At some point, over the past few weeks of lock down, I recall seeing something on social media on a trend of people reaching out to reconnect with their exes. I quickly dismissed it, because it's just not something I would do. That's not to say I wouldn't like to reconnect. With the exception of those like the thing that wouldn't leave and borderline ex-wife, I still respect the hell out of most of those I've been intimate with. Unfortunately, these are also the women who I was unable to give them what they wanted from me. Trust me, I miss interacting with a few of my previous partners and had tamped impulses to reach out, before the quarantine. But the last thing I want to do is dredge up feelings they've hopefully put in their little boxes. Causing others pain because of my own selfish motives isn't something I can allow myself to do. I just wish that someone would tell the ones I miss about the selfish thing.
This evening marks the third woman, who lives on the above list, to reach out. Two immediately ghosted me, one remains present and in communication.
How many exes have you reconnected with, during the lockdown?
Tuesday, April 28, 2020
Friday, April 24, 2020
Down in Flames Part II - The Insightful Bachelor Bares His Soul
This afternoon, I connected with Number Four's mother and we spent two hours chatting. I think she needed the conversation as much as her son needs my advice. I filled in the gaps where she had been stuck at 'something just isn't right'. Long story short, borderline doesn't change its stripes. If anything, it's worse for Number Four, because it seems as I suspected, the ex has added narcissistic personality disorder to her mix. She's essentially a more sophisticated Donald Trump, with boobs and no legs.
We cleared up a number of lies that have been told about me and confirmed certain suspicions I had at the time of my divorce. Even the most independent soul appreciates some occasional validation. The conversation provided validation for her as well. There were a few chuckles over the blatant manipulation tactics my ex continues to use and it made me feel good to be able to provide some guidance that'll minimize the damage to Number Four, his mental health, and bank account. Unfortunately, the call also broke my heart.
I've likely mentioned it in another entry, but when borderlines have more than one child, one becomes the 'white' child and a another, the 'black' child. The white child can do no wrong and is the apple of their mother's eye. The other child rarely does anything right and never feels unconditional love; their childhood is a series of loyalty tests. In most cases, the black children become borderlines, themselves. I knew nothing of this when I met my wife, but it was impossible to miss how she favored her son over her daughter. In an effort to balance the situation, I made a point of showing Alexandra consistent, unconditional love. She was my golden haired princess and I was both her fiercest protector and biggest cheerleader. The two of us were thick as thieves. But as she grew into her teens, our relationship became a bit rocky. I continued to do my level best to be the constant in her life, but it was tough. She had already begun to exhibit what I now know to be borderline tendencies and was frequently just out of control. We had some contact after the separation, where I begged her to get into therapy, offering to choose a therapist and pay for her treatment. Her mother had thrown her out, so I even offered to support her living expenses. All she needed to do was go in with an open mind. She wound up breaking contact shortly after, not managing to go to a single session. Worth noting is my ex made it more attractive to the kids not to have contact with me, so we completely lost touch. No, that didn't hurt at all or become one of the few topics I refuse to talk about any further than what you've just read.
Anyway, I still kept tabs on the kids via social media. Alex went on to drive urban revitalization in our hometown, open two thrift shops, get married, and was named a woman in business to watch. I was so proud of her and overjoyed that she seemed to have broken the cycle.
During my conversation with Number Four's mother, she told me that the Alex she knows is what she can best describe as angry. She said she lies and manipulates almost as much as her mother, if not to the same level of sophistication. Learning that completely broke my heart. She's the innocent, the baby, and she's had no one to protect her who understands what she's really been through. It's a fucking tragedy and a fucking crime.
Now, if you'll be so kind, I need to see about pulling a knife out of me...
Marriage Number Four Down in Flames!
For those who've muddled through my previous entries, you're aware of how my ex-wife is the gift that gave and has kept on giving. From the manipulation, to the throwing of the ham, to the hell she put me through in our divorce, marrying hubby number four, and the piece de resistance, becoming a wedding officiant. I thought that she was done, hoped she was done because I genuinely hold no ill will toward her and want her to be happy, because she's got more than her fair share of demons to contend with. But I was optimistic because she and Number Four have been together for ten years, a new record for her. I thought of her the other day and wondered if she'd finally gotten it together.
