants to hear and she's drinking it in, like some sort of ambrosia.  She believes him because why wouldn't she?  After all, there has never ever been a man, in the history of civilization, who has said things a woman wants to hear in order to get her into the sack.  I'm confident enough to say I speak for every man on this.  It's just something we wouldn't do.

Yet, I've heard many women complain about men who do just that; say whatever they need to for a roll in the hay.  As a matter of fact, the woman who wrote the above, did just that in the same email.  It seems those weren't the right words for her to swallow.

When a woman tries to justify how great the cheater she's screwing is, I like to ask questions that usually get me in trouble, but force her to admit things she doesn't want to.  'So when the last time he changed a tough to reach light bulb for you?  Or got under your car to investigate the odd noise it was making.  When you had that awful stomach flu, did he come over and take care of you?'   The most common response, after the explanations and justifications (he would if he could, really!), is 'never'.  

Gullible?  I think that's being kind.

Affecting Later Relationships
When the two part ways, how does her experience impact how she views new potential relationships?  She has a plethora of fond memories, where her partner is loving, kind, thoughtful, and eager to please.  He always made their time together seem like a fairy tale.  She never considers that he only needed to be this amazing man for a few hours a week.  Almost any man can be 'perfect' and 'amazing' for short bursts.  But she's not thinking about that because she can feel he truly loves her, he said, sarcastically.

She doesn't see how he's let the garage become a disaster area, how he berates his kids (when he's not ignoring them), or refuses to help around the house.  How he's a bastard to be around, when he's had a bad day at work.  She doesn't hear him body shaming his wife.  These are are all made up and are not intended to describe anyone in particular.  However, from the women I've dated who've had their husband cheat on them, they're not far from the truth.  Not one told me their ex was a loving man at home.  In my experience, men who cheat tend to be neglectful and distasteful husbands.  Beyond the cheating obviously.

But again, she only sees that perfect man she fell in love with and he becomes the yardstick by which other relationships are measured.  That almost always leaves her in a conflicted state.  She wants a 'real' relationship, but none can ever measure up to that little utopia the cheater created for her.  No one, regardless of how exceptional they are, can be perfect 24/7, yet she somehow thinks otherwise.

Other Consequences
Finally, an aspect I can't really comment on, because I've no way of seeing into these women's heads.  What does an affair like this, really do to a woman's self-esteem?  Sure, she feels loved and all that other shit, but in the back of her mind, she knows she'll never be his top priority.  It's thrown in her face every time he goes home to his wife, or cancels an interlude because of unexpected family obligations.  His words say she's the love of his life but his actions invariably confirm her status as second best.  Or does she rationalize it in her obviously malleable mind in some way?  For those who've been in this situation and are brave enough, I'd genuinely welcome your input.

I'll close with a question to ponder.  Certainly, the experience negatively impacts the other woman, but was she already suffering from some sort of issue that made the arrangement attractive in the first place?  Feel free to share your thoughts.

Dating Profile Of The Week for May 1, 2017

Lately, I've been remiss in sharing interesting dating profiles I've come across.  I've been busy meeting the strange and freaky, as well as engaging in real life.  While I've gathered a few profiles that are laughable (which I'll share at some point), this one popped up today and really struck a chord.

On Plenty of Fish, RVA5025 (Natalie) devotes a sizable chunk of her profile to demeaning other women who she sees as inferior to herself.

She writes:

I get that there are many women whose idea of "flirting" is texting naked and suggestive pictures to you. I get that a large percentage of women you've met will go home with you before knowing your last name, and if not on the first date, certainly by the second or third. This is not me. 

That doesn't make me a prude or a woman who doesn't enjoy intimacy. That makes me a woman with self-respect and standards. I know that's rare these days...

I'm going full off the cuff on this one, kids, and remove what little filter I possess.  The first thing I thought, when reading this was 'you stupid, judgmental, closed minded, ignorant bitch'.  Seriously, you're looking down your nose at other women for something you obviously have zero clue about.

Women don't have sex with a guy on the first or second date because they lack self-respect or possess low standards.  They do it because they want to be fucked!  A woman can do that because she controls her body and has the power to do with it as she sees fit.  When she has needs, she has the option to fuck whoever she wants and still look at herself in the mirror.  I'm so sick of slut shaming by the ignorant.

She's not the first woman I've encountered with this same point of view.  The kind who considers sex as a reward for sticking with them through a certain period of time.  'You're a good boy and have proven yourself worthy by tolerating me, despite how bitchy and humorless I am.  You may put your penis inside me.  But please take a shower first and don't even think of putting that thing near my mouth.'  This attitude wasn't uncommon when I was in my 20's, but if a woman reaches her forties and nothing's changed, she's got some issues.  I haven't encountered very many women in their forties who don't want sex a lot.  In any case, you know damned well sex with this chick will be horrible.

A former fwb, who was a devout Muslim, had the same viewpoint, when it came to sleeping with men she was dating.  She even came up with a points system to prevent sleeping with a guy too early.  I told her that no matter what hurdles she put up, it didn't matter.  Just because the guy stayed with you until he met the points quota doesn't mean he won't disappear the morning after he fucks you.  Furthermore, some guys enjoy a challenge, meaning they'll stick it out, just to get what they want. Conversely, fucking a guy on the first or second date has almost no bearing on whether the relationship will last.

I'm done with my tirade now...