Asking For What You Need

In just the past couple of months, I've taken some harsh criticism for something I take very seriously, not being there to support someone I love.  Both accusations came from women; they hurt but also, to be blunt, pissed me off.  Why?  Because, in both instances, I wasn't aware they needed my support until I was accused of neglecting them.  And that's the theme of this blog.

If you want something, ask for it!

This goes for anything you may need someone you love to provide for you.  Support, sex, a shoulder to cry on, dinner out, whatever.  However, we're not talking about another Prada bag or giving up golf.  You're on your own for those sorts of things.

Before I go any further, let's get it out in the open; it's pretty much the men who are guilty of falling short in relationships.  We all know it so I won't couch this entry by saying it applies to both sexes; it doesn't.

People in general, and men in particular, can't be expected to read minds.  Take asking for emotional support as an example.  Men are typically brought up to not show emotion; it's seen as weakness.  Therefore, we almost never ask for someone to 'be there' for us.  We're just not wired to consider that as an option, so that need doesn't pop into our head.  If your entire family gets eaten by a herd of hippos, but you're soldiering onward, wearing a brave face, we think you've got it under control.  About the only time we'll know you need us is if you're bleeding out on the floor after a knife fight.

I'll say it again - If you need something from your partner or close friend, ask for it.  I'm not, in any way, saying you don't deserve what you're asking for.  And whatever it is may be supremely self-evident to you.  But even the most thoughtful guy is going to miss certain things from time to time.  And I'll speak for the male gender when I say we're happy to do things in order to support you.  Your happiness is very important to us.  So ask for what you need.

If you don't ask, then don't complain, because you have no right to.

He should have known about whatever it is he missed?  Perhaps, but, for whatever reason, he didn't.

Silence is tacit acceptance of what you're receiving from those around you, regardless of whether you deserve what they're not giving you.

I'll use the two women I mentioned as examples.  Those who've read my other posts will recognize both of them.  We'll start with my recent friend dumper.  It seems she was upset that I wasn't there for her during the holidays, which are a difficult time for reasons I won't share here.  Honestly, I'd forgotten, because she's always been the master of soldiering on.  I hadn't been around due to my own self-centered issues and tough time, but that's not important.  When I reached out, post holidays, she gave me the silent treatment and continues to.

When a friend isn't there for you, but you need them, which is the better option?
a) Friend 1 - 'Hey, if you're around, I could use some company.  This time of year is a bit rough for me.'
    Friend 2 - 'Sure, when do you want me to come over?  Should I bring cake?'

or

b) Silence, followed by being resentful and angry enough to cut ties with your best friend.

She indicated, on social media, that had I offered an apology, she'd have likely accepted it.  That information was a bit tough to come by, since she'd completely cut me off.  Should I have known to send an apology?  Probably.  I fucked up with her.  But obviously, I didn't.

Again, choose the better option:
a) Friend 1 - 'You suck as a friend!  You disappeared when I needed you.  You know the holidays are tough for me.'
   Friend 2 - 'Oh shit, I forgot about that.  I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you.  You deserve better from me.'

or

b) Friend 1 - Silence

The other person is the woman I was dating while I was ignoring former friend's needs for me to be there.  She was going through a challenging phase of her divorce and it was weighing heavily on her.  However, she was, wait for it, soldiering on.  After we broke up, she complained that I wasn't there for her during that tough time.

In both cases, I'm obviously sympathetic to their situation.  However, when it comes to my not being there, the blame doesn't fall solely on me.  Unless she got the bargain unit, the silver thing friend dumper carries around not only receives phone calls and emails, but it also initiates outgoing messages.  She should try it sometime; it's really awesome.  With respect to the apology, had she asked, I would have offered one; she was my best friend and I loved her for it.  But rather than ask for what she needed, both my time and an apology, she ended our friendship.

In the case of the other woman, I was in the same damned room with her, when she claims I wasn't there for her.  Yes, I was busy making Christmas cookies, but she never gave so much as a hint she needed my shoulder.  Yet she bitched just the same after the fact.

In both cases, their needs were clearly justified, reasonable, and well deserved.  Yet when they didn't receive what they needed, they didn't ask.

I'll repeat this one more time:  Had either of the two asked for me to support them, I would have dropped everything to provide that support, no questions asked.

Ultimately, we must take responsibility for our own needs, even if we're forced to rely on someone else to meet them.  Don't allow yourself fall into the trap of becoming bitter over something you could have received had you simply asked.