Then today, my father called to inform me that Number Four's mother reached out to him. Apparently, the marriage is on its last leg and circling the drain, and NF wanted to know what divorce attorney I'd used. I can only speculate that my ex complained about how much of a bastard the guy was, hence his desire to go with the same formula. My attorney has no love lost for my ex, partially because she was trash talking him to his (unbeknownst to her) daughter at a cocktail party. Oops... Maybe he'll offer a discount; she is a repeat defendant after all.
I feel for the guy, because everyone who knows him has nothing but praise for how kind and goodhearted he is. But as I've noted before, you have to be pretty naive and more than a little dense to sign up to be Number Four in the first place. Poor guy is about to enter a living hell, when he asks for a divorce and no one deserves that. I'm hoping to connect with him before he pulls the trigger, so he can at least be a little prepared for the firestorm that's about to engulf him.
All part of life's rich pageant, my friends. Thankfully, I'm not on the stage as one of the players, this time.
Then today, my father called to inform me that Number Four's mother reached out to him. Apparently, the marriage is on its last leg and circling the drain, and NF wanted to know what divorce attorney I'd used. I can only speculate that my ex complained about how much of a bastard the guy was, hence his desire to go with the same formula. My attorney has no love lost for my ex, partially because she was trash talking him to his (unbeknownst to her) daughter at a cocktail party. Oops... Maybe he'll offer a discount; she is a repeat defendant after all.
I feel for the guy, because everyone who knows him has nothing but praise for how kind and goodhearted he is. But as I've noted before, you have to be pretty naive and more than a little dense to sign up to be Number Four in the first place. Poor guy is about to enter a living hell, when he asks for a divorce and no one deserves that. I'm hoping to connect with him before he pulls the trigger, so he can at least be a little prepared for the firestorm that's about to engulf him.
All part of life's rich pageant, my friends. Thankfully, I'm not on the stage as one of the players, this time.
Sunday, December 29, 2019
A Tale of Self-Centeredness
Under the heading of shit I've only encountered in Kansas...
Long story short, I had made contact with a woman who, after a year of being celibate, wanted to get laid on NYE. We agreed to meet beforehand, in order we weren't stuck with someone we didn't like the day of.
So she arrived Christmas evening and the sex was halfway decent. A Christmas miracle! She appeared to be dateworthy, so she stayed and additional quality sex was had. Her selfish tendencies came to light during that sex, however. Before we met, I made a point of sharing how a previous partner's selfishness in the bedroom doomed our relationship to a platonic one. I very clearly explained what that hot button was for me. During the time we were together, she pounded the shit out of that button over and over. Not a good start.
One of the two nights I was getting ready for bed, when she asked if the phone charger next to the bed was mine. As if it could belong to someone else? I responded that it was. Except she decided it was hers, because when I came into the bedroom, her phone was plugged into it, .
While she was here, most of the conversation was her relating drama about her family, the divorce process, and a few other topics. She was frequently in tears talking about it. While I'm not unsympathetic, I'll admit that got a bit old.
The thing that wouldn't leave finally departed late Friday morning because she needed to attend a funeral. She said she'd text me as soon as she knew whether she could come over or if things had gone long. When I didn't receive a text by 6:30 p.m., I decided she was on her own for dinner. When one hadn't arrived at 7:30 p.m., I'd pretty much decided that, sans another death or severe bodily trauma, she was getting the heave ho. At 7:50 p.m., a text finally arrived, saying she was tired and would text me in the morning. Yeah, thanks for letting me know early enough so that I could adjust my plans... In my potentially fantasy world, when you say you're going to text someone with plans, you text someone with plans, whether they're your friend or some dipshit you work with.
At 12:50 Saturday morning, I was awoken by knocking on my door. It was followed by door bell ringing. That pattern alternated without pause. Knock knock knock knock, ring ring ring... It was fucking constant. At that point, I didn't know who was at my door, and willing them to shut the fuck up wasn't working. So, as one does when there's a lunatic at their front door, I grabbed something in a large caliber and went downstairs to investigate. You already know it was her. Well, I went off on her in the semi-coherent manner one does when one is awoken from a deep sleep. However, the message that she needed to stay the fuck away from me was crystal clear.
