Crap Parents

I’ve noticed a recurring theme with a number of women I’ve met recently that both irritates and scares me.  Being the blunt person I am, I’ll come out and say it; they’re crap parents.  Before I head down the path, let me provide some context.  First, I make no claims to be an expert on parenting.  However, I do have experience with my (former) step kids in raising them from preteens to majority.  One was ADHD as well as the ‘black’ child of a BPD mother.  For reasons that will become obvious later, I’ll also mention that I was an only child and ADHD myself, before anyone knew what ADHD was.  I’ve done a fair amount of reading on ADHD kids as well, so I’m pretty in tune with the condition.

So, what makes some of the women I’ve met crap parents?  A few things, actually.  First, comes the irritating part.  It seems that the ones with kids who have behavior problems (and there seem to be more than I’d thought there would be out there) are the ones who want absolutely no input from anyone else on attempting to modify that behavior.  They discount any knowledge you might have gained by raising your own kids and are often combative when you try to share some of that knowledge.  One of my favorites was with a woman I was dating who couldn’t get her 12 year old son ready for school without having to yell at him multiple times for each step.  Get up, brush your teeth, get dressed, etc.  The kid would stop after each step and wander into space.  When I told her that something needed to be done to get his act together, she replied ‘that’s how teenagers are but you wouldn’t know anything about that.’  Uh, yeah, I’ve got no experience with teenagers, particularly those two who ran around my house and were getting themselves to school way before age 12…what was I thinking? 

As you can imagine, regardless of how compatible you might be with someone, it’s a bit difficult to respect them when they tell you to butt out, that they know how to parent their kids.  Then those same kids have a meltdown and tell their mother they hate her, for no apparent reason, ten minutes later.  Yeah, you’ve got it well in hand, ‘mom’.

From my perspective, the common thread in most of the poorly behaving children, is lack of consequences and boundaries.  Certain behavior is par for the course with kids.  Messy rooms, some whining, sneaking cookies, etc.  Obviously, it shouldn’t be encouraged but you have to roll with that stuff and not harp on it.   Hell, it’ll kill you if you don’t learn to pick your battles.  I’m a big fan of the 7 positive comments to each negative; I saw great results when I consciously incorporated that into my own interactions with my step kids.  

However, there are behaviors that cross a boundary into completely unacceptable behavior.  Meltdowns, mouthing off to parents (hell, anyone really), stealing, etc. Yet, I see parents letting these behaviors occur and excuse it as their kids ‘expressing themselves’ or some other bullshit.  ‘We need to find a positive reward system for their good behavior.’  Yeah, that’s worked great so far!  If you allow a child to get away with this behavior without appropriate consequences, you’re teaching them that it’s okay.  Furthermore, what do kids do best?  They push boundaries.

A friend of mine is the perfect example of this.  Over the course of the three years I’ve known her, I’ve observed her son’s behavior progress from bad to worse.  He’s never had any compunction over having a meltdown in front of me, over something trivial like not being able to take his tablet to bed (which should never even be considered, IMO).  Nor has he shown any hesitance to mouth off to me, although he tends to do that once he’s mostly up the stairs.  In general, he’s a spoiled little brat.  Never have I seen any consequences dished out for the bad behavior; only excuses of how he’s ADHD and unable to control his impulses.  Well, sure enough, a few weeks ago, he went off (again, over something trivial) and out it came…’Fuck you!’  Surely, there were consequences for this outburst.  Nope.  Nor were there any for him attempting to physically take something she had confiscated in a rare instance of attempted punishment.

The bottom line is that a parent treats mouthing off / defiant insubordination the same as the child having a dirty room, how is the child expected to differentiate between the two?   If the child doesn’t learn boundaries from his/her parents, then those parents have failed.  End of story.

And this leads me to what will likely be a controversial assertion; that single women are at somewhat of a disadvantage in raising kids.  Be very clear that I’m not saying they’re not good parents but just at a disadvantage.  The advantage of having a father in the house is that it brings the ‘nuclear option’ to the table.  For example, you can imagine being an only child, I was pretty spoiled.  And my ADHD could have meant trouble with my poor impulse control.  However, I knew there were boundaries on what I could spout off to my parents.  I also knew that, if I exceeded them, my father would kick the shit out of me.  As a result, I never told my parents to go screw themselves or anything of the sort.  And to be clear, my father never kicked the shit out of me or anything close.

My step daughter was screaming ADHD; her therapist told me she was the most impulsive person she’d ever met.  Understandably, there were unpleasant encounters from time to time.  Only a matter of time before I received a ‘fuck you’ right?  Or maybe from my step son, asserting his manhood.  Nope, there were clear boundaries in place so that both kids knew exactly how the script would read. 

‘Blah, blah, blah, fuck you….hey, how’d I get on the floor?’ 

I don’t doubt for a second that many readers had the same dynamic in their homes growing up. 

And it was a universal truth both for me growing up, as well as for my step kids.  If you laid a hand on your mother, you’d be visiting the ER. 

Wow, threatening your kids with violence; how horrible!  Funny thing is I don’t recall my father ever threatening to beat the hell out of me.  I know I never threatened my kids.  It was just a given that crossing certain lines would not be tolerated.  And, to be clear, the only physical punishment I got from my dad were limited to a few well deserved spankings.  Furthermore, I never raised a hand to either of my children.  Much like maintaining a nuclear weapons arsenal, just having the capability and willingness to use it ensured I never had to. 

Back to my assertion.  Unfortunately, the threat of physical consequences to a teenage boy from a 5’4” mom just won’t be as much of a deterrent as from a man.  So, single mothers have to be even more resourceful and, quite frankly, more vigilant in establishing and enforcing clear boundaries.  And they must do so much earlier, when they are still physically imposing to their demon offspring.