Abandonment Issues - I Knew You'd Leave Me

Dating in your 40’s.  I’ve hit the point where I consider a root canal, followed by forced viewing of every Donald Trump speech to be preferable.  I’m literally exhausted by the process and becoming more disheartened by the day.  My fugue of futility comes from a realization I had a few weeks ago.  I used to bemoan that I wound up dating all the loons.  I did this quietly, because falling for loons says as much about you as it does the loons.  However, it’s become clear to me that the reason I wind up dating so many broken women is because 90% of all women are broken.  (It follows that 90% of single men in their 40’s are broken, but because I don’t date them, I have no firsthand knowledge.)  

Today’s installment of depression is brought to you by abandonment issues.  Can you say abandonment issues, boys and girls?  Sure, I knew you could. 

You see, the last two women I found myself absolutely smitten by were also affected by abandonment issues.  Unlike some other mental health issues, such as my personal fav borderline personality disorder, abandonment issues don’t always ‘suck you in’ on their own.  In fact, I’ve become quite adept at recognizing when I’m being sucked in and go through sort of a mental checklist with each woman I meet.  Does she only want to talk about me?  Has she not shared anything about her past?  Am I being positioned as the man who will save her from her horrible life?  For the record, ‘yes’ to any of these questions is not a good thing.  In many cases, abandonment issues won’t trip the typical alarms up front, which makes them that much more painful when they do show up. 

I’ll skip how abandonment issues tend to develop, because you’ve got the internet, and go straight to how they suck, at least for me.  Abandonment issues (AI) are essentially the fear of being abandoned.  While it may seem counter intuitive, those with AI will often push those they’ve come to care about away.  It becomes a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.  When they successfully push, they can scream (to themselves) ‘see, I knew he’d leave me!’  AI can cause other issues in relationships, but unlike some other mental health issues, they aren’t usually as terminal to that relationship.  It’s that pushing away that has killed two potentially special relationships for me in the past two months because I’ve fallen for the trap.

Worth noting is that in my 40’s, I can count the number of truly special connections I’ve had on one hand.  Even my now-ex-wife didn’t fall into that category.  Chalk some of that up to my own fear of intimacy (which I skipped blogging about).  But nonetheless, it’s an incredibly rare occurrence for me.  Therefore, when one goes to hell in a hand basket, it tends to leave a mark.  What’s strange is two of those have happened in the past three months. 

Late summer, I met someone who ticked every one of my boxes and it felt as though the heavens opened up.  She was the only woman I’ve ever met who I could see spending the rest of my life with.  Having not known her that long, whether I wanted to remained to be seen.  She seemed to share my feelings and the time we spent together was positively bliss.  Then came the pushing away.  As I was scared to death over beginning to fall for someone at all, I panicked, fell into her trap, and abandoned her.  After a few days, I began to recognize her abandonment issues (I’ve seen them before and diagnosed women before their therapists have) and tried to work things out with her.  But another fun part of AI is that once you’re labelled as a flight risk, you’ll never be allowed back into her heart.  So, I was fucked and left beating my head against the wall.

The most recent instance was just this morning.  Similar to the above except not quite as intense; but incredibly special nonetheless.  Just as before, I fell into her trap of pushing me away.  What makes me want to kick myself repeatedly is that I recognized her AI before and as she pushed me away.  You see, her MO of communication was identical to the woman above and there were clues within that pattern.  For example, despite the euphoria shared when together, communication is all but absent in between dates.  No, neither was screwing someone else; each had other commitments that absolutely precluded that.  See above comment about being pushed away.  I knew what was happening and resolved I wouldn’t fall into her trap.  Unfortunately, this one threw in an extra push that caused me to give in and abandon her.  Mother fucker…  While it doesn’t make the situation smart any less, at I’ve learned to not even bother trying to work things out.  So, this time, I’ve gone straight to head banging and muttering softly to myself.