Fortunately, all indications are she did listen to that bit of direction.
In summary, holy fuck, I've never encountered anyone so self-centered and ultimately bereft of courtesy toward others. Such a shame, because the sex was about the best I've had in the flatlands.
Long story short, I had made contact with a woman who, after a year of being celibate, wanted to get laid on NYE. We agreed to meet beforehand, in order we weren't stuck with someone we didn't like the day of.
So she arrived Christmas evening and the sex was halfway decent. A Christmas miracle! She appeared to be dateworthy, so she stayed and additional quality sex was had. Her selfish tendencies came to light during that sex, however. Before we met, I made a point of sharing how a previous partner's selfishness in the bedroom doomed our relationship to a platonic one. I very clearly explained what that hot button was for me. During the time we were together, she pounded the shit out of that button over and over. Not a good start.
One of the two nights I was getting ready for bed, when she asked if the phone charger next to the bed was mine. As if it could belong to someone else? I responded that it was. Except she decided it was hers, because when I came into the bedroom, her phone was plugged into it, .
While she was here, most of the conversation was her relating drama about her family, the divorce process, and a few other topics. She was frequently in tears talking about it. While I'm not unsympathetic, I'll admit that got a bit old.
The thing that wouldn't leave finally departed late Friday morning because she needed to attend a funeral. She said she'd text me as soon as she knew whether she could come over or if things had gone long. When I didn't receive a text by 6:30 p.m., I decided she was on her own for dinner. When one hadn't arrived at 7:30 p.m., I'd pretty much decided that, sans another death or severe bodily trauma, she was getting the heave ho. At 7:50 p.m., a text finally arrived, saying she was tired and would text me in the morning. Yeah, thanks for letting me know early enough so that I could adjust my plans... In my potentially fantasy world, when you say you're going to text someone with plans, you text someone with plans, whether they're your friend or some dipshit you work with.
At 12:50 Saturday morning, I was awoken by knocking on my door. It was followed by door bell ringing. That pattern alternated without pause. Knock knock knock knock, ring ring ring... It was fucking constant. At that point, I didn't know who was at my door, and willing them to shut the fuck up wasn't working. So, as one does when there's a lunatic at their front door, I grabbed something in a large caliber and went downstairs to investigate. You already know it was her. Well, I went off on her in the semi-coherent manner one does when one is awoken from a deep sleep. However, the message that she needed to stay the fuck away from me was crystal clear.
Fortunately, all indications are she did listen to that bit of direction.
In summary, holy fuck, I've never encountered anyone so self-centered and ultimately bereft of courtesy toward others. Such a shame, because the sex was about the best I've had in the flatlands.
Sunday, December 15, 2019
When The Balance Of Power Turns
No, this isn't about D/s or even about sex. Consider it more of a life lesson on how you treat the candidates you interview for a job.
To keep it brief, back in September, I interviewed for a job North Carolina. It was a good fit, for a number of reasons I won't go into and I was excited about moving back to the East Coast. Shocker, I know. I even had an inside track in the form of a friend whose agency does all the marketing communications for this company. He fed me all the info he got on the other candidates and how their interviews went, from another friend who worked for the company. Total lock, right?
Well, the hiring manager didn't think so. This job was sales management and he thought I was 'too much of a marketing guy.' Except despite my follow up just outside the time he committed to have a decision to me, the guy was dark. I actually found out I didn't get the position from my friend.
Fast forward two months and I'm sitting in a global marketing meeting, where one of my colleagues speaks about developing an electric ass scratcher (make believe product the company I interviewed manufactures). I see an excellent opportunity to partner with an expert on electric ass scratchers, instead of trying to develop our own, because our value proposition is high tech anti itch solutions, of which we have significant market share. I intended to connect my team with the company in NC, but then I thought, fuck them; they didn't have the decency to provide me with some form of feedback. The vindictive part of me wanted to reach out to rub it in the ass scratcher's face, that being an asshole lost them a fuck ton of revenue and market visibility. But I'm too professional, burning bridges and all.
Things changed the next evening, because I finally did receive a rejection email from ass scratcher.
I responded and concluded with this:
Furthermore, during our global marketing meeting, last week, one of the other market managers mentioned development on a ass scratcher unit and the potential need for a higher capacity ass scratching system. I informed him that there were companies whose sole business was ass scratching management and that he should consider partnering with one, rather than reinventing the wheel internally, particularly because the market position our company enjoys in this application would drive significant revenue for both parties.
Best Regards,
So, back to the moral which is essentially the golden rule, because being an asshole can get you fucked out of millions in revenue.
To keep it brief, back in September, I interviewed for a job North Carolina. It was a good fit, for a number of reasons I won't go into and I was excited about moving back to the East Coast. Shocker, I know. I even had an inside track in the form of a friend whose agency does all the marketing communications for this company. He fed me all the info he got on the other candidates and how their interviews went, from another friend who worked for the company. Total lock, right?
Well, the hiring manager didn't think so. This job was sales management and he thought I was 'too much of a marketing guy.' Except despite my follow up just outside the time he committed to have a decision to me, the guy was dark. I actually found out I didn't get the position from my friend.
Fast forward two months and I'm sitting in a global marketing meeting, where one of my colleagues speaks about developing an electric ass scratcher (make believe product the company I interviewed manufactures). I see an excellent opportunity to partner with an expert on electric ass scratchers, instead of trying to develop our own, because our value proposition is high tech anti itch solutions, of which we have significant market share. I intended to connect my team with the company in NC, but then I thought, fuck them; they didn't have the decency to provide me with some form of feedback. The vindictive part of me wanted to reach out to rub it in the ass scratcher's face, that being an asshole lost them a fuck ton of revenue and market visibility. But I'm too professional, burning bridges and all.
Things changed the next evening, because I finally did receive a rejection email from ass scratcher.
I responded and concluded with this:
Furthermore, during our global marketing meeting, last week, one of the other market managers mentioned development on a ass scratcher unit and the potential need for a higher capacity ass scratching system. I informed him that there were companies whose sole business was ass scratching management and that he should consider partnering with one, rather than reinventing the wheel internally, particularly because the market position our company enjoys in this application would drive significant revenue for both parties.
Best Regards,
So, back to the moral which is essentially the golden rule, because being an asshole can get you fucked out of millions in revenue.
Friday, July 5, 2019
Thanks For The Laugh
For those who've read a good chunk of my blog, it's understandable that I don't have much reason to be thankful to my borderline ex-wife, beyond being incredibly grateful to have gotten away from her. However, a friend sent me a link to her latest side venture. She's become a wedding officiant. For those who don't know (I didn't), an officiant, according to Wikipedia (yes, I got lazy on this one) is:
Secular officiants include civil celebrants, Humanist Society–appointed officiants, Justices of the Peace, marriage commissioners, notaries, and other persons empowered by law to perform legal marriage ceremonies.
I'll remind my readers that I was husband number three and that she's gone on to marry number four.
The punchline to this entry can be found in the first sentence of her little bio.
I'll just leave it there.
Secular officiants include civil celebrants, Humanist Society–appointed officiants, Justices of the Peace, marriage commissioners, notaries, and other persons empowered by law to perform legal marriage ceremonies.
I'll remind my readers that I was husband number three and that she's gone on to marry number four.
The punchline to this entry can be found in the first sentence of her little bio.
Sunday, May 19, 2019
Satisficing In Your Relationship
If you're in a relationship that's less than a few years old, I want you to take a look at your significant other and ask yourself what attributes he or she possesses that made you partner with them. Being honest with yourself, is one of them that he or she is safe? Is one of the most appealing features of your partner that you know they won't leave you? If so, are you living a fulfilling a relationship or are you satisficing?
Satisficing is a decision-making strategy that aims for a satisfactory or adequate result, rather than the optimal solution. In other words, 'so long as he's stable and won't leave me, I'll partner with him.'
Don't get me wrong, security is important in a relationship; after all, none of us would eagerly partner with someone you knew would likely run like hell, when some heavy lifting was required. But what do we sacrifice for that security?
As usual, I'll share some of my own experiences to illuminate the dynamics of dating for safety. We'll start with my ex-wife, who I've written about before. After I ended the marriage, she immediately jumped into the dating pool and coupled with a guy who clearly exhibited safety. Before going any further, I'll refresh my readers on my wife's attributes that are salient to this topic, which were that she was very attractive and skilled at manipulation. As a result, she could have had a wide choice of men. The one she chose was mostly unemployed (he has a graphics business with no website) and demonstrated no indication of a backbone, the times our paths crossed. My intent isn't to insult him, rather than stating facts. She was the one in charge and was obviously the hottest piece of ass this guy had ever gotten his hands on. In summary, this guy wasn't going anywhere; he was eminently safe. As evidence, they've been together for over ten years, which is longer than any of her previous relationships.
I'd also previously referenced my next example, which is a woman who left me before I could leave her. She latched the fuck onto the next guy she dated and wound up marrying him. In her case, because we remained friends for a bit, I am well aware of the sacrifices she made. Again, it was obvious this woman was the hottest thing he'd ever dated and was obviously not going anywhere. She would complain to me how the guy was a mess, from the divorce he was going through, and was the stereotypical dull dude. How uncultured he was and that he was a raging homebody (she was the opposite). He had four of his own kids, where she had two. Again, no insult intended, but her resentment for her own children lived just below the surface, yet she signed up for a full boat Brady Bunch? He was gainfully employed, however.
The one attribute these men shared was their commitment. 'Til death do us part, even if you're the cause of my imminent demise.'
This would be all well and fine if one could accurately identify the safe ones. In my experience, the ones who we perceive as having no better options to be the safest. Except that's not the case. I'll speak for men, because I am men. You give some poor shlub an amazing, gorgeous woman who's a rock star in the sack, and he may very well begin believing he can attract other women out of his league. Mr. Safety isn't quite as safe as you thought. Of course, he'll realize that's not the case and come crawling back, but that's another topic.
So, look at your significant other again and ask yourself if you're satisficing.
Satisficing is a decision-making strategy that aims for a satisfactory or adequate result, rather than the optimal solution. In other words, 'so long as he's stable and won't leave me, I'll partner with him.'
Don't get me wrong, security is important in a relationship; after all, none of us would eagerly partner with someone you knew would likely run like hell, when some heavy lifting was required. But what do we sacrifice for that security?
As usual, I'll share some of my own experiences to illuminate the dynamics of dating for safety. We'll start with my ex-wife, who I've written about before. After I ended the marriage, she immediately jumped into the dating pool and coupled with a guy who clearly exhibited safety. Before going any further, I'll refresh my readers on my wife's attributes that are salient to this topic, which were that she was very attractive and skilled at manipulation. As a result, she could have had a wide choice of men. The one she chose was mostly unemployed (he has a graphics business with no website) and demonstrated no indication of a backbone, the times our paths crossed. My intent isn't to insult him, rather than stating facts. She was the one in charge and was obviously the hottest piece of ass this guy had ever gotten his hands on. In summary, this guy wasn't going anywhere; he was eminently safe. As evidence, they've been together for over ten years, which is longer than any of her previous relationships.
I'd also previously referenced my next example, which is a woman who left me before I could leave her. She latched the fuck onto the next guy she dated and wound up marrying him. In her case, because we remained friends for a bit, I am well aware of the sacrifices she made. Again, it was obvious this woman was the hottest thing he'd ever dated and was obviously not going anywhere. She would complain to me how the guy was a mess, from the divorce he was going through, and was the stereotypical dull dude. How uncultured he was and that he was a raging homebody (she was the opposite). He had four of his own kids, where she had two. Again, no insult intended, but her resentment for her own children lived just below the surface, yet she signed up for a full boat Brady Bunch? He was gainfully employed, however.
The one attribute these men shared was their commitment. 'Til death do us part, even if you're the cause of my imminent demise.'
This would be all well and fine if one could accurately identify the safe ones. In my experience, the ones who we perceive as having no better options to be the safest. Except that's not the case. I'll speak for men, because I am men. You give some poor shlub an amazing, gorgeous woman who's a rock star in the sack, and he may very well begin believing he can attract other women out of his league. Mr. Safety isn't quite as safe as you thought. Of course, he'll realize that's not the case and come crawling back, but that's another topic.
So, look at your significant other again and ask yourself if you're satisficing.